


The Bigger Infinity

by softyjseo



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Coming of Age, Depression, Fluff and Angst, Implied/Referenced Underage Drinking, M/M, Mark is just lost, More tags to be added, New York City, Slice of Life, Strangers to Lovers, mentions of past non-con/rape, only in America though, recreational alcohol use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-30
Updated: 2021-01-27
Packaged: 2021-03-04 06:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 85,112
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24999166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softyjseo/pseuds/softyjseo
Summary: After having fled to the big city, Mark is still looking for that something to make his life fall into place. It's not until he meets Johnny Seo that he feels like his something might be a someone.
Relationships: Chittaphon Leechaiyapornkul | Ten/Qian Kun, Jung Yoonoh | Jaehyun/Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Na Jaemin, Mark Lee/Suh Youngho | Johnny, Others to be added
Comments: 239
Kudos: 341





	1. Mark

**Author's Note:**

> Hello!!
> 
> Ah yes, here it is, a wip i've had in my Word and Google Docs for over six months now! (not kidding, I wrote the first chapter around Christmas time) I just had to find the courage to post it, I suppose. 
> 
> I sincerely hope you enjoy this first chapter. I have somewhat of an idea of how many chapters this will be, but we'll see how many it'll become along the way. This is like my first born child, and I really hope you enjoy it. 
> 
> Big big thank you to one of my best friends Carly, who listened to me rant about this fic a whole lot. I wouldn't have the courage to post it if it wasn't for you. 
> 
> Disclaimer: this is a work of fiction. I don't own any of the people in the story nor do I own any of the songs mentioned, or shows. Playlist of songs linked down below! Don't copy this onto any other website, or copy my work in general. 
> 
> x D. 
> 
> [TBI playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/78Rys8dsKiAkXAM5OTarIe?si=UoGrOGmaTcKgPyLcfp78ow)

Exhausted.

_ Mark  _ is exhausted. Was exhausted. He honest to  _ god _ believes he’ll always be exhausted. He heard the stories about college, how taxing it could be for some people. How hard it could be.

Mark had just always guessed he wouldn’t be one of those people.

High school had been easy, passing tests with little to no studying and keeping his parents happy by participating in extracurricular activities like soccer in spring and basketball in the winter. He had friends, did his work and managed to join his mother to the grocery store every week  _ and _ perform volunteer work once a month for two days.

And yet exhaustion had always been there. Dragging his bones, willing him to stay in bed but leaving it in the end because he didn’t want to disappoint anyone. Doing what he was told and more, his mind too full for his own good. 

“ _ You’re a good kid, Mark. _ ” Mark’s older brother Jongin’s words bounced around his head as he tugged on his jacket, popping the hood up as Tom Walker played from his headphones. Class was starting up soon and Mark refused to be late even though the corners of his vision were still slightly blurry from the nap he had taken.

Exhausted. Even though he had slept more than eleven hours that night and had even taken a nap. The exhaustion was just, always there.

This morning he had attended a lecture about Napoleon in Europe, and while that had been interesting enough to listen to and even take notes, Mark dreaded the upcoming lecture. Despite him being a world history major, he was required to take chemistry for one semester. He truly hated chemistry.

“Leaving!” He shouted, hoping Donghyuck would hear him from his room. Mark had heard some yelling a few moments before, so he supposed the boy was gaming again.

“Good luck dude!” Mark heard as a response as he moved to close and lock the door. He smiled to himself before shuffling his backpack further up his shoulders, his hands finding their spots in his pockets. He moved to walk down the hall, bopping his head along to the new song ringing through his ears. He scrunched his nose, adjusting his glasses.

“ _ I heard that pictures don’t change, just the people inside of them do. _ ” Mark listened to NF rap loudly in his ear, the volume probably a little too loud to be considered healthy. He walked down the street, the people of New York city moving around him like he wasn’t even there.

Washington Square Park greeted Mark in front of him as he turned right to enter the faculty, moving to find the correct hall for his stupid chemistry lecture. NF made place for Jeremy Zucker while Mark found it, taking a seat in one of the middle rows and taking out his laptop.

Turning the Bluetooth on, Mark’s headphones almost instantly connected to the laptop, instead, playing Zucker from there. Mark was staring at his screen so intently that he hadn’t even noticed someone sitting down next to him.

“You good man?” Mark held back a squeal, looking to the side to find Ten sitting there, eyes on Mark. Mark tried to will away his customary blush that seemed to appear whenever someone worried over him.

“Yeah bro, totally good.” He answered, opening up his latest notes from chemistry.

“Can you airdrop me those? Kinda didn’t take any notes last time.” Ten asked, making Mark snort. He opened the menu nonetheless, airdropping his document to Ten’s MacBook right as the professor walked in.

“Wanna grab coffee after? You don’t have any classes after this, right?” Mark nodded at Ten’s words. He didn’t have anything to do, really. No homework, no papers to finish nor presentations to prepare. In a fit of panic that he wasn’t doing enough, Mark had managed to catch up on three weeks of homework from the syllabus two nights ago. Three hours of sleep but no homework for the next three weeks. 

“Coffee sounds good.”

Ten smiled, “Cool, 3 rd street?”

Mark nodded. The professor started talking and as always, Ten moved to open WhatsApp on his laptop, pulling up a conversation with his boyfriend, Kun.

Mark and Ten had met one semester into their first year of college –Mark was a sophomore now,  _ yay _ —when Ten got assigned to Mark for a presentation on the global development of transportation. It was a small presentation, they didn’t need a whole lot of information for it was just to practice, and so Ten had convinced Mark to spend most of their time sipping coffee and talking rather than actually doing any work.

From that moment on, Ten had been a constant in Mark’s life. Texts messages, FaceTime calls at the most random times and almost hourly Snapchat updates Mark couldn’t always keep up with. It was nice to have someone so active in his life. Just last week they had made a spontaneous trip to Times Square—having lived in New York for over a year made it less impressive, but it had been fun nonetheless— Besides, Ten as the photography major, had a ball taking picture after picture.

Yes, photography majors needed chemistry too, for some fucking reason. But Mark also knew that Ten took electives, their shared American history class from last year being one of them. So there was a big chance that this was Ten’s own choice.

Taking chemistry voluntarily? Mark could never. 

Mark allowed his eyes to scan over Ten and Kun’s conversation for just a split second, reading it along with Ten.

“Going on a date tonight I see?” Mark whispered, startling Ten. The smaller man nodded then, grinning.

“Kun’s taking me to this fancy ass place in SoHo, fucking show off.” Mark had met Kun quite often, Ten being quite proud of who his boyfriend was, so he knew that Kun was more than well off. It wasn’t as much of a shock to him as it used to be.

Not that having so much money you don’t know what to do with it was foreign to Mark in any way shape or form.

“Anyway Mark, these notes are shit. Do you even know what you’re talking about?” Ten whispered, scrolling through the few pages of notes Mark had taken. The younger of the two sighed, shaking his head.

“Absolutely no clue.” It was true. Mark didn’t understand chemistry even in the slightest, but hey, at least his notes looked organized. He had them in separate folders and everything. Ten was just being an ass.

“Be grateful you have them, asshole.” Mark then said, making Ten hold back a laugh. The professor was droning on and on about something related to fusing and Mark couldn’t care less if he tried, honestly. 

So he opened up instagram and scrolled through his timeline. After having liked every single picture --some of Ten’s photography account, some pictures of people from high school Mark didn’t want to hurt by unfollowing them, a selfie Donghyuck had taken with his boyfriend Jaemin and a bunch of dog and cat pictures-- he went on the discovery page, passing time in class like that. Ten was taking notes, anyway. He could just borrow them from him. 

After the lecture, the two of them made their way back outside. Mark had wrapped his headphones around his neck so he could actually hear Ten while he was talking, instead of drowning everything and everyone out like he always did walking down the street. 

The coffee place they always went to was close to campus, only three blocks down from the dorm building, and so it didn’t take long for the two of them to get there. 

“So-- you know how like, Kun and I are pretty serious, right?” After ordering their drinks --Mark had forgone a cup of coffee and chosen a steaming mug of hot chocolate instead-- they slid into a booth and Ten changed the subject from the hang-out Mark and his friends were having to his boyfriend, Kun. 

Classic. 

Mark hummed, “Your two year anniversary is soon, right?” 

He had this weird thing about remembering certain events. He could recall exactly when and where he was when Donghyuck called him about the fact that the new overwatch game was announced, but he couldn’t remember for the life of him what he had spent his Thursday doing last week. 

Ten nodded, “In like, two weeks. Anyway, I think Kun is going to ask me to move in with him.”

Mark’s eyes widened. He pushed his glasses further up his nose once more. “Woah, dude. That’s pretty big shit.” 

Ten rolled his eyes, hands wrapped around his mug of coffee. Ten drank all black, which was a surprise to Mark when he first found out because everything Ten liked had a sweet taste to it. Except for coffee, for some weird reason. “I’m aware, Markie. I think I’m gonna say yes, though.”

Mark nodded, taking a sip of his drink before hissing. Fuck that was too hot. His glasses fogged up a little, making Mark want to sigh. “You’re over at his apartment five days a week, maybe more, anyway. Didn’t you tell me that you even moved over some of your clothes a couple months back?” 

Ten bit his lip, “Yeah, true. I think it would be good. God, I’m so excited! I’m such a grown-up!”

Mark scoffed. He wouldn’t exactly call Ten a ‘grown-up’, seeing as he watched his best friend down four shots of tequila and then continue on with cocktails just two weeks ago. They were safely in the sanctity of Mark and Donghyuck’s place with alcohol that Kun had bought --at least he was legal to drink-- but it had been funny to watch. And not exactly a very grown up thing to do, but Mark decided not to mention that.

Ten looked too happy for his own good. 

“Do you think he’s gonna ask tonight?” Mark then asked, moving the conversation further. He hated silences in moments like this. He liked quiet when he was alone, but for some reason when other people are around every silence is awkward to Mark. He has no idea how to explain it, truthfully, but that’s okay. 

Ten hummed, “I think so? He’s been dropping some hints lately.” 

Mark chuckled, “Well, you should probably start packing.” 

Ten huffed, taking a sip from his coffee. “I’ve still got moving boxes from the beginning of the semester.” 

“Knowing Kun he’ll hire movers despite you having like, zero stuff.” Ten threw a balled up napkin at Mark for that comment, making the younger of the two giggle. 

“Man, you’re going to be living in SoHo. That’s fucking wild. And expensive.” Ten beamed at Mark’s words. Mark had learnt that praise worked well for Ten, especially about his boyfriend. Right now he wanted to see his best friend happy, even if that meant the boy living off campus and with a slight commute.

“Kun’s apartment has such a great view. And his apartment is great and all, but I’m just excited to be with him, you know?” Mark hummed as he listened to Ten. He was happy for his best friend, sure, but there was this slight nagging sensation in his stomach that made Mark want to hurl out the lunch he ate--it was just an apple, but lunch nonetheless-- and run off. 

Ten was in love. Kun was in love. Donghyuck was in love and so was Jaemin. Heck, even Chenle and Jisung--two teens Mark knew from home-- were in love and happily finishing their last year of high school together. Mark was awaiting the call from Renjun that him and Jeno were finally going steady —the oblivious fools are fucking and everything—  _ and  _ to top it all off, even his big brother Jongin had been hinting at the fact that he had met someone. Jongin, who had the same relationship with his parents as Mark. Due to Mark. 

And here Mark was, alone. He didn’t need a relationship, hell no. He wasn’t actively looking for one either and he knew  _ perfectly  _ well that a relationship wouldn’t fix everything Mark had going on in his life or lived with every single day, but it would  _ help.  _ Even the tiniest amount. 

So yeah, Mark wanted to puke out the apple he had eaten and he wanted to curl up in his bed and cry some more, hoping that he still had some left over from last night, and then he wanted to never be seen again. 

But he also wanted to be happy for his best friend, and so he did just that. He smiled and listened to Ten ramble on and on about how happy Kun made him, how lovely he was and how excited he was to share a home with him. He listened and he nodded, never letting anything interrupt.

Except for when his phone lit up, showing a text message. There was only one person in the world that Mark knew who still used the stupid Imessage app for more than just the games, and that was his father. 

He took hold of his phone, reading the notification. 

**From: parent number one.** **  
** _ Saw you were running low on cash. Deposited some in your account. Will you be over for thanksgiving? Your mother wants to know.  _

Mark wanted to roll his eyes. Instead, he opened up his bank account app and bit his lip. His father had deposited two thousand dollars into his account. His allowance from last week still hadn’t run out--before his father texted him there was a nice sum of a little more than a thousand dollars still on the account-- and he sighed, wanting nothing more than to redeposit it back onto his dad’s account and throw his phone through the window. It made his skin crawl. 

But he didn’t throw his phone, because that would hurt the pedestrians outside and it was a nice day. Mark didn’t want to ruin that for anyone. So instead, he deposited the money into a sub account he had made, named ‘asshole money’ before turning his attention back to Ten. 

Mark also knew he couldn’t live without the money. He needed food, needed school utilities and despite the fact that his parents never called him nor wanted any sort of contact with him, the money was a nice add-on. There was nothing else to it. They sent their money, thinking they were the best parents in the world, and went on with their lives. 

Mark just lets them do it. 

**To: parent number one.** **  
** _ Mother knows i’m not coming.  _

He pocketed his phone again, turning his attention back to Ten who had stopped talking and was now looking at Mark, a look of worry evident on his face. “You good?” 

Mark nodded, “Yeah, fine.” 

Ten cleared his throat, turning his wrist to look at his watch. “Oh shoot! I gotta go. Kun’s picking me up in an hour and I have to get ready.” 

Mark stood up to return both of their mugs to the counter, hugging his best friend goodbye before turning to walk back to the dorms. Ten’s dorm was on the other side of campus and he knew a shortcut, so they parted ways. Not that Mark minded. He had been around people all day and he was tired. So extremely tired. 

It didn’t take long for him to reach his dorm, unlocking the door and taking off his shoes before entering. Two voices came from what sufficed as the living room and Mark guessed Jaemin was over. Great. More people. 

And Mark, being the person that he is, couldn’t possibly go to his room and sleep now. No, there was a guest in their house --Jaemin wasn’t much of a guest and more of a part time resident-- and so, he walked into the living room with a smile on his face, greeting the two love birds on the couch with a loud ‘hi!’

“Good afternoon, Mark Lee. How are you on this splendid wednesday?” Mark chuckled at Jaemin’s words, throwing the closest soft object at the idiot sat on his couch. It was a pillow and Jaemin dodged it, but Mark made his point.

Jaemin was a theatre major and when he got in the mood, way too loud. His dorm was right down the hall and yet, he slept in Mark’s dorm way more than necessary. Then again, Donghyuck liked his cuddles. Mark supposed it was only natural. 

“My wednesday has been marvelous, Jaemin Na.” Mark replied, taking a seat on the small chair next to the couch, no more room on said piece of furniture because Donghyuck was splayed out. 

Mark’s parents hated his guts, but money could go a long way. Nice dorms came with money.

While Donghyuck launched into a story, Mark stood up to get himself some water. He listened to the younger ramble on and on about how some person --”fucker” in Donghyuck’s words-- on his team had made the entire team lose and hummed along, giving the trained appropriate reactions. 

Smiling Donghyuck was the best Donghyuck. 

After a solid thirty minutes of watching the love birds be sickenly sweet, Mark excused himself to his room. He claimed he had homework to do. Donghyuck didn’t have to know that that wasn’t the case. 

Mark put on his headphones, pressing play to continue his playlist from before his lecture and before Ten had joined him for the afternoon. He pulled out his phone, sending his best friend a quick ‘good luck!’ text before throwing the device on his bed. 

He had an unread message from his father, but Mark couldn’t bother responding. 

Instead he flopped himself on his desk chair, booting up his computer as he took out his laptop from his backpack. He didn’t have anything to do, his friends all busy and his need to stay inside far larger than the desire to socialize. And so, Mark ended up pulling up his Disney Plus account, deciding to turn on Tangled for the upteenth time and ignoring everything and everyone around him in favor of recharging. 

He hadn’t done much today. Two lectures and a coffee date. He even had a two hour nap in between said activities and yet, Mark was drained to the core. Every day was tiring and it was starting to get harder and harder to get out of bed in the morning, but Mark pushed through. He was fine, he was okay. 

Mark let his eyes zero in on a necklace he had hung from the wall, his heart clenched in his chest for the briefest of seconds. He should really throw that away. 

“Mark! Wanna order pizza?” Donghyuck’s voice pulled Mark back to reality. While focusing on the movie with such intent it was almost worrying, Mark had managed to start biting on his hoodie straps. They were slightly damp and he cringed, spitting them out and pausing the movie. It was almost done anyway; Rapunzel was about to get a brand new hair cut from her beloved Eugene. 

“Sure! Pepperoni!” Mark yelled back, getting an ‘okay!’ in response. He then bit his lip. Was that too boring? He always had pepperoni. Maybe he should try something new. Then again, he really liked his pizza like that. Before Mark could yell again to change his order, Donghyuck knocked on his door to tell him their order would arrive in about thirty minutes. 

Mark sunk back in his seat, pressing play to watch the last few minutes. A happy ending. Marriage and a happy Kingdom. 

Mark turned his computer off again, grabbing his guitar instead. He needed to unwind, to put his thought process on the back burner and just let his fingers feel. A slight panic was starting to fill up his veins and mark could feel his throat starting to itch, slightly closing up. 

After a few minutes of strumming the feeling went away. He put the guitar down again, deciding that maybe he should show up in the living room to make things less suspicious. There was nothing wrong with him, Mark knew this, but he didn’t want his roommate nor his boyfriend to think that there could be something wrong. 

“Pizza will be here soon and we have a movie ready. Sounds good?” Jaemin asked, noticing Mark emerge from his room. Mark smiled, nodding. 

“What movie though?”

“Jaemin wanted to watch  _ fucking  _ coyote ugly. Don’t ask me why.” Donghyuck responded from where he was standing next to their fridge, sipping away on a glass of what Mark guessed to be sweet white wine. It was the only sort of wine Donghyuck liked and Mark guessed it was a leftover from when Ten and Kun had come over a few nights back.

Jaemin squacked in faux offense, acting terribly on purpose. Jaemin was a good actor on screen and on stage, Mark had seen it first hand, but this was just comical. “Coyote Ugly is a cinematic masterpiece!”

“You just think 2000 Adam Garcia is hot.” Donghyuck retorted, putting down his glass of wine carefully before dropping himself on Jaemin’s lap. “Can’t blame you though, babe. He’s fucking cute.” 

“He’s hot as shit. His accent? Kill me. Now.” Mark scoffed at Jaemin’s words, thinking to himself that he should probably join this conversation. 

“Wanna talk about accents? Daniel freaking Radcliffe.” Donghyuck rolled his eyes, swatting Mark’s chest once Mark had taken a seat on the couch. There was room for him, this time. 

“British accents are hot anyway. Doesn’t matter who it is.” Jaemin nodded to Donghyuck’s words. 

“I have this guy in one of my classes, he’s from London and oh my god--every time he talks? I’m on the fucking  _ floor. _ ”

“Hey!” Donghyuck yelped, turning his eyes to Jaemin. 

Jaemin chuckled, leaning over to place a kiss on top of Donghyuck’s nose. Mark had to look away. “You know you’re the only one for me, baby.”

Mark felt puke rise in his throat so he coughed, startling the couple in their own little world. He smiled sheepishly before standing up, moving to get himself something to drink out of the fridge. 

“Oh by the way--Renjun texted me. Said you weren’t answering your messages.” Donghyuck said, making Mark turn around to look at him from where he had been staring at the faucet. He raised his eyebrows. 

“What did he need me for? Problems with Jeno again?” Jaemin laughed at Mark’s words, making something warm well up in his chest. Mark liked making people laugh. 

Donghyuck rolled his eyes, “Something about wanting to go out and unwind.”

“It’s a wednesday.” Mark retorded, really not wanting to go out and watch Renjun drink himself completely shitfaced. Jeno probably ignored him again today, or something along those lines. It was basic procedure at this point. 

Donghyuck raised his hands in faux defeat, “Don’t yell at me, Markie. Just answer the guy.” 

Mark bit his lip. He really didn’t want to, because Mark couldn’t say no to anyone. Renjun was no exception. And he honestly didn’t want to watch Renjun get shitfaced on alcohol that his brother Hendery always bought for him despite their parents complaining. 

“It’s not like you guys will end up in a club anyway,” Jaemin commented, raising his feet to lay on the coffee table and crossing his arms. “You’ll probably end up watching him drink too much in his dorm, that’s all.”

Mark knew this, but his energy had already been drained and he hadn’t had enough time to recharge and Mark really  _ really  _ needed to recharge if he wanted to deal with Renjun’s ‘I’m in love with Jeno but also not’ crisis for an entire night. 

Mark was exhausted. 

“Fine.” Mark smiled at his friends before retreating to his room, finding his phone in between his sheets where he had left it about two hours ago. A few notifications from Renjun and one from Ten telling him ‘thank you!’ were the only things on Mark’s screen. 

His father’s text was hidden behind his lockscreen and Mark ignored the stupid red ‘one’ displayed next to the Imessage app in favor of answering Renjun’s messages on Whatsapp instead. 

**From: Renjunnie** **  
** _ Dude i need to drink _

**From: Renjunnie** **  
** _ Mark mark mark _

**From: Renjunnie** **  
** _ Fucker _

**From: Renjunnie** **  
** _ Texting hyuck u jackass  _

**To: Renjunnie** **  
** _ What time do u want me to be at ur dorm _

Mark didn’t want to go. He didn’t have the emotional capacity to deal with more shit today, but Renjun was one of his best friends and he couldn’t let the other down. Even if this meant waking up tomorrow and regretting everything because his muscles and bones have turned to lead. Mark is fine with that. 

**From: Renjunnie** **  
** _ Around nine pls _

**From: Renjunnie** **  
** _ Don’t bring jeno i don;’t want to see him for the next four centuries _

Mark scoffed, having figured as much. He pocketed his phone and walked back into the living room where Jaemin and Donghyuck were sat, watching the movie Jaemin had picked. 

“I’m meeting Renjun at nine, if you two wanna come along?” There was a slight hint of hope in Mark’s voice, he could sense it himself, but his friends looked at each other and then shook their heads at him. Mark felt his heart sink in his chest. 

“Nah, we’re gonna stay here.” Donghyuck then answered. Mark nodded casually, as if that was completely okay with him. He wanted to learn how to do that, too. To just say no. 

A knock on the door could be heard and Jaemin shot up. “Pizza’s here!”

He bolted toward the door, passing Mark. Mark bit his lip again, the skin already red and a tad bit swollen from his habit. His skin tingled in the slightest, a headache coming up and Mark sighed. He schooted his glasses up his nose and hoped it would help the headache even just a little. 

He massaged his temples, ignoring the feeling of slight panic rising in his chest in favor of smiling at Donghyuck who handed him his pizza, turning back to look at the movie. And Mark was glad, because that meant that he was doing a good job. No one could tell that there was something wrong, and that’s how it should be. 

Not that there was anything wrong to begin with. Mark was fine. 

“Want some coke?” Jaemin offered him a can of coke that they had ordered with the pizza’s and Mark nodded despite his preference for Sprite. Mark sat back, the anxious feeling in his stomach making him less hungry, his appetite now lost. 


	2. Is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy this second chapter!! 
> 
> thank u guys so much for the support on this fic already! <3
> 
> warning for a kiss that doesn't have full consent. love u
> 
> d.

History _is_ who we are and why we are the way we are,” David McCullough once said. 

Mark wondered why that was. His youth was fine and now he was the way he was. It was confusing, he had no idea where everything came from that made his life more painful. Mark’s history was family dinners every Sunday and outings, always surrounded by cameras and sometimes it was holidays. 

Mark had no idea where everything had come from, but he wanted it to leave. He wasn’t even sure what it was, entirely, but he wished for it to go. He had no need for it and all it did was alienate him from the rest of the world. 

He sighed, rolling over in bed. It had turned out that Renjun _did_ want to rant about Jeno while getting himself shit-faced drunk.

Mark couldn’t go back to his own dorm till at least two am, and by that time he had put the slurring and crying drunk boy to bed and made him breakfast for when he woke up. Mark was worried for Renjun, scared of the headache the boy was bound to wake up with. There was the slightest urge to text Jeno and just have the two of them talk like the semi-adults they were, but Mark couldn’t afford to lose either of them. 

So by the time Mark was ready to finally lay in bed, his phone displayed a bright two-thirty am and he was yet again, exhausted. Once he hit the pillow he was out like a light, lulled to sleep by the noises of the outside world and the heaviness of his bones. 

Waking up was always a challenge on weekdays--during weekends it was way too easy to wake up at six am, for some _fucking_ reason-- but Mark especially desteded waking up that day. 

It was just any regular Thursday, frankly, and nothing special had been planned, but Mark looked at the day as if it were a giant hurdle to get over from his position in bed, legs pulled up to his stomach and eyes closed. 

And Mark hated track in high school. There were a lot of things that Mark hated about his high school years --cliques, horrible people, pretentious assholes, pushy parents and don’t even get him _started_ on the whole ‘I’m going to be famous one day’ mentality all Los Angeles teenagers seemed to have-- and track was one of them. 

His parents had made him do it one season in freshman year, when Mark was still their lovely son that could do no wrong in the media’s eyes, and Mark had hated every second of it. What was the point of running when you weren’t running after something? Or away from something? 

And so Mark had convinced his parents, albeit barely, to let him drop the track team. They said yes, to both Jongin --who had been forced to play track for all four years of high school-- and Mark’s great surprise, under the condition that Mark joined another sport. This made the whole matter less surprising. Soccer it was. 

So clearly, hurdles weren’t Mark’s thing. And while he lay in bed, letting the minutes slowly creep closer and closer to the time he _really_ had to leave or he would be late, Mark created multiple more in his head, hands clutched in the sheets. Tiny hurdles all wrapped together into one big hurdle. 

He couldn’t eat breakfast anymore. Hurdle number one. He would have to rush to get ready, number two. Then there was the matter of attending the actual lecture, number three, followed by a library study date with Jeno. Hurdle number four. 

All in all; Mark wasn’t ready nor energized nearly enough for today. 

But that didn’t matter. He couldn’t disappoint Donghyuck by not walking out of their front door with him, his professor and Jeno. Mark had disappointed enough people this week, month, year. Didn’t matter. 

Mark uncurled himself from his position and grabbed his phone, the light too bright for his eyes that had gotten used to the dark of his own room. He sat up, groaning with the effort, and managed to get himself out of bed for the day. He put on his glasses, too exhausted to bother with his contact lenses. 

“Mark! Are you awake?” Donghyuck yelled from behind Mark’s door and the latter flinched, dropping his phone on his bed. 

“In a minute!” He yelled back, not having the energy for this as he slugglishy moved to his desk chair. He pulled on the same hoodie from yesterday, spraying some deodorant and perfume to get rid of his bed smell. After he had hoisted himself into a pair of jeans, Mark took his backpack and walked out, greeting Donghyuck with a smile.

Donghyuck raised his eyebrow before handing Mark a granola bar. “Don’t skip breakfast.” 

And with that, the two of them made their way out of the dorm and down the hall, ready to start their day. Mark knew that Donghyuck’s lecture wouldn’t start till at least ten am, but there was the probability that Jaemin and him would go out and get breakfast. 

Mark was proven right when they walked further down the hall and Donghyuck stopped right beside Jaemin’s door, his knuckles grazing the wood. If Mark was being honest, he had half expected for the other boy to have stayed over, but as Jaemin opened the door, Mark figured he did not. 

Or he did and Mark never noticed him leaving to get ready. 

“Morning Mark.” Jaemin greeted him and Mark nodded in response, his hands at his sides. He watched Donghyuck place a kiss against Jaemin’s cheek before all three of them walked down the hall. Mark swallowed, feeling jealousy and envy rising in his throat in the form of a bitter taste, sourness rising to his mouth before he swallowed it back down. 

While the two lovebirds focused on themselves, Mark unlocked his phone. 

**From: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)** **  
**_He fucking asked oawejfksdf oh my GOD_

_iM MOVING IN WITH HIM_

_MARK MAAERKJMJAARK MARK_

_IM MVING IN W HIM_

_MY BOYFRIEND_

_DUCK_

**To: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)** **  
**_Woah dude_

_Haha_

_That’s fucking amazing_

Mark bit his lip. He did feel happy, honestly. His best friend was so ridiculously in love with Kun and he deserved this more than anything in the world. But there was the envy again. The bitter feeling in his throat and the numbness in his brain as he replied to texts after texts, hyping with Ten about how he’s moving out of his dorm next week and ignoring his own feelings. 

He said goodbye to Donghyuck and Jaemin with a small wave as they entered the cafeteria before making his way to his lecture hall, shoes squeaking against the plastic surface of the flooring. Mark walked and walked, reaching the lecture hall just as the professor was about to shut the door. He received an angry look before letting Mark in with a loud sigh. 

Mark detested being late. He tried to always be early. Not just to avoid the situation of every single person in the room staring at you, because as it was, everyone _was_ staring at him and it made Mark’s hands shake, but also because his mother had ingrained it in his brain that being late meant he was lazy. 

Mark wasn’t lazy. 

He took a seat all the way in the back, eyes no longer on him as the professor had finally started his lecture and was talking about something Renaissance related that Mark had already read about during his panic session of homework three days ago. 

So instead of focusing, Mark opened his laptop and stared at his background screen. It was a picture of Jongin and him on a family holiday, right before all hell broke loose at home and Mark had made shit hit the fan. 

It was a picture of them standing on the beach in Hawaii, faces staring into the ocean with arms wrapped around each other. Mark forgot who had taken this picture, but he liked it nonetheless. 

He raised his hands to his keyboard, moving the cursor over to open up his browser. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, but it felt more productive staring at the google title screen rather than his older brother. 

Jongin had called a few days ago, asking how things were going and mostly making sure that Mark was okay. Which, Mark had told him that he was. Jongin didn’t live in New York. After things had hit the fan at home, Jongin had fled the house, sure, but Los Angeles was his home, it was where he wanted to live out his life till the day he died and Mark knew this. 

Everything about Jongin’s life was in Los Angeles. The day Mark decided that he was leaving for New York, Mark realized he never settled in Los Angeles. He thought that he had, but all those strings and roots were easy to remove, not really there. It was as if Mark had never actually lived in Los Angeles to begin with. 

He barely heard anything from Jisung and Chenle and yes, he knew the two boys were in their senior year and now busy applying for colleges, but Mark really thought he had meant something to them while he tutored them. 

Mark had assured Jongin that he was fine and that no, Jongin didn’t have to come over next month to celebrate Thanksgiving with him, that he should stay there and spend it with his friends, and that’s when Jongin decided to tell Mark about a love interest he had met. 

Jongin hadn’t given a name, but Mark didn’t need one. If that person was making Jongin happy, it was good enough. 

And that’s when Mark spurred him on to spend Thanksgiving with said person, and to forget about Mark. And that’s when Jongin had gotten mad because Mark shouldn’t say things like that. Mark had apologized and Jongin had assured him that it was okay.

Mark sometimes wondered if Jongin would have been better off if he had just forgotten about Mark. Had never said the things he said to his parents after everything hit the fan. 

Mark had put down the phone after that and had sat in silence for a few moments, before tears found their way down his cheeks and his throat was squeezed shut and his brain turned deafening and the memories were excessive and Mark couldn’t handle the flashes of what it felt like to be kissed, to have lips on his and to have warm hands on his body. The reminders were too much. 

The reminders of what once was and what would never be again. 

Mark felt his ears tune back into the classroom, pulling him back to reality with a gasp leaving his lips. Breath. In, out. Seven second inhale, hold, six second exhale. He clutched his hands into fists, the pencil in his hand the only sort of leverage Mark could find while he was drowning in his own head, a small tear leaving his eye and he roughly swiped it away. 

This was no time for things like this. 

So Mark pushed them away. He opened his document and listened to the professor, his hands shaking and knee bouncing up and down as the minutes slowly ticked by. 

Jeno was waiting for him by the library doors, smile on his face as he tapped away on his phone. Mark schooled his expression, shaking his shoulders a couple times as if to get rid of everything that his mind had provided him with during the lecture. As if it was that easy. 

Mark wished it was that easy. 

“Bro!” Mark looked up from where he had been looking at the ground as he walked to see Jeno waving at him, expression ever a joyous one. Mark smiled back, raising his hand to wave back as his walk turned into a jog, not wanting to make Jeno wait for him longer than he already had. 

After class Mark had rushed to the nearest bathroom and had splashed ice cold water onto his face, ridding himself of red cornered eyes and a bitten lip. The lip was still visible and Mark hoped Jeno would just disregard it as Mark’s stupid habit to bite his lip much like Jongin had done to Mark all his life, but he couldn’t show up with red eyes from crying in the back of the classroom. 

“Dude!” Mark extended his hand and Jeno pulled him toward him into a bro-hug, their chests bumping briefly. Mark hadn’t seen Jeno for a couple days. He was exhausted and desperately wanted to go home and just lay in bed or on the couch with his mind turned off as he watched ‘The One With All The Haste’ for the fortieth time but Jeno was here and Mark could do this. Just a couple hours in the library and Mark was done. 

He had managed to jump three hurdles so far. Sure, he stumbled on the third one and probably hurt his shin with the way tears had kept coming during class, but he had jumped over it. Mark felt his heart bleed instead of his shin. Flashes of lips curved into a smile ran through his mind and Mark bit his lip to refrain from grimacing. 

Not the time. 

The fourth hurdle was the only one left and Mark was going to jump over it, dammit. Even if it meant getting a bruised knee, a sprained ankle and dirt in his eyes. 

He could hear the crowd cheering for him already. 

“God--thank you for agreeing to this, man. Doyoung has found himself a boyfriend or fuck-buddy or whatever and there’s never a peaceful moment in the apartment anymore and I really don’t understand this material.” Jeno said, guiding the two of them to an empty table between a couple bookshelves. The library was relatively calm, a dozen students or so also taking advantage of the quiet whispers and soft chairs. 

“A fuck-buddy?” Mark asked in a soft whisper, not wanting to piss off the students that were hard at work around them. 

“Think his name is Jae--Jaehyun? Not too sure--he’s nice and all but _loud_.” Mark groaned at Jeno’s words, shaking that image out of his brain. It failed. 

“Did not need to know that bro, thank you very much.”

Jeno giggled, “sorry bro.”

Mark hummed, still trying to get rid of _that_ image of Doyoung, dropping his backpack in one seat before sitting down himself. “I can’t help you much with the material though because as we all know, I don’t understand jack shit about psychology.” 

Jeno snorted, “Yeah, that’s not necessary dude. I just need some peace and quiet for once.” 

Mark listened to that, pulling up a game of solitaire on his laptop as Jeno got himself seated to work on some of his homework. Mark wanted to seem like he hadn’t finished everything for the next three weeks yet, so he opened the book from this morning’s lecture next to his laptop. 

He typed every once in a while but mostly kept focusing on getting all the four kings cleared. An hour passed like that and Mark was starting to think that this hurdle wasn’t as big as he thought it was. Everything had been quiet and so far Jeno had only asked Mark one question about Kant, which Mark did know about, and so Mark was hoping to jump over the hurdle without as much as a scratch. Right until Jeno opened his mouth. 

“Have you heard anything from Renjun?” Jeno had a pen in between the corner of his lips, garbling his speech ever so slightly but Mark understood him clearly enough. He could feel his shin hitting the wood of the hurdle in the form of his heart starting to race. He was transported back to the night prior, Renjun drinking glass of whiskey after whiskey because he had seen Jeno on Tinder and they had kissed and fucked a few nights before that and Renjun had thought they were finally getting somewhere. 

He thought back to the way his best friend had broken down crying, hands shaking with agony and fear because Renjun honestly thought of Jeno as the love of his life and yet here Jeno was, scrolling on Tinder and being the oblivious fucker that he always was. And normally it was endearing, truthfully--Mark highly enjoyed the nights were Jeno could not for the life of him understand a joke-- but it was starting to hurt Renjun more and more. Mark didn’t like that. 

And he knew that Jeno never intended to hurt Renjun. Mark knows that Jeno feels the same about Renjun as Renjun does about him, but there’s something holding them back. Mark hated it. 

So he shook his head, scrunched his nose to get his glasses back in the right place and shook his head. “Nah, not much. He’s busy preparing a choreo for his modern dance class. Told me that he spends every waking moment in one of the practice rooms.” 

Jeno pouted his puppy pout, eyes turning sad. Mark wondered why the fuck these two couldn’t just be honest with each other, but he kept his mouth shut. Jeno turned back to work so Mark turned back to his game, hoping that this was the end of it.

It wasn’t the end of it and Mark realized this as Jeno and him walked out of the building, the fall sun beaming down on them as they walked down the stairs and straight into Renjun. 

Fuck. Mark could feel a bruise on his shin forming from where he hit the hurdle. 

The boy looked positively debauched. His face was as pale as his melanin skin could be, eyes rimmed red and clothes from the night before still on his body. Mark wanted to hide. 

“Renjun!” Jeno exclaimed, making his way over to the boy. Mark wanted to smack him across the head. This was not the time and anyone could see that, except for Jeno. So much for hiding. 

Renjun flinched and Mark winced as Jeno stopped walking. Jeno turned to Mark and before Mark could say something incredibly stupid or something that could potentioally ruin his friendship with both of the men in front of him, he waved. 

“Sorry guys, I gotta go. Ten’s waiting for me.” Ten wasn’t, but Mark wanted to get out of there. And before Jeno or Renjun could react, Mark was off down the sidewalk, speeding his way to his dorm complex. He was aware that both of his friends knew that Ten wasn’t waiting for him because not even ten minutes prior to them running into each other Ten had posted a picture of him feeding the birds in Central Park on Instagram, but it was the first thing that came to Mark’s mind. 

Kind of pathetic, but hey. 

They didn’t call after him so Mark relaxed in his step just a little, hoping neither of the boys had figured it out quickly enough for them to call out for him. He made his way to his own room in silence. As if he was a mere ghost on the walls. 

He threw his backpack onto his bed and scrambled for his headphones, thoughts booming through his head now that he was alone and Mark didn’t want to hear them. 

Music had always been his escape. Whether it was his own guitar or the beautiful riffs in the rock songs Mark used to listen to; Mark fled, finding solace within the notes and the chords of songs that he drowned himself in, willing away everything. Sometimes it worked and sometimes it didn’t. On days it didn’t work Mark usually ended up crying, and that was okay too, but Mark hated the headaches that always followed. 

Mark pressed shuffle. NF blasted through his ears and Mark yelped, skipping the song immediately. He wasn’t in the mood to listen to ‘If you want love’ and instead skipped till he reached a song he felt comfortable with in this moment of time. Luke Hemmings’ voice was loud in his ears as Mark went about his room, collecting empty water bottles and throwing away candy wrappers. 

He threw everything in the trash can and then proceeded to make his bed, putting his laptop on his desk next to his computer and completely organizing his room. It was as if he was in a sort of trance, his mind filled with the blissful tunes of his favorite songs and nothing more than moving his hands around to clean things up. 

His mind was fuzzy and empty like Mark preferred it to be. He didn’t want to think for a while, just exist. 

“A clean room means a clear head.” His father had once said and Mark needed a clear head. He didn’t want to think of hands caressing his skin, the lingering feeling of the wind in his hair as they drove around town on a stupid motorcycle. He didn’t want to think about his arms wrapped around his waist to keep safe and squeezing just a little too tight just to hear him laugh. 

Mark stopped his movements once he felt his shoulders ache and his legs ready to give in. He swallowed heavily before turning his music off. An hour had passed. Mark rushed around the room to fix the last bits and pieces before he walked down the hall to the living room, plopping down on the couch with a glass of lemonade. He turned on Friends just as Donghyuck entered the dorm. 

Mark sighed in relief. Donghyuck frowned at him, so he hid it behind a stretch. 

“Your face is red.” Donghyuck commented, dropping his bag next to the door. Mark felt his heart sink. “Did you run or something?” 

Oh. Mark chuckled, shaking his head. “No dude, I cleaned my room.” 

Donghyuck hummed, pouring himself a glass of water before leaning against their kitchen counter. “Alright--if you say so. Anyway, I wanted to ask you-- feel like going out Saturday night?”

Mark didn’t. He hated clubs and the loud music it always came with. He hated big crowds and despised the fact that everything was deafening to his ears. He much preferred the calm and peace of his own room, with a book opened or a game passing his time and his own music playing at a more acceptable level. Clubs weren’t his thing. Him not being old enough to enter clubs was always a good excuse, despite the fact that most of his friends always tried their luck. 

They had gotten in a few times and while Mark had absolutely hated every single second of it, watching his friends dance and laugh and lose their own worries while getting shit faced drunk made up for it. Taking care of them after was just something Mark did. 

“Yeah, sure.” Mark wanted to smack himself hard across the face but he refrained from doing as such. Instead, he smiled at Donghyuck who gave him a thumbs up before taking a sip. 

“Who’s coming?”

“Renjun, Jeno, Jaemin--pretty sure Ten said he’d bring Kun along but god knows if that’s gonna happen and Renjun said he’d bring someone.” Mark frowned at Donghyuck’s words. Renjun was bringing someone? What was he thinking?

Donghyuck took another sip before putting the glass down. “We’re probably not going to get in anywhere so expect it to end up back here or at Jeno’s place.” 

Mark rolled his eyes, slouching further back into the couch. “Why are we even trying then? Just organize a drinking night at Jeno’s. Bring some board games, I don’t know.” 

Donghyuck gasped, clapping his hands together once. Mark turned to look at him and was greeted with the younger boy pointing at him and smiling. Mark felt his heart speed up; had he said something good?

“Board games! You absolute fucking genius! Change of plans it is.” Donghyuck walked off to his room with his glass of water in hand and a skip in his step, backpack clinging onto his back. 

Mark watched him walk away before closing his eyes. Thank fuck he talked Donghyuck out of that. A night at Jeno’s apartment he could do. Doyoung would be there but he was always a cool dude. Sort of a weird second older brother to everyone in their friend circle, except for Kun. 

Mark watched three minutes of ‘The One With The Wedding Dress’ before getting a text from someone. He felt his phone vibrate against his leg and rushed to check it. 

**From: Jeno** **  
**_Board games at mine on saturday_

_U genuis_

_*genius_

_Anyway_

_Hycuk told me Renjun is bringing someone_

_Should i take someone too_

Mark couldn’t help but let out a groan. Now that was a bad idea. 

**To: Jeno**

_Duck no_

**From: Jeno**

_Fine_

_Ask kun to bring lots of beer_

Mark winced, dropping his phone onto his lap and pressing play again. Friends is just what he needed, his mind blissfully blank once more as Rachel appears on screen. Ross--despite him being an ass, in Mark’s opinion-- and Rachel should have just stayed together in season three. It would have changed the show for the better, but Mark enjoyed the ten seasons nonetheless. 

His hatred for Ross wasn’t going to get into his way of an empty mind. Not today. 

Board games at Jeno’s came faster than Mark had anticipated it. Friday went by in a flash due to Ten taking Mark out for coffee again and telling him _everything_ that had happened on Wednesday night --Mark had already heard it through texts and a phone call, but he listened with eager ears and a smile on his face as Ten recounted the story again but face-to-face-- while enjoying a cup of coffee. 

Mark hadn’t felt the envy again while listening and he was glad for that. Because while he craved the thing Kun and Ten had with each other, he was also happy for his best friend and excited to help him move in a week or so. 

It was going to be exhausting, Mark was aware, but it would be for a good cause. 

Mark had spent his Saturday listening to Jaemin and Donghyuck bickering as they played games in the living room, using their shared playstation while Mark spent most of his time hidden in his room, charging himself up for the night to come by playing his guitar and watching Frozen and Frozen two, all in one sitting. 

“Yo--Earth back to Mark.” Donghyuck waved his hand in front of Mark’s face, the carriage of the subway making a loud shrieking noise as it started driving again. Mark blinked once, twice, before turning to look at his roommate. He scrunched his nose. 

“As I was saying--Doyoung said one of his friends was going to be there too. Not sure what his name was.” Mark hummed, stretching his fingers from where they were wrapped around the iron pole keeping him up right. Mark was going to have to wash his hands like fucking crazy when they got to Jeno’s apartment, but at least he was standing up and being safe. 

He had watched Jaemin tumble to the floor just a few moments ago, just because the boy refused to touch anything in the subway. Mark truly didn’t understand how Jaemin was the one who grew up in New York out of all of them. 

Jaemin had managed to maneuver himself into a seat that was way too small for his own body, however, so Mark supposed that made up for it. 

“Who’s Renjun bringing again?” Mark then asked, turning himself to both of his friends. There weren’t a lot of people in their carriage, just a few other people their age and a couple in suits--Mark had offered to leave before rush hour because he honestly hated full carriages and luckily, his friends had taken the bait-- and Mark could hear a conversation between a man and a woman about some business deal on his left and a student humming to herself with her earbuds in. 

Mark wanted to get off the train really badly. 

Donghyuck shrugged, “Said his name was Lucas.” 

Jaemin piped up, “Lucas Wong? Are we talking about Lucas Wong?” 

Donghyuck turned to his boyfriend with his eyes turned to slits. Mark chuckled. “Think so? I don’t know his major though.” 

Jaemin sighed, closing his eyes. He latched his left hand onto the right side of his shirt, all for theatrics of course, before releasing a mocking whimper. “He’s too handsome for this world, truly.” 

Donghyuck groaned. “Shut up.” 

“Why is Renjun bringing him? And how do they even know each other?” Mark then proceeded to ask, turning to Jaemin instead. Donghyuck couldn’t provide him with more information even if the boy did know more about said Lucas because he was too focused on Jaemin. 

Jaemin gasped, “Oh! I ran into Lucas once when I was grabbing a drink with Renjun in between lectures. They must have really hit it off, then.” 

“What about Jeno?!” Donghyuck screeched, startling both Mark, Jaemin and just about everyone in the carriage. The boy didn’t flinch though; he kept his eyes firmly on Jaemin. Mark wanted to smack the other across the head for gathering everyone’s attention. He smiled sheepishly at the girl a few feet from him, hoping they hadn’t disturbed her precious listening to music time. 

God, people in New York could be assholes. 

“Fuck.” Jaemin exclaimed. Mark wanted to smack him, too. 

“I don’t get those two. I really really don’t.” Donghyuck commented, “This isn’t good. Jeno is going to think Renjun doesn’t like him and then he’s going to find someone else too which will lead to Renjun thinking Jeno doesn’t like him and--”

“Long story short; big shit show.” Mark interrupted him, immediately biting his lip. “Sorry.” 

Donghyuck chuckled, “You’re right.” 

“Well, we’ll see what happens tonight, won’t we?” 

Donghyuck rolled his eyes, kicking Jaemin’s shin. Jaemin whined, rubbing the spot. “Both of them are going to get drunk and that means they’re either going to fuck or fight and, guessing because Lucas is going to be there, it’s going to be fight.” 

“The only fighting I want to see tonight is Ten losing Monopoly.” Mark commented, trying to change the topic. He honestly didn’t want to think about two of his best friends fighting again. They had done it numerous times and honestly Mark wanted them to get their shit together more than anyone in this goddamn carriage, but it wasn’t going to happen tonight. He nibbled at his lip. 

Jaemin let out a bark of laughter. “If Doyoung joins in we’re screwed. He does _business_ for crying out loud.” 

“We’ll just wait with Monopoly till he’s either too drunk to think properly or has gone to bed.” Donghyuck decided and Mark high-fived him, agreeing wholeheartedly. 

They got out at the next station and made their way over to Jeno and Doyoung’s apartment building, meandering through the crowds without much effort. Mark just followed Jaemin’s steps. 

“Come in!” Was what they were greeted with when Donghyuck had rung the doorbell, the security door opening for them to make their way upstairs. They took the elevator --per Jaemin’s request-- and were met with a smiling Jeno at the front door. 

Mark knew what was behind that smile, however, and he wanted to scream at his best friend for having absolutely zero balls. Not that Mark could comment on it, technically, because he hadn’t had any game since high school, but he just wanted Jeno and Renjun to be happy. This was hurting the both of them to the point of ridiculousness. 

“Did you guys bring anything?” Jeno then asked as Mark tried to toe off his shoes. Jaemin shook his backpack. 

“I brought 30 seconds and UNO.” Jeno clapped his hands together, all of them moving to the living room of the spacious apartment after Jaemin had gotten said games from his backpack. Mark was met with Doyoung sitting on the couch, nursing a beer as he chatted with Kun. Ten was seated on the floor in between Kun’s legs and a man Mark had never seen before sat next to Doyoung, a hand on Jeno’s older brother’s thigh. 

“Markie!” Ten exclaimed, getting up from his spot on the floor to greet Mark with a hug. Mark smiled at him, feeling warmth creep up in his chest at the contact of Ten’s arms wrapped around his shoulders. Mark hugged back tightly, needing said contact desperately. His glasses ended up crooked, but he didn’t care. He tried to get as much out of every hug he received as possible because for some reason, people didn’t hug him often. Ten squeezed him tighter before letting go. Mark wanted to whine, missing the warmth of a person pressed up against him, but stopped himself. 

Instead, he watched Ten hug Jaemin and Donghyuck too before taking the games out of the theatre major’s hands, squealing in delight. “You brought 30 seconds?! Oh my god--i love this game.” 

“And you are?” Donghyuck asked, interrupting Ten’s excitement as he pointed at the man on the couch next to Doyoung. Said man snorted, taking a sip of his own beer. Mark thought he was beautiful. He looked relaxed, a smile appearing on his face. Two dimples appeared and yeah, Mark knew why Doyoung was attracted to him. 

“The name’s Jaehyun. You must be Donghyuck.” The man said, making Donghyuck huff as if offended. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” He asked, turning to look at Doyoung who had undoubtedly shared stories about all of them. 

Doyoung shrugged, “Jaehyunnie is just very perceptive.” 

Mark wanted to gag. 

He took a seat next to Kun, taking hold of the beer that was handed to him. He grimaced, putting the drink down. Mark didn’t really like beer and most of the time he didn’t drink but he hadn’t been able to spot soda anywhere, so he popped the bottle open nonetheless. 

“I’m Mark.” He introduced himself to Jaehyun, who smiled at him and waved. Mark swallowed harshly, his fingers taking the bottle of beer back. He found himself scratching at the label almost immediately, relieving some of his nerves in the way his thumb scratched the slightly damp paper off of the bottle with ease. 

Conversation started up easily as Doyoung set up the board for 30 seconds after a unanimous vote. Jaehyun answered question after question and Mark almost felt bad for the poor guy, Jaemin, Ten and Donghyuck ever the curious ones without much of a filter. 

“So like--are you guys dating or do you just fuck?”

“Ten!” Jeno exclaimed, flinging a pillow straight at the photographer’s face. Ten couldn’t help but snort and Mark watched as Jaehyun’s ears turned a bright red while Doyoung seemed slightly unbothered. 

“We’ve been dating for a week or so now.” Doyoung answered for a stuttering Jaehyun, patting his boyfriend’s thigh with a soft laugh before pressing a kiss to Jaehyun’s cheek. Jaehyun blushed even darker and Mark snickered along with the rest of the group. 

The conversation continued on as normal, bickering between them as usual and Mark let himself fade to the background. He listened to everyone talk and laugh and laughed with them, but kept quiet for the most part. The label of his beer was almost gone now. Mark forced himself to stop fiddling with it and instead focus on what his friends were doing but there was a sort of weird fog in his head, resulting in him feeling like he was only half in the room. 

Not that his friends were noticing. Everyone seemed perfectly occupied. Kun’s hand was in Ten’s hair, listening to what his boyfriend was saying. Jaemin and Donghyuck sat close to each other, bickering on their own and joining into the conversation together rather than alone. Jaehyun and Doyoung were mostly the subject of the conversation and Jeno floated around the room, bringing snacks in from the kitchen. 

Mark stood up, startling Kun on the couch. Mark smiled at him sheepishly before following Jeno into the kitchen as the boy walked into it for the upteenth time. 

“Calm down.” Mark said, making Jeno jump on his spot. Mark technically wasn’t allowed to comment on nerves because _hell_ he felt them himself too, but that was a different story. This was Jeno and he was nervous for the most ridiculous reason. 

“Fucking hell Mark--”

“Renjun is bringing someone, so what.” Mark knew he hit the nail on the head the moment Jeno’s shoulders slouched down. It made him look like a devastated puppy. Mark felt guilt cripple through him, knowing that him mentioning the elephant in the room was probably not the smartest thing to do. 

Fucking hell Mark indeed. 

“I thought we were getting somewhere, you know?” Jeno responded. Mark tried really hard not to scoff, holding himself back by biting his lip harshly instead. 

“Weren’t you literally on Tinder in the library?” 

Jeno nodded, “So what? That doesn’t mean anything.”

Mark felt a sliver of anger rise in his chest and he really, really wanted to hit Jeno across the head because yeah, for some it didn’t mean anything, but if the way Renjun had cried and yelled for Jeno on Wednesday night was anything to go by, Mark guessed it meant a whole of a lot to Renjun. 

“You’re an idiot.” Jeno looked up at Mark, greatly confused. A loud laugh from the living room echoed through the apartment and Mark raised his eyebrows at Jeno. 

“The fact that you can’t figure it out speaks louder than words, man. Just talk to him for crying out loud.” Jeno shook his head at Mark’s words. The anger settled within Mark, the realization that this was going to happen soon hitting him and making him calm down slightly. 

The loud noise of the doorbell ringing was the thing that broke Mark away from Jeno. He moved to press the button to open the security door before Jeno could, knowing full well it was Renjun and this Lucas guy while Jeno tried to get Mark away from it. Mark pushed Jeno away with his hip. 

“Dude!” 

This was going to be a long night, Mark realized. 

Mark sighed, dropping himself down onto his bed. He had changed into his pajamas despite it being almost four am and his clothes were neatly hung across the back of his desk chair. His glasses were perched on his bedside table, still slightly dirty from how Mark had wetted it with his tears. His room was as clean as he had left it before they had gone over to Jeno’s apartment and god was Mark thankful for that. Coming back after such a night to a messy room would have made everything subconsciously so much worse. 

After Renjun and Lucas had joined the group with the expected tension around the group and radiating off of Jeno, everything had gone fine at first. They had split up in duo’s to play 30 seconds and while Jeno and Mark hadn’t won, it was still fun to play. 

When Ten and Kun emerged as victors, they chose the next game which, coincidentally, was Monopoly. Again, duos were formed and again, Mark ended up paired up with Jeno. In a way, he was grateful for Lucas’ presence. If he hadn’t been there, Jeno and Renjun would have paired up and Mark would have ended up playing every game by himself. 

The tension seemed to dissipate throughout the night to Mark’s great relief. For a few hours it seemed to go alright, Lucas chatting animatedly about everything and anything and if Mark was being honest, if it wasn’t for the sort of grudge he felt obligated to have against Lucas because of Jeno, he could admit that Lucas was nice to have around. 

But, as it was, things never went the way Mark expected them to. After Kun and Ten had taken their leave with the excuse of preparing for their move after being the first couple to go bankrupt under Doyoung and Jaehyun’s reign of the board, Jeno became jumpy. Mark had cut him off from beer and other alcoholic drinks after the first hotel had been bought because a drunk Jeno was ever so _loud_ and honest, but it seemed that didn’t have the effect Mark had wanted it to have. 

Because when Lucas got up to get his coat because Renjun and him too, had gone bankrupt, Jeno had asked Renjun to talk privately and it had all gone downhill from there. 

Not downhill for them, oh no, because _somehow_ Jeno ended up pulling Renjun to his bedroom while their lips were locked together. No, it went downhill for Mark, because he was given the duty of taking Lucas back to wherever the _fuck_ he lived while he looked like a kicked puppy. 

Lucas lived in the same dorm building as Renjun did so actually getting him home wasn’t that much of a hassle, however Mark just wasn’t used to bringing tall, buff, drunk and seemingly pretty heartbroken boys back to their room. 

Lucas had looked absolutely devastated and Mark clenched his eyes shut, hoping to drown out his pitiful whines with the ASMR that he had turned on right before bed. His headphones were at max volume and Mark could still hear Lucas whining like the drunken college boy he was in his head. 

Twenty bucks says Lucas would forget about his feelings for Renjun soon enough. And if he didn’t, Jeno would make sure he’d lose them. 

Mark had managed to get Lucas back to his room in one piece and Mark was endlessly grateful for that because god he was tired and wanted to sleep and why the _fuck_ did he allow for Donghyuck and Jaemin to go home without him and why the _hell_ had he offered to help Doyoung clean up instead? 

Because that had ended up with him pressed against Lucas’ door, the taller boy caging Mark in and trying to kiss him. The boy had been clumsy, bumping his nose against Mark’s glasses and Mark’s nose. 

Mark’s breath turned ragged just thinking about it and he whimpered in his bed, clutching the sheets tightly in his hands. 

And since Lucas was taller and stronger than Mark was, there was no way he could have pushed Lucas away, so he allowed it. He stopped fighting and allowed Lucas to place his lips to Mark’s for a few seconds before Mark pulled away, his hands on Lucas’ chest and pushing him away. 

He had waited till Lucas managed to get his door opened before turning around and sprinting down the hall toward the elevators, tears streaming down his face. 

Mark had somehow managed to prevent himself from sobbing too loudly till he walked through his own bedroom door. From that moment on silent sobs and open mouthed gasps left his mouth and it took him twenty minutes and a few breathing exercises to calm down to the point where he had gotten changed and ready for bed. 

Mark untangled his hands from his sheets to reach for his phone. He squinted at the screen, his eyes trying to focus. He had promised to text Ten after arriving home safe and he still hadn’t, despite texting the other that he had left Jeno’s apartment over an hour ago. 

**To: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_Am home._

_Sorry for texting late_

_Had to take lucas home_

Before Mark could put his phone down, the three dots appeared. 

**From: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_Wait???_

_U had to take him home??_

_Tf??_

_Wat hapened_

_*happend_

_*HAPPENED_

**To: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_Renjun and jeno fought_

_Made uo_

_*up_

_And renjun decided jeno was mor eimportant_

_Which true_

_But then lucas duty was trusted upon me_

_Bcs jaemin adn hyuck were already on ther way home_

_Cuz i offered to clean up_

**From: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_Jesus fuck okay_

_Mark?_

_Are you alright?_

Mark dropped his head onto his pillow, his breath now constricted. He never made this many typo’s in his messages and for a second he had hoped due to being slightly intoxicated Ten wouldn’t have noticed. 

Mark just couldn’t help the images of late night sneak-out dates and kisses under the stars and hands around his tiny waist and the sweet touches of lips against his neck creeping around in his head and making his vision blurry. 

**To: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_Yeah dude_

_Totally fine_

_Just need sleep_

**From: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_Something happened_

_Lucas was pretty drunk_

**To: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_So??_

_U were??_

_As well???_

_And you kissed Kun_

_That wa sfin_

_*was fine_

_See im ok\_

**From: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_??_

_What does that have to do with anything??_

_Mark??_

**To: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_Well_

_Lucas a very bad_

_*is Kisser_

**From: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_The fuck??_

_Mark??_

_You kissed him???_

**To: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_nO_

_Du_

_De_

_He_

_Kissme_

_kissed* me*_

It took a split second for Mark’s phone to ring, interrupting the wood tapping that had been ringing through Mark’s ears before. 

“ _Mark? What the fuck?_ ”

Mark snorted. “Look, Tennie, it’s fine. Totally fine.” 

Mark knew Ten was rolling his eyes on the other side of the line. He also didn’t have to see the other to know that Kun was sitting next to him and it made Mark giggle. Fuck he was a lightweight. Only two beers. 

“ _You don’t sound fine, Markie._ ” Mark grinned at the nickname Ten always called him. It was cute. 

“He kissed me--pushed me against his dork all that cheesy shit. It’s ok though, promise.” Mark was trying really hard to not let everything slip out. Fuck he needed to talk someone. 

“ _He pushed you against his dork? I’m assuming you mean door? Did you want it?_ ”

Mark shook his head despite himself, a singular tear finding its way down his cheek. 

“Of course not! Fucking barely know the guy! I don’t want love! Fuck love!” 

Mark could hear Ten sigh through his headphones and vaguely Mark could register Kun letting out a gasp. 

“Hi Kun!” He exclaimed. “Congrats on the moving in together!”

Mark wasn’t sure what he was feeling anymore. He really wanted to sleep the next four weeks. 

“ _Mark I’m picking you up tomorrow._ ” 

Mark shook his head again, finally lifting his face off of his pillow. “I’m sleeping all fucking day tomorrow Tennie! I’ll just see you Monday in class, silly!” 

“ _No Mark, we’re picking you up tomorrow._ ” 

Mark didn’t even think about what he was doing. He turned his head to look at his phone as if that was going to take back Ten’s words, shifting to reach for it. 

“I’m okay.” 

“ _You’re clearly not, Markie._ ”

“No I promise, I’m okay,” Mark’s head cleared a little bit and he gasped in shock, realizing what he had just done and said to Ten. “I’m fine. Please don’t worry about me.”

“ _You can’t stop us from worrying. We’re picking you up tomorrow and that’s final._ ” 

Mark hung up without a second thought. Guilt knotted his stomach and made his hands shake, eyes trickling with tears as he tried really hard to make Ten forget about everything that had just happened via _something, anything._ Mark hadn’t meant to. Ten had other things to worry about. Mark was overreacting. Everything was fine. It was just a kiss, nothing else. He couldn’t feel the warmth of two incredibly familiar hands on his waist, he couldn't. He could will all of that away.

Mark was fine. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed it ;; thank you guys so much for the support this fic has gotten so far ;;
> 
> [TBI playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/78Rys8dsKiAkXAM5OTarIe?si=UoGrOGmaTcKgPyLcfp78ow)
> 
> [feel free to say hello on twitter!](https://twitter.com/softyjseo)  
> [or leave a message in my cc!](https://curiouscat.me/softyjseo)


	3. Okay

“Everything is _okay._ I am fine.” 

Mark kept insisting. He rubbed at his eyes, taking off his glasses to do so. The cafe they were in wasn’t their usual coffee spot and it was throwing Mark for a loop. Instead, they were in Kun’s neighborhood, where Ten would be moving soon which meant that Mark wasn’t going to see his best friend as often but that is fine, too, because Ten will be happy. 

The cafe itself was busy with people rushing in and out, no one caring that it was a sunday and that meant a day of resting. At least, in Mark’s book. Sunday was a time to lay in bed, watch movies, maybe take a walk around the block and forget about all of your responsibilities as much as you possibly could. 

And that was usually the thing he did every sunday. Instead, he was sat in a cafe he didn’t know with both Ten and Kun looking at him with extremely worried expressions on their faces and Mark hated it. There wasn’t anything to be concerned about. Mark had even texted Lucas that everything was fine only for the other to respond with three question marks. 

He had forgotten or hadn’t saved Mark’s number yet. Either way, Mark hadn’t forgotten, but that was fine, too. He hadn’t thought about soft lips and hands on his waist the entire night, honestly, and definitely didn’t cry into his pillow because he was so tired and desperate to forget. Despite the fact that Mark felt like he could snap any minute, he had managed to sleep a measle hour before Ten had pounded on the front door. Donghyuck hadn’t been home and Mark hoped he still wasn’t, hoped that he was still enjoying his time with Jaemin before the next week began because god _fuck_ Mark didn’t want him to come home to an empty dorm because that meant having to answer questions that he didn’t want to answer when Mark came home, too. 

The fact that Lucas had forgotten was a blessing, at least Mark thought so. No complicated questions and Mark was left to deal with the aftermath himself, which he was best at. And if Ten hadn’t shown up and forced him out of bed with such a strict voice it made Mark’s skin tingle, Mark was sure he would have still been laying in bed, tears softly falling down his cheeks. 

Mark would have been able to solve it all on his own like he always did, and yet here he was.

“It’s not okay? He kissed you against your will, man!” Ten exclaimed, startling three girls in the next booth over. Mark felt his cheeks turn red from the embarrassment, hoping they hadn’t disturbed their chat session. 

“And you look like a train wreck.” Kun commented. Mark swallowed harshly, subconsciously lowering his chin to hide the bottom of his face in the collar of his hoodie. It would fog up his glasses eventually, but Mark didn’t care.

Ten swatted Kun’s shoulder. “Don’t say that.” 

“But it’s true! Have you been sleeping alright, Mark?” Mark nodded. He hoped his friends couldn’t spot the lie. His lip hurt from the pressure of his teeth. 

“Just fine, I promise.” Mark repeated. He knew he wasn’t very convincing. He wasn’t very convincing to begin with, was never able to make Donghyuck do the dishes or have Jaemin pay for dinner every once in a while because he ate at their dorm so much he might as well start paying _rent_ , and he wasn’t convincing now either. 

Mark noticed in the way Ten’s eyes softened, slightly harsh look slipping off of his face. It reminded Mark of how Jongin used to look at him whenever Mark fell and scraped his knee. He had never liked that look. It resembled worry. Mark didn’t want others to worry about him. 

He wanted to be noticed, sure, and receive attention every once in a while, but worrying was too much. He didn’t want to be a nobody and he wanted to mean something to others, but when other people started worrying that’s when Mark shut down. 

“Mark,” 

“Please, I promise.” Mark interrupted Ten. He really didn’t want to talk about this. He just wanted to keep going. Nothing had been going wrong. Mark was just Mark, like always. 

“Something’s up, Mark. I can tell.” 

Mark shook his head. “It’s okay, Tennie. I’ll fix it.” 

Before Ten could say anything, Kun stood up. Mark’s eyes shot up at him. He was leaving because Mark was acting like this, probably. Nobody really wanted to talk to someone like Mark about his issues, and that was okay. Mark understood. He didn’t want to burden anybody. 

“Where are you going?” Mark asked, despite himself. Kun looked conflicted. He eyed Ten, who just nodded. Mark felt left out for a split second, but he willed it down. He was their friend. 

Kun looked at him and waited for Mark to look him in the eye before opening his mouth. “I asked a coworker of mine to help move some of Ten’s stuff to my apartment. He’s going to be at my place in less than twenty minutes, so I have to run.” 

Mark felt unworthy of Kun’s explanation, guilt filling his chest to the point where it felt like Mark was going to actually _choke_ on it. 

“That’s okay!” He rushed to say. Once again, he watched as Ten and Kun shared a look before Kun bent down, kissing Ten on the lips before turning back to Mark. 

“This isn’t over, Mark.” Mark felt his breath hitch, nodding on autopilot. He watched Kun walk out of the cafe and realized there and then that only Ten was here now. The man Mark called his best friend. The man who spoke openly about the fact that he had therapy when he was in high school and had even taken antidepressants for two years before getting off of them again. 

The same man who was as cheery as he was now. With his bad days, sure. Mark had seen Ten walk into his dorm room with bags under his eyes and a tremor in his voice. But Ten always picked himself back up. He learned how to live and he realized who he was, what he was and what he stood for. He sought out his purpose and found it, despite everything that had gotten in his way.

Suddenly, Mark realized that what he had been doing was more than stupid. If he could confide in one of his friends about what he had been feeling, even if it was just a tiny portion of the _bigger_ picture, it had to be Ten. The person who judged no one and harbored love for everyone who was kind and loved him. 

“Look, Ten--”

“Mark, I know something is up with you. Something _has_ been up with you for a while, and last night was the last straw for me. If I’m not the person you want to talk to, that’s okay. I just need you to know that you can talk to me about it, if you do want to.” 

Mark’s chest tightened, his skin suddenly feeling too cold for the way the cafe was a cozy warm. He could feel tears rushing up to his eyes, wettening them and threatening to spill with each passing second. His throat felt like it was closing up, and Mark hung his head. 

His heart ached. He didn’t deserve someone like Ten. 

“I’m not sure what’s going on.” His voice was soft, barely audible and there was a side of Mark which hoped that Ten hadn’t heard him. But, by the way he could hear movement and then feel an arm wrapped around his shoulder, Mark knew Ten had heard. 

He had heard and he had _listened_. 

Ten leaned his head against Mark’s, breathing out slowly. Mark found himself focusing on his breaths, trying to mirror Ten’s. Mark closed his eyes, worry of what the other people in the cafe might think of them blurring into the background, instead his mind filled with Ten’s breaths until he could feel his own breathing align with his. 

“It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it now, Mark. But please know that you can always come to me if you need and want to, alright?” Mark felt Ten squeeze his shoulder and he nodded, opening his eyes again. 

Mark turned to Ten and tried to smile, hoping it was convincing. “All I want now is to sleep, if I’m being honest.”

Ten chuckled and ruffled Mark’s hair, making Mark let out a squeak. “I’ll take you back to your dorm.” 

Mark slept the rest of his Sunday away. After Ten had left Mark alone--Donghyuck still hadn’t gotten home at that point, thank _god_ \-- Mark had collapsed onto his bed without even doing so much as taking his socks off. He normally detested sleeping with socks on, yet here he was. 

His dreams were haunted by hands around his waist and kisses against the nape of his neck, and while Mark didn’t want to relive those moments, he needed his sleep. So he succumbed to the images, to the feeling, and woke up with stained cheeks and his vision blurry. 

He could hear movement in the dorm room and Mark sighed. He sat up and wiped at his eyes, willing the tears away. Donghyuck had most likely assumed Mark was still passed out from the night before. Mark hoped his roommate hadn’t checked on him. 

Mark stood up and quickly changed out of his clothes, putting on joggers and a hoodie. He neatly hung his clothes back in his wardrobe and took his phone before walking into their living space, only to be greeted with Donghyuck with a Playstation controller in his hands and the noises of zombies walking around emitting from their sound system. Mark rubbed at his eye, scooting his glasses back into place. 

“Morning.” Donghyuck greeted, mouth full with what Mark assumed to be his lunch. He turned on his phone and his eyes widened, realizing that it was past lunch time. _Way_ past lunch time. 

Donghyuck was having dinner. 

“Hello to you too, jerk.” 

Donghyuck squawked in fake offense. “Why am I the jerk?”

“You could’ve woken me up?!” Mark responded, dropping himself down on the couch next to Donghyuck. He was really glad Donghyuck hadn’t come into his room, but Donghyuck didn’t need to know that. Instead, he laughed at his best friend when he pouted and kicked at the controller in Donghyuck’s hand, watching as Joel dropped himself off of a platform and fell to his death. 

“Okay, valid. Doesn’t justify killing Joel, though. Now I have to fight off a group of runners and clickers again.” Donghyuck dropped the subject of Mark’s wasted Sunday just like that, returning his focus onto the game and restarting the scene. Mark watched for a few minutes as Donghyuck died two times before managing to get back to the point where Mark had killed him, and he found himself feeling slightly guilty for it. 

Instead of voicing that, though, Mark stood up and made himself something to eat. He ate his noodles while watching Donghyuck play, enjoying it almost like a movie. His phone buzzed, taking Mark’s attention away from the screen. Donghyuck was looting anyway. 

**From: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_Maybe you should talk with a professional too, Mark_

Mark sighed, closing his eyes. 

Donghyuck paused the game. “What’s wrong?”

Mark locked his phone quickly before shrugging. “Stupid classmate about some assignments for our next class.” 

Donghyuck frowned but didn’t say anything, turning back to his game. Mark unlocked his phone and ignored the other messages. Two were from his father, a couple from Jongin and their friend group chat had been spammed with pictures from the night before, but Mark didn’t look at them. Instead, he opened Ten’s message again. 

His fingers hovered over the screen, Mark taking his bottom lip in between his teeth. 

**To: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_Nah dude, no need to. I’m good._

Other people had it way worse, Mark had convinced himself this years ago. He wasn’t about to take up a space and a time slot with a therapist that was way better off helping someone else, someone who really needed it. Mark could solve his problems by himself. 

**From: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_I still talk to mine, yk?_

_There’s no shame in it_

Mark rolled his eyes. He knew that much. There was absolutely nothing wrong with asking for help, but Mark didn’t need any. He was perfectly fine with solving this thing, whatever it was, by himself. 

**To: Ten (“Yes, like the number.”)**

_Ik ik_

_I’ll think about it_

_K?_

Mark wasn’t going to think about it, but he hoped Ten would believe him. Mark would humor Ten this time around, to ease the elder’s worry, and it would pass after a week or so. Mark hoped it would, at least, because Ten had other things to worry about. Happier things, like moving in with Kun, and more important things, like his college assignments and education in general. 

Beside him, Donghyuck yelped loudly as a runner jumped into view, taking him by surprise. Mark startled, too, more because of Donghyuck rather than the game. Mark bit his lip once more, opening his chat with Renjun. 

**To: Renjunnie**

_Dude_

_How was last night_

Mark dropped his phone onto the coffee table, realizing that Renjun would probably not reply any time soon. This could have two reasons, but Mark only wanted to think about the one where both Renjun and Jeno were too busy kissing each other to text him back. The other reason was a fight, but Mark pushed that to the back of his head. 

He hoped Lucas was doing well, too. Mark tried to block the thought of Lucas’ lips against his, the scent of alcohol that had surrounded Lucas on their way home. The gentle giant had probably hoped he would be going home with Renjun, so yeah Mark felt slightly bad for him. 

“Did you sleep well, by the way?” Donghyuck asked out of the blue, making Mark look at him with his eyebrows raised. 

“Sure I did. Didn’t wake up to you and Jaemin canoodling, so I’m all good.” 

Donghyuck groaned, whacking Mark with the closest pillow he could find. It was the one Jaemin had brought over one day and had never taken back to his own room. It was a weird teal color, decorated with a few coffee stains here and there. Mark took the pillow and whacked Donghyuck right back. 

“We did our ‘canoodling’ at his place, thank you _very_ much.” Donghyuck then said with the straightest face Mark had ever seen him pull, making Mark giggle. 

“His roommate was fine with that?” 

Donghyuck shrugged. “Fucker is barely there hi--aw fuck you Ellie! What are you good for?! Shoot zombies, that’s what your fucking gun is for isn’t it?!” 

Mark laughed at Donghyuck as he watched his best friend try and fight a big group of runners on his own. Not that Mark would be any better at it, though. He’s tried playing The Last Of Us and many games like it, but he was bad at shooting. He panicked, most of the time, and would end up dying anyway. He was much better at strategy games, such as Civilization. He beat Donghyuck’s ass at that hundreds of times. 

Mark stood up and washed out his bowl, placing it in their dishwasher. Another perk that came with rich parents, Mark supposed. He took a glass and filled it with water before waving at Donghyuck and making his way back into his room. 

He left his messy bed for what it was, instead sitting down on his desk chair and grabbing his guitar. He didn’t have a particular song in mind, so Mark allowed his fingers to pluck and strum at the strings without much thought, letting his mind wander away while the sounds of the guitar echoed around the room. 

Ten had listened to him. And that’s what scared Mark. Because Ten was listening to Mark but Mark had no idea what he was talking about. He had no idea what was going on, and how to handle it. Ten was listening but he was also listening to Kun, to Renjun, to Jeno and the rest of their friends. Ten’s head was full with many things and Mark didn’t want to be part of the reason why Ten had bad days. 

Whenever Ten had bad days, Mark found himself bringing the older a cup of coffee. Sometimes they watched movies, sometimes all Ten wanted was a FaceTime call. Mark would make sure to get his notes from their chemistry lecture to Ten and he would gather any information Ten may have missed. He would send Ten songs that might cheer him up, pictures and memes that would make Ten feel loved. 

Because he was. Ten was loved by their entire friend group, fitting in so seamlessly with the rest of Mark’s friends after their initial meeting over a year ago. And Ten knew this, but Mark also knew that sometimes it got hard to believe. 

And Mark felt that. Because he knew his friends loved him dearly, but he feared that once Mark told them, they wouldn’t anymore. He feared that he would become too much, too high maintenance. The thought that his friends might not love him as much as Mark loved them kept him awake on his worst nights, when nothing seemed real and time wasn’t moving. Those nights were the nights when Mark needed reassurance, but instead of seeking that, he listened to ASMR, finding his positive affirmations in the words of a stranger that a million other strangers listened to. Or he found them in his music, in the sad words that many artists had written. So easily describing what Mark couldn’t.

Logically speaking, Mark realized that thinking his friends would drop him was nothing more than the negative voice in his head speaking, screaming louder than any positive thought ever could. But Mark feared it, nonetheless. He held his guitar a little tighter, felt the strings dig into his fingertips and he sighed. 

His phone buzzed from where Mark had placed it on his desk and he sighed, standing up and putting his guitar away. 

**From: Jonginnie**

_Mom asked me to thanksgiving_

_Did she ask you?_

_Mark?_

_MAAAARKKKK_

Mark chuckled, shaking his head. Jongin, his impatient older brother. 

**To: Jonginnie**

_Dad asked me_

_Lol_

_Are you going?_

Mark watched as Jongin typed, awkwardly standing in the middle of his bedroom while the sky darkened outside and the noise in the living room died down. Donghyuck was probably getting ready for bed himself. 

**From: Jonginnie**

_You’re kidding right?_

_Ofc I’m not going._

_Already told u i’m spending it with Chanyeol_

_Oh right._

_His name is chanyeol._

Mark rolled his eyes. He wanted to hit himself across the head for ever doubting his older brother. He should have remembered their phone conversation. He scrunched his nose once more.

**To: Jonginnie**

_Oh right_

_Chanyeol?_

_Sounds like a cool guy_

_When can i meet him_

If Jongin was spending Thanksgiving with this guy, things were probably getting serious. Perhaps Jongin was even spending it with the guys’ family. Mark felt a rush of jealousy heat up his chest in the worst way possible. He tried to swallow it down. 

**From: Jonginnie**

_When u come to LA again_

_He is a cool guy_

_He’s South Korean too, so ha._

Mark rolled his eyes again. Jongin’s latest ex had been a white guy named Tommy that Mark hadn’t particularly liked. Their relationship hadn’t lasted long, so Mark supposed Jongin didn’t either. 

**To: Jonginnie**

_Hahaha cool_

_Idk when that will be_

_So keep him around will you_

Mark wasn’t sure when he would go back to Los Angeles again. He hadn’t looked back ever since he had gotten on the plane to New York, leaving everything and everyone behind. But, he had to go back sometime, especially if Jongin stuck to his decision to stay there, too. 

**From: Jonginnie**

_U asshole_

_I’ll try_

_Now go sleep, shithead._

Mark wasn’t going to tell Jongin that he had slept all day, so instead he wished his brother good night and turned off his ‘last seen’. He opened the group chat his friends shared and skimmed through some of the pictures. 

Mark froze when he found one with Lucas on it, the gentle giant’s arm wrapped around Mark and Renjun’s shoulder during their game of Monopoly. Before Ten and Kun had gone bankrupt and everything had gone to shit. His thumb hovered over the exit button, the sudden chills he felt going down his spine making him close his phone and throw it on the bed. It bounced off and landed on the floor with a loud ‘thunk’ and Mark flinched, hoping Donghyuck hadn’t heard it.

When he heard nothing coming from down the hall, he sighed. He really needed to get over this. Lucas had kissed him, so what? It wasn’t a big deal. If Lucas remembered it he would apologize for sure, because while Mark had wanted to hate him because of what his presence had done to Jeno, Lucas had been nothing but nice and funny. 

He had been hurt and left alone when Renjun had probably promised him something, and so Mark understood Lucas’ emotions. He hadn’t liked it, but he needed to get over it. 

So Mark dropped himself down on his bed, leant over to take his phone from the floor and plugged in his headphones. He probably wasn’t going to get much sleep but it was worth a try. He didn’t want to look like a zombie walking into his morning lecture. He put his glasses down on his bedside table, turning his back toward the room. 

He closed his eyes as Jaymes Young’s voice filled his ears. Mark curled in on himself, taking one of his pillows and cuddling it close to his chest. Mark blinked, his vision blurring, and he sighed. One day he was going to run out of tears, he was sure of it. 

He wiped them away once, but allowed the rest to come. He wasn’t going to waste energy on something he couldn’t stop. The music filled his ears and Mark tried his best to relax his limbs, hoping the darkness would take him soon and would take him somewhere nice, and not right into arms he didn’t want to feel around his body. 

Mark had never liked Mondays. For the typical college students, of course, but also because yet another week had started and yet another one had passed, one where Mark still had no idea what he was truly doing. What he was working for. 

He walked into his morning lecture holding onto a thermos, the tea inside still piping hot. Mark took a spot somewhere in the middle, wanting to have a good view of the board. As he dropped himself down in the seat, he felt his phone buzz. 

**From: Renjunnie:**

_Sorry bro_

_Things went t_

_To shit_

Mark let out a loud sigh. The girl next to him frowned at him and Mark wished the ground could just swallow him whole. Mark had expected Renjun and Jeno to finally work things out, to get their heads out of their own arses and talk about their feelings. Instead, it had gone to shit once more. 

Mark was really _this_ close to locking them into a room together until they worked everything out and came out holding hands or something. Mark shook his head, scrunching his nose to scoot his glasses up before he typed a response. 

**To: Renjunnie:**

_You’re joking_

_What went wrong?_

The professor had silenced the room and was already talking, but Mark’s attention was completely focused on his phone. He hadn’t even unpacked his laptop. He had done the reading for the next two weeks anyway. 

**From: Renjunnie**

_Just_

_Shit_

_Everything_

_Come over tonight and I’ll explain_

_Gotta practice now gtg_

Mark sent Renjun an affirmative that he would show up to Renjun’s dorm later, putting his phone down on the desk in front of him. He took a sip of his tea and took out his laptop and book, hoping to be able to focus on the professor in the front. 

Mark tried to type along with the powerpoint presentation, tried to keep his eyes focused, but his mind was growing foggy. It clouded his movements just the slightest and when he reached over to grab his tea, he instead felt the metal before hearing a ‘clunk’ and a loud hiss. 

“The fuck is wrong with you?” Mark’s eyes widened as he realized that his tea had spilled all over the girl’s pants, a dark blue spot now on her jeans. 

“Oh shit! I’m so sorry!” Mark felt himself blushing heavily, embarrassment taking over his features. The girl threw him a nasty look. 

“Watch out what you’re doing!” She snapped at him, gathering the attention of everyone in the classroom. The lecture wasn’t big, perhaps forty students, and Mark swallowed as he felt all their eyes on him. 

“Excuse me, what happened?” The professor asked from the front of the room. Mark felt his chest constrict as he reached into his bag and took out some tissues, handing them to the girl with a shaking hand. The girl snatched them from his hand, groaning. 

“A tea spill, sir. Can I excuse myself to the bathroom?” The girl asked, annoyance clear in her voice. The professor nodded and within ten seconds the girl was gone with all of her stuff. Mark eyed the spot where she had sat and he wanted to bawl his eyes out, embarrassment overwhelming. 

God fuck. Where was Mark’s head? 

“Perhaps next time you can wait to drink till the lecture has ended, my boy?” The professor asked. Some of the students around him laughed, others letting out a chuckle, and Mark slumped down in his seat. He took the thermos and placed it in his bag after drying it, eyes burning with unshed tears as he tried to get his focus back. 

He wished he could’ve given the girl his number, just so he could send her the notes she was going to be missing. Because of him. Mark cast a glance at the boy who had sat on the other side of the girl, furiously typing on his phone. Maybe they were friends, and she would still get the notes. Mark hoped that was the case. 

The guilt threatened to squeeze his throat shut. Mark swallowed, hoping to push it down, but there was no helping it. He could hear some whispers behind him and he bowed his head down, ignoring the soft giggles that came from his left. Mark wasn’t sure whether they were actually talking about him or laughing at him, but Mark felt his shoulders tense and his heart speed up anyway. He wanted to go home. 

“Okay so. Explain yourself.” Mark dropped himself down onto Renjun’s tiny two seater couch, resting his head on his hands as he leant against the armrest. Renjun was seated across from him on the floor, munching on some chips. Yangyang, Renjun’s roommate, was heavily invested in a game of pubg he was playing behind his own desk, so Mark didn’t worry about him hearing anything.

Perhaps he didn’t have to worry at all, because he knew Yangyang and Renjun were quite friendly with each other, but Mark wasn’t sure whether the younger knew everything. 

Renjun sighed and rolled his eyes. “Well. After Saturday night I thought things were finally, you know, going okay again. I figured Jeno had gotten jealous and finally gotten over himself. And yet, he didn’t say anything about it after the deed was done. We fucked, I spent the night, and Sunday he pretended like nothing happened.” 

Mark was going to punch Jeno. He was going to punch Jeno and then he was going to kick Renjun in the shin. Figuratively, of course. Mark had never been able to actually physically hurt someone in his _life_ , but the anger that flashed through him was very much real. 

“The both of you are so--so fucking stupid!” Mark exclaimed, clearly startling Yangyang. He turned his head and eyed the both of them. 

“You good?” He asked, taking off his headphones quickly. 

Renjun nodded and leaned over to hand Yangyang the chips bag he was eating from. Yangyang took it with a smile before nodding, getting back to his game. 

“He’s the stupid one!” 

“Oh like you can’t open your mouth and confess?!” Mark snapped. He was exhausted, still embarrassed from what had happened during his morning lecture, sick of his two friends running in circles around each other and honestly, he just wanted to go home. He was supposed to hang out with Jeno at the boys’ apartment tomorrow, and he needed to recharge. 

Renjun’s eyes widened. He leaned back onto his hands, crossing his legs. “Are you alright?”

Mark groaned. “Just tired.” 

Renjun raised one eyebrow but nodded. “You’re right, I could confess. _But_ , who’s to say that would go okay? I’ve been dropping hints ever since high school.” 

Mark nodded. He had known Renjun for a couple of years. They met through Twitter, back when Mark had a secret account where he fanboyed over several movies and actors, and Mark knew that Renjun had liked Jeno ever since their sophomore year in high school. 

“Look, Renjunnie, Jeno is smart. We all know this. He’s intelligent as _fuck_ but he doesn’t pick up hints! He’s bad at that. I think the only solution to this problem is to talk it out.” Renjun let out a long and loud sigh, dropping his head back. Mark could see the boys’ elbows struggling to keep his weight up. 

“You’re right. I should talk to him.” 

Mark felt his chest grow lighter. “Good. Do it fast, too.” 

Renjun scoffed, “We’ll see. I stormed out of Jeno’s apartment mid argument. Doubt he’ll want to talk to me.” 

Mark rolled his eyes. He scooted his glasses back up his nose and smiled. “Jeno always wants to talk to you.” 

“Ugh Mark, that was too fucking cheesy.” Renjun hurled the closest object he could find toward Mark, the anti-stress ball hitting Mark in the knee. 

Mark yawned, rolling his shoulder. “Cheesy, but true.”

“Fine,” Renjun relented. “Now go back to your room and sleep. You look absolutely miserable.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos and comments are always, always appreciated. hope you feel loved and know you're wanted. if you ever feel like Mark does, please talk to someone. You deserve it.


	4. Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyooo
> 
> welcome to chapter 4 (chapter 4 already,,, woah) 
> 
> I hope you'll enjoy this fic! This might be the last update for the next two weeks because my family and I are going camping (safely, of course. The case numbers in our country are alright and we are not going across any borders.) and I don't know when I'll have the next update ready because of this,, sorry :(
> 
> Have an amazing day <3

“Mark, any minute _now_.” 

Mark shook his head, his eyes focusing back on his surroundings. He was sitting on one of the subway seats, Jeno right next to him. The train jostled and Mark pushed his feet against the floor, willing his body to stay seated. 

“Sorry, what?” Mark asked, blinking a few times before he could see Jeno properly. The boy raised an eyebrow before smiling, bumping their shoulders together. Mark tried to smile back, his teeth finding his bottom lip easily after. 

“We’re almost there. You dozed off.” Mark felt his cheeks flush. He really hadn’t meant to fall asleep on the subway, but sleep had been hard to get by during the night. Mark had woken up several times without any proper reason, and falling back asleep had proven quite the challenge. 

“Sorry about that, bro.” 

Jeno shrugged, and stood up. He grabbed hold of one of the poles immediately, the train breaking. “It’s alright. Just make sure to get a good night's sleep tonight.” 

Mark nodded. He hoped that would be the case, too. He stood up, following Jeno out of the train and onto the platform. They maneuvered through the crowd, dozens of people wanting to get out of the train and onto it. Mark hated rush hour, but his lectures had gone on till four in the afternoon and he had promised Jeno to hang out. 

So here he was, climbing the stairs to get out onto the New York streets while all he wanted to do was fall onto his bed and _sleep_. Alas, he couldn’t do that, because Jeno had smiled when he had asked Mark a couple days ago and honestly, Mark still hadn’t learned how to say no without feeling guilty or coming up with some bullshit excuse to make himself feel less bad. 

“Wanna get some Dunkin?” Mark asked, trying to get Jeno’s attention onto something else rather than the fact that Mark had barely slept. Jeno hummed, and they walked into the closest Dunkin Donuts they came across. 

“Should we get something for Doyoung?” Mark then asked as they got into line behind a man in a suit. Mark bit his lip. He’d feel guilty walking into Doyoung and Jeno’s apartment with food that wasn’t meant for Doyoung. 

“Good idea. Let me text him to see what he wants then.” Jeno pulled Mark out of the queue. Mark followed him to a corner in the store, leaning against the yellow-ish wall. His teeth found his bottom lip easily as Mark watched people walk past on the street. Hundreds of faces he would never see again, and yet Mark could feel the buzz of insecurity, of worry about their opinions of him itching underneath his skin. 

He tried not to focus on it. Instead, he moved his eyes to look at which donuts they were selling and settled on a simple glazed one. It was a plain choice and for a second Mark worried about what the girl behind the cash register would think of him, but his train of thought was interrupted by Jeno moving away from the wall. 

Mark followed without a word. 

“Doyoung has a friend over, so we need to get him something too.” Mark nodded and shrugged, not really minding it. He wondered who it was, though. If it had been Jaehyun, Jeno would have just said so. Was it someone else? Did Jaehyun and Doyoung break up already? 

Mark winced, mentally berating himself for thinking that. Doyoung was a good guy.

Mark let Jeno order when they got to the girl behind the register, staying put until the girl asked for their payment. Mark moved forward first, swiping his card before Jeno could protest. 

Jeno took the box with donuts with one eyebrow raised and Mark shrugged once more, before following Jeno out of the store and back onto the street. Doyoung and Jeno’s apartment was less than three blocks away from the station, so they fell into step with the other pedestrians easily. 

“What do I owe you?” Jeno asked, making Mark take his eyes off of the sidewalk. Mark swallowed. 

“Nothing, dude. It’s okay.” 

Jeno sighed. “You gotta let me pay for shit at least once, Mark.” 

Mark rolled his eyes. They had had this conversation time and time again. Jeno always felt bad taking Mark’s money and while it was good to know Jeno wasn’t in it for the money, Mark didn’t mind paying for him. For all of his friends, really. “No man it’s okay. I don’t mind.” 

“I know you don--”

Instead of letting Jeno finish his sentence, Mark bumped his own shoulder against Jeno’s. With a sigh, Jeno shut his mouth and Mark chuckled, relishing in his win for just a second before they reached Jeno’s door. 

They took the elevator to the correct floor and Mark followed Jeno into a seemingly empty apartment. Mark watched as Jeno walked into the living room and disappeared behind a wall. Mark allowed his shoulders to slump, a sigh leaving his mouth. He hoped Jeno didn’t find him annoying because he paid. _Again_. Perhaps he should let his friends pay just once, to ease their minds. But then Mark would feel guilty. 

“Mark can you put the kettle on?!” Jeno’s voice pulled Mark out of his own mind. Mark hummed back in response, hoping Jeno would have heard him, before toeing his shoes off and making his way into the kitchen. 

Mark didn’t know a lot of Americans with kettles in their kitchen. He didn’t have one, growing up. His mother just told him to use the microwave if he wanted tea. But Mark preferred tea from a kettle and while Donghyuck and him had one in their dorm, he didn’t know many others with the kitchen appliance in their homes. Jeno was an exception, as to almost every rule, deeming it inhumane to warm up tea in a microwave.

The boy had been to Glasgow once in his life. 

While Mark filled the kettle up with water, he made sure to pour enough for four people. Jeno had mentioned Doyoung would be bringing home a friend, after all. Mark froze. Perhaps that person didn’t want tea. Maybe they hated tea and would think Mark was weird. 

Mark swallowed but before he could pour some water out of the kettle _just in case_ , he heard the front door open once more. 

“Jeno, you home?” Doyoung’s voice echoed through the apartment. Mark jumped slightly, barely able to put the kettle back without dropping it. That wouldn’t have been the best first impression, after all. 

“Living room! Mark’s in the kitchen! We have donuts!” Came Jeno’s voice. Mark couldn’t help but grin as he pushed himself away from the kitchen counter, turning around to look at where Doyoung was most likely still standing in the hallway. 

Except, he wasn’t. Doyoung wasn’t standing in the hallway anymore. Whoever _was_ standing in the hallway was too handsome to exist. Mark’s eyes widened and he could feel his mouth open slightly at the man in front of him. 

He was _tall_. He was tall and had a friendly smile on his face that made Mark’s legs turn into goo. It was embarrassing how fast he could feel his cheeks heat up at the mere sight of this man’s eyes. As far as Mark could see they were a dark, chocolate brown and Mark fell in love with them right then and there. 

“Sup,” The man said, giving Mark a small wave. Mark blinked and shook his head, trying his hardest to rid himself of such thoughts. The man was attractive, sure, but he was way out of Mark’s league. Mark’s league consisted of Mark and Mark alone, so it was an easy feat. Mark forced himself to smile back at the man. 

“Hi.” He greeted back, hoping he was convincing enough. “I’m Mark.” 

The man smiled, “The name’s Johnny. I’m assuming you’re Jeno’s friend?” 

Mark hummed, too distracted by the honey like voice Johnny possessed when he spoke actual sentences. Johnny should do audiobooks. Or ASMR videos. Mark would never have trouble sleeping again for the rest of his life. 

Before Mark’s thoughts could spiral into something way darker and entirely inappropriate for the fact that he wasn’t in his own room blasting NF in his ears, Jeno walked into the kitchen. He cast a knowing look at Mark and Mark wanted to punch his friend immediately. 

Johnny didn’t seem to notice, preoccupied with the coffee machine Jeno and Doyoung had but barely used. Mark knew they only had it for when people came over and according to Jeno’s latest update on how Doyoung and Jaehyun were doing, they were going to keep it and perhaps even upgrade it. Jaehyun liked his coffee, apparently. 

“Do you guys want any coffee?” Johnny asked, breaking the silence. Jeno was looking around for some paper tissues with slightly greasy fingers. Mark shook his head and pointed at the kettle. Mark felt his stomach sink into his shoes, for he hadn’t prepared coffee. He should have thought about that. 

“More of a tea guy, sorry.” 

Johnny chuckled, “Nothing to apologize for, dude. My mom doesn’t drink coffee either. Says it tastes like burnt cardboard.” 

Mark let out a very ugly snort. He wanted to run out of the apartment then and there, but Doyoung walked into the kitchen and effectively blocked the only exit out of said room without thinking about it. 

Mark wouldn’t have ran, anyway, but he liked to think he could have. 

“It’s not the stuff you usually drink, but you’ll have to make do.” Doyoung commented, taking four mugs out of one of the cabinets and putting them down on the counter. Johnny chuckled again and Mark could feel himself ascending into heaven. This was not good. 

“As long as I get my coffee, I’m a happy man.” 

Mark made tea in silence as he listened to Johnny and Doyoung bicker, Jeno tuning in every now and again. It wasn’t until they were all settled on the couch together did Mark realize that this was not the hang-out session Jeno had promised him. Mark was sitting across from one of the most attractive people he had ever met--which, considering he grew up around celebrities, said a lot-- in nothing but a ragged old black sweater and ripped jeans. Mark was suddenly very aware that he hadn’t put his contact lenses in and that he was in fact wearing his glasses and he immediately wanted to crawl into a corner and die. 

Universe one, Mark negative thousand and three. 

“So like, how do you know each other?” Jeno asked, interrupting Doyoung mid-sentence. The younger expertly ignored his older brother’s angry look, his full attention on Johnny. Mark felt his attention being pulled away from where he had been biting his lip and drawing circles on his mug with his thumb toward Johnny, too. The older smiled at him before clearing his throat. 

“We’re in a class together. I’m fairly new in the city so Doyoung offered to be my guide for a few days.” Jeno hummed. Johnny dragged a hand through his hair and Mark felt butterflies erupt in his stomach. This was _not_ good. 

Doyoung sighed, “Guide my _ass_. You forced me to show you the best cafe close to campus and that was it.” 

Mark snickered before he could stop it, making Johnny smile at him _again_. Mark was going to die right there on that couch. 

“So where are you originally from?” Mark asked, hoping to get Johnny’s attention away from where his cheeks were obviously a bright, flaming red. If Johnny had noticed he didn’t say anything about it. 

Johnny took a sip before answering. “Chicago, born and raised.” 

Mark had been to Chicago a couple times in his youth. It was a beautiful city and actually one of the cities Mark had considered before landing on New York. He had deemed it not far away enough from Los Angeles and all what the city entailed. 

“You?” Johnny then asked and Mark had not seen that question coming. He choked on his tea, his chest constricting. He coughed loudly and Jeno was up in a second, banging on his back. Mark winced, he was definitely going to bruise. 

“Are you okay?” Doyoung rushed to ask, worry evident in his eyes. Mark nodded after he calmed down a little. When he looked at Jeno, all he could see was amusement. Mark really wanted to punch Jeno. 

“You good?” Johnny then asked, making Mark want to choke all over again. 

Mark wasn’t sure what was going on. It had been ages since he had gotten so flustered because of a guy, since his mind had allowed him to be this way, and it felt odd. Mark wanted it to stop but he also wanted to hold Johnny’s hand. 

“Yeah--I’m from LA, to answer your question.” Mark desperately hoped that Johnny wasn’t a fashion fan, for he could possibly put the dots together and recognize Mark. Mark’s mother had been plastered on several gossip magazines and websites just two weeks ago, when she had gone out with one of her male ‘friends’ and the paparazzi had had a field day with their theories. 

It wouldn’t be the first time she would’ve cheated on his dad, Mark supposed. 

And, if Johnny turned out to be a fanatic Los Angeles area radio fan, Mark was going to actually lose his mind. 

Thankfully, Mark couldn’t see Johnny connecting the dots in his head, so he supposed he was in the clear. 

“That’s pretty cool. I went there on vacation once. You guys have no chill.” Mark let out a snort at that. Johnny was correct, in a sense, and it scared him how much Mark wanted to tell Johnny everything. 

“Oh Markie here needs to stop using his chill for once.” Jeno commented, chewing away on his donut. Mark felt himself blush even more, but this time from pure embarrassment. Johnny was going to think Mark was a weirdo, for sure. Maybe even insane. 

Johnny only let out a dry chuckle, though, clearly not seeing the comical side of Jeno’s comment. Mark wanted to scream. People had always told him he was too chill, that he needed to go out more. That he was missing out on stuff. And Mark knew this perfectly well and had cried over it an infinite amount of times, but something had always held him back. His own comfort-zone, for one, but also fear. Fear of big crowds, of storms and the public. Mark had a lot of fears and the outside world was definitely one of them, even if he did spend quite a lot of time out of his own dorm. 

Instead of voicing that, though, Mark turned to Jeno with a smile on his face. “Have you talked to Renjun yet?” 

Jeno frowned and Mark knew he had hit home. He desperately had wanted to change the subject but he regretted his question almost immediately, Jeno’s face morphing from content to confused and hurt in a split second. Fucking hell, Mark. 

“Isn’t he the one who ran away Sunday night?” Doyoung butted in, clearly not amused with the way Mark had suddenly brought up something that had hurt Jeno. Mark wanted to curl in on himself. He dared a look at Johnny, who looked quite confused, and he sighed. 

“He told me about that, yeah.” Mark bowed his head. He bit his lip, feeling the skin close to bursting, but he kept at it. Jeno was going to _hate_ him now. Doyoung was going to kick him out and the only person Mark had even remotely been interested in since high school was going to think he was a mean, selfish kid. 

How old was Johnny, anyway?

“He had a good reason, though.” Jeno said, taking Mark’s attention away from the way his knee was shaking. He unclenched his fists and somehow unlatched his teeth from his lip. 

“He did.” Mark agreed, not daring to look at either Jeno or Doyoung. Jeno let out a sigh before straightening himself back up. 

“We’ll talk about this later, alright? My xbox is waiting.” Jeno seemed desperate to get away from the conversation and out of the living room, and Mark followed him without a word. He could hear Doyoung explain the situation as discreetly as he could without sharing too much without Jeno’s consent, but Johnny’s response was inaudible due to the loud ‘bang’ Jeno closed his door with. 

Mark feared he would once again have to be a therapist for his friend, but he was proven wrong when Jeno handed him a controller without so much as a word. Mark followed Jeno’s lead and dropped down onto a bean bag, waiting for the Fifa loading screen to finish. Mark had never liked the game, wasn’t much of a soccer fan in general, but alas. Jeno needed the right distraction and since it was Mark’s fault he was sad now, he let Jeno play his game and planned to participate as much as he could. 

Mark sighed. He lay in his bed on his side, scrolling through his Instagram feed while Oliver Sykes voice rang through his ears. It was already dark outside and Mark knew it was way past midnight and he needed to get some sleep, but he couldn’t bring himself to. 

After Jeno and he had played a couple matches, Doyoung had offered to order some Chinese for dinner. Mark hadn’t planned to stay for dinner initially, but once he realized Johnny was staying too, he had found himself agreeing instantly. 

Subconsciously, Mark’s eyes travelled toward the necklace on the wall. He should really just throw it out, maybe even chuck it out of the window and let the cars down on the street drive it to shreds, but he couldn’t bring himself just yet. It had been over a year and three months since Mark had spoken to him, but he couldn’t get rid of the necklace just yet. 

He had thrown out the leather jacket immediately though, the memory of his smell and his heat too much to bear for Mark. 

Mark shivered, suddenly feeling arms around him that he didn’t want to be there. He couldn’t shake them off, though, when the feeling was merely in his head. He could still feel the ghost of lips across his shoulder blades, the feeling of teeth nibbling at the sensitive skin on his neck. Mark felt something rise in his throat and he swallowed, turning on his back. 

Breath in for seven seconds, hold for four and breath out for eight. Mark tried really hard to listen to the voice in his head telling him to calm down. He curled his toes under the sheets, his breaths coming out ragged. The feeling of hands skirting down his thighs made his legs tremble involuntarily and Mark whimpered, shaking his head. 

The song changed, Oliver’s loud voice making way for the soft lull of Coldplay and Mark sighed, the feelings around his body disappearing just like Oliver did. 

Mark had used to love those touches, the slight bruises he would leave. But now they appeared in his nightmares and Mark was worried that somehow, his attraction to Johnny, was going to make them even worse tonight.

Which, granted, made absolutely no sense. Mark knew this just as well as anyone else, but he couldn’t help the way his heart constricted. Johnny was handsome, funny and had been nothing but kind to Mark throughout dinner, even going as far as asking Mark if he had eaten enough after Mark hadn’t been able to finish with his entire plate. 

Mark had blushed furiously at that, that simple question sending him reeling. The small gesture of care had warmed Mark’s heart significantly, and Mark had driven the subway home with his heart beating rapidly in his chest and a smile on his face. 

It was odd how fast that smile had disappeared, but it was nothing Mark wasn’t used to by now. 

He sighed once more, replying to a handful of texts he had received. He commented on Ten’s Instagram post, liked a couple more and returned a voice message Jongin had sent him before he opened YouTube and looked for one of his favorite ASMR videos, dropping his phone on the mattress and hoping for a good night of sleep despite the early hour in the morning. 

Mark realized as he listened to Ten ramble about a dance practice video he had watched that it was Wednesday, which meant Mark had made it through the first half of the week with relative success. 

The tea incident didn’t count, Mark declared. Nor did his lapse of judgement when it came to Johnny. It wasn’t necessarily a lapse in judgement-- Johnny was a great guy as far as Mark knew-- but more of a lapse in Mark’s--whatever the fuck. He was sure it had a name somewhere. 

The point was that Johnny had his bachelor's degree in psychology and was now doing his masters in an economic field. And, thus, way out of Mark’s league. With that, Mark hadn’t even scratched the surface of his list on reasons why someone like Johnny could never like someone like him. Mark hadn’t written the list down, but it was in his head. He had spent the better part of his morning lecture thinking about it. 

Mark tuned back into what Ten was saying with ease just as they entered the dining hall. 

“Jeno said he already ha--There he is!” Mark didn’t even bother protesting when he felt Ten grabbing his arm. Mark scanned the hall, his eyes falling on Jaemin, Donghyuck and Jeno. Jeno waved enthusiastically and Mark couldn’t help but feel relieved. His friend hadn’t taken Mark’s misplaced comment to heart, something Mark was incredibly grateful for.

He hadn’t fucked things up. 

Jeno patted him on the back when Mark took a seat and Mark smiled at him. 

“Afternoon, gents.” 

Mark let out a loud giggle, caught off guard by Jaemin’s horrible attempt at a british accent. Mark guessed it was supposed to sound like a posh-London-ish accent, but it sounded incredibly garbled. Ten let out a chuckle of his own. 

“Jae, you know I love you, but drop the accent.” Donghyuck commented, making his boyfriend pout. 

“Why are you even trying, anyway?” Ten asked, having taken a seat next to the pouting boy. 

Jaemin turned to him. “We have to prepare a scene reading for our next movie acting class, so Hendery and I decided to do a scene from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. Our prof hates the movies.” 

Mark laughed. He watched as Ten rolled his eyes. 

“What scene?” Jeno asked, taking a bite of his sandwich. 

“Jeno--”

Jaemin clapped, interrupting Donghyuck’s protest. “We’re doing the Room of Requirement scene. I play Draco, of course, and Hendery is Harry.”

Mark frowned. “But they barely talk in that scene?”

Jaemin nodded, a mischievous smile on his face. “Harry asks Draco why he didn’t turn him in at the Manor, right?” Mark nodded. He could see Donghyuck trying to hold back his laughter. Jeno seemed genuinely intrigued. Mark almost laughed at that, too. 

“So, instead of Draco barely replying-- he confesses his love to Harry!”

For a split second, the table was silent. Mark wanted to laugh, he really did, but Jaemin seemed to take this _very_ seriously and so, in lieu of not hurting yet another one of his best friends, he kept his mouth shut.

Ten, however, did not. “So basically you’re making drarry canon?”

Jaemin hummed, seemingly very proud of his work. “As it should have been from the very beginning, in my humble opinion.”

“ _Humble_?” 

Jaemin gasped in mock offense, whacking Donghyuck with a paper towel. 

“And how does Harry react, if I may ask?” Ten butted in again, clearly amused by the entire situation. Mark knew Ten sometimes indulged himself in the occasional drarry fanfiction, so he knew he was only messing with Jaemin for the hell of it. Jaemin didn’t seem to notice, the smile never slipping off of his face. 

“Well, he kisses Draco of course!”

“In the middle of a fight?” 

“Hermione kissed Ron during the fight in the movie didn’t she?!” Jaemin retorted, effectively blocking Jeno’s attempt at sanity around the table. Mark couldn’t help but let out a laugh. 

“They’re on the same side!” Jeno exclaimed. Jaemin huffed. 

“So? Nothing wrong with a bit of hot rivalry to bring two _very_ queer dudes together.” 

Mark let their bickering fade to the background as he took out some left-overs, nibbling on his food as he listened to Jaemin’s _horrible_ accent and Donghyuck’s proud words of praise. Truth be told; Jaemin’s idea was a good one and Mark had always wondered how JK Rowling had tried so hard to make everyone in Harry Potter straight and ended up writing Harry Potter as one of the most bisexual men Mark had ever seen. 

“Speaking of which--” Mark startled out of his own thoughts when Ten spoke up again, clearly interrupting something Jaemin was saying by the looks of his facial expression. “We should do a Harry Potter marathon over Christmas Break.” 

“Oh hell yeah!” Jaemin exclaimed, clearly not as angry at Ten anymore. 

Mark hummed in agreement. It wasn’t like he would spend the holidays with his family, so he had all the time in the world. “I’m down.” 

“We can do it at my place?” Jeno offered. 

“On your shitty television? Let’s do it at Ten and Kun’s place.” 

“Do we get a say in this?” Ten retorted, raising his eyebrows at a pouting Donghyuck. He laughed, then. “Of course we can do it at our place. Kun loves Harry Potter.” 

Donghyuck clapped his hands together. Mark smiled, already excited. It seemed small, but it was something to look forward to. Something to keep Mark going. “It’s planned, then!” 

“Should we invite Doyoung and Jaehyun as well?” Mark then offered, casting a glance at Jeno. Jeno shrugged. 

“I’m sure they’ll like it, depending on the date.” 

“Brilliant!” Jaemin said, earning him an eye roll from Ten.

“Speaking of Doyoung,” Jeno started, turning his attention back to Mark. Mark felt his heart sink in his chest at the evil grin Jeno now sported. “Should we ask Johnny to come, as well?” 

Mark wanted to punch Jeno. His friend had clearly not taken Mark’s comment to heart, but that didn’t mean Jeno had forgotten it. At the mere thought of the tall man, Mark’s cheeks flushed. 

“Wait, who’s Johnny?” Donghyuck inquired, clearly amused. Mark wanted the ground to swallow him whole. He clenched his hand around the armrest on the chair, his teeth digging into his lip. 

“A new friend of Doyoung’s--Mark met him yesterday and he was _quite_ interested.” Mark wanted to crawl away and die, officially. 

Instead, he bowed his head down to look at the table. Jaemin’s wolf whistle was far too loud and the way Donghyuck clapped his hands in glee made Mark want to vomit. This wasn’t _fun_ at all. But, he kept his mouth shut. He took a deep breath before raising his head back up, and smiled. 

“Invite him, I don’t care.” 

The table erupted into chaos, because Mark hadn’t dated as far as everyone around said table knew, and Mark let them talk, chat and come up with scenarios that would never happen. 

He could feel a pair of eyes on him as he ate the last bits of his food, but Mark didn’t pay them any mind. Ten had no idea what was going on, and as far as Mark was concerned, he wouldn’t find out. Ten had other things to worry about and so did his other friends. So Mark kept his mouth shut, laughed when his friends made jokes and just--played along until the subject shifted to something else. 

“ _Mark_?”

Mark sighed. He gently put his guitar down with one hand, holding his phone to his ear with the other. “Hi Tennie.” 

“ _How are you doing?_ ” 

Mark wanted to scream. He wanted to yell that he couldn’t stop thinking about Johnny’s kind smile and hadn’t been able to stop strumming his guitar, playing the same song over and over again. He knew the chords by heart and every time his hands shifted he could feel a pair of slightly bigger hands on his, as if they were still teaching him like they had done in high school. 

“I’m good, Tennie. Just finishing up an essay and stuff.” Mark wasn’t lying entirely. He had an essay opened that he still needed to look over and edit, but his computer was on the verge of fading into stand-by. Mark hadn’t touched his keyboard for a good twenty minutes. 

“ _Don’t drown yourself in your schoolwork, alright?_ ” Mark could hear the worry in Ten’s voice and he cringed inwardly, desperately wanting to take that worry away. He had no idea how, though, for Ten had always been perceptive and Mark had gotten really bad at hiding things lately. 

“I won’t--I’m taking a break right now, promise.” And Mark was taking a break, but he left out the part where his break consisted of playing the same song over and over again until he was crying and his fingers were aching. 

Ten sighed, “ _If you say so. You were a bit absent at lunch today. Was it because of the stuff we said about that Johnny guy?_ ” 

Mark shook his head before he could stop himself. He bit his lip. He had two options here; tell the truth and admit that Johnny had interested him or lie and have Ten know he wasn’t telling the truth. And the latter hurt him more than he dared to admit. 

“No--well--It’s just been a while since someone grasped my attention, you know?” Ten hummed on the other line. His friends knew what kind of relationship he had with his parents-- well, for the most part anyway -- and Ten, out of all people, would understand. 

“ _Aha, now I get it. Did you get his number_?” 

Mark flushed at the mere thought of it. He wouldn’t know what to talk to Johnny about, anyway. The elder’s number would most likely go unused simply because Mark is a coward. 

“No--no I didn’t!” 

“ _That’s a shame, Markie! You need to get out there! I see the way you look at Jaemin and Donghyuck--hell, Kun and me as well. And the only reason you’re putting up with Jeno and Renjun is because you’re a sappy fool!_ ” Ten exclaimed, clearly excited at the prospect of Mark perhaps landing himself in a relationship. 

Mark shivered at the thought. 

Ten was right, though. Mark thought highly of love--sometimes a little _too_ highly, if Jongin was concerned-- but the thought of it made Mark’s heart warm. 

He had experienced it once, sure, but Mark was terrified of it happening again despite the fact that he wanted it, still. There wasn’t a day that went by without Mark wishing for something like what Donghyuck and Jaemin share. Or what Kun and Ten have. Mark’s heart clenched. 

Apparently, he hadn’t been too discreet with his longing glances. 

“Wait--you see that?” Mark screeched, hoping to take the topic off of Johnny and onto something else. He turned his head towards his bedroom door, partly expecting Donghyuck to come storming in to ask what was going on, but it stayed quiet. Perhaps he had gone to take a nap. 

Ten snorted. “ _You’re not too subtle, Markie. But, it’s valid. Don’t worry about it, kay?_ ”

Mark huffed. He was going to worry about it, of course he was, but Ten didn’t need to know that. “Fine.” 

“ _I have to go now, though, but you better keep taking breaks in between writing! And get some proper sleep, please._ ” 

“Of course, Ten. Now please stop worrying.” Mark hung up the phone and dropped it on his mattress. He allowed himself to drop backwards, his head barely missing the wall. He knew Ten wasn’t going to stop worrying whatsoever, because Mark would have done the exact same thing if Ten was the one in his position. Or any of his friends, really. 

He stared at his guitar, his fingers still aching. Mark sighed and felt around for his laptop, opening it and immediately turning on whatever Friends episode he could find the fastest. As Monica’s voice rang through his ears, Mark felt himself relax a little. 

He had watched Friends probably over ten times in total. There was just something about it, according to Mark. He knew exactly what was going to happen and when, so the anxiety that he usually felt while watching new shows or movies was non-existent. 

Mark scrubbed at his eyes, trying desperately to rub the exhaustion out of them. He was tired, sure, and his bones felt like they weren’t going to allow Mark to move any time soon, but Mark resisted and stood up, anyway. 

He walked over to his calendar he had on the wall, turning two of the pages to reveal December. He scribbled ‘Harry Potter Marathon’ on it before smiling. His entire calendar had been empty except for lectures and a dentist appointment. Having something to look forward to would at least keep him going for another two months. 

Mark walked back to his bed and dropped down onto it, positioning himself to comfortably watch a couple episodes before Donghyuck would yell at him to eat dinner. 

Mark startled as his phone buzzed next to him, taking his attention away from Rachel to a text from Jeno. 

**From: Jeno**

_So_

_Do you want Johnny’s number or not_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos, comments and the likes are highly highly appreciated!
> 
> [TBI playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/78Rys8dsKiAkXAM5OTarIe?si=UoGrOGmaTcKgPyLcfp78ow)
> 
> [feel free to say hello on twitter!](https://twitter.com/softyjseo)  
> [or leave a message in my cc!](https://curiouscat.me/softyjseo)


	5. He

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellooo
> 
> it's been a couple weeks and I'm sorry. I went on holiday, had to rush home to get tested for corona, got my test back negative, a heatwave hit rendering me completely useless and i started college this week. so, i've been,, kind of out of it. BUT! I am back. back with this beautiful story that i love so much. 
> 
> I hope y'all have a good day. I love u

“ _He’s_ going to want a reply eventually.” Mark looked up from his phone to where Jeno was seated on the couch, a can of coke in his hand and a wide grin on his face. Mark had never hit someone in his entire life, but hitting Jeno seemed like a great plan as of now. He refrained from doing so, however, and instead put his phone back down on the coffee table in front of him. 

Mark shrugged. “I’ll answer him, don’t worry.” 

“Sure you will.” Ten piped up, his words garbled with the way his mouth was full of chips. Mark should have probably felt offended by the lack of faith his friends had in him, but they were right. A few guys had offered to take Mark out on a date ever since he had started college here, and to each of them he had said no, using a different excuse each and every time. 

To the great protest of his friends, naturally, but Mark just hadn’t been ready at the time. He wasn’t even sure if he was ready now. Not that he had anything to worry about. All Johnny had texted him was “Hi! Jeno gave me your number”. That had been it. It wasn’t a marriage proposal and Mark didn’t know why he was freaking out so much. 

Mark reached for the bag of chips himself and took a hand full, pushing the bag away. Jeno was no longer looking at him, his eyes instead focused on Renjun who sat on the other side of the couch, clearly too focused on his laptop to even join in on the conversation. 

Mark had no idea why his friends thought crashing his dorm on a Thursday night was a good idea, but here he was. Donghyuck was with Jaemin, the two of them off to see some play Mark had never heard of that Jaemin clearly had been excited about, and Kun was still at work. 

Lucas was seemingly out of the picture. Mark hadn’t seen him since game night at Jeno’s place and while it seemed like nothing, Mark had been able to sleep without thinking of warm arms wrapped around him for a few nights now. 

Instead his dreams were either filled with screaming or barely there, but it was better than the alternative. Mark felt a little better rested, but Ten had shot him a worried look when he had walked in nonetheless. 

Mark hadn’t really talked to Ten, despite the offer the older had made him. Ten was moving tomorrow, and clearly had no time to deal with Mark’s inner turmoil, despite what Ten said. Besides, Mark had had somewhat of a good day today. His classes had gone alright, he finished an essay he needed to hand in next week _and_ he managed to take a nap. 

He just needed to keep up that pattern and he would be golden. 

“So what if he wants to ask you on a date?” 

Mark turned his head to look at Jeno, who was looking at Mark with the same stupid grin he had shot Mark earlier. Mark shrugged. He could feel his stomach tighten but hoped it didn’t show on his face. The necklace still hung on the wall in his bedroom, despite the fact that Mark had stood looking at it for a solid ten minutes after Johnny first texted him, and the memories that came with it made Mark’s throat want to close up. 

Johnny asking him on a date, no matter how unlikely it sounded to Mark, wouldn’t be the worst thing on the planet, Mark knew this. Mark also realized that not every boy was like Daniel, and that he was slightly older now and that above all, Johnny was older, too. More experienced, more knowledgeable at life or something like that. It didn’t serve to ease Mark’s worry, though, and he wondered just how he could blow Johnny off without sounding like a complete asshole. 

“I know.” Mark answered, putting the bag of chips down again. The salt of the chips burned at the slight wound in his lip, created by the amount of times Mark’s teeth dug into the same spot, but Mark tried not to focus on it. Instead, he grabbed his phone. 

“Who knows if he even _wants_ to take me on a date?” He then asked, turning to Ten for an answer. Instead, Jeno moved beside him. 

“You’re joking, right?”

Mark looked at him and frowned. Jeno sighed. 

“He thinks you’re cute, let’s just keep it at that for now.” Mark frowned again, deeper this time. It sounded like Jeno was holding something back, something Mark most likely wanted to hear but Jeno thought he didn’t, so Mark didn’t pry. He felt a blush creep up his cheeks, though, the warmth spreading through his face. 

Johnny thought he was _cute_?

It seemed strange and rather unusual to Mark that someone thought he was cute, cute enough to ask on a date, but he didn’t voice any of those thoughts out loud. He opened up the iMessage app and sighed, staring down at the two chats he had in the application. The one with his father and now, apparently, Johnny too. 

“Just say hi and see where it goes, Mark.” Renjun spoke up. Immediately, Mark felt Jeno tense up ever so slightly. Ten didn’t look up from where his toes were digging into the wooden flooring. Mark looked at Renjun and wanted to scream that Jeno and him just needed to get their shit together because it was _ruining_ things, but instead he just nodded. 

Both Renjun and Jeno were acting as if Mark was the oblivious fool in this scenario, while the two of them had been walking in circles around each other for as long as Mark can remember. 

“Isn’t that a bit of a dry text?” Mark asked, biting his lip. 

Jeno shook his head. “Believe me Mark, Johnny can make a conversation happen out of thin air.” 

Mark raised an eyebrow. For some reason that thought was comforting. He let out a sigh before clicking on the unopened notification and typed in a quick ‘Hi!’ before dropping his phone on the table like it was a bomb that could go off any minute. Mark noticed his hands were slightly shaking so he sat on them, his heart beating in his chest. 

The unopened notification had driven him crazy the past few hours, Mark’s need to respond to his texts immediately driving him up the wall. Except, he had had no idea on what to say to Johnny. 

Jeno gave him a slap on the shoulder with a giggle. “See! That wasn’t so hard!” 

Mark shrugged and let his friend believe that there wasn’t a storm going on in his head, his own voice telling him that he had fucked up majorly and that Johnny would never want to talk to him ever again. 

“Cheers to that!” 

Mark found himself in bed later that night, his phone blasting Bring Me The Horizon in his ears. He hadn’t been able to fall asleep after Ten, Renjun and Jeno left and apart from trying once, Mark had just given up and decided that staring at his ceiling was the best choice of action. 

Sometimes Mark wondered whether his friends actually liked him. They all had someone else. Renjun had Jeno--when they finally managed to work things out-- and Ten had Kun. Donghyuck had Jaemin and, now, even Jongin had someone; Chanyeol. 

And Mark was alone. Not that the fact his friends had significant others changed the love Mark hoped they had for him, but it made him think. Within his friend group he was no one’s first choice. Even in the outer rings, counting Doyoung and Jaehyun, he was alone. 

Mark sighed as he looked to his right where he knew the necklace hung on the wall. He wanted someone. He knew it wouldn’t fix anything, wouldn’t fix _him_ , but it would be something. It would mean being first to someone, meaning something to someone. Mark’s heart clenched at the thought, closing his eyes. 

Bring Me The Horizon made place for Gaho, the man’s soothing voice now blocking out whatever noise was going on outside the walls of Mark’s room. 

His chest hurt and while Mark knew, deep down, his thoughts were unreasonable and that he had friends who loved him to bits, he couldn’t help but let those thoughts chip away at his insides. They took away Mark’s sense of worth, Mark’s sense of self and it made him clench his eyes shut, tears now locked away behind his eyelids. 

He tried to think of Ten’s hugs. Of his words. Of the way Renjun always came to him when something was up. How Jeno could no longer watch Friends without thinking of Mark. Of Jongin, who texted Mark every single day even if it was just a picture. He thought of their group chat, of being tagged in cat videos on Instagram because his friends know Mark would love them or at least bring a smile on his face. 

But, those thoughts sounded like Mark was far underwater and his friends were standing at the waterline, talking softly between all of them instead of focusing their attention on Mark who was slowly sinking further and further down until he felt his back hit the sand, his feet heavy and his lungs straining for air. 

The ‘ding’ from his phone made Mark open his eyes, the tears he had been holding behind his closed eyelids slipping out and onto his cheeks. Mark scrambled for his phone, digging his hands between his sheets because _where_ did he leave it? 

He found it somewhere near his knees and he sighed in relief, opening the notification without a thought. 

**From: Johnny?**

_Hi Mark!_

_I was starting to worry haha_

Mark dropped his phone on his mattress. He could feel his hands shaking and instinctively his eyes shot up in the dark, his unconsciousness perfectly aware where Daniel’s necklace hung on Mark’s wall. 

He closed his eyes at the memories that flooded him. But instead of throwing his phone somewhere Mark couldn’t reach, he thought of his friends. How they had started to notice that Mark wasn’t completely _alright_ after all and how Ten had smiled at Mark when they were talking about Johnny. 

**To: Johnny?**

_Haha_

_wory about what?_

_*worry sorry haha_

Mark wanted to throw his phone out of the window and then himself right after. He wasn’t the best texter, sure, but this was horrendous. Johnny was going to think he was dumb, too awkward and probably way too boring and move on to someone else. Someone like Johnny could have anyone he wanted to. 

Mark shook his head. He was getting ahead of himself. Johnny probably just wanted to be friends, like everyone else always seemed to want with Mark, and that was okay. Only one person had wanted to be more and that had ended disastrous, so perhaps _just_ friendship would be a good thing. 

**From: Johnny**

_That i had the wrong number haha_

_Why aren’t u asleep yet_

Mark snorted. He could ask Johnny the very same thing. Instead, he sighed in relief and lay back down on his bed, phone held in his hands above his face. His music had faded to the background and somewhere far away Mark could hear the front door unlocking and someone kicking off their shoes, but he didn’t react. Instead, he focused entirely on his phone. 

**To: Johnny?**

_Oh haha no u didn’t ur all good_

_Couldn’t really sleep_

_Could ask you the same thing tho haha :D_

Mark wasn’t entirely sure why that smiley face was necessary but it was staring back at him already and there was no way he was going to be able to unsend it. Mark was stuck looking at the grey bubble with the three dots appearing and disappearing as the seconds went by. 

**From: Johnny?**

_Aah alright_

_That sucks, any reason why?_

_Working late on an assignment, lol. My project partner wants to make sudden adjustments_

Mark chuckled. Clearly, Johnny wasn’t very good with first conversations either. With that knowledge comforting him like a soft blanket on a cold night, he smiled to himself. 

**To: Johnny?**

_Nah not any particular reason. Am just listening to music and stuff rn haha_

_Hate when that happens_

_Who’s your partner_

Mark knew there was no possible way he would know whoever it was, but he found himself he didn’t want Johnny to stop talking about himself and about his day. He could imagine it, Johnny sitting at a desk typing away on his computer or laptop with those long fingers. His light illuminating a room, his bed unmade and his project partner on Skype with him. Or discord, whatever. 

Once again the sound of his phone made Mark snap back into action. He moved his gaze from where he had been staring at his ceiling, his phone bright in the darkness of his room. It was nearing one am and truthfully Mark should sleep. He had an early lecture tomorrow morning and he was supposed to help Ten move in the afternoon. Mark already felt his muscles become sore at the thought. 

**From: Johnny?**

_What music you into?_

_Their name is Yuta, doubt you know them_

Mark bit his lip. He didn’t know a Yuta, no. Perhaps Doyoung knew them? Which class did Johnny and him share again? Mark wasn’t sure. 

**To: Johnny**

_spotify:playlist:78Rys8dsKiAkXAM5OTarIe_

_This is one of my lists haha_

_And no i don’t know them lol_

Mark turned his music off. He yawned, his eyes starting to droop. 

**From: Johnny?**

_Ooh nice!! I see some NF in there u got taste_

_I’m gonna demand u sleep now tho_

Mark snorted. Perhaps Johnny could read minds. He doubted it, but a giddy feeling spread through Mark’s chest nonetheless. 

**To: Johnny?**

_NF is like,, one of my favs_

_Your wish is my command_

_Good night Johnny, good luck with your project!_

Before Mark could scream and regret his second message he opened YouTube, clicking on the first ASMR video on his playlist and closing his eyes. 

The initial plan had been to go over to Kun’s place and ‘help’ Ten move after retrieving the last of his stuff from his dorm. This, of course, was code for getting wasted at Kun--and now Ten’s-- place while surrounded by unopened cardboard boxes and random pieces of junk Ten owned. 

Mark wondered how the hell that had led to him walking to the closest liquor store with Johnny, of all people. 

Apparently, Ten had invited Doyoung, who in turn had taken it upon himself to invite both Jaehyun and Johnny. If Mark didn’t know any better he would have thought the three of them were in a polyamurous relationship. Which, Mark would have been completely fine with, thank you very much, but the thought had made something ugly curl in his chest. 

But, he also knew that Doyoung was a monogamous bisexual man, so Mark’s worries were, quite literally, useless and a waste of energy. And as far as Mark knew, Jaehyun was exactly the same. 

Ten, naturally, had been more than welcoming and nice about Johnny’s presence. With, of course, a big wink aimed at Mark after Johnny had expressed his thanks like the gentleman that he is and had made his way into the living room. 

Mark really wondered what his life had come to. Walking down a New York street on his way to a liquor store next to a man that would have been in _all_ of Mark’s wet dreams as a teenager. Perhaps Mark was being punished for something. His father would have said for his sins, like the ‘good’ christian he pretended to be but Mark doubted that was the case. 

“You’re shivering.” Johnny commented, breaking the oddly comfortable silence that had hung between them. New York was never quiet, always moving, but with Johnny Mark felt weirdly at peace. If he ignored the raging butterflies and the way he got the jitters when Johnny even so much as looked at him, of course.

“Yeah, should have brought my jacket.” Ten had rushed the two of them out of the apartment with the aid of both Jeno and Renjun, the traitors, and Mark hadn’t been able to get his jacket on time. 

Johnny was still wearing his. It looked quite worn but still ass cosy. Mark wondered if it smelled like him, too. 

“Do you want my jacket?” 

Mark’s mind went blank for a second before he shook his head. “You’d get cold.” 

Johnny shrugged. “I don’t get cold easily.” 

“Oh right, Chicago.” Mark chuckled but was still surprised when Johnny laughed, too. It was a beautiful sound, echoing down the street and nestling itself in Mark’s memories. 

“Yeah, something like that.” Johnny stopped walking, making Mark do the same. Mark watched as Johnny shrugged off his jacket before holding it out to him. 

Mark wanted to protest some more but he could feel the cold creep to his neck so, instead, he took the jacket gratefully. 

“Thanks, dude.” Mark wanted to cringe inwardly but Johnny was already walking, so he put on the jacket and rushed forward to keep up with the taller man. 

“How’s your project?” Mark asked as they turned the corner, the liquor store at the end of the block. Johnny snorted. 

“Yuta is very, how should I say this, very eager to finish. They’re sweet, though.”

Mark hummed at that. Johnny’s voice was nice and his jacket did in fact smell like him. Mark was surprised he was still standing after the violent attack on his senses. He had no time to think about it, though, because Johnny was already pushing the door to the liquor store open and Mark honestly wasn’t sure _why_ Johnny made him feel this way. 

He curled his fingers to wrap around the bottom of the sleeve from Johnny’s jacket and followed the taller inside, the warmth of the store washing over the two of them. A tiny bell rang from somewhere inside the store and Mark looked around, noticing a few others inside. 

“What does everyone usually drink?” Johnny asked, turning around to look at Mark. Mark swallowed, Johnny’s brown eyes the most beautiful he had ever seen. He tried to remember what his friends would drink, what kind of poison they would create with alcohol and he shrugged. 

“Usually just the usual, really. Vodka and coke. Bacardi raspberry with sprite. That’s one of my favorites, actually.” 

Johnny quirked an eyebrow. “You like the sweet stuff?” 

Mark flushed but nodded. “I don’t like the bitter taste of alcohol that much to be honest.” 

“Cute.” 

Mark honest to god felt his heart stop for a second, his ears ringing. Johnny had called him cute. The same Johnny that was now walking down one of the narrow aisles inside the liquor store, looking for something. The same Johnny that, for some reason, decided that Mark needed his jacket more than he himself did. 

The same Johnny that made Mark feel _positive_ things for the first time since Daniel. 

And Mark really wasn’t sure on what to do about that. 

“So like, should I just get some random stuff?” 

Johnny’s voice cut Mark out of his thoughts from where he was now standing staring at a few bottles. Mark felt himself walking toward him, his mind still completely somewhere else, and he nodded. “They’ll drink anything, believe me.”

They decided upon a couple bottles, Mark’s choice of Bacardi Raspberry being the first bottle Johnny had taken off of the shelves and after doing a weird sort of dance of who was going to pay in front of a _very_ amused woman standing behind the counter, they were on their way back to the apartment. 

The woman hadn’t even asked for Mark’s ID despite the fact that he clearly was going to pay for the alcohol, but perhaps Johnny gave her a responsible vibe. Like Johnny wouldn’t allow a nineteen year old kid to drink himself to smithereens. 

“Do you drink much?” 

Mark shook his head. “Nah, not really. Couple of drinks maybe.” 

Johnny nodded, the bottles in the plastic back bumping against one another as he switched it to his left hand, his right hand now free. Mark could grab it if he wanted to. He could stop clutching the edges of the sleeves of Johnny’s jacket like his life depended on it and reach out to take Johnny’s hand instead. 

But he didn’t. Mark kept his hands by his sides and allowed the cold night air to get rid of the last bit of blush that still resided on his cheeks and before he knew it, they were back at the apartment and surrounded by the loud voices of the others. 

Mark found a seat on one of the leather couches Kun owned with his drink and allowed Jaemin to pull him into a conversation about the play he went to see with Donghyuck a few nights ago. Mark had no idea what he was talking about but he listened as he watched Johnny mingle with his friends. 

It was weird how well he fit into it all. Mark’s friends liked basically everyone, sure, and they were quite welcoming, but Johnny somehow fit well into the picture. It struck something within Mark and he found his fingers reaching for a label to scratch but found that he was still holding his glass and not a beer bottle or something else. 

Mark bit his lip instead, moving his eyes from where Johnny was doing something on his phone while listening to Kun to where Renjun and Jeno were seated on the loveseat together, clearly engrossed in their own little conversation. 

Mark moved his gaze once more, back to where Johnny was standing, and watched as Ten strode up to Kun and wrapped his arms around Kun’s waist from behind. Doyoung and Jaehyun were close by, entertaining Donghyuck who was talking animatedly with his hands about one thing or another and Jaehyun was just as active. 

Mark couldn’t help but feel kind of out of place. Which, if he thought about it, was quite odd because if one person should feel out of place it was Johnny, but it didn’t seem like the older felt that way at all. Instead, Mark felt that way. 

It wasn’t an uncommon feeling. It creeped up to him quite often, if he was being honest. During parties, hang-out’s, coffee dates with Ten and even walking to one of the university buildings with Donghyuck.

Mark held this feeling that he was an intruder, that he was somewhere he didn’t really belong. That his friends didn’t really like him at all. And it was a horrible feeling, a terrible terrible feeling, but he couldn’t rid himself off it. No matter how hard he tried, how often he told himself that his friends weren’t just putting up with him. 

Mark could feel the familiar tang of blood in his mouth so he raised his glass to his lips and took a sip, the alcohol burning at his exposed skin and down his throat. 

He caught movement across the room. Mark raised his eyes to be met with Johnny pocketing his phone and raising his beer to his lips, making eye contact with Mark and smiling slightly as he did so. 

It was a beautiful tiny smile, one that sent Mark’s heart in overdrive. He knew he would most likely crash in his room, too many memories he didn’t want to remember linked with what were supposed to be the positive side of love, but Mark tried not to think of that as he stared right back at Johnny, his hands slightly shaking and nudging his glasses back up his nose with a scrunch of his nose. 

Mark didn’t feel like he belonged anywhere in this world. He hadn’t belonged with his parents, in his hometown and he couldn’t help but feel like he didn’t belong here, either. But, something in Johnny’s eyes convinced him to unlatch his teeth from his bottom lip and smile back, albeit a bit unconvincing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> feel free to find me on twitter or send me a message on cc down below, but no pressure
> 
> have a lovely lovely day and thank u so much for reading.


	6. Has

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> et voila
> 
> enjoy

“ _Has_ he ever messed a play up?” Donghyuck’s question made Mark snap out of his focus, forgoing his history book he had opened and instead looking at where Donghyuck was furiously typing on his phone, clearly irritated. 

Renjun shrugged, taking out one of his headphones. “No. There’s no reason to be nervous.” 

“Try telling him that! He’s terrified.” Donghyuck countered, making Renjun roll his eyes. Mark really didn’t want to become part of the conversation, so he kept quiet. Jaemin had an audition for one of the school plays later today--Mark couldn’t remember for the life of him which one-- and apparently, he was nervous. Or terrified. 

“Tell him I’ll kick his ass if he doesn’t go to the audition.” Jaemin’s nerves weren’t a new thing the group dealt with. With every single audition they came up and most of the time, Donghyuck and Renjun had to calm him down. Mark had never been really good at that, talking people off of the ledge, for he couldn’t even tell himself to calm down on most days. He felt bad, though, because he did want to help his best friend. 

Donghyuck chuckled quietly. “I’ll text him that.” 

Mark looked around the library, his eyes scanning the groups of people for Jeno. He was supposed to be here by now. His lecture ended at three, and it was already creeping toward three-thirty. Mark had no idea where Jeno could be, and he wasn’t answering his texts. 

“Have you heard from Jeno?” Mark asked in a whisper, turning back to his two friends. Donghyuck shrugged and Renjun shook his head. Mark frowned. It wasn’t like Jeno to not text back, even if he texted back twenty minutes late. 

“Did something happen between you two?” Donghyuck then asked, putting his phone down to look at Renjun. Mark’s eyes widened. He turned to look at Renjun as well, watching the boy fiddle with his headphones. Mark swallowed. Somewhere in the distance he could hear someone shutting their laptop a bit too hard, a book being dropped and one of the working students shushing someone else, but his focus was on Renjun. 

Had they finally talked? 

But if that was the case, wouldn’t Jeno be here with them? Acting like the disgusting lovesick fool he was? 

“We--I may--fuck--I may have told him he could shove it if he couldn’t get his shit together and ask me out like a normal person.” 

Mark turned to look at Donghyuck with wide eyes, who looked just as surprised as Mark felt. This was an amazing development, sure, but if Jeno wasn’t here then that meant something had gone horribly wrong, for Mark knew how Jeno felt about Renjun and knew that in any normal situation like this, Jeno would jump at the opportunity of asking Renjunt to be his and only his. 

Granted, they had been dancing around each other for years now, but Mark had guessed that Jeno would have taken a chance like this instead of doing whatever it was that he was doing now. 

“What did he say?” Mark asked, curiosity surging through him as his mind went over every single possibility that could have taken place. Jeno could have cried, could have screamed or ran away. There was also the fact that he could have asked Renjun then and there, but if that was the case Jeno would be sitting here and not avoiding Renjun. 

Renjun sighed, looking down at his book. Mark’s fingers found his pen and he twisted it between his fingers, his teeth finding his bottom lip with ease. “Well, he looked at me with shock before screaming that he has loved me since high school before running out of my dorm.” 

Mark blinked. He pinched his nose with the hand that wasn’t holding the pen, pushing up his glasses right after. Jeno had _ran._ “When did this happen?” 

Renjun turned to look at Donghyuck with a scowl on his face. “This morning! He just showed up at my dorm! Don’t you think I would’ve told you guys if this had happened earlier?!” 

“Please be quiet.” A student sitting a table away mumbled, and Mark apologized quietly before turning to look at Renjun, who looked greatly distressed. 

“Did he even go to his lectures?” Donghyuck asked, probably not expecting an answer from Mark. Mark wouldn’t know. Jeno hadn’t cancelled on them, either, so he wasn’t sure where Jeno was at all right now. New York was a big city with millions of people, the guy could be anywhere. 

Before Mark could start stressing about it, though, Renjun’s phone rang. It was loud in the quiet of the library and Mark felt embarrassment creep up his shoulders. Renjun cursed under his breath, scrambling to take his headphones out and to answer the phone call. 

“Renjun?” Mark eyed Donghyuck, who looked just as worried and confused as Mark, before turning back to Renjun. Mark had no idea what was being said on the other side of the line or who it was, but he wished to know. 

“You dumbass.” Mark raised an eyebrow. This was either Jaemin, Ten or Jeno. Renjun wouldn’t call either Doyoung or Kun a dumbass, Mark guessed, so they were left with three people. Mark checked the time on his own phone and sighed. Jaemin was supposed to be auditioning right now, so he hoped it wasn’t him. 

“You want me to--your apartment?” Renjun asked into the phone, standing up with his backpack. He shoved his books inside with one hand before closing the bag up again, eyes now on Mark and Donghyuck. 

“Yeah--I’ll be there as soon as I can.” Mark watched Renjun hang up the phone before shoving it into his back pocket. Renjun threw on his jacket, turning back to Mark when he was done. 

“That was Jeno. I’m going to his place.” 

Donghyuck gasped. “Text me about it!” 

Mark could feel a smile growing on his face. Of course. Of course Jeno had gone home and prepared something. You don’t get to ask the person you have been crushing on for years out every single day. The fucker had probably gone out to buy balloons, flowers and perhaps even pastries. Renjun liked his pastries. 

“I will!” Renjun was out of the library with a flash but not before shooting both Donghyuck and Mark a wide smile. Mark dropped his pen on the table and sighed. 

“Fucking finally.” 

Mark chuckled, shaking his head. “You’re right about that, Hyuck. You’re right about that.” 

It wasn’t until later that night did Mark finally get a text from Renjun with a picture of a heart on the floor of Jeno’s apartment. Mark had sat on his bed smiling at his phone like the fool he was before replying with a ‘fucking finally’. No more nights of nursing a drunk Renjun back to bed or having to listen to Jeno ramble on and on about the boy. 

Relief washed over Mark as he texted Renjun back rapidly, putting enthusiasm into every word instead of the slight exasperation he felt at the fact that they finally got their shit together. 

After Renjun had replied to him, Mark dumped his phone on his bed. He stood there in his bedroom for a second, letting the knowledge sink in, before dread filled his chest and made his throat feel too tight. 

Jeno and Renjun were going to be all lovey-dovey now, which they deserved, but Mark was always going to be the fifth wheel from now on. Everyone had someone, except for him. He was always going to be the odd one out, the one without a board game partner or the one walking alone down the street. 

He had always been the person to walk behind two of his friends so as to not piss off any other pedestrians, but the fact that Mark was going to be that guy forever now made his chest hurt. It was a stupid thing to be worried about, Mark knew that, but it sure didn’t feel that way. 

He was always going to be the one slightly out of place and while that thought had been with Mark for a while, this solidified it. And it was terrifying. 

Mark took a deep breath, his lungs begging for air, and he dropped his head in his hands. He wanted to go out and run, but he had nowhere to go. It was past nine and Donghyuck would for sure ask questions, especially after such good news had hit their group chat, so Mark stayed put. 

He sat down on the edge of his bed and watched his phone light up with message after message, the brightness of his screen one of the only light sources in his room. Mark didn’t look away and instead read all of them from how they kept popping up on his lockscreen. Everyone was ecstatic, over the moon, and Mark was too. Of course he was.

He had seen and heard both of his friends talk about each other for _years_ now, and had continuously hoped they would finally get together. And now that they were, Mark felt nothing but dread. 

Just as the guilt was about to eat him up from the inside out, another notification popped up that made Mark’s heart jump in his chest and his stomach do a summersault. 

**From: Johnny?**

_Hey_

_I was wondering_

_Would u want to grab coffee sometime?_

Mark snorted. He could feel laughter bubbling up in his chest, his gaze moving from his phone to the necklace on his wall. Of course Johnny would text him something like that just when Mark was having a slight nervous breakdown over the fact that he was the only single person left in their friend group. 

Johnny didn’t count, despite that he had gotten along so well with everybody, and so Mark truly was the only one left. 

Mark felt extremely dumb as he held his phone and kept his eyes on the necklace that once hung around the neck of his ex-boyfriend. It had been a year and a half since he had seen Daniel, and yet the things they had done still haunted Mark. 

Mark knew, deep down, that it was time to move on. That he should just take the leap--as Jaemin would say--and see where things went with Johnny. 

Mark closed his eyes and groaned. 

**To: Johnny?**

_Uh_

_Yeah sure_

_Id like that_

_Im ordering tea tho_

Mark snorted at himself and wanted to curse at himself at the same time. He had remembered telling Johnny that he didn’t like coffee, and he wondered whether that would be something Johnny would bring up while they were sharing coffee. And tea. 

Mark had only heard Johnny laugh a handful of times but he hoped he made Johnny laugh once more. Or perhaps he thought Mark was being dumb. 

**From: Johnny?**

_Haha that’s alright with me_

_When do u have time?_

Mark turned his head to eye his weekplanner stuck to his bedroom door. He had lectures till one, and the rest of his day was blissfully empty. 

**To: Johnny?**

_Haha good_

_Or maybe hot choco_

_Im off at one, wbu?_

**From: Johnny?**

_Oof hot choco_

_The good stuff_

_Oh we could do lunch then!_

Mark wanted to scream. Of course Johnny would offer to go for lunch instead. That sounded more like a date than just having coffee together. Mark had coffee with his friends all the time. He had lunch with his friends all the time too, though, so Mark guessed that argument was out the window. 

**To: Johnny?**

_The amazing stuff_

_Ah true! What time and where?_

Mark wondered whether he would survive tomorrow. Having lunch was easy enough, but having lunch with Johnny was a whole other story. Mark had no idea what they could talk about. Perhaps he could ask Johnny about his major? About his life in Chicago? If he just told stories about that, Mark could just listen the entire time. 

With that in mind, Mark replied ‘ok’ to the text saying when Johnny would be at the dorm to pick him up. 

Just when Mark’s head hit the pillow, he realized that Donghyuck was going to be home at that time. That he was going to _see_ Johnny show up at their dorm, perhaps even open the front door for him, and he was going to ask questions. More so, he was going to tell his friends. 

So, to avoid all of that, Mark leapt out of bed and rushed into the living room where he knew both Jaemin and Donghyuck were sitting. Mark barged into the room, startling Donghyuck who had been extremely focused on the screen, and Jaemin who had been focused on Donghyuck. 

“Mark?” 

“Johnny is coming to pick me up tomorrow. We’re having lunch. Thought you wanted to know.” Mark exclaimed, surprising even himself. The smallest sliver of excitement settled in his lower stomach and it was an odd feeling, but Mark was riding on it. 

And on the loud gasp that Jaemin let out, and the screech that Donghyuck let escape. “He’s what now?” 

“He’s picking me up for lunch tomorrow.” 

“Mark! What the actual _fuck_? You can’t just--Jesus Christ!” Donghyuck exclaimed, leaping off of the couch and out of Jaemin’s embrace. Mark bit his lip, trying to keep his laughter to himself, for Jaemin looked weird as hell with his arm still suspended in the air. 

“We need to clean!” Donghyuck yelled, waving his hands back and forth. Mark looked around the room and cringed, noting the rubbish that was laying around, but he shook his head. 

“He’s not coming inside. He’s just picking me up.” 

Donghyuck stopped his movements and looked at Mark. “Is it a date?” 

“I-”

“Is it a date, Mark?!” Jaemin yelled, clearly shaken out of whatever thoughts he had been lost in a few moments before, and Mark jumped. 

He shrugged. “I don’t know! He asked me for coffee first! But then it turned into lunch!” 

“Oh my god it’s a date! Mark has a date!! Everyone needs to know!” 

Mark froze at that. The group chat was probably still exploding with the news of Jeno and Renjun, and Mark didn’t want to ruin that. Those two deserved that. 

“No! Let Jeno and Renjun have their night.” 

Jaemin chuckled, raising an eyebrow. “They’re not getting married, Mark.” 

Mark shrugged. “I just--don’t tell anyone else, alright? I figured you guys would figure it out either way so I told you guys.” 

Donghyuck looked at Mark as if he had grown two heads, but he shrugged. “You’re right, we would have figured it out. But alright, we won’t say anything. Just know that Ten will have your head if he finds out we knew before he did.” 

Mark couldn’t help but feel like he was suddenly part of a Friends episode. He was Monica and Jaemin and Donghyuck were Joey and Rachel. It made him snort, but he nodded at Donghyuck. 

“I’ll take that responsibility.” 

Mark shook his head in the mirror of the bathroom, trying to make his hair look at least half decent. It had gotten windier and his hair looked as if Mark had slept for seven weeks straight without combing it once. He sighed, carding his hand through his hair once more before giving up. 

He looked as presentable as he could while still looking like he hadn’t put too much effort into it. He had changed out of the NYU hoodie he wore to class and was now wearing a baby pink one with blue ripped skinny jeans. It was the most stylish Mark had looked in months and while he wondered why he didn’t dress up like this more often, he reasoned that there was no time for dress up at seven in the morning right before a lecture. 

Mark closed the Spotify app on his phone, effectively cutting off Taylor Swift’ sentence. The bathroom was suddenly very quiet, the only noise cutting through the walls and the door being Donghyuck’s music. Mark smiled in the mirror once more before opening the door and stepping out into the hallway. 

Johnny was going to be here any second now and Mark couldn’t help but feel the nerves going absolutely haywire in his stomach. Johnny hadn’t specified it was a date, so Mark really shouldn’t be thinking that it was, but here he was. His body had already convinced him it was a date. 

Mark hoped Johnny wouldn’t think he was weird. Mark could be weird, too quiet sometimes, and it was the thing that people in high school held against him. He hadn’t had many friends. People knew him, sure, and he always had someone to sit with during lunch, but no one that really knew him. 

Mark knew that other people used to talk behind his back during high school. He knew that people had always found him quite odd, even though he was a soccer player and he was part of the ‘popular’ crowd. In movies, the popular crowd meant bitch fights but having a group of friends. Mark had a faux group of friends that couldn’t care less about him but pretended they were all close knit friends to keep up appearances. 

It wasn’t Mark’s proudest memory, but if he hadn’t played along he would have been alone for all four years of high school. Perhaps even the three middle school years as well. 

Mark hoped Johnny wouldn’t see those things in him, that he wouldn’t think Mark was too quiet or too much. Because while Mark could be quiet, he also had his moments where he became _loud_ , where he was the life of the party and the person who carried the conversation. Those moments were rare and happened far and in between, but they were there. 

Mark sighed to himself. He patted his pockets to make sure he had his wallet, keys and phone. There wasn't much he could do to keep himself occupied for the next minute or so, so Mark opened his phone. 

It was quiet, only a handful of notifications, and Mark smiled. He had worked through all of them right after class, to distract himself and prevent himself from getting ready far too early, and his phone looked fresh and new. The only notifications he did have were from their group chat, which Mark opened and read with a smile. 

The novelty of Renjun and Jeno finally being together still hadn’t worn off. Mark knew it had only been a day, but it was funny to see them sending pictures of the two of them together still. Ten had declared he needed to do a photoshoot for them in Central Park sometime, and Kun had immediately made it a day trip. 

It was cute and yet another thing for Mark to look forward to, so he didn’t mind. Just as he was about to reply to one of Doyoung’s texts, he heard a knock on the door. 

Mark almost dropped his phone then and there, gaze moving from where he had been eyeing his screen to the door, and he swallowed. 

“Mark?” Johnny’s voice came from the hallway, muffled by the door and the walls, but it still made Mark’s inside turn to mush. Mark closed his eyes and took a deep breath, hoping to calm himself down even a little bit, before taking a step forward toward the door. 

“I’m here!” He replied, hoping Johnny could hear him. He once again checked his pockets, eyed himself in the mirror beside the door and rolled his eyes before opening the door, revealing Johnny standing in the hallway. 

The hallway carpets were run down by the hundreds of feet walking all over it day after day, and yet Johnny made the hallway look classy. He was wearing a long coat, black skinny jeans with a rip at the knee and he looked _beautiful._

Mark felt like a little kid almost immediately. He was wearing a hoodie, for crying out loud. What was he, fourteen? 

“Hi.” He greeted, his voice sounding a little breathless. Johnny just eyed him for a second before smiling, bowing his head down slightly into what Mark assumed to be a nod of greeting. 

“Hey. Ready for lunch?” 

Mark nodded before stepping out of the dorm and closing the door behind him. Suddenly, the hallway was too quiet. It was almost as if they were alone in the building while Mark knew fully well that there were dozens of students on this floor alone. When he made eye contact with Johnny, he wondered whether or not the older felt the same. 

“Where are we going?” He then asked, making to walk down the hall. Johnny followed him, falling into step next to Mark easily. Their shoulders brushed together and the touch made Mark shiver, but he didn’t listen to his first instinct to pull back. He had come this far, he wouldn’t scare Johnny off now. 

“Doyoung told me about a good Italian place. You up for that?” Johnny asked, moving forward to open the door toward the staircase. Mark flushed right down to his toes, realizing that Johnny was holding the door open for him, and rushed to walk through. 

“Yeah sure.” 

“Awesome. It won’t be as good as Chicago pizza, of course, but I reckon it’ll do.” 

Mark couldn’t help but chuckle. “I’ve been there a couple times.” 

Johnny looked at him while walking down the steps, and Mark’s heart skipped a beat every time Johnny set his foot down on the next step. “Where?”

“Chicago!” Mark answered, following Johnny outside. The cold air hit Mark right in the face and he realized that he had, yet again, not grabbed a jacket. 

Johnny smiled at him. “Really? What did you think?” 

Mark shrugged. “It was pretty cool, actually. I liked it. The Bean is kind of overrated, though.” 

Johnny let out a chuckle, nodding his head. “Yeah, well, it’s just a big ball of metal at the end of the day.” 

Mark nodded in agreement. They made their way down the block and across the streets, walking down the sidewalk shoulder to shoulder. Mark had to strangely fight the urge to take hold of Johnny’s hand, but he managed. The conversation between them was pleasant, carrying through the cold wind of the upcoming fall and making Mark feel like something was right in the word. 

The Italian place ended up being a place Mark had ordered from before. Their pizza was good, so he decided upon that. Before he could worry that what he had ordered was too plain or weird, Johnny told the waiter he would have the same but with a coke instead of a fanta. 

“So, what made you come to New York?” Mark froze with his glass to his lips, his eyes widening for a second before he blinked, hoping Johnny hadn’t noticed his slight panic. He felt his chest tighten, his muscles pulling tight, and Mark willed it down. 

“Uh--well, NYU is a good school. And I was getting kind of sick of Los Angeles.” It wasn’t a complete lie and Mark eyed Johnny, hoping the older hadn’t picked up on the fact that part of it was a lie. NYU was a good school, sure, but you could study History anywhere if you wanted to. 

Mark had picked his major haphazardly, too, and switching felt like a failure. So, he had stuck to his major despite the fact that he wasn’t sure whether he would want to even use it later on in life. 

“That’s fair. Los Angeles sounds stressful as fuck.” Johnny eyed Mark as if he knew Mark wasn’t telling the whole story, as if he could read it on his face, and Mark swallowed down his fanta with a shiver down his back. 

Ten had a look that felt like he was looking right through Mark. It had become something Mark was well acquainted with at this point. But, Johnny’s look was different. As if he was looking right through you but also inside of you, reading everything that Mark was thinking about. 

“You could say that.” 

Johnny laughed before shaking his head. He took a bite of his pizza, and Mark did the same. It wasn’t the best pizza he had ever had, pizza in an Italian restaurant in Italy could never be beat, but it was good and Mark found himself hungrier than he thought he would be. 

“What about you? Why New York?” 

Johnny swallowed his food with a smile before taking a sip of his drink. “Well, I studied Psychology in Chicago and Berkeley has one of the best business programs.” 

Mark raised an eyebrow. “Why business if you studied Psychology?” 

Johnny chuckled. “Business management, actually. And, because I would love to start my own practice someday.”

Mark fell quiet. He honestly wasn’t sure what to say to that, at all. Johnny looked like he had his life figured out from point A to B. If Mark had to take a wild guess, he would say that Johnny probably wanted children and a house with a white picket fence. 

Mark swallowed, though, taking another slice of pizza in hand before opening his mouth. “That sounds cool, man. I could never.” 

It’s the dumbest response Mark had ever given someone in his life, but he couldn’t exactly take it back now. So, he took a bite of his pizza and let Johnny figure out whether or not to walk out on Mark right now or to wait until they were back to Mark’s dorm and deliver the blow there. 

Johnny snorted, though, taking Mark by surprise. “It is pretty cool, yeah. I’ve always wanted to help people, you know? And my dad has his own garage, so I know a little bit about what it takes to run a business.” 

Mark hummed. “Humans and cars are two entirely different things, though.”

He laughed at his own joke and he could hear Johnny laugh, too. “I didn’t know that! I knew I was missing something.” 

Mark laughed again, and it felt good. It felt nice to laugh with Johnny, like there was nothing bad in the world or nothing that could hurt him, and it made Mark’s head spin. 

“But yeah. So why History?” 

Mark shrugged. He could evade the question and come up with some bullshit answer, but Mark knew that Johnny would see right through that if he wanted to. He took a sip of his drink before opening his mouth. “Honestly? I liked history in high school. That’s it. That’s the entire reason. My history teacher was a nice big black dude and he’s the only man who can make the most boring stories interesting. Other than that? No idea.” 

Johnny chuckled. “That’s so valid, Mark. You’re nineteen.” 

Mark nodded and laughed along, but he knew that while it was valid, he needed to figure it out one day. Figure out what he wanted to do. 

He used to love writing when he was a kid, and would spend hours scribbling down the weirdest of stories on a piece of paper in his room instead of doing his maths homework in middle school, but he hadn’t done that in years. He wasn’t good enough to play soccer and there was _no way_ Mark would follow in his father’s footsteps. 

“Yeah, I’ll figure it out one day.” Mark said, taking a bite of his pizza. He was glad he had worn his contacts today, for the smoke coming off of the pizza would have fogged up his glasses, but it also made for his usual scrunch of his nose to look stupid. He scratched his nose, hoping to hide it. 

“Yeah you will. I’m sure of it.” 

It shocked Mark how much faith Johnny’s voice had in him. It warmed his chest, making his blood sing, and it was gratifying to know that at least someone believed in him, even though it was a person Mark had met a week ago. 

Johnny’s smile made Mark’s stomach do funny things and while they continued their lunch, more comforting conversation continued between the two of them. 

When they made their way back to the campus, Mark realised the nerves he had felt prior to Johnny showing up at his doorstep had completely gone. It was as if he was having lunch with someone he had known for ages, not for barely a week. And it was nice, for Mark hadn’t had that connection with a lot of people. 

Ten had weaseled into Mark’s life with ease, but for the most part it took a few weeks for Mark to start to feel comfortable around someone. He still wasn’t one hundred percent comfortable around Jaehyun, for example, and while Mark wanted to be close to everyone he knew, it always felt like something held him back. 

But with Johnny, Mark didn’t mind sharing as much. Not his entire life story, sure, but he wasn’t as hesitant to talk small talk. The small talk didn’t feel awkward either, which was just terrific because Mark sucked at it. 

And Jeno had been right. Johnny managed to make conversation happen out of thin air, a skill Mark wished he had. Although, Johnny via text was still as awkward as Mark was. 

“You alright?” 

Mark turned his head to the side to eye Johnny. He nodded quickly, scrunching his nose. His teeth found his bottom lip when Johnny nodded back at him, and Mark turned back to look at the street. 

“Why?” Mark asked after the light turned green, the two of them walking across the street. Mark always rushed across the street, hoping to not inconvenience the drivers in their cars, but Johnny walked normally, as if there weren’t a dozen cars waiting for their light to turn green.

“Nothing, you just look kind of tired.” 

Mark sighed but nodded. He supposed the concealer he was wearing couldn’t hide everything. “Didn’t sleep that well last night.” 

It was true. Mark had been up for a while after his very sudden and weird outburst to Donghyuck and Jaemin, not able to fall asleep. Not even his usual ASMR videos had helped him fall asleep and by the time Mark did manage to fall asleep it was around four am. 

“Maybe some calming music next time?” Johnny suggested, moving out of the way for a woman in a hurry. Mark smiled at the gesture, nodding. It was refreshing to have someone suggest options to help him instead of just worrying for him. Instead of worrying, Johnny suggested a way to maybe help, or to fix it, and for a second Mark thought he wasn’t being a burden. 

“I listen to ASMR and such.” 

Johnny’s eyes lit up. “Really?! I’ve heard that’s a pretty good way to calm you down. I’ve always been curious.” 

Mark snickered, nodding. “It’s very relaxing. I don’t get the tingles people speak of, but it’s nice to listen to when you want to fall asleep.” 

By the time they reached Mark’s dorm room, Johnny had asked Mark about what type of ASMR videos made him fall asleep or calm down faster than others and had seemed genuinely interested. Mark felt like he was walking on a cloud. 

But, when Mark opened the door to his dorm room and was just about to invite Johnny in for maybe a cup of coffee, he heard voices in the living room. 

“Mark? Is that you?” Donghyuck’s voice came, echoing down the hallway. Mark sighed. 

“Yeah, who else has the key?” 

“I do!” Came Jaemin’s voice, making Johnny snort behind Mark. Mark turned his head and shrugged at Johnny, hoping to convey to him that he also had no idea was going on. He took a step back, eyeing the older. 

“Would you want to come in?” 

Mark was surprised at the lack of nerves in his voice. Johnny nodded at him, taking a step inside. Mark followed after him and walked past Johnny, making his way into the living room. 

When he walked out of the small corridor though, his shoes toed off and his keys on the small table they kept by the door, and into the living room, Mark froze. 

Jeno and Renjun were seated on the ground, bundled up together, while Jaemin and Donghyuck had taken over the couch. On the small other love seat they had, Lucas sat with wide eyes next to a boy Mark had never seen before. 

“Uh hi, Mark.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed!! i love love love this story so much ;;
> 
> comments and kudos are always appreciated ;; i love reading them!!   
> u can also find me on twitter if u want 
> 
> [TBI playlist](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/78Rys8dsKiAkXAM5OTarIe?si=UoGrOGmaTcKgPyLcfp78ow)
> 
> [feel free to say hello on twitter!](https://twitter.com/softyjseo)  
> [or leave a message in my cc!](https://curiouscat.me/softyjseo)


	7. Found

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's talk of a kiss without consent, just wanted to warn u
> 
> also hello thank u for the amount of love this story has received so far. I read and appreciate every comment I get and it warms my heart and soul. Thank u so much for all the love.   
> i hope you enjoy <3

Mark couldn’t move, _found_ himself standing rigid in the living room as if he was being held back by an invisible force. He didn’t quite care that his friends were looking at him as if he had gone insane, nor did he remember that Johnny was standing right beside him. 

All Mark could think about, really, was Lucas’ lips against his and the feeling of someone else’s arms wrapped around him. Feelings he didn’t want to feel, touches he so desperately wanted to forget. 

“Mark?” 

Mark didn’t move. He stood there, silent, as his friends, Lucas and the boy Mark had never seen before stared at him. He felt Johnny behind him, somewhere, and he swallowed. Act normal, he needed to act normal. He needed to say hi to Lucas, take Johnny to his room and forget about all of this. 

“Yo, Mark?” Mark shook his head, hoping his friends would buy it as confusion of some sort. Mark had never seen Lucas in his apartment, after all. Perhaps they would say that was why Mark behaved like this. That was what he could tell Johnny, at least. 

“Yeah, sorry. Hi Lucas.” Mark really wanted Ten to be here. He wanted Ten to be here because Ten would have spoken up, wouldn’t even have allowed Lucas into what Mark had designed as his safe space, his space to hide from the world. But Ten wasn’t here and Mark felt dread rise in his throat, felt the feeling creep up the back of his neck, for he had to do this alone. 

Lucas waved with a smile. Mark tried to smile back, hoping it was convincing enough, and turned his gaze away from him to look at the boy he didn’t know instead. “And this is?” 

The boy waved too, as if he had made himself comfortable in the space Mark felt truly comfortable, and it stung. “Sicheng, nice to meet you.” 

Mark nodded his head, feeling his body start to move onto autopilot. He wished he could turn around and walk right out of the door, but Johnny was still standing there and his friends were still looking at him. Mark had nowhere to go and he felt terribly exposed. 

“Nice to meet you too.” Mark managed to say, keeping his voice steady to his own surprise. “This is Johnny.” 

Mark took a step to the side, hoping Johnny would step forward. Mark watched Johnny do exactly that and offer everyone a smile. Renjun, Jeno, Donghyuck and Jaemin already knew him, of course, but Mark really needed the attention to be off of him and to his greatest surprise and relief, Johnny somehow understood. 

“Nice to meet you both.” He said, turning to the two on the couch he didn’t know yet. Mark knew he was going to get questions after this. From both his friends and Johnny. Donghyuck was going to corner him later, ask Mark why he suddenly froze because of Lucas being in their dorm, and he wasn’t looking forward to it. 

“Mark and I were just here to pick something up before heading to my place.” Mark’s eyes widened. He moved his gaze from where he had been staring at his toes to Johnny’s face, who nodded to the side where the doors to Donghyuck and Mark’s rooms were. Mark nodded hastily before rushing to open his bedroom door and closing it behind him. 

He sighed. Johnny was an angel. An angel sent from above that Mark didn’t deserve. Mark’s mind blanked as he stood in his room, wondering what he could possibly take with him that would be convincing enough. That wouldn’t have his friends questioning whether he really needed to pick that up. Then again, Johnny had sounded extremely convincing. Mark doubted they would second-guess Johnny.

He wouldn’t. 

Mark sighed, rubbing at his eyes. He was glad that there were no tears this time, that Lucas hadn’t had that effect on him, but he still found his chest feeling heavy. It was just a kiss, Mark knew this, but for some reason he felt dirty just thinking about it. Lucas had been drunk off his arse, feeling slightly heart-broken and Mark--well, Mark had been feeling all sorts of odd that day. 

Not that day in particular, but Mark shrugged that thought off for a later time. He looked around his room, trying desperately to come up with something. He could shove his guitar in its case, but Johnny had told all of them he had a guitar at his place, that he played sometimes, so that wouldn’t be convincing enough. 

Mark’s eyes widened as his eyes fell on his laptop. Nobody would question why Mark would want to get his laptop, right? It would be convincing enough. 

Before Mark could talk himself out of it, he took the laptop from his desk and shoved it into his backpack. He rushed toward the door, opening it and nearly bumping into Johnny. 

“Got it!” Mark said, his voice strangely high. He wanted to curse at himself, but before he could even do so much as frown, Johnny nodded and smiled. 

“Pleasure to meet you, Lucas and Sicheng! I’ll see you guys!” Johnny took hold of Mark’s hand before Mark could move his hand away, and tugged Mark back into the hallway toward the front door. 

“Bye guys!” He yelled, knowing this was going to be the only topic his friends would talk about for the next two weeks. Mark shrugged that off, though, for the feeling of Johnny’s hand wrapped around his was something that could take his mind off of anything. 

Johnny’s hand was warm, his skin soft, and Mark never wanted to let go. He wanted to keep holding on, and Johnny didn’t seem to mind. They found their way back outside while holding hands still, and Mark felt like he was floating. 

“What was that all about?” Mark was reminded of the feeling of falling in a dream, that feeling of your body tingling all over, of your stomach rising up to your chest and your heart speeding up. Mark hated that feeling, hated the helplessness of it all. 

“Nothing.” Mark tried, keeping his eyes focused on the block ahead of them. He had no idea where they were going, for he didn’t know Johnny’s address, but Johnny seemed just fine with where they were going. They stopped for a street light, next to a little girl and her father, and the girl waved at Mark. Mark waved back with his unoccupied hand, hoping his smile was convincing enough for such a little girl. 

Mark missed being that age. He missed holding onto his mother’s hand, convinced that she could do no wrong. He missed running down the street with Jongin, not worried about dirtying their clothes because they would always have another outfit at the ready. His father sat in his chair, listening to radio programmes from all over the world. His mother hosting dinner parties and giving Mark chicken nuggets instead of fancy food. When things were easier, much simpler, and Mark didn’t have to worry about the memories of screaming in his head and the way he couldn’t act normally around someone who had kissed him without consent _once_. 

“That was not nothing, Mark.” 

Johnny didn’t sound angry at the fact that Mark was trying to mask his feelings, trying to hide whatever Johnny thought had just happened, and Mark felt a little relief move some of his tension out of the way. The street light turned green and they started walking again, the little girl skipping ahead of her father and giggling. 

“Lucas surprised you.” 

Mark hummed, trying to act nonchalant. “It’s the first time he’s been in our dorm, that’s all.” 

Johnny sighed. “It’s okay if you don’t want to tell me. We haven’t known each other that long. But you looked almost scared, Mark.” 

Mark bit his lip, hard, and clenched his hand around his backpack strap. He wanted to tell Johnny, sure, but it would be a burden. Mark would be a burden. And after the nice lunch date they just had, Mark didn’t want to be that. He didn’t want to ruin it by telling his stories, for he knew they weren’t the most entertaining ones, and he most definitely didn’t want to scare Johnny away. 

“It’s--He--”

Johnny stopped them, tugging on Mark’s hand so that they were no longer standing in the middle of the sidewalk. Mark closed his eyes, taking a deep breath like Ten had told him to during an exam once, and he felt a little calmer as he opened his eyes again. Johnny wasn’t looking at him with pity. Instead, his eyes were filled with something Mark could only recognize as sympathy and it made him want to cry. 

“It’s okay Mark, take your time.” 

They were standing on the slightly damp streets of New York, a couple blocks down from Mark’s dorm room and people were rushing about all around them. And yet, Johnny told Mark to take his time. And Mark believed it. He believed he could take his time, that Johnny wouldn’t care about catching his train or rushing forward like everyone seemed to be in this damn city. 

“He--fuck--he kissed me. He kissed me _weeks_ ago and I--I just--” 

“He kissed you?” Johnny didn’t sound judgemental. Instead, he sounded pained, as if something like kissing shouldn’t bring Mark this amount of stress. Mark wanted to laugh. 

Mark nodded, instead, heaving a sigh. “He came to our game night with Renjun before Jeno and him got together. Renjun and Jeno ended up fucking--and-- _fuck_ \--I was given the job of making sure a very drunk Lucas got home safely. He kissed me before entering his dorm.” 

Johnny frowned. “He took advantage of you.” 

Mark’s eyes widened. That was not the case. Definitely not. If they were going to look at what happened from that angle, Mark was the one who took advantage. He shook his head. “No! No he didn’t--he was heart broken and I--i was just the closest comfort.” 

Johnny shook his head. “He took advantage of you. He knew you weren’t going to protest, even in his drunk mind.” 

Mark shook his head again. “Lucas is a nice guy, Johnny. He wouldn’t do that on purpose.” 

“That doesn’t matter, Mark. He kissed you without your consent.” 

“Which shouldn’t be that big of a deal, should it?” Mark asked, hoping he would get an answer that would confirm his thoughts. Confirm the fact that he was overreacting, even if he didn’t do it on purpose. 

Johnny closed his eyes. For a second, Mark feared he had overstepped a line, had annoyed Johnny somehow, but by the way Johnny still held onto Mark’s hands Mark realized that he had most likely done nothing wrong. Something fluttered in Mark’s chest. 

“Everybody reacts to that differently. From what I’ve gathered, you’re a sensitive person--which isn’t a bad thing, don’t let others tell you that--and your reaction is valid either way.” Johnny spoke up, pulling Mark back into the flowing river of the sidewalks filled with pedestrians. 

Mark bit his lip to prevent himself from gasping, to keep his mind at bay. It was comforting, somehow, to have Johnny say that he wasn’t overreacting, that his reaction was valid. Mark couldn’t quite believe it, still, but it was nice to hear anyway. 

“My friends don’t know.” Mark confessed, swinging the hand Johnny had been holding back and forth. Johnny hummed. 

“I figured.” 

“Thanks for getting me out of there.” Mark said, squeezing Johnny’s hand. Johnny chuckled and Mark felt him squeeze back, his heart leaping in his chest. The afternoon had felt like a freefall on a rollercoaster, something Mark hadn’t been on since he was sixteen or so, but it had been nice nonetheless. 

“Of course. You looked like a lost puppy.” Johnny said, the smile on his face making Mark feel warm and somehow feel like Johnny wasn’t making fun of him. Mark flushed when Johnny smiled back and gave him a wink. 

“We can’t go back.” Mark said after a few moments of silence, the two of them still walking down the street to god knows where. Johnny hummed once more, making Mark turn his head to look at him. 

“I was thinking we could go and grab another cup of hot chocolate somewhere.” Mark felt his heart sink slightly at the knowledge that he wasn’t going to see Johnny’s place just yet, but he would settle for another cup of hot chocolate and talking to Johnny for the next few hours. 

“Sounds good to me.” 

“ _Mark Lee,_ ” Mark had half the mind to put down his mug of tea on the counter top, knowing full well that this was going to either be a _long_ conversation or Ten was going to hang up in a second and march his way over to Mark’s dorm. 

Donghyuck had a lecture to attend and none of his friends had decided that their dorm was the place to be today, so Mark had been blissfully alone for the past few hours. He should have seen Ten’s call coming, though. 

“Te--” 

“ _I heard from a little birdie that you went out with Johnny yesterday?”_ Mark sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. He knew this was coming, and he didn’t mind. Ten deserved to know, after all, but it was odd to talk about it. It felt weird, not knowing what Johnny had made of their date--dates? Mark wasn’t sure-- while Mark couldn’t help but think they were dates. 

“Let me guess, said birdie was Donghyuck?” 

“ _The bird doesn’t matter. What matters is that you didn’t tell me._ ” Ten said, his voice louder than normal. Mark held his phone away from his ear for a bit, not wanting to go deaf, but he couldn’t help but smile. 

Getting a second cup of hot chocolate with Johnny had been nice. They had talked about Lucas a bit more but when Mark wanted to change the topic, Johnny went along with it and changed it to stories from his time in college in Chicago. It was funny to hear about Johnny going to loud parties and showing up to class hungover, especially if Mark compared it to the Johnny he knew now. 

“I’m sorry, Tennie. I just--I didn’t want everyone to know just yet.” 

Ten sighed and Mark knew that he was shaking his head, that Ten was either halfway to the front door to come and see Mark or sitting down and shaking his head like a mad man. Mark was lucky Kun seemed to be at work. 

“ _When were you going to tell me?_ ” 

Mark frowned. He could sense something in Ten’s voice, something he recognized from when Ten had his bad days, and he wanted to curse himself. He knew Ten liked to be involved in things, liked to feel like he was wanted, and perhaps Mark should have thought about this a little better than he had. 

“I was going to tell you today, actually.” That was a lie, but Mark hoped Ten wouldn’t notice through the phone. He was glad that Ten wasn’t standing right in front of him, for Mark sucked at lying to someone face to face, unlike what he had felt yesterday. 

He had dreamed of Lucas, and Daniel. Johnny had texted him this morning, asking how his sleep had been, and while Mark hated it that Johnny was worried for him, he appreciated the thought to no end. It made it a little easier to have someone know about it.

“ _You better._ _Tell me the details._ ” 

Mark rolled his eyes and took a sip of his tea. His glasses fogged up a little and he sighed, taking his mug and walking back to his bedroom. “We went to this Italian place and talked--a lot. It was nice, Tennie.” 

Mark could hear some shuffling in the background, most likely from Ten moving around the apartment, and he snorted before he sat down himself. He had Beauty and the Beast on his laptop while he had an assignment open on his computer, something he had been trying to work on for the past hour or so, but it wasn’t really working. 

Mark was kind of dreading the moment where Donghyuck would get home and ask questions about yesterday. Mark had stayed in bed while Donghyuck got ready for his lectures this morning, and so they hadn’t spoken. Mark had ignored the few texts his friends had sent in the groupchat, one of them mentioning Lucas and the other boy Sicheng while the rest of them were more mundane things. 

“ _I’m glad, Mark. In all seriousness, you deserve it._ ” 

Mark bit his lip. His head was still a bit muddled from yesterday, from Johnny’s words and Lucas suddenly showing up, and emotions were far too close to the surface. He hadn’t felt this comfortable, romantically--even if he still wasn’t sure about Johnny’s intentions--ever since Daniel, and it was terrifying on all fronts. 

“Thank you, Ten.” 

“ _Are you alright_?” Ten then asked, making Mark stop his movement of raising his mug to his mouth. Had someone told him? Did Donghyuck say anything about Lucas while playing post owl to Ten? 

Mark nodded before he could stop himself. “Tired, really. That’s all.” 

Ten snorted. Mark scrunched his nose and rubbed at one of his eyes, skewing his glasses ever so slightly. His eyes were a bit irritated from his contacts from yesterday, and nobody was home anyway. “ _Lucas was there yesterday. How did that go?_ ” 

Mark could feel a shiver run down his spine despite the fact that he was wearing one of his most comfortable hoodies, and he hated it. 

“Johnny got me out of there, quickly.” Mark confessed, knowing that would get Johnny a few points in Ten’s book. Mark heard more shuffling on Ten’s side before he could hear the rumble of a coffee machine turning on. He smiled to himself. Ten liked coffee, sure, but he didn’t like drinking it alone. Perhaps Kun was about to get home. 

“ _Are you going to tell the others what happened?_ ” Mark closed his eyes, leaning his head back while he held his phone to his ear. He had thought about that, too, and Mark guessed he had to, really. After his debacle yesterday, he really didn’t have a choice. 

“I suppose I have to, don’t I?” 

“ _Not if you’re not comfortable, Mark._ ” Ten countered, having probably guessed what Mark was thinking. 

Mark snickered. “It’s okay. I can just--tell them and things will be fine.” 

Mark had felt a little lighter, even if it was just a little bit, ever since Johnny had said that his reaction was valid, that he had a reason to be upset. Mark hadn’t allowed Johnny to go full psychology graduate on him during their second hot chocolate date, but it had been nice to know nonetheless. 

“ _Are you going to tell Lucas_?” 

Mark sighed. “I don’t know dude, I think Lucas has someone now.” 

Ten snorted. “ _So? He needs to know what he did and apologize_.” 

“He was drunk, Tennie.” Mark countered, hoping Ten would just drop the subject all together. 

“ _I don’t understand how you can be so okay with all of this, but alright. If you don’t want to tell him, I’ll support that decision._ ” Mark felt relief somewhere in his chest, right next to where the reminder of Johnny’s hand in his lay, and he smiled. 

“Thanks, dude. I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?” Ten hummed and wished Mark bye before Mark hung up, immediately pressing play on Beauty and the Beast and looking at his assignment. 

He tried really hard not to think of Daniel and of the necklace that was hanging on the wall just behind him, but after staring at the same three words for two minutes, Mark gave up. He closed the document and paused his movie before taking his tea and draining the mug. 

Before he could stand up and make himself another mug, though, Mark heard his phone go off yet again. He groaned, hoping it wasn’t Ten ready to press the issue even more, but was delighted when he saw Johnny’s name on the screen, instead. 

**From: Johnny :)**

_Hey_

_Just got out of my lecture!_

_It was boring asf_

Mark chuckled, shaking his head. 

**To: Johnny :)**

_Which one was it again_

_Hope you didn’t fall asleep_

Mark hoped he had cracked a smile on Johnny’s face. Johnny had told him about the time he fell asleep in one of his high school classes and his teacher had woken him up by smacking him with a booklet. 

**From: Johnny :)**

_Very funny Mark_

_I didn’t_

_Thank god_

_How’s your day off_

Mark sighed, turning around in his desk chair. According to his phone it was close to three and Donghyuck would get home soon. Mark tried not to think about it, tried not to wonder whether Donghyuck would be angry on his behalf or find him odd, and turned back to his messages with Johnny. 

**To: Johnny :)**

_Good, no booklet whacking then_

_Not too bad, am watching beauty and the beast while trying to write an assignment_

Mark put his phone down with a sigh, not expecting Johnny to reply anytime soon. He would most likely go into the subway, if Mark’s guess was correct, and so he made his way out of his bedroom and into the kitchen, where he flicked the kettle back on and leaned against the countertop. 

Perhaps he should give Jongin a call. He hadn’t called yesterday but Mark couldn’t blame him, for he was probably busy working on his own career and had his own life, but he also knew that Jongin liked to stay updated. Mark wasn’t sure whether he would tell Jongin about Johnny, though. 

Not like Johnny and him were anything, for that matter. Johnny hadn’t expressed whether he thought the lunch and coffee were dates, hadn’t been clear about what he wanted, and it left Mark feeling slightly clueless. He had no idea whether Johnny thought about it the same way as Mark did. 

Perhaps he didn’t want to talk to Mark ever again. After how Mark had spilled so much, had overshared quite a lot in his opinion, he couldn’t exactly blame Johnny. He may have studied this and wanted to open his own clinic, but Mark could understand Johnny not wanting any of it in his personal life. 

He could feel burning behind his eyes and Mark shook his head, willing those thoughts away. It hurt and while Mark knew pushing them away wasn’t going to solve anything, he really didn’t want to deal with them. Not right now. 

Mark turned around and poured himself another cup of tea. It reminded him of how his mother used to make it, how she would pour all four of them a mug before taking a seat at the dining table on Sunday, ready to listen to a summary of both Jongin and Mark’s week. Thinking back on it, Mark realized that it was to control their movements, to push them in the right direction if they were threading on the wrong path, but at the time it felt like his mother cared for them, not like she was being strategic. 

But she was, Mark learned later on, and it sucked. It still hurt to know that the only reason their parents had both Jongin and him was because of the public, of how some tabloids were saying that Mark’s mother should have a child. And that’s how Jongin came to be, and three years later, when the tabloids were saying that Jongin looked devastated as an only child, Mark came around. 

It’s something his mother had confessed to when Mark was forced to pack his bag and leave. Lucky for him he had chosen the last night of him living at home to come out, to tell his parents he could never love a woman like he could love a man. And it hurt, to hear his mother say such things about both his brother and him, but Mark had grown numb to it now. 

“Mark?” Mark was shaken out of his thoughts by Donghyuck’s voice echoing through their dorm, and he shook his head to get his eyes from blurry to clear. “Are you home?”

“Yeah! In the kitchen!” Mark answered, turning around to look at the kettle. It was long done, the water already growing tepid, and Mark sighed as he turned it on once more. Donghyuck wouldn’t know he had been standing here for god knows how long, everything was okay. 

“Dude! You know how we wanted Jeno and Renjun to get together? Well, they’re ins--are you alright?” Donghyuck stopped walking right in the doorway, one hand in the air as if he had been talking with his hands before noticing Mark standing in the kitchen for no reason. 

Mark nodded, trying to play it cool. “Yeah, of course. What were you saying?”

Donghyuck eyed him warily and for a second Mark got worried. Perhaps he had cried without noticing, and Donghyuck was staring at him because he had red eyes? 

“If you say so. Anyway--they’re insufferable now. They legit need to touch each other every waking second. I couldn’t eat lunch properly.” Mark had half the mind to not laugh at Donghyuck, but snort as if he found it funny. He had been witness to that with both Donghyuck and Jaemin and Kun and Ten. Mark was used to his friends being clingy with their significant others, it wasn’t new to him. 

“Welcome to my life, man.” Mark commented, making Donghyuck roll his eyes. 

“You’ve got Johnny now, don’t you?”

Mark’s eyes widened. The kettle switched off and Mark turned around, not wanting to let the water grow cold again. “Yesterday wasn’t even a date, Hyuck. I have no idea if I’ve ‘got’ him.”

Donghyuck shrugged. “I’m sure you have him, Markie. Especially with the way he got you out of here so quickly yesterday.” 

Mark stopped pouring the water and put the kettle back without saying anything. Donghyuck was going to bring up Lucas now, and ask why Mark had behaved the way he did. And Mark was still not ready for that. 

“Speaking of yesterday, what happened?”

“What do you mean?” Mark asked, hoping Donghyuck was just wondering how his lunch with Johnny had been. 

By the way Donghyuck raised one eyebrow and looked at Mark as if he was being an idiot, Mark guessed he wasn’t talking about lunch. “You froze when you saw Lucas. Did something happen between you two that I don’t know about?”

Mark sighed. He put the teabag in the water and leaned his hands against the counter, closing his eyes. “It’s nothing, Hyuckie.”

“Clearly it’s something! You _froze_ Mark. Ten wouldn’t tell me what it was about, either!” Donghyuck said, putting his backpack on one of the counters. Mark swallowed the tears that threatened to crawl up his throat, and shook his head. He was grateful that Ten had kept his mouth shut, although he could have used a warning. 

“Lucas kissed me after I dropped him off at his dorm after game night.” Mark said the words quickly, his voice soft, and as the silence stretched on, he wondered if Donghyuck had even heard him at all. 

“He was drunk. Did he--”

“He just did it. I couldn’t push him off.” Mark whispered, the memory of the same tired, helplessness feeling he had felt so often before rushing back to him and making his throat itch. 

“Mark--you--fuck Mark! You should’ve told us!” Donghyuck yelled and Mark flinched. 

“It’s not that big of a deal, Hyuck.”

“It doesn’t sound like this is the first time this happened to you.” Donghyuck said, making Mark freeze from where he had been trying to take a sip of his tea. It was still scalding hot, but perhaps the burn from the tea could erase the burn from the threatening tears. 

“We met Lucas for the first time that night.” Mark countered, a bit confused. 

“I didn’t mean with Lucas, Mark.”

Mark wanted to scream. He hadn’t told anyone about Daniel, hadn’t even told Jongin, so how did Donghyuck find out? 

Before Mark could say anything, though, debunk what Donghyuck was thinking, the other shook his head at him. “And perhaps that isn’t the case, but you should have told us. I’m going to have a talk with him about this.”

Mark shook his head, putting his mug down on the counter. “He doesn’t remember, Hyuck. Please don’t make him remember. He’ll feel guilty.”

Donghyuck eyed Mark as if he had grown a second head. “So? You just want to let this pass? He took advantage of you!”

Mark nearly smiled at how similar Donghyuck sounded to Johnny from yesterday. His thoughts travelled to his phone in his bedroom for a second, where he almost knew for sure that there was a message waiting for him, but he didn’t. Instead, he turned to Donghyuck. 

“I should have pushed him away. If we want him to become friends with us, we shouldn’t remind Lucas of what happened.” Mark could see that Donghyuck didn’t agree, but the other didn’t say anything more. He kept his eyes on Mark, as if searching for something, but Mark kept a straight face. He grabbed hold of his tea and took a step forward, aiming for his bedroom, and Donghyuck stepped out of the way with a nod. 

“Fine, Mark, but I don’t agree.”

“You sound like Ten.” Mark joked, hoping to diffuse the tension even a little bit. Donghyuck snorted at that, to Mark’s relief, and the tension in Donghyuck’s shoulders seemed to lessen. 

“Don’t tell Ten you said that. He’ll kill you.”

“He almost did after finding out Johnny and I had lunch.” Mark said, turning around from where he had been walking to his room and smiling at Donghyuck. Donghyuck smiled back at him, shaking his head once. 

“I told you he would. Jaemin and I were right.”

Mark rolled his eyes. “Of course you were.”

“Hey, Mark?” Mark was halfway through his bedroom door when Donghyuck spoke up again. Mark turned his head, watching Donghyuck fiddle with his fingers for a second. He was still standing in the same spot and Mark felt his heart sink. He knew he had worried Donghyuck, that he was probably going to keep worrying, and that’s the last thing Mark wanted. 

“Yeah?”

“Is it okay if I tell the others?”

Mark sighed, but shook his head. “If they want to know, I’ll tell them myself. It’s okay.”

And Mark found he wasn’t lying. He would tell his friends if they asked. Of course it would be difficult, but they deserved to know. Donghyuck seemed to believe him, for he nodded with a smile. 

“I do hope things work out between Johnny and you.” Mark huffed and didn’t answer, instead walked into his bedroom and sat back at his desk. He left his door open, just in case, and smiled when Donghyuck didn’t come in. Instead, he could hear some rustling in the living room before he heard Donghyuck’s door open. 

Mark turned to his phone and tapped on it, putting his tea mug down. 

**From: Johnny :)**

_Got into a subway my bad_

_Oh god it’s been so long since i watched that movie_

_We should watch it together sometime_

If Mark’s smile could grow bigger it would have. Instead, he took hold of his phone and agreed with Johnny before turning to look out his window. It was getting grayer and grayer by the day, the fall slowly making place for winter, and Mark sighed to himself. Winter had been his favorite season as a kid, except for the fact that they never got snow in Los Angeles. 

He was thankful for the years his parents took him to Canada for Christmas, or back to South-Korea to see his grandparents. At the time he had loved it. Now they had passed on and Mark wondered if they did the same thing to Mark’s mother as she did to Jongin and him. 

He should really give his brother a call. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments and kudos are always, always appreciated. and if u wanna pop by my twitter, u can too!! 
> 
> [feel free to say hello on twitter!](https://twitter.com/softyjseo)  
> [or leave a message in my cc!](https://curiouscat.me/softyjseo)
> 
> i hope u feel loved today, i really do.


	8. His

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo! welcome back to a new (long) chapter hehe
> 
> I do hope you enjoy <3

“I like _his_ coat.” Mark looked up from where he had been staring at one of the rackets full of clothes to look at Ten, who was pointing at one of the pictures on the wall. Mark turned to look at the picture and he had to suppress a smile. The coat looked like the one Johnny had worn when they had lunch together, and it made him feel giddy. 

“It’s a cool coat.” 

Ten sighed, shaking his head. “You’re no use.” 

Mark didn’t argue with that. He knew Ten didn’t mean in general, only meant that Mark is no use while shopping, and so he turned back around to look at some of the hoodies he had been looking at. One of them was a cute pastel pink and Mark was really tempted to buy it, even though he could basically hear his father screaming that ‘boy’s aren’t supposed to wear pink!’. That alone made Mark want to buy the ankle jeans that hung next to it, too. 

It would make for a cute outfit. Perhaps one he could wear if Johnny were to ask him for lunch again. Or dinner. Mark flushed at the thought, reaching out to hold one of the sleeves of the hoodie. Without another thought he pulled it off the rack, knowing it’s his size, and throwing it across his left arm. 

“Oh that’s a cute hoodie!” Ten said from where he was now standing, no longer looking at the models on the wall but browsing through some of the racks. Mark nodded. 

“I’m buying it.” 

“Good! Maybe you should also--I don’t know--buy something that isn’t a hoodie.” Ten said, taking a random blouse from in between the rest and holding out. 

Mark frowned. “What’s wrong with hoodies?” 

Ten shook his head. “Nothing, but you always wear them.”

Mark frowned deeper, staring down at the hoodie that he was now holding. It was cute, and he could most likely wear it on a date that was outdoors, but it kind of looked like a hoodie Mark already had now that he thought about it. He sighed, turning around to put it back when Ten rushed up to him. 

“No--that’s not what I meant! Get the hoodie! You’re comfortable in them and it’s going to get colder! I just meant that you could _also_ get something else, you idiot.” Mark flushed at Ten’s words, but he nodded. He was glad that there weren’t a lot of people in their part of the store because Ten had screamed a little bit, but a woman was standing a few feet away and was staring at them now. 

“I guess you’re right.” Mark admitted. If he thought about it, half of his wardrobe was just hoodies and large t-shirts. He hadn’t really bothered to look good or stylish the last few years, and it showed in his wardrobe. If Johnny did want to go on a date with him, Mark should really step up his game. 

“Of course I am. Now, let’s go ring these up because I know just where to go.” Ten said before walking off, leaving Mark to think that his best friend had been waiting for Mark to say that he needed new clothes. This shopping trip had initially been only for Ten, for the other needed a new winter coat, but Mark could already feel that he was going to spend a lot more time shopping with Ten than he had planned to do. 

Mark had wanted to perhaps get some homework done, if he was able to focus, and maybe watch some friends if time allowed it. Also text Johnny, but at this point that was sort of a given. 

They had texted back and forth for the past week, as they hadn’t been able to meet up. Johnny had a lot of assignments and other things to focus on so Mark had taken a step back, even if he didn’t really want to. Which, in itself was a strange thing, for Mark never took any difficulty in keeping his distance from people. 

Johnny just had something about him that made Mark want to talk to him constantly and it was nice, albeit a bit terrifying. 

“Are you seeing Johnny again soon?” Ten asked, as if he had read Mark’s mind. Mark looked at Ten where the man stood, waiting for a store clerk to show up so they could pay. 

Mark shrugged. “He’s been busy with school and so am I, so we haven’t really made any plans.” 

Ten raised an eyebrow, most likely not convinced, and Mark sighed. 

“I don’t want to seem clingy.” He confessed, his voice a soft whisper. Mark didn’t want anyone else to hear, even though there weren’t a lot of people around, and Mark watched as Ten rolled his eyes. 

“I doubt he would think you were clingy.” Before Mark could say anything else, a store clerk walked up and Ten was focused on paying. Mark paid for his own hoodie and the blouse Ten had chosen before they found their way outside, onto the cold streets of New York. 

“We aren’t even dating, let alone in a relationship. I don’t even know if Johnny’s gay.” Mark commented, allowing Ten to wrap his arm around his shoulder as they walk. 

“He could be bisexual. Besides, have you seen his Instagram?” 

Mark hummed. Johnny’s Instagram was filled with pictures of Johnny with others, a few pictures of the sunset and skylines. Mark had spent a few moments scrolling through it already, and it had made him even more reluctant about what Johnny and him were going to become. 

Johnny had several pictures with one boy Mark didn’t know, and they seemed to always be happy together. Mark knew there was a possibility they were friends, but they seemed closer than that. Then again, Johnny had never mentioned having a partner, whatever gender they might be. 

What Ten was referring to, though, was the pride flag in Johnny’s Instagram bio and the one picture of him at Chicago Pride. Johnny was part of the community but Mark had no idea what part Johnny belonged to. Perhaps he was aromantic, or asexual. 

“You just gotta ask him, Markie! Just be straight up and ask him about his sexuality.” Ten said, pushing Mark to turn a corner. Mark followed him and he sighed, shaking his head. 

“I can’t just do that! What if he doesn’t want to tell me?” 

“Oh for god’s sake Mark! You guys went out on two dates in one day. Big chance he likes you, or is that just me?”

Mark didn’t have an answer to that, so he stayed quiet. Ten just huffed but Mark knew that it wasn’t judgemental at all. He knew he could just ask Johnny who that guy was and why they were so close, but it made him feel like a crazy person and he hated it.

“It’ll be fine, Mark. I promise.” 

Mark truly hadn’t known what Ten had meant by fine, but if Ten’s ‘fine’ meant a message from Johnny asking Mark if he wanted to watch Beauty and the Beast together at Johnny’s place this weekend, then Ten was right. 

Mark wished he had been in his room when he received the message, but as it was he was sitting in the library with Jeno and Renjun as they worked on some of their assignments. Mark’s phone sound was on and his friends were, mildly put, way too curious for their own good, so when it rang and echoed through the quiet library, they both looked up from their books. 

They had only been dating for a little over a week now, but they were already scarily insync. Mark knew they had been friends before, but they had never been insync like that, but now it seemed as if they shared one mind. 

Mark stopped looking at his laptop, even though he had gotten the notification on there, too, and turned to look at his phone. Just yesterday he was worrying about Johnny and what his intentions were, which spiralled into something Mark really didn’t think about right now, and now he’s being asked on a movie date. 

At Johnny’s apartment. 

Mark would have screamed if it weren’t for the people surrounding him and the fact that they were in a library. And, if he didn’t want to keep his dignity. 

“Who is it?” Renjun asked, taking Mark’s attention away from where his phone screen had turned black again. Jeno was also looking at him, Mark could feel his eyes on him, and he shrugged. 

“Johnny.”

Renjung gasped softly, putting his book down. “Answer him! How have you guys been!”

Mark flushed, the question sounding as if Johnny and him were an old married couple already--which, that in itself sent Mark’s brain reeling with possibilities-- and he shook his head to get rid of the thoughts. 

“We’re doing okay, yeah. He’s been busy with school, so we text less.”

Jeno frowned, “What did he say?”

Mark gave up on stalling and took hold of his phone, unlocking it and opening Johnny’s messages. “He’s asking if I want to come over and watch a movie with him this weekend.”

Renjun whistled, earning himself a few mean looks from the other students around him. He didn’t seem to care though, his gaze fully focused on Mark, and Mark found himself blushing in embarrassment. 

“Look at you! A date at home! Just what you’ve always wanted!”

Mark really wanted to throw a book at Renjun’s head, but he kept himself from doing so. Throwing a book would disrupt the library and the students around them seemed to be studying hard, so he didn’t really want to bother him or suffer their wrath. Frowning at Renjun seemed like the best option. 

“That’s cool though, dude. Say yes!”

Mark was going to, of course, but the voice in the back of his head told him not to. He didn’t even know where Johnny lived, let alone if he had a roommate Mark didn’t know about. Perhaps he lived alone, if Mark got lucky, but knowing college students in New York, he was probably living with someone else to cover the costs of living in the big city. 

Mark paused. He didn’t even know if Johnny lived in the big city. He could be commuting from one of the more suburban areas of the city. He could live an hour away and if they would start dating Mark couldn’t handle that distance. A fifteen minute ride on the subway was doable, but an hour and a half on the train seemed too long and too far away for Mark to deal with. 

“He’s thinking.” Renjun commented, pulling Mark out of his own thoughts. His phone screen had turned black once more and Mark sighed. He was getting ahead of himself. They weren’t dating yet and Mark wasn’t even sure if they ever would. 

“It could just be as friends, Renjun.” He commented, still holding onto his phone. Both Renjun and Jeno scoffed, making Mark want to throw a book at them both. 

“As friends my ass. Now answer him.” 

Mark listened to the command and unlocked his phone again, pulling up his messages with Johnny. They had been texting a lot since they hadn’t been able to hang out at all, and it was nice. Mark had never been good at texting, keeping up with his friends, but with Johnny it felt strangely natural to talk all day, to not run out of things to say to one another. 

**To: Johnny :)**

_Yes dude that sounds awesome!!_

_Text me ur asdress and a time_

_*address_

“Did you just call him dude?” Jeno asked, making Mark jump in his chair. He had somehow moved to stand behind Mark, reading over his shoulder, and Mark sighed before putting his phone down. 

Renjun just laughed from where he was still seated, shaking his head. “I can’t believe this.” 

Mark scoffed, “You guys aren’t allowed to say anything right now.” 

“Touché.” Jeno sat back down and Renjun immediately took hold of Jeno’s hand, making Mark turn back to his laptop and want to scream. He still remembered how Johnny’s hand had felt in his, and he hoped to feel it again soon. It was comforting, to have someone to hold onto while walking down the busy streets of New York and as Mark watched his friends retreat back into their own little bubble where only they seemed to exist, he wished he had a hand to hold right now, too. 

He sighed to himself as he tried to focus back on his document, science formulas dancing across his screen. He needed to look over these notes and also send the document to Ten, but Mark hadn’t been able to focus for a while now, and he hated it. He couldn’t exactly take a break, either, with all these students around, and it made him want to crawl into bed and not get out for a while. 

Mark seemed to get his wish a day later. When he was younger, still in high school, and he felt like his body was no longer muscle and bones but bricks and concrete, his mother would yell him out of bed so he wouldn’t miss classes. Mark would always attend his classes, never miss one, and it was good that he didn’t. 

But now, now that he had no one to yell him out of bed and attendance was his own responsibility, it got hard to get out of bed sometimes. Most days he managed it, the fact that he could be disappointing his friends or Jongin weighing too heavy on him to stay in bed, but as Mark stared at his ceiling and felt like he couldn’t move, he doubted they would weigh heavy enough for now. 

It made him feel useless, his inability to find even the smallest of reasons to get out of bed. He didn’t have a lecture until the afternoon and none of his friends had asked him to do something, to hang out, so he didn’t have that going for him either. The numbness that was usually in the background had fought its way onto the forefront of Mark’s mind, and it was resulting in him only being able to turn on his side and grab his phone. 

Mark hadn’t woken up refreshed ever since middle school. No matter how much he slept, how many hours of the day he rested, he always felt some sort of tiredness still in his bones, weighing down his movement and making his mind sluggish and feel like cotton. 

When it was in the background, something Mark felt but didn’t focus on, he could manage it. He went to class, hung out with his friends, did his homework and functioned like how he was supposed to, like what was expected of him. But when it managed to gain the forefront, to cloud Mark’s focus, it was always hard to function during the day. 

Mark pulled up his messages and sighed, the good morning message he always seemed to get from Johnny making him feel slightly less numb. Mark wasn’t sure how it happened, but it had become a habit for Johnny to send him a good morning text and tell him when he might be busy or unable to reply. Mark had begun to do the same, letting Johnny know when his classes were and making sure that Johnny knew he wasn’t ignoring him. 

Mark had figured out that was one of the reasons why Johnny started doing it in the first place. Well, it was only a guess at this point, but Mark appreciated it nonetheless. He always replied quickly whenever he got a text message or any message, really, and when someone else did not Mark had the tendency to slip and let his negative thoughts take over. 

It was communication Mark hadn’t even been able to achieve with Daniel, who would leave Mark waiting for a message all day long without explaining why he was so busy. And yet here Johnny was, doing so much more than what was expected of him all to make sure that Mark was feeling alright, wasn’t slipping into bad thoughts. 

Mark’s eyes found Daniel’s necklace that still hung on the wall, and he sighed. He wondered what Johnny would say if Mark just--just told him everything. Everything that had gone down, from his parents to Daniel and everything that had happened in between. The mere thought alone made Mark want to throw up, his throat constricting, and he closed his eyes. 

He had never told anyone about Daniel, not even Jongin, someone he used to share everything with, and Mark liked it that way. He was managing this just fine on his own, nightmares and all, and he wished to continue that way despite the fact that it weighed him down sometimes. That it made anxiety pool in his stomach at the thought of kissing Johnny, combined with the stupid butterflies and everything Mark didn’t want to feel but couldn’t get rid of. 

Mark had tried to be interested in boys, had gone on maybe one or two dates, but Johnny was the first ever since Daniel that made him feel comfortable enough, made him feel like he could actually do this again, and it was terrifying. Mark hoped Johnny hadn’t noticed, but considering the fact that he studied this and that Johnny seemed to read people like an open book even if they kept their emotions shielded away, Mark knew somewhere deep inside that Johnny had realized something was up. 

Mark sighed, taking his eyes away from the necklace. He looked at his door, a little bit of light streaming in from the gap between the door and the ground, and he closed his eyes. He really should get out of bed. His bones felt less heavy, as if the thought of Johnny had made them lighter. Mark knew that was ridiculous, that someone couldn’t fix him like that, but it was a nice thought to have. So he stored it in his mind, hoped he wouldn’t forget it, and moved his legs to the edge of the bed and sat up. 

He could hear Donghyuck move around in the dorm, could hear the other make breakfast, and Mark sighed. He wished he had Donghyuck’s resilience, his feeling of care-freeness. Whenever Donghyuck failed a test, couldn’t hand in an assignment on time or perfectly or just simply couldn’t be arsed to go to class, he was fine. He smiled and laughed and felt no stress whatsoever. It was something Mark admired, something he wished he had, too. 

But everytime he worked on an assignment, failed a test or wished to skip class, just one lecture, he could hear his parents scream in his ears. That he was dumb, that he needed to do better. And it caused Mark to not want to hand in assignments unless they were absolutely perfect, study until he would break down crying because he simply couldn’t fail and never skip a class. 

Even on days where he couldn’t get out of bed, like today, he would get up and go. With the screaming of his parents in his ears, the two people he wanted to leave behind so badly but just couldn’t because of his memories, he would go and take the class even if he couldn’t pay attention. And then he would berate himself for not being able to focus, and it would be a downward spiral. 

Mark wasn’t looking forward to that today, for he knew he would crash as soon as he got back into his room after the class, so he stood up. He stood up and walked to his computer, turned it on and made sure that Disney plus was open and ready to comfort him when he got back to his room. 

And he pulled on his clothes, took his backpack and his phone, and walked out of his bedroom with legs made out of lead and his head feeling like a cotton ball. He walked into the living room and dropped his bag next to the couch, turning his head to look at Donghyuck who simply smiled at him and offered to make tea. 

The subway wasn’t as packed as Mark had expected on a saturday afternoon, but he didn’t complain. There were only a dozen or so people in his carriage, all busy with their own things, and that’s one thing that Mark liked about New York. 

Nobody seemed to care what you did, whatsoever. Sure, if you were disturbing others you could get stares, but nobody really paid attention to you. While Los Angeles was filled with judging eyes and frowns, New York didn’t seem to care at all. 

And it was relieving, somewhat, to not have to worry about others, either. Mark worried about what people thought of him all the time, so he couldn’t relax completely, but New York felt less judgemental than Los Angeles, where every move had been calculated for him by his parents. 

Johnny’s apartment wasn’t far from campus, to Mark’s great relief, so he wasn’t going to be on the subway for long. Johnny hadn’t said anything about a roommate, though, so Mark couldn’t help but wonder how he was paying for an apartment inside the city. Perhaps he did have a roommate but they weren’t going to be around and Mark wasn’t going to meet them. He didn’t really know. 

Mark kept checking the text Johnny had sent him where Johnny was going to be waiting for him outside the station. He looked up to the map displayed on the inside of the train, the electronic screen next to it displaying the station they were headed to. It wasn’t Mark’s station yet, so he relaxed a bit, but he kept his eyes on the electronic screen anyway. 

He leaned his head back against the subway wall and let out a sigh. The morning had been eventful, and Mark was exhausted already. It wasn’t eventful in the positive sense of the word, really, for Jeno, Jaemin and Renjun had gotten _very_ angry realizing that Mark hadn’t told them about Lucas right after it happened. 

The two of them had arrived early in the morning, apparently Jaemin and Donghyuck were going on a double date with them, and Renjun mentioned that they should all have a couples date with Sicheng and Lucas, too. 

Donghyuck had tensed up in Jaemin’s hold and Mark had nearly dropped his bowl of cereal, and that had been the last straw before Renjun demanded that Mark explain his behavior from the week before. 

After Mark had told the three of them with the help of Donghyuck whenever he couldn’t get the words out, all three of them had gotten angry. Angry at Lucas for doing it and angry at Mark for not saying anything, and while Mark understood that his friends just wanted to protect him, there was no reason to be mad at Lucas, either. 

He didn’t understand why his friends just couldn’t get that. 

After the three of them had calmed down while Donghyuck had explained it a bit more and Mark was trying really hard not to cry, they went out and Renjun told Mark that he was sorry, that he never should have brought Lucas to their game night and that only made it worse. 

Mark shook his head, trying to rid himself of his thoughts. He shouldn’t be thinking about all of that, not while his friends meant well, so he tried to shake them off. He hadn’t been able to tell Renjun or Jeno and Jaemin not to contact Lucas, so he feared Lucas would call him either today or tomorrow, but Mark really didn’t want to think about that right now. 

Right now he was on his way to go and watch a movie with Johnny. One of his favorite movies at that, and he hoped Johnny would like it just as much as Mark. 

Mark opened his eyes just as the doors opened to the station and he watched as others got on and a few girls left. He could feel nerves pool in his stomach, his foot jumping up and down and his teeth digging into his bottom lip, but he was also excited. 

He was sort of proud of himself, really, for doing this. For being able to do this. 

Johnny’s station wasn’t far away anymore so Mark stood up, taking hold of one of the railings as he waited. The cart jostled and screeched to a stop a few moments later and he waited for the doors to open before rushing out of the cart. He made his way through the crowds and found the stairs before he made it outside, the sun blinding to his eyes as they had gotten used to the dark of the subway. 

“Mark!” Mark whipped his head around quickly at the mention of his name and he felt a smile spread across his cheek as he watched Johnny walk up to him, one arm in the air and the other holding his phone. 

It felt like a scene from a movie as Mark watched Johnny walk up to him with a bright smile, one Mark had seen a few times, and it warmed his body from head to toe. Mark was glad he could brush off the flush that appeared on his cheeks as the cold hit him, but he wondered if Johnny would fall for that at all. 

“Hey dude!” Mark wanted to cringe at himself, Jeno’s words ringing in his ears, but before he could say something else Johnny pulled him into a hug and Mark forgot how to think. 

Johnny had never hugged him before apart from one awkward bro-hug when he showed up to help Ten move. This wasn’t a bro-hug. This was a full fledged, wrapping entire arms around you hug and it made Mark’s leg feel like jelly. 

He froze a little bit but found his bearings and wrapped his arms around Johnny, too, and for a few seconds Mark forgot all about his morning, the way his body still felt heavy as a remnant of a couple days ago and it was heavenly. Mark didn’t receive many hugs and the ones his friends gave him were usually short and fleeting. Mark loved hugs, he liked feeling so close to people that he could smell them, could feel their arms around him for longer than a fleeting second. 

Mark liked to be held and Johnny was holding him as if he liked holding him. It made Mark’s heart jump and his brain reel. 

When Johnny moved to pull back Mark got back to his senses and stepped back a little, allowing Johnny to do the same. He couldn’t stop smiling, though, the heat from Johnny’s arms around him still encasing him like a warm blanket on a cold, snowy night. 

“I’m glad you found it alright.” Johnny said, the smile on his face not fading even an inch. Mark could feel his cheeks start to hurt from his own smile, but he didn’t stop. He just nodded at Johnny and moved out of the way for a man trying to walk past him behind his back. 

“Wasn’t that hard, Johnny.” 

Johnny chuckled and took hold of Mark’s hand. Mark tried to keep the surprised look off of his face as he allowed Johnny to do so. Johnny intertwined their fingers and pulled Mark forward, the two of them now walking down the sidewalk. 

Mark felt like his heart was going to beat out of his chest as he fell into pace with Johnny, the other’s legs longer than his own. “How was your morning?” 

Mark shrugged as best as he could while holding onto Johnny’s hand as they walked. “It was okay, I guess. Yours?” 

It was small talk, something Mark usually found awkward and hated, but he liked it with Johnny. He genuinely wanted to know how Johnny’s morning had been, what he had done before they were going to hang out--date? Mark still wasn’t too sure--. Had he also been nervous? 

Thinking about Johnny being nervous threw Mark for a loop, so he tried to push those thoughts away. Johnny chuckled. “I called my best friend from home, so that was fun. Also worked on some stuff for school.” 

Mark raised an eyebrow. Could that best friend be the boy Mark had seen on Johnny’s instagram? Were they just friends after all? 

“That sounds fun. Does he still live in Chicago?” Mark asked, genuinely curious. He wanted to know all about Johnny and one could truly learn about someone else in the way they spoke about their friends. 

Johnny shook his head. “Nope. He moved to do his masters in South-Korea, actually. It was almost nine pm for him when I called.” 

Mark couldn’t imagine going to school in Korea. His Korean was good enough, nearly fluent, but it wasn’t something he really wanted. South-Korea wasn’t nearly as accepting of gay people as America was and he didn’t want to hide anymore, not after everything with his parents. Although he had looked at it, moving to South-Korea and starting his life there, but in the end Mark had gone for New York. 

“What’s his name?” Mark hadn’t been able to find an Instagram account for the boy in the pictures, hadn’t been able to track him down, so he wondered who this man was. Johnny squeezed Mark’s hand as he directed him toward a traffic light and Mark smiled. 

“Taeil. I think you guys would get along well.” Mark hummed. Perhaps they would. If Johnny and him were to start dating he would like to get along with his friends, too, so he hoped Johnny was right. 

“So have all your friends left Chicago or--?”

The light turned green and they walked across the street as cars honked at them. Mark could feel his anxiety rise up to his throat as their intertwined hands forced Mark to walk in the same pace as Johnny did, but he swallowed it down. 

Johnny chuckled just as they stepped onto the sidewalk once more. “No. Sehun, my other best friend, still lives in Chicago. He moved in with his boyfriend right after we finished college and he found a job in the city, so he’s staying there for now.”

Mark smiled. He did remember seeing a guy called Sehun on Johnny’s Instagram. Mark had stalked him a little bit, and Sehun’s instagram was filled with pictures of him and another guy Mark didn’t know. “That sounds nice. Don’t you miss him?”

Mark wanted to cram the words back into his mouth just as they left him. That question could be way too personal, not something Johnny wanted to talk about in public perhaps, but the question was now hanging in the air and Johnny had heard it already. Johnny squeezed Mark’s hand again and Mark felt his thoughts calm down. 

“Sometimes I do. Although, after Junmyeon--Sehun’s boyfriend--finishes his masters in a year they might move down here. Sehun has always liked New York and with Junmyeon’s parents they can easily afford it.” Johnny talked about it as if it wasn’t something personal, as if he was talking about the weather, and Mark envied him for it just a little bit. Whenever he told stories about his friends he felt guilty, felt like he shouldn’t tell others those things without explicit permission. 

Mark chuckled. “They sound nice.” 

Johnny shook his head and snorted, halting them right outside a door. “They’re cool, but annoying.” 

Mark laughed at that, could relate to it even, and allowed Johnny to pull him inside. It was warmer inside, the heat clearly on, and Mark shivered. The entrance was wide, two elevators next to each other and a glass door that Mark assumed led to the stairs. Johnny pulled Mark to the elevator and Mark smiled at him gratefully. He was way too tired to take the stairs. 

“I doubt they’re worse than my friends. I’m the only single guy and they’re all way too in love for their own good.” Mark said, immediately feeling guilty after. He loved his friends, he really did, but sometimes feeling like the fifth wheel on the wagon got tiring. 

Johnny laughed. “Not even a few dates? What about when you were in Los Angeles?” 

Mark was glad that Johnny had left his side for a second to push the right button, for Mark froze on the spot. Mark’s breath hitched and he desperately hoped Johnny hadn’t heard him, hadn’t picked up on it, and as Johnny turned back around it seemed as though he didn’t. Mark felt relief curl in his chest. 

“Nah, not so much. I had a boyfriend briefly, in high school. Not many people have had interest in me since then.” Mark said, shrugging. 

Johnny frowned at him, though, and Mark realized in that second how heavy the second part of his sentence must have sounded to Johnny. Before he could say anything else, though, Johnny was by his side again and reaching for Mark’s hand. “Don’t say that. I’m sure hundreds of people have had interest in you since then.” 

Mark just smiled, tried to let the warmth of Johnny’s hand in his take over the memories that were flooding his brain, and just as they reached Johnny’s floor they seemed to fade. One day, if things got serious, he would tell Johnny. He would have to, after all, but for now Mark kept it to himself and followed Johnny out of the elevator and down the hall. 

The movie was halfway done when Johnny stood up to get them another drink from the kitchen and Mark was left alone for the first time ever since they got inside the apartment. The screen was paused on the scene where Belle and the Beast can be found sitting at the dinner table and Mark sighed, feeling giddy. 

They had cuddled throughout the entire movie so far. And it wasn’t the cuddles Mark sometimes received from his friends, where they wrap an arm around his shoulder and that’s it. That’s how it started but after a while, Johnny had maneuvered Mark in a way that made Mark’s head lay on Johnny’s chest, Mark curled in on him with his feet on the couch. 

Johnny had spent a good part of the movie so far carding his hands through Mark’s hair and Mark felt completely and utterly relaxed, as if nothing in the world could hurt him as long as Johnny was holding him. Mark pushed some of the negative thoughts away. He didn’t want to deal with those, not right now, so he tried really hard not to let them take over as Johnny took his time in the kitchen. 

As it turned out, Johnny did have a roommate. His name was Kyungsoo and he wasn’t home for the weekend, instead spending the weekend at his parents’ house down in Long Beach, and the knowledge that they wouldn’t be interrupted set something free in Mark. Something nerve wracking, sure, but also something calm, something that told Mark they had all the time in the world. 

Mark turned his head as he heard footsteps again, and he watched Johnny walk into the living room with two glasses of sprite. Mark smiled and took his glass gratefully before scooting over, making space for Johnny on the couch. 

“Do you remember the ending?” Mark then asked, waiting for Johnny to get comfortable and pull him in again. Mark didn’t feel secure enough to do it by himself, but Johnny raised his arm and motioned for Mark to scoot closer, so Mark did. 

Mark felt Johnny shake his rather than saw it and he grinned. “Not really, no. Although it’s a happy one.” 

“Disney doesn’t do sad endings, Johnny.” 

Johnny snorted. “Inside Out was extremely sad.” 

Mark laughed into the fabric of Johnny’s sweater, holding his glass out and putting it on the coffee table. “That’s Pixar.” 

“Well, my point still stands.” 

Mark huffed but dropped the subject as Johnny cuddled him closer and turned the movie back on, Belle moving once more. 

“I love the dress she wears when they dance.” Mark commented after a while of silence, Johnny’s hand in his hair stilling and a hum making his chest shake and Mark’s cheek vibrate.

“It’s gold, right?” Johnny asked, taking a sip of his drink. 

Mark hummed. “Gold-ish yellow. It’s beautiful.” 

When the scene came into view, Johnny laughed. “Oh god, I just remembered how Sehun had wanted to be Belle for Halloween when he was like--six years old.” 

Mark couldn’t help but laugh even if he had no idea whether Sehun even wanted Johnny to tell such an embarrassing story, and watched the rest of the movie with that image in his head. 

Mark could mouth along with the last few words spoken in the movie and Johnny laughed as he did so, making Mark snap his mouth shut in embarrassment. 

“That’s cute.” Johnny said and Mark felt his cheek flush a dark red. He was glad for the slightly darkened sky already, despite it only being past seven or so, as it hid the flush ever so slightly. 

Mark huffed in faux offense, though, and sat up. “I’m not cute.” 

“You’re adorable.” Johnny whispered, making Mark freeze on the spot. Johnny looked cozy, like everything Mark loved and wanted, and it hit him hard how much he wanted Johnny to kiss him. 

He eyed Johnny’s lips for a fleeting second before looking back at his eyes, which seemed focused on Mark’s lips. Mark bit them, an automatic reaction, and Johnny moved his gaze back up to Mark’s eyes. 

Something between them shifted, Mark could feel it, but Johnny didn’t move. Mark didn’t have the guts to lean in first, the fear of rejection too heavy on his shoulders, but Johnny stayed seated the way he was. 

“Joh--”

“Can I kiss you?” Johnny asked, interrupting whatever Mark was going to say. Mark wasn’t even sure what he had wanted to say, a bit despite himself simply because of how Johnny looked, and he was grateful for it. 

“What?” 

“I want consent, Mark. Can I kiss you?” 

Mark felt warmth spread across his chest, felt something hot curl in his stomach and without realizing it he felt tears start to brim at his eyes, wettening his waterline. He nodded, though, despite the way his throat seemed to close. 

“I need to hear it.” Johnny sounded resolute, like he wasn’t going to budge before Mark said it out loud, and Mark felt so, so cared for despite the fact that they weren’t even dating yet and it scared him how much he liked it. 

“Yes, please kiss me.” 

Johnny’s lips were soft, slightly chapped from the cold weather but Mark didn’t mind. He was inexperienced but Johnny seemed to take the lead without any hesitation, making Mark feel warm from head to toe. Johnny tasted like sprite, like the chips they had eaten during the movie and like something Mark couldn’t entirely place but loved nonetheless. It felt natural to have Johnny’s lips on his, despite the awkward angle and the way Mark wasn’t sure what to do with his hands while Johnny’s hands were on his cheeks, on his neck but never reaching further. 

Mark pulled back after a few moments to catch his breath, his lungs begging for air, and he felt a smile form on his lips. Johnny was smiling, too, his eyes never leaving Mark’s, and Mark wanted to kiss him again and again. 

With Daniel, kisses had left a bitter aftertaste, especially toward the end of their relationship, but Mark felt the urge to kiss Johnny again even though they were both still catching their breath and it was _new_ and terrifying but Mark felt thrilled, too. 

“You’re adorable, Mark Lee.” Johnny reached out to touch Mark’s cheek, warming the skin almost instantly, and Mark closed his eyes. 

“Stop.” He whined, secretly not wanting Johnny to stop at all. He wasn’t sure what had gotten into him, this sudden playfulness, but he leaned into Johnny’s touch with a smile. He turned his head and placed a kiss in the middle of Johnny’s palm, making the older man’s breath hitch, and Mark felt his heart skip a beat. 

“I don’t think you want me to, though.” Mark huffed but followed Johnny when Johnny moved to pull him down, the two of them now laying on the couch. Mark was laying on top of Johnny, his full weight on the other, and he frowned before trying to move away, not wanting to squash Johnny. 

Johnny wrapped his arms around Mark’s waist, though, and pulled him back down. “Are you uncomfortable?” 

Mark’s eyes widened before he shook his head. He wasn’t uncomfortable. He felt soft, cared for and incredibly nice and warm. He never wanted this to end. 

“Then stay. I’ve wanted to do this ever since I saw you.” 

Mark snorted, shaking his head. “You’re joking.” 

Johnny frowned, seemingly not finding it funny. “Why would I be?” 

Mark just chuckled, laying his chin onto Johnny’s chest so he could look at him. It was an odd angle and still Johnny managed to look absolutely gorgeous. That alone was a reason why Mark felt like Johnny was joking. “Because I looked like a right mess that day.” 

Johnny shrugged. “You looked fine to me.” 

Mark flushed, remembering his own thoughts about Johnny when he had seen the man for the first time. The way Jeno had pulled them out of the living room and into his bedroom to play video games because Renjun and him hadn’t gotten their shit together yet. How Mark hadn’t stopped thinking about Johnny ever since that moment. 

Mark wondered what this meant, what they were now. He felt afraid to ask, scared he would push Johnny away. Perhaps the older didn’t want a relationship, didn’t want something serious. And while the thought of a relationship made Mark’s head spin and bad memories flood his system, he also knew deep inside that he needed to try. That, if he ever wanted to get over said memories and not worry his friends all the time, he would need to try. 

The encounter with Lucas hadn’t been pleasant but Mark had learned something from it; to share his things with friends more. His friends could always come to him, but Mark never came to them with his own things. 

Johnny squeezed his hand, though, taking Mark’s attention away from his own thoughts and back to where he was laying on Johnny’s chest. Johnny smiled at him and Mark felt his stomach go insane, butterflies fluttering around while his heart was beating out of his chest. 

“What are we?” Johnny asked, making Mark swallow the words he had been about to say. Mark wasn’t sure what they were or what he wanted, but he wanted to explore. He wanted more time with Johnny and for Johnny not to have somebody else. 

“I’m--I’m not sure?” Mark answered, his voice a bit shaky. 

Johnny raised an eyebrow. “What do you want us to be?” 

Mark sighed, closing his eyes. Johnny was so considerate and deserved so much better than whatever Mark could give him. But, he knew that if he said those words out loud Johnny would disagree and Mark honestly didn’t want to break the lovely moment they seemed to have, so he kept his mouth shut about that. 

“I want--I want--us to be together--I guess.” 

Johnny snorted. “You guess?” 

Mark groaned, shaking his head. “I’m not good with words Johnny, please.”

Johnny laughed, the kind of laugh that made him throw his head back into the cushions on the couch, and it made Mark want to laugh, too. He was being ridiculous. “Fine. Should we say we’re dating then?” 

Mark just hummed into Johnny’s sweater and Johnny laughed, his hand coming up to hold Mark’s chin. He reached forward awkwardly, Mark feeling his core muscles constrict, to place a kiss on top of Mark’s nose and Mark scrunched it, a giggle leaving his lips. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed! 
> 
> I love u. Just letting u know. If no one has told u today: you're loved and wanted. And even if someone has told u that today, it still applies to you. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are always appreciated <3  
> or come chat!  
> [feel free to say hello on twitter!](https://twitter.com/softyjseo)  
> [or leave a message in my cc!](https://curiouscat.me/softyjseo)


	9. Infinity

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HEYO  
> QUICK NOTE: I accidentally called Johnny's roommate in the last chapter, which he is not. A lovely reader pointed it out and I changed it! My idea was Kyungsoo from the get go, so don't ask me why I wrote down Chanyeol instead. Anyway! I hope that may have cleared up some confusion, considering the fact that Jongin is dating Chanyeol aksldjfkdlj 
> 
> im a dummy
> 
> enjoy this chapter 
> 
> also,, thank u for waiting so patiently ;;; i love u

“One in twenty-one people in New York are millionaires. My options were bigger than _infinity_ and yet I settled for you.” 

Mark froze in the doorway, gaze falling toward Jaemin and Donghyuck cuddled up on the couch with a movie on the screen. Mark knew he shouldn’t ask, for Donghyuck and Jaemin had a weird way of communicating things, but he couldn’t help and raise an eyebrow. 

“Excuse me?” he asked, dropping his backpack on the floor. Donghyuck jumped in his seat, clearly not having expected Mark back this early. It wasn’t early, not in the slightest for Mark had lunch with Johnny and it was way past two in the afternoon, but Jaemin seemed un-bothered at best. 

“I’m right!” Jaemin exclaimed, pointing at the screen. “Why can’t I be dating a millionaire?” 

Mark looked at the screen, displaying a movie that he had never heard of before, before turning back to look at Donghyuck. Donghyuck just shook his head. “Who says I won’t become a millionaire?”

Jaemin scoffed. “If one of us is becoming a millionaire it’s me. I’m the actor, remember?” 

“Why are we talking about this?” Mark asked, walking further into the living room. Jaemin seemed to have stayed the night, both of the boys still in their pyjamas, and Mark should have known that was going to happen. 

“You’re right,” Jaemin leaned over to grab the tv remote, pausing the movie, before turning to Mark with a mischievous grin on his face. “What we should be talking about is the fact that you spent the night at Johnny’s place.” 

Mark flushed. He wished he could run to his room and hide, but instead he had to face the wolves head on. He sighed, shaking his head. “I did.” 

“What happened?” Donghyuck sounded concerned, as if Mark wouldn’t possibly spend the night somewhere else. It made Mark think, for just a second, that perhaps he was becoming too much of a homebody. Perhaps he should really go out more. 

“We — uh, we watched Beauty and the Beast. And then Johnny offered to make dinner, and so we did that.” Mark scratched his neck, feeling slightly nervous under the watchful eyes of his friends, and he wondered how long this interview was going to last before Mark would break and tell them everything. 

“Hyuck! We need to watch Beauty and the Beast again!” Jaemin exclaimed, turning to look at Donghyuck who simply groaned and closed his eyes. Mark couldn’t help but smile, but before he could turn around and walk away, Donghyuck’s attention was back on him once more. 

“Did something happen between you two?” Donghyuck asked, his annoyance making place for his unending curiosity. Mark shrugged, not taking his eyes off of the floor. He didn’t really know how to tell his friends what had happened. Johnny and him had shared cuddles, kisses and even more cuddles while sleeping in Johnny’s bed. And perhaps his friends were expecting more, but the thought of that made Mark want to hurl his insides out. 

“Sort of?” 

“Sort of! Mark! Tell us!” Jaemin yelled, sitting up from where he had been cuddled up next to Donghyuck. Mark sighed, closing his eyes and willing his heart to calm down. The thought of calling Johnny his boyfriend made something curl up in his gut, made him feel like he was going to throw up any second now, but also his heart jump in his chest with glee to the point where Mark worried his heart would actually jump out of his ribcage. 

“Johnny kissed me and—”

“Did you want it?” 

“Jaemin!” Donghyuck exclaimed, whacking his boyfriend with one of the pillows under the couch. 

“What?!”

“I did want it, Jaemin. Thank you.” Mark answered his question, hoping to ease the sudden worry that had appeared on Jaemin’s face. Mark wanted Jaemin not to worry, wanted none of his friends to worry, but he also knew that that was impossible at this point. Now that they knew about Lucas, they were bound to pay extra attention to intimacy. 

“Good.” Jaemin replied, leaning back into the couch. Mark felt his own shoulders sag in relief. 

“Anyway, what else happened?” Donghyuck asked, clearly not done with the conversation, and Mark sighed. He sat down on one of the chairs closest to him, admitting defeat, and leaned back. 

“We talked about what we both wanted. We decided on a relationship, and then Johnny made dinner and said he didn’t want me to travel home on the train in the dark.” Mark summarized the evening as best as he could with as little words as he could, but his friends didn’t seem to mind at all. 

“That sounds so— adult. Like you actually sat down and talked.” 

Mark huffed, shaking his head. “He’s twenty-three, not thirty-five.” 

“Sure. But when Jaemin and I got together we just had a make-out session and ended up dating.” Donghyuck said, the smile on his face reminding Mark of a cat. 

“Best make-out session, hands down.” Jaemin commented, making Donghyuck gasp. 

“Our other ones aren’t good?” 

Mark groaned, standing up and taking his bag from where he had dropped it on the ground. “That’s my cue to leave.” 

Mark listened to Jaemin’s and Donghyuck’s laughter as he walked to his own room, the door closing behind him and muting the sounds from the living room. It was almost too quiet, to be alone again for the first time ever since yesterday morning, but Mark found he didn’t particularly mind the quiet for now. 

He was sure he would start to hate it later on, laying in bed alone when laying in bed next to Johnny had been the most amazing thing Mark had ever experienced, but he tried not to worry about that. It wasn’t time to go to bed, after all, so Mark had lots of time to get over himself and his own complaining.

Mark put his bag on his bed, taking out his laptop and charger just as his phone rang. He frowned to himself. His friends weren’t really the type to call, apart from Ten, but Mark doubted Ten would call him on a Sunday unless it was an emergency. He was sure Ten was far too busy enjoying the fact that Kun was off for the weekend. 

Mark sighed as he stood back up straight, taking his phone out of his hoodie pocket, frowning down at the unknown number. He didn’t recognize the phone number — not like he would have recognized his friends’ numbers — and without having a clue as to who would call him on a Sunday afternoon, Mark answered and raised the phone up to his ear. 

“Hello, this is Mark Lee?” 

“ _Mark_ ,” Mark’s body went rigid for the briefest of seconds, his hold on his phone tightening until it hurt, the voice sending shivers up his spine. “ _How are you?_ ” 

Mark wanted to scream that he had been doing just fine, that he had one of the best nights of his life just the night before and that his Sunday had been going great as well but that this phone call had ruined it, but Mark stopped himself from doing so. He had no right to be angry at Lucas, at all, and he knew that Lucas didn’t kiss him on purpose, or wanted to hurt Mark on purpose. 

“I’m doing alright, you?” Mark hoped Lucas wouldn’t hear the slight waver in his voice, the soft hitch of his breath. Mark wanted to hang up, but he also wanted to hear Lucas out. They weren’t friends, hadn’t spoken more than three times and Mark really had no idea how Lucas had gotten hold of his phone number. Perhaps Renjun had something to do with it. 

“ _I’m doing alright, too. Listen Mark, can we maybe talk? Face to face?_ ” 

Mark wanted to shake his head. He wanted to decline because he really, really didn’t want to despite the fact that he knew talking to Lucas about it and straightening it out would make him feel better. Would be the right thing to do. It would make Lucas feel less guilty, would take the weight off of his shoulders, and while Mark would still continue to have nightmares and feel hands on his body that weren’t there, and were never supposed to be there, that had to be okay. 

“Yeah, of course. When and where?” Mark answered, squeezing his free hand into a fist. His nails dug into the palm of his hand and his teeth had found his bottom lip again, but Mark couldn’t find it in himself to stop it. He kept on biting his lip, kept digging his nails into his skin and tried his hardest to fight off the tears that threatened to come. Mark had no idea why they were coming, but he needed to stop them. He didn’t want to cry. 

“ _I was thinking maybe Think Coffee? The one on 248 Mercer?_ ” Mark knew that coffee shop, had been there a handful of times before Ten started taking him to different coffee shops close to campus, and Mark knew the place was nice. 

“Yeah, okay. What time?” Mark asked, turning around on the spot. He felt restless already, and he eyed the clock. He hoped Lucas would want to meet soon, would not make Mark wait long, for Mark would eat himself up about it until it was time for him to leave. The coffee shop would be a short walk, perhaps fifteen minutes, and Mark hoped it would help to clear his mind a little bit. 

“ _Is three okay_?” Lucas sounded as if he was on the verge of tears himself, Mark finally noticed, and he frowned. A pang of guilt shot through him at the sound of Lucas’ voice, at the way it wavered, and Mark wanted to curse himself into next week for making this gentle giant feel this way. 

“Yeah, three sounds fine.” 

The coffee shop looked the same as when Mark had last been there. It was quite busy, students sitting at tables with their laptops or groups having discussions and conversations at the big communal tables, and it was warm. Which, Mark appreciated to no end, for it was starting to really get cold outside as October went on, and Mark still hadn’t gotten used to the fact that New York had all four seasons.

Back in Los Angeles they really only had summer and spring, if Mark was honest. His mother would say that it was cold when the temperature went below seventy, but Mark never really understood that. She was from Canada, after all, so Mark had always thought his mother would be used to very cold weather. His father never minded the seemingly never ending heat, took any chance he could to show off his arms from working-out far too much. 

Mark always hated the smothering heat of a Los Angeles summer, and was glad that New York didn’t share the same heat. Sure, summers in New York were hot, but not the same way as Californian summers were. 

Mark didn’t spot Lucas anywhere, so he awkwardly made his way over to one of the tables that was free and sat down, the table next to one of the windows. He looked outside, watching as the pedestrians rushed past, and he sighed. 

One thing he missed about Los Angeles was the fact that people were less quick, that there never seemed to be a rush. Granted, Mark was privileged in the fact that he never had to rush to get the school bus or worry about money, but people from Los Angeles seemed less in a constant hurry compared to New Yorkers. 

Mark moved his gaze from the outside back to the door. Mark was early, ten minutes early to be exact, and he knew that Lucas wouldn’t walk in for another fifteen perhaps. Mark sighed again, letting his chin rest on his hand, and he closed his eyes for a second. The sounds around him spilled into his head, bouncing off of the walls and it was deafening. It made Mark want to stand up and walk right back out of the door, but he didn’t. 

After such a peaceful day and night with Johnny, sitting in such a busy coffee shop made Mark want to curl in on himself. He missed the quiet of Johnny’s apartment, the only noise being the radio on low volume as Johnny and him had eaten their breakfast. 

Mark smiled to himself, biting his lip. Johnny was an amazing cook. Dinner had been a simple pasta, but the best Mark had ever had. Breakfast had been home-made pancakes, and shockingly enough Mark had been ready to declare his love for Johnny right then and there. 

He didn’t love Johnny, not yet. Mark knew that he could, one day. He also knew that Johnny was older than him, more experienced and knowledgeable in life, and Mark hoped that wouldn’t cause problems between them. 

Mark opened his eyes again, gaze finding the door. The barista was behind the counter, working on a few cups of coffee and getting people their orders, and Mark felt kind of bad for them. Most students in the cafe were probably slightly hungover or stressed, and while Mark had never had an actual job before it didn’t take an idiot to figure out that students like that weren’t easy to please. 

“Mark?” 

Mark jumped in his seat, turning his head. Lucas stood there with a sheepish smile on his face, almost shy, and Mark felt his heart beat faster and faster in his chest. Lucas was comfortably dressed in a pair of jeans and a hoodie, similar to Mark, and he figured that Lucas had definitely been waiting for the right moment to call Mark. Perhaps worried about calling him. 

The thought of it made Mark want to laugh, mainly because Mark knew that Lucas was a confident guy unless given a reason not to be. And he was handsome. 

“Hi! Sorry I was a bit spaced out!” Mark said, waving his hand awkwardly at the seat in front of him. Lucas waved him off with a soft nod before taking a seat across from Mark, his feet nearly touching Mark’s under the table.

Johnny knew Mark was here. He had texted Johnny right after Lucas hung up the phone, with the address and everything after Johnny asked for it, so he knew where Mark was. He also said he was proud of Mark for doing this and while that had made Mark’s heart jump in his chest and the butterflies in his stomach go haywire, it hadn’t calmed his nerves even in the slightest. 

“It’s okay!” Lucas answered, and he looked awkward. Mark supposed it was awkward, for he could feel it around him and on his shoulders, but it was odd to see Lucas feeling awkward. Granted, Mark hadn’t seen much of Lucas at all apart from the game night at Doyoung and Jeno’s place, and the day where he was suddenly in his living room with another man, but he had never once looked awkward. 

“So, uh—” 

“I’m sorry.” Mark froze in his seat with his mouth open, lips formed around the words he was about to say. He blinked, his mouth closing and his teeth digging into his bottom lip instantly. Before he could say anything, though, Lucas beat him to it. “Renjun called me, yesterday. He was— he was pissed. And rightfully so. What I did — and not even remembering it? I’m so—” 

“Lucas ple—”

“No! What I did was wrong, and I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you without your permission. I shouldn’t have even touched you without your permission. Being drunk is never an excuse.” Lucas finished, folding his hands on the table. 

Mark exhaled, his nails digging into the palms of his hands once more, before he opened his mouth, too. “I don’t— I don’t blame you, Lucas. Yeah it wasn’t nice and yeah, I was a bit angry at first, but you were just dumped that night. And drunk.” 

Lucas shook his head, clearly not having it. Mark just wanted to go home, at this point. He wanted to crawl into bed and watch YouTube videos or an episode of Friends and get his mind off of this and onto something else. “It’s not an excuse, Mark.” 

Mark shrugged, “It’s fine, Lucas. Truly. I appreciate your apology, I do.” 

Mark hoped that would help and make Lucas feel less guilty, hoped Lucas would be able to forget about it and get on with his life.

Lucas seemed to relax a little in his seat and that made Mark relax ever so slightly, too. The noise around them seemed to dial down a bit as a few groups left the coffee shop, the late afternoon draping across New York like a warm, winter blanket. 

“Thank you, for hearing me out.” 

Mark hummed, “Of course.” 

Lucas didn’t have to know that Mark’s leg was shaking under the table or that Mark would go home and either cry or completely shut down. Mark wanted Lucas to be able to go home and feel lighter, even if he himself felt heavier. 

“Sicheng was very, very angry after Renjun called.” Lucas then said, making Mark let out a soft chuckle. He imagined Renjun hadn’t been the nicest on the phone, and while Mark appreciated the protectiveness his friends seemed to have, he wished Renjun wouldn’t have called. Then again, talking things out would help Lucas in the long run and perhaps even help Mark, so Mark supposed he really didn’t have the right to complain. 

“Sicheng, huh?” Mark asked, picking at his nails. He wanted to change the subject, and he knew next to nothing about Sicheng, after all. And if his friends wanted to hang-out with Lucas more, Mark was sure Sicheng would come along with the package deal. 

If they were a package deal. 

Lucas' cheeks flushed a soft red almost instantly as he nodded. “Yeah, we went on a few dates and made it official.” 

“Congrats dude.” Mark said, awkwardly fiddling with his fingers. He really didn’t know what else to say, and Lucas seemed to sense it a little bit. 

“Do you have somewhere to be?” He asked, carding his hand through his hair. Mark shook his head, feeling guilt curl in his stomach because he didn’t want to give Lucas the feeling that he didn’t want to be here. 

“No, I just have a bit of homework left to do.” Mark really didn’t have a lot of school work to do apart from memorizing a few pages about the Eighty Years’ War and its consequences, but that wasn’t hard or wouldn’t take a lot of time. Mark felt his throat close up a little bit and his chest tighten, but he hoped Lucas wouldn’t notice. 

“Oh same, dude. Thanks again for listening to me.” Lucas said, then, maneuvering his way out of his seat before standing up straight. Mark followed suit before walking behind Lucas through the narrow path between the tables, stepping into the cold winter air together. 

“I’ll— uh— “ 

“I’ll see you around!” 

Mark nodded at him and was surprised when Lucas didn’t move in for a hug or a pat on the shoulder. Instead, he just waved and nodded before turning around and walking off. Mark watched him go, stared after him, and he supposed that Lucas really had learned from what he had done. 

“ _How did it go_?” Mark sighed as he dropped himself on his bed, phone held up against his ear. Johnny’s voice sounded on edge, as if he had been worried Lucas would end up doing something to hurt Mark, and Mark wasn’t sure whether he liked it or not. Johnny worrying about him felt wrong, as if Johnny had more important things to worry about than Mark. 

“It went okay. He apologized, we had a short conversation about him and Sicheng and that was it.” Mark answered, laying his head down on one of his pillows. He purposefully turned on his left side to not have to look at his room, one wall in particular, and tried to focus on Johnny’s breathing on the other side of the line. 

“ _Did you accept his apology_?” Johnny asked, and Mark huffed. He put his phone down on the mattress and turned speaker mode on, letting Johnny’s breathing and the sound of his movements echo through the room instead. 

“I did. Of course I did.” 

Johnny hummed, “ _I wouldn’t say ‘of course’, you had every right to be angry._ ” 

Mark sighed, closing his eyes. “We’ve had this conversation before.” 

“ _I know, and I won’t stop reminding you_.” Johnny let out a soft chuckle, and it made Mark’s head feel a little lighter. 

“Thanks.” Mark then said, curling in on himself. Mark was glad that Johnny hadn’t Facetimed him, that he couldn’t see Mark’s face. Mark had let a few tears slip on his walk home, and while he had hoped it would help, it hadn’t. It had only made him want to cry even more, and before he had been able to lock himself up in his room and do just that, Johnny had called. 

“ _No need for that, Markie. Now, as much as I enjoy talking to you and all that, I do sadly have some stuff to do for school._ ” Mark couldn’t help but laugh softly. He knew that he was the reason why Johnny hadn’t been able to do his school work today, and it made something akin to pride swell in his chest. But, right after, Mark felt shame curl in his stomach. He had been too distracting to Johnny. 

“Yeah, I should do some studying as well.” 

“ _Good luck! Facetime before bed tonight?_ ” Johnny asked, and Mark could feel a flush spreading from the top of his head to his toes. 

He hummed, though. “You too! And yes, please.” 

Johnny hung up after that and Mark was left staring at the wall next to his bed, his phone screen turning black after a minute or so. Mark felt hollow, his head as heavy as a brick, and he hated it. 

Seeing Lucas was a good thing, Mark knew this. Letting Lucas apologise and actually seeing that he regretted his actions had been good, too, and Mark knew that a couple months from now he would be able to think about it and laugh. But for now, he couldn’t stop thinking about Daniel. 

And about how he had never been regretful of his actions.

Mark clenched his eyes shut as the first few tears escaped, and he exhaled. He didn’t want to cry anymore. He didn’t want to feel hands on his body that weren’t supposed to be there and he wanted the thought of Daniel out of his head, forever. 

Mark knew that was impossible, however, and he knew that he should learn to live with it and that it was just going to be part of his life and the way he lived, but that didn’t make it suck any less. Daniel was still out there, in Los Angeles, doing whatever he pleased and wanted because his father was some big shot CEO and Daniel would never have to worry about money or anything else in his entire life.

And Mark knew that he didn’t have to, either, and that made his skin crawl. His parents hated him to bits despite the fact that his mother kept asking him about Thanksgiving as if Mark would want to have dinner surrounded by a group of people that despised him so much, but they would never stop sending Mark money. Mark knew that this was because the money made them feel like good parents and not because they still loved him, so the money always left a bitter aftertaste in his mouth. He wouldn’t send it back, though. He had a separate savings account where he deposited most of the money after buying the things he needed, and he would use it for later.

Perhaps for a house, or an apartment. Mark wasn’t even sure if he wanted to stay in New York after college, but Los Angeles was never going to be an option again. 

Mark sighed, turning around to lay on his back again. He could distract himself with thoughts of his parents all he wanted, but it didn’t help. The thought of them only made him sadder, feel more like utter shit, and reminded Mark of the fact that it was his fault that they hated Jongin, too.

Jongin, brave Jongin. Mark groaned into the quiet of his room. He called Jongin a couple days ago, if he remembered correctly, but Mark knew that Jongin was worried about him no matter what. 

Mark didn’t move to turn music on as the silence settled across his chest, rooting him to his bed. He could feel the ghost of a pair of lips on his own that didn’t belong to Johnny or Lucas, and he wanted to scream. He didn’t, though, for Donghyuck was in his room and Mark wasn’t sure what he was up to. If he was gaming, Mark didn’t want to startle him. 

Instead, Mark closed his eyes and willed himself to think about Johnny. About how his arms were gentle, his words even more so, and how he had taken the time to make sure Mark was comfortable with everything they did. From a simple hug to kissing and sharing a bed. Johnny was one of the most considerate people Mark had ever had the pleasure of meeting, and for some weird reason Johnny had ended up with Mark. 

Mark knew Johnny would yell at him if he ever said those words out loud, so Mark noted to never do that. He also knew that he had yet to tell Ten, Jeno and Renjun about Johnny. Mark wasn’t sure whether Doyoung and Jaehyun knew already, considering the fact that they were also friends with Johnny. But, despite his own storm of emotions and feelings, Mark found he didn’t exactly mind other people knowing. 

His friends would be over the moon, of course. Mark could already imagine the look on Ten’s face, and the way Renjun would probably congratulate Mark on getting his shit together. Mark snorted at the thought, for Renjun and Jeno truly weren’t allowed to say anything with their years of mutual pining, but he knew they would anyway. 

Mark turned his head to look at the necklace on his wall. He knew he would have to tell Johnny one day, but not right now. Not when their relationship had only existed for barely a day and they had only known each other for a month, maximum. Perhaps in a couple of weeks, or after dating Johnny for a few months. 

It was a scary thought, really, but the thought of finally sharing what had happened made Mark feel a bit lighter, made his chest feel less tight. He closed his eyes again and reached for his phone before opening them again and finding his calm playlist, teeth having already found his bottom lip. 

Donghyuck was going to walk into his room asking what Mark wanted for dinner soon enough, but for now Mark allowed himself to listen to the soft tunes of the music and to try and distract himself from everything going on around him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed! kudos and comments are always, always appreciated! 
> 
> u can find me on twitter linked down below or leave a nice message in my cc!!!


	10. In

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyo
> 
> here i am with chapter 10!!  
> i hope you all have the loveliest of days, even though this year has been shitty at best. 
> 
> x dani

“The thing _is_ , she clearly has no taste!” 

Mark raised an eyebrow as he sat down, putting his tray with his lunch down on the table in front of him. Jaemin didn’t even turn his head to acknowledge Mark, his vision trained on Ten as he continued talking. 

“Bu—”

“So now!” Jaemin interrupted Ten, holding one hand up. “We have to find a whole new scene! I’m telling you she is homophobic.” 

“Or,” Jeno protested from his seat, butting into the conversation after nodding at Mark as a greeting, “She wants you guys to play an actual scene, and not something the two of you fabricated.” 

Jaemin gasped, turning to look at Jeno with his eyes wide. “Millions of people agree with us.” 

“What is this about?” Mark whispered, leaning toward Renjun who was sitting next to him. Renjun snorted, shaking his head before taking a sip of whatever was in his cup. 

“Jaemin and Hendery are no longer allowed to play Draco and Harry.” Renjun whispered back, making Mark let out a soft chuckle.

“They’ve been working on that for weeks— what did they do?” Mark asked, taking the sandwich he had chosen from his tray. Mark wasn’t really that hungry, but he knew that Johnny would yell at him for not eating, nor would Ten agree, so Mark sighed and peeled off the plastic, taking a bite of the slightly stale bread. With how high their tuition is every year, Mark wondered if they couldn’t make the food taste any better. 

Renjun sighed, leaning his head back. Mark heard Jaemin and Jeno still bickering in the background, Ten keeping his mouth shut, and for a second Mark felt bad. Ten texted him the night before, apologizing for the lack of contact for Ten had had a bit of a bad day himself, and Mark knew that meant that Ten was exhausted today as well. “Apparently Hendery wanted to push the scene even more and that made the prof cancel the entire scene.” 

Mark scoffed. “What did he want to add?”

Renjun shrugged, shaking his head. “No idea, and I quite frankly don’t want to know.” 

Mark chuckled, because he understood. He turned back to look at the others at the table while nibbling on his sandwich, Jaemin’s rant not stopping until Ten shoved some food his way and sighed. “You could do a scene from the book Autoboyography.” 

Mark had heard of that book before — a love story between a mormon boy and a bisexual non-mormon boy— but he had never read it. Jaemin seemed to not know what Ten was talking about though, but with the way his eyes lit up he did seem interested. 

“Is it gay?” 

Ten scoffed, shaking his head before putting his iced tea down. “It is, yes.” 

“Good. I’ll suggest it to Hendery.” 

“Thank fuck.” Renjun said, putting his own cup down. Mark chuckled as he took yet another bite of his sandwich, and Jaemin just rolled his eyes at the two of them. 

“Donghyuck understood.” 

“Donghyuck is your boyfriend.” Mark said, finishing his bite. “He has learned how to tune you out.” 

“Oh fuck off.” Jaemin said, but Mark knew that they were fine when a small smile appeared on Jaemin’s face. 

Mark swallowed another bite before he put the sandwich down, and he turned to look at Ten. Ten had already been looking at him, to Mark’s great surprise, and before he could say anything Ten opened his mouth. “Had a good weekend, Mark?” 

Mark shifted in his seat, a slight blush appearing on his cheeks with the way Ten was looking at him, and he sighed. He could tell them about his conversation with Lucas — which, granted, was not what Ten was looking for, but Renjun was — or he could throw Johnny out there, and tell everyone around the table that he was no longer single and no longer a fifth wheel on the wagon. 

“Lucas and I talked.” 

Ten’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline, Renjun letting out a surprised gasp and Jeno turning in his seat. Jaemin didn’t look surprised, which was understandable for he had been in the living room when Lucas called, but Mark could feel his attention on him nonetheless. 

“Excuse me?” Renjun asked, his voice a pitch higher than usual. Mark closed his eyes, squeezing them tightly, before nodding. 

“You talked?” Ten exclaimed, clearly not very happy with it. Mark understood, though. After everything had settled down the night before, when Johnny facetimed him before Mark was supposed to fall asleep, it hit him how what he had done could have been dangerous. He didn’t know what Lucas was going to do, and Johnny had reminded him of that while they were on call. 

Mark shook the thought away, though, and instead tried to focus on his friends currently around the table. “We did. He apologized.” 

“Good.” Jeno stated. Mark watched Ten nod, still surprised, but Renjun only held Mark’s gaze as if waiting for him to say something else. Mark bit his lip, shifting in his seat under Renjun’s gaze, and he swallowed. 

“What did you say?” Jaemin asked, his voice quieter than it had been while discussing the whole drarry debacle. Mark loved his friends to his very core, and while he sometimes didn’t understand Jaemin and his passion for theatre, he appreciated him and his character. He could be a thunderstorm that would turn into a soft drizzle if you needed him to. 

Jaemin became a drizzle. 

Mark sighed. “I accepted it.” 

“You sound regretful.” Ten commented, pointing at Mark. Mark felt the hair on the back of his neck stand up straight, and he could feel his lip starting to sting from where Mark’s teeth pressed on an already tender spot, the flesh still sensitive from the last time Mark managed to draw blood. 

“I told him he was drunk.” 

“He knew that, didn’t he?” Renjun spoke, sitting up straight in his seat. “That’s not an excuse.” 

“That’s what he said, too.” Mark answered, turning to look at Renjun. 

“And he’s right!” Ten exclaimed, shaking his head. “Please don’t tell me you didn’t want to accept.” 

Mark swallowed, moving his gaze away from his friends to look at the table. His fingers found a spot underneath the table, picking at the sticker that someone had placed there, and he rolled his lip beneath his teeth.

“Oh my god Mark!” Jaemin said, voice louder once more. “Jesus christ.” 

Mark wanted to curl up. He had hoped his friends would be happy that he talked to Lucas, that they could now start inviting him out with their group and become friends with him, but Mark hadn’t expected them to focus on the part where he hadn’t wanted to accept the apology in the first place. 

He knew his friends were happy they talked, of course, but it felt bittersweet as Renjun eyed him with a sliver of anger in his eyes, making Mark look back down at the table. “That’s not important.” 

“Like hell it isn’t.” Jeno said, making Mark wince in his chair.

“Can we stop talking about this now? We talked, he apologized, I accepted and everything is fine now.” Mark said, pulling the sticker off of the back of the table, it now being stuck to his fingers. His sandwich was leff half uneaten on his tray, but Mark doubted he would gather enough appetite to eat again. 

His friends looked like they wanted to say more, but they kept quiet. Mark could feel the awkwardness of it settle down on his chest, and he wished he could go back to his dorm and crawl into bed while listening to some ASMR videos, but he had another lecture after lunch and he also didn’t want to leave his friends. 

“Have you heard anything from Johnny?” Ten then asked, taking a bite of his own food. Mark flushed at the thought of Johnny and how he couldn’t stop looking forward to Wednesday, when they were going to see each other again, and it made him feel like a little kid that was overly excited for Christmas to come. 

“They’re dating.” 

“Jaemin!” 

“Mark?!” Ten exclaimed, dropping his knife onto his tray with wide eyes. Mark winced, Ten’s voice far too loud in the already loud dining hall, and he suddenly wished for the ground to swallow him whole. He knew that Ten’s voice had probably alerted some of the students sitting at the tables next to them, but Mark didn’t want to go and check. He didn’t want to know whether others were looking at him. “Since when?” 

“Two days ago, you idiot!” Mark hissed, not wanting Ten to feel like Mark didn’t want to tell him. Mark wanted to tell Ten, he really did, and he would have called Ten yesterday if Lucas hadn’t requested to talk to Mark or if Ten had been having a bit of a better day. 

Ten sat back in his seat, his shoulders slouching, and his frown turned into a small smile. “That’s wonderful Mark.” 

“You sounded like you wanted to murder him just now, Tennie.” Jaemin said, making Jeno snort. 

Mark turned to both Jeno and Renjun, who didn’t look half as surprised as Mark had expected them to look, and Renjun caught his eye. “Donghyuck told us.” 

Mark rolled his eyes because of course his best friend and roommate had given in to Renjun’s constant whining and curiosity. Mark couldn’t really blame Donghyuck for it, for Renjun kept on begging and asking if he wanted to know something. And he always succeeded.

“No, Donghyuck told you. And then you told me.” Jeno butted in, taking the last sip of his drink before putting the cup down on the table. Mark raised an eyebrow, but before he could say anything Ten let out a gasp. 

“And nobody bothered to tell me?! To tell me and Kun?!” 

Mark shook his head apogoleptically, the tension leaving his shoulders after seeing Ten with a small smile on his face still. “You’re not the last ones to know. I haven’t told Doyoung and Jaehyun, yet.” 

Jeno let out a cough from his side of the table, bending his head down, and Mark groaned. “You told them, didn’t you?”

“I may have.” Jeno said, raising his head to look at Mark with his puppy eyes that he knows Mark could never say mad at. 

“Christ. And you all call yourselves my friends.” Ten said, folding his arms over his chest just as Mark’s alarm rang, signalizing that he needed to leave if he wanted to make it on time to his lecture. 

“Love you, Tennie.” Mark said, standing up. His sandwich was still laying on his tray and his drink was half empty, but Mark ignored that in favor of waving his startled friends goodbye before rushing out of the dining hall and through the campus corridors. 

A tiny portion of himself wished he could have told his friends himself. Mark would have loved to see the smile on Jeno and Renjun’s face after he told them, but Mark supposed that they deserved to know as soon as the first one of their friends knew. 

Mark sighed to himself as he slowed his step down to a regular walk, the students already in the corridors making it impossible for him to keep on walking fast. Mark wondered who Johnny already told about them, if he told anyone to begin with. The bigger part of Mark wouldn’t have told anyone, if he were Johnny, but if Mark were to tell Johnny that Johnny would throw a fit. 

It was an image that made Mark smile as he walked through the door into the classroom he would be spending the next hour and a half in, and when he sat down he could see a text from Johnny illuminating his phone screen. 

Mark threw himself onto his bed with a loud groan leaving his lips, dropping his bag to the side of his bed. He couldn’t even bring himself to worry about his laptop in his backpack, his mind far too muddled and tired to even think about things like that. Mark wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and go to sleep for a while, but he knew he couldn’t.

Jongin had been waiting for a phone call from him, and Mark knew that he couldn’t cancel one of their phone calls again. He did that on Saturday, when he was at Johnny’s apartment. If Mark knew his brother even a little bit, Jongin wanted to know all about that. 

Before Mark could move his head from his pillow, he heard his phone ringing from where it was in his back pocket, and he sighed to himself. 

“Hello, this is Mark Lee speaking.” He said into the phone, laying back down after struggling to get his phone out of his skinny jeans. His eyes were trained on the ceiling, and Mark supposed he should put something on there, given how often he stared at it. 

“ _Mark!_ ” Jongin’s voice was loud in Mark’s ear, the silence of his room around him allowing Jongin’s voice to sound even louder than usual, and Mark groaned before putting the phone down on the mattress and turning the speakerphone on. 

“You’re lucky I just got home.” 

“ _It’s my lucky day, then. How were your lectures?_ ” Mark honestly didn’t feel like telling Jongin all about his boring lectures and how, for the seventh time this month, Mark doubted his choice of major once more, so he just closed his eyes and swallowed before opening his mouth. 

“They were alright. A bit boring.” 

Mark could hear Jongin sigh on the other side of the line, and he winced. “ _You always say that. Do you even like history anymore?_ ” 

Mark wanted to say that yes, he did still like history, but that would have been an outright lie. Mark hadn’t particularly liked his subjects for a while now, but he figured he should just keep going and see where everything goes. 

“I do. Some classes are just boring.” 

Jongin let out a noise Mark couldn’t quite place before he heard some shuffling, Jongin most likely moving around to get comfortable. Mark wished he could just go to sleep or use the excuse of doing homework, but that had never worked with Jongin. 

“ _Alright, if you say so. How have you been?_ ” 

Mark sighed. He could tell Jongin about Johnny, could share that he had finally found a partner, a someone to grow with and love, but he decided against that. He could share that the memories of Daniel had become more and more prominent ever since talking to Lucas the day before, but Mark doubted Jongin would want to hear that. 

Jongin had never known about Daniel, anyway. He knew Mark dated someone through high school, but he had never known who it was and what had happened during those times. Nobody knew except Mark and Daniel himself, but Mark doubted that Daniel would ever think about those times again. 

“I’ve been alright. It’s been busy at school for the past few weeks, but that’s no surprise.” Mark said, hoping it would be an answer enough to satisfy Jongin. 

By the sigh that Jongin let out, Mark doubted it. “ _That’s it? You’ve been busy? How are your friends doing, then?_ ” 

Mark sighed in relief. He could talk about his friends without sharing too personal of stories that he felt guilty, and so he told Jongin about how Ten had officially moved in with Kun, that Jeno and Renjun had finally gotten their shit together and ended up dating, and that Jaemin’s idea of a Drarry scene had been rejected for one of his classes. 

By the time Mark was finished with his stories, Jongin had shared a few of Chanyeol and him, about what life in Los Angeles was like at the moment, and while Mark felt the slightest pang in his chest at some of the things Jongin mentioned — like his favorite restaurant that Mark absolutely loved — he knew that he wouldn’t go back to Los Angeles for a while. 

“Have you heard anything from mom about Thanksgiving?” Mark asked after a while, a question he had wanted to ask ever since he heard Jongin’s voice. Jongin groaned on the other side of the line before Mark could hear him put something down, and Mark felt his chest close up. 

“ _Mom texted me saying that I’m welcome, if I want to be._ ” 

“Are you going?” Mark felt his chest tighten and his throat close up at the thought of Jongin going to see their parents, their screams and insults directed at Jongin still ringing in his ears, and Mark bit his lip. “Because it would be okay if you wanted to. You don’t have to think about me.” 

“ _Are you insane, Mark? Why would I want to visit those two?_ ” Mark felt a rush of relief at Jongin’s words, his voice louder than Mark wanted it to be in his quiet room but he didn’t mind. He just wished he could see Jongin’s face, could gauge his reaction. Mark knew that Jongin was a phenomenal liar if he wanted to be, and so his voice gave nothing away. 

“I just — if you want to go I just don’t want you to think that you can’t because of me.” 

“ _Yeah, no. I would rather spend Thanksgiving with a pile of shit in my hallway, Mark. They ruined everything for both me and you._ ” Jongin said, his voice firm and resolute. It made something in Mark feel a little more relaxed, a little less stressed, and he sighed. 

“Okay, I’m sorry man.” Mark whispered, turning to look at where his phone was still laying on his mattress. Notifications were coming in, his phone screen lighting up every so often with his friends’ groupchat and Instagram notifications, and he sighed. He really, really wanted to go to sleep and not think for a while, but Mark knew that Johnny was going to be off in a bit and he wanted to talk to him, too. 

“ _It’s alright. They haven’t contacted you, have they?_ ” Despite Jongin’s talk, Mark knew that not having his parents hurt, a lot. Mark felt it, too. Whenever he heard Donghyuck speak on the phone with his mother, he would feel this envy, this need and want to have that, too. It hurt to know that his parents threw him away because of something he couldn’t control. 

“No, they haven’t. Dad gave me money a couple days ago, but that’s it.” 

Jongin scoffed, and Mark knew that he was shaking his head, too. “ _Buy yourself something nice with that, yeah_?” 

“Yeah, I will.” Mark wasn’t going to buy himself something nice with that, but Jongin didn’t need to know that or else he would worry, and that was something Mark didn’t want. 

“ _I need to go now. I have a shoot in like an hour and—_ “

“LA traffic, I know. Good luck on your shoot, Jongin.” 

Jongin sighed from the other side of the line while Mark heard him shuffle around, and he turned onto his back again, the ceiling greeting him like an old friend. “ _Thanks, Markie. Take care of yourself, yeah_?” 

Mark nodded to himself, knowing full well that Jongin couldn’t see it. “Will do.” 

When the line inevitably went dead, Mark was left with the silence around him. Donghyuck wouldn’t be home for another two hours or so, and Mark didn’t want to hang-out with any of his friends. They had other things to do, anyway, and Mark barely had any energy left. 

He hadn’t been able to relax much on Sunday, especially after Lucas and him had their conversation, and so Mark still felt like his body was a tight wire just waiting to be snapped in half, taken apart piece by piece and never to be put together again. 

He could feel the tension in his shoulders, the slight ache in his stomach making itself clear, and Mark bit his lip. The skin was still sensitive, still an angry red, and Mark feared that he had bitten his lips enough to never allow that to fade. He would grow old with damaged lips, but if that was all the damage he would do to himself over the years, Mark counted that as a win. 

It wasn’t an especially dark day, so Mark’s thoughts didn’t wander to the depths of his mind where never wanted them to go, but a fleeting doubt entered his brain. Mark sighed and shook his head, trying to shake it off, but it clinged to his brain like hot glue to a wall, and Mark was left wondering how on earth he was supposed to live seventy more years like this. 

With the constant self-hatred, the never ending negative thoughts and the only people keeping him here being his friends and now Johnny. Mark wondered if, down the line, these things would still be enough to keep him here, or if their strength would fade as everyone grew older and started their own families, their own lives after college. 

Mark knew that Ten and Kun wanted kids. He hadn’t heard Renjun and Jeno about it, but Mark knew they would be great parents if they wanted to be. Donghyuck and Jaemin didn’t seem like the type to raise children but Mark could never be too sure and Jaehyun and Doyoung’s relationship was still far too fresh to worry about such things, but Mark knew that down the line they would all go on with their lives and Mark would remain stuck in a never-ending cycle of regret. 

Regretting the day he allowed for Daniel to sit next to him in math class, when it wasn’t Mark’s strong point to begin with. Allowing Daniel to slither into Mark’s life with such ease and tear apart every single ounce of self-confidence Mark had managed to build up throughout his years of living. It hadn’t been much to begin with, his parents a constant reminder that he could always do better, that he should do better, but it had been a start. 

And Daniel had made sure that nothing was left before dropping Mark like a pile of garbage on the side of the street. 

Daniel had never seen Mark’s home, had never set foot in the sanctuary that used to be Mark’s bedroom at home, and yet Daniel had managed to strip Mark off of anything and everything he could get his hands on. Mark had allowed himself to be vulnerable with Daniel, and he regretted it every single day. 

Mark was still scared, scared that he had Johnny now. That Johnny was so open, so easy to talk to and so comfortable to be around despite the fact that an alarm went off in Mark’s head every time the taller touched him. Johnny was the exact opposite of what he was used to, of what he was grown up to believe as ‘right’ and Mark didn’t know how to deal with that. 

He grew up with silent hallways, his parents fighting every night and the constant fear of messing up. Mark lived in his own bedroom and never ventured out much, only to have their forced family dinner on Sundays, and Mark had never known a pet on the head for passing one of his tests. 

Mark was scared that Johnny would do the same, after finding out what happened to Mark, but he also knew, deep down, that Johnny wasn’t like that. That Johnny knew what could hurt a person, traumatize them and how that changed a person. It was part of his degree, after all, but Mark worried that because of that, Johnny would see him as nothing more than a patient, someone he could take care of and then leave behind. 

Mark groaned, rubbing his face with one of his hands before reaching out for his phone, and loading up Spotify and turning on one of his playlists. The sound wasn’t as good as when Mark connected his phone to his speakers, but Mark found himself unable to find any motivation to get up from his bed. 

He didn’t have a lot of schoolwork to do, not anything for tomorrow at least, and so he allowed himself to lay in bed and listen to the music as the minutes passed by, the ghost of hands on his hips that he didn’t want to be there making goosebumps appear on his skin. Donghyuck would come home soon and barge into Mark’s room to ask what they were going to do for dinner, but for now Mark listened to the soft tunes of his music and tried to fight off the tears. 

Johnny called him just after dinner, when Mark walked back into his room with his phone in hand and an order from Donghyuck that laundry day was going to be this weekend and that Mark should organize his dirty laundry if he wanted Donghyuck to do his laundry, too. 

And Mark really was going to focus on the laundry, he really was, but the second he saw Johnny’s name appear on screen he couldn’t think of anything else to do for the rest of the night except for talk to Johnny. 

Mark sat down at his desk, balancing his phone against his turned off monitor as Johnny materialized on his screen, the internet a little bit laggy. Mark could feel a smile spread across his face despite the fact that his throat felt like it was closing up, the guilt of keeping Johnny a secret from Jongin catching up to him. 

Mark tried to swallow it down, though, his desire to talk to Johnny far greater than his own feelings, for he hadn’t seen Johnny since Saturday. And, for some odd reason, that seemed like way far too long to go without seeing him. What Mark really wanted to do was take the next train over and cuddle with Johnny on his couch, but Mark knew that Johnny would stop him from doing just that, the sky already pitch black and less people on the street. 

“ _You look tired_.” Johnny said, his head barely on the screen. Mark could hear him rustle around and guessed Johnny was looking for something, and he sighed. Johnny was right; if he looked as tired as he felt, Mark must have looked like an absolute nightmare. 

“Thanks,” He answered, letting out a breathy chuckle to let Johnny know that Mark wasn’t offended. “Today was exhausting.” 

And Mark was speaking the truth, he really was. The classes were starting to wear down on him no matter how hard he tried to enjoy them, and Mark was really starting to wonder whether this major was the right choice for him. The thought of dropping it, though, or changing majors made Mark’s skin crawl. 

“ _Classes or something else_?” Johnny asked, his face back on Mark’s screen. Mark watched as Johnny opened one of his own textbooks, and he sighed. 

“Both. We talked about Russia in the seventeenth century and lunch — well, that was its own thing.” Mark said, instantly feeling guilty for making it sound like he didn’t enjoy his friends’ company when he did. Sitting alone at lunch had always been something Mark feared, which led to him hanging out with the wrong crowd in high school just so he wouldn’t be alone, so he was eternally grateful for having good friends to sit with during lunch. Sometimes, though, his friends were exhausting to be around. 

“ _What did Russia even do in the seventeenth century?_ ” Johnny asked, raising his eyebrow. Mark scoffed, shaking his head. 

“A whole lot I can’t even remember.” Mark was once again speaking the truth because he had not remembered anything from today’s lecture, and it sucked. It meant that he would have to look through the presentation on the syllabus, and Mark really wasn’t looking forward to that. 

“ _Not important, then. What happened during lunch_?” Mark wanted to ask how Johnny’s day was, for he really didn’t want to talk about himself, but Johnny had quickly picked up on that even when they had been just friends, and never allowed for Mark to change the subject when they were talking about him. 

Mark sighed, rubbing at his eyes at the memory of Ten’s face when he found out that Mark and Johnny were dating. “Well, for starters, Jaemin was pissed off at his professor. Secondly, I told Ten, Renjun and Jeno about us, and Ten was shocked at best.” 

Mark didn’t mention that Jaemin had been the one to break the news, or that Renjun and Jeno had already learned about their relationship through Donghyuck, but he didn’t care. Mark watched as Johnny smiled at him, and that was all that mattered. 

“ _What did they say_?” 

“Ten was shocked but excited. Renjun and Jeno just — they told me they were happy for me but also that it took long enough.” 

Johnny scoffed, shaking his head. “ _They’re ones to talk_.” 

Mark giggled, “That’s what I said!” 

Johnny grew silent after that, and Mark bit his lip. Perhaps he shouldn’t have told his friends just yet, perhaps Johnny hadn’t wanted him to and was trying to figure out a way to say that nicely without hurting Mark’s feelings. Mark didn’t want Johnny to feel like he had to walk on grass every single time they talked about something. He hated the thought of it. 

“ _I hope you don’t mind, but I also told some friends._ ” 

Mark felt his heart skip in his chest, his eyes widening. He hadn’t seen that one coming, at all. For some reason he had expected for Johnny to stay quiet about them, to not tell anyone for a while. Mark wasn’t anything special, so it was shocking to hear that Johnny wanted people to know that they were dating. 

“I don’t mind!” Mark hurried to reply, his voice cracking. “Who did you tell?” 

Johnny chuckled, “ _I told Taeil and Sehun, naturally. And Doyoung — I know he’s your friend too, but he was on my ass all day today during lectures. Yuta — do you remember them? — we were talking about the project we did during our class together and they asked about you when you texted me, so I told them as well._ ” 

Mark felt an inch of relief flood through him at the knowledge that Johnny hadn’t told his parents just yet, but he didn’t let it show. Instead, he allowed his smile to grow bigger at the sheer amount of people that Johnny had told about them. Johnny seemed content with it, too, a casual smile on his face as he looked back down at his textbook and scribbled something down, and Mark was surprised to realize that he felt the same. 

“That explains the texts Doyoung sent while I was having dinner.” Mark answered. Doyoung had spammed him during dinner but Mark hadn’t opened the messages just yet, but now that he knew that Johnny had told him, it explained it a little bit. 

Johnny chuckled, “ _Yeah sorry about that_.” 

Mark shook his head, laughing. “How was your day?” 

Mark listened as Johnny dove head first into a story about his day, how one of his professors had given him great tips when it came to starting a business that Johnny would remember for sure, and how Johnny had called his parents as well. Mark listened to Johnny talk about how his mother had already begged to put the Christmas tree up when Thanksgiving hadn’t even happened yet, and how his father had rejected her wishes and compromised by putting a wreath on the door instead. 

It was wholesome and Mark could tell from the simple story that Johnny’s parents were warm, loving people and that they were very fond of one another. It was so different from how Mark grew up, it nearly startled him. 

“I called my brother today.” Mark confessed when Johnny was done with the story about how his parents were doing, and Johnny hummed. With Johnny’s talk about family, Mark felt like he had to share something about his own, as well. 

“ _How is he_?”

Johnny didn’t know much about Jongin, for Mark hadn’t really talked about him at length with him, and no matter how guilty Mark felt about it, Jongin was someone in the spotlights with his modeling work, and so one google search would also expose Mark and who his parents were, and that was the last thing he wanted. 

Mark’s friends knew he had a brother, too, but that was it. While Jongin knew all about Mark’s friends, they barely knew anything about him. 

“He’s doing well — he’s celebrating Thanksgiving with his boyfriend.” Mark hoped that Johnny wouldn’t ask about his parents, that he wouldn’t wonder why Mark wouldn’t be going home to celebrate such a holiday with his mother and father, but all Johnny did was raise an eyebrow before turning back to his school work. 

A comfortable silence blanketed them after that, which made Mark focus on his own homework while still having Johnny somewhat next to him. It was nice and such a stark difference from Daniel, and Mark loved it. With Daniel he would sometimes go days without contact, while Johnny was adamant on at least texting during the day, and even calling Mark whenever he felt like it. 

It was wonderful to have someone like that, who even did that when they had just been friends, and Mark felt like he didn’t deserve any of it. 

He couldn’t exactly explain why he felt like he didn’t deserve it, but the way Johnny looked at him made Mark feel guilty. The way Johnny treated him made him feel all sorts of happiness, of course, but there was this small part of him that deemed himself unworthy of such attention, and Mark couldn’t explain why. 

Because, if his friends were treated like Johnny treated him, Mark would be happy for them. He wouldn’t say that they didn’t deserve it or that they need to leave, but Mark couldn’t apply that same philosophy to himself without feeling like an absolute fool. 

Mark could hear Donghyuck talking in his room, probably playing a game Mark wouldn’t know the name of, and Johnny’s breathing echoed through the quietness of his own room. Mark didn’t really mind it, as long as the sound of Johnny never left. 

It was comforting to look up from his books and have Johnny sat there, even though it was only digitally. Both of them were doing their own thing, working on their own assignments, and yet Mark felt like they were doing it together. 

Mark had always looked at how much time Jaemin and Donghyuck spent together and wondered how they could possibly do that without getting sick of each other, so far into their relationship, and now Mark felt like he sort of understood. Because whenever Jaemin was over at their place, it wasn’t like Donghyuck was with him constantly.

They both did their own things but still together, and perhaps that was something that Mark had never understood. Or had taken the time to understand.

It had only been three days with Johnny, if Mark counted Saturday, and yet he had learned so much already. It was terrifying to have someone in his life that Mark had to be vulnerable to at one point or the other, but Mark found himself also feeling excited. The giddiness he felt when he first met Johnny was still there, but now it showed itself when Johnny smiled at him, or when Johnny reached out to hold his hand. The things Johnny could do to Mark were endless when it came to their relationship and while that thought itself was horrifying, Mark knew that deep down, Johnny would never hurt him. 

Mark shook his head, trying to focus back on his school work in front of him, and he could hear Johnny let out a soft chuckle before silence fell once more. Mark didn’t mind it. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAAAH
> 
> kudos and comments are always, always appreciated. I love you all very much 
> 
> [feel free to say hello on twitter!](https://twitter.com/softyjseo)  
> [or leave a message in my cc! (be nice, though)](https://curiouscat.me/softyjseo)


	11. Johnny

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello everyone!! enjoy <3 I hope you'll have a lovely day

“Hey _Johnny_!” 

Mark whipped his head around as subtly as he could manage at the mention of Johnny’s name, effectively breaking apart from the conversation he had been having with Ten next to his already decorated christmas tree. 

They barely passed the two week mark in November and Thanksgiving was right around the corner, but Ten simply couldn’t care any less about it all. He loved Christmas, loved the way Americans celebrated it with big trees, big dinners and even bigger presents. Mark had seen the pictures Kun had sent in their groupchat, the tree decorated with beautiful baby blue and white balls, and to Mark it looked straight out of one of those living magazines. 

Mark watched as Doyoung walked into the hallway leading to the front door, leaving Mark’s line of sight, and he sighed. “Earth to Mark?” 

Mark turned his head back around to be met with Ten with one raised eyebrow, perfectly shaped, and a small pout on his face. Mark knew that it was fake, had seen it many, many times before, but he always felt guilty when Ten used it. Even though he knew Ten only used that particular pout as a joke. “Sorry bro, you were saying?” 

Ten chuckled, shaking his head. “I was saying that Kun ordered one of those electrical trains with a trail under the tree! Our Christmas cards are going to look beautiful.” 

Mark’s eyes widened. “You’re doing Christmas cards?” 

Ten rolled his eyes, as if the answer had been obvious and right in front of Mark all this time, and nodded. “Of course! I’m going to take some pictures of the tree in Rockefeller when they’re putting it up and our little train! You will all be getting one.” 

Mark merely smiled, nodding his head. “All right, cool! Can’t wait to have a Ten original.” 

Before Ten could reply, Mark felt an arm snake around his waist. He flinched slightly, earning himself another eyebrow raise from Ten but not in a playful way this time, before he relaxed into the touch. “A Ten original? Am I getting one?” 

Johnny had intertwined with Mark’s friend group flawlessly. He seemed to be in contact with several of them even without Mark being around, and while Mark knew that they could be talking about him behind closed doors, he was happier about the fact that his friends were getting along with someone Mark was pretty serious about. Perhaps pretty serious was too big of a word, considering Johnny and him were still quite fresh, but Mark felt like if he had to spend a day without talking to Johnny he would crumble. 

Mark had only spoken to Johnny’s friends a handful of times. Sehun had sent a direct message on Instagram, sparking a somewhat awkward conversation due to Mark’s lack of social skills, and Mark had been present during one of Johnny and Taeil’s skype calls. Mark had met Kyungsoo, Johnny’s roommate, while visiting Johnny, but Kyungsoo hadn’t been the talkative type. Mark knew he was nice though, if Johnny’s stories were anything to go by, but Mark wouldn’t say he had made friends with any of Johnny’s friends just yet. 

Ten huffed, “If you’re nice, maybe.” 

Johnny chuckled, and it vibrated through Mark’s chest. He felt Johnny’s lips touch his cheeks briefly and he smiled, his heart beating quickly in his chest but his shoulders relaxing. “I’ll be on my best behaviour, then.” 

“Good. I’m getting a drink— do you guys want anything?” 

Mark shook his head, raising his glass of Sprite into view, making Ten nod at him before turning his head to Johnny. “I’ll have a beer, if you have any.” 

“Of course we do.” Ten answered him before walking off. Before Mark could turn around and make eye-contact with his boyfriend he hadn’t seen for the past three days, Johnny turned him around himself and placed a kiss against Mark’s forehead, making heat creep up his cheeks. 

“How are you feeling?” 

Mark wanted to roll his eyes and evade the question, but he knew he couldn’t. Mark had FaceTimed Johnny the night before, after finishing a bit of his homework, while he knew he didn’t look the best. And Johnny had noticed, immediately. Johnny was easily worried, far easier than any of Mark’s friends grew worried, but Mark supposed that came with the trade Johnny had studied. 

And it was a natural thing for him, too. Over the past few weeks Mark had noticed that Johnny was quite the nurturing, caring person, and always made sure everyone around him was doing okay. Mark could relate to that, to an extent, because he always tried to make sure everyone was comfortable. Although, Johnny and him did it extremely differently. Mark couldn’t exactly explain how, but he just knew. 

“I’m tired, honestly, but that can’t be helped.” Johnny frowned down at Mark, but Mark just shrugged. 

“It could, if you would sleep.” 

“Oh you’re one to talk.” Mark scoffed, taking a sip of his Sprite. Johnny just chuckled, shaking his head. Mark’s sleeping schedule wasn’t the best, but Johnny was by no means any better at all. Sometimes, Mark received a text at four am from a very sleep deprived Johnny, before he would then pass out. “How are you?” 

Johnny scoffed, shaking his head. “Alright, we’ll talk about it later. Yuta says hello, by the way.” 

Mark smiled, nodding. Yuta had sort of become Johnny’s college friend. Mark really didn’t know what to call them, considering Johnny and Yuta never really hung out outside of campus, but Mark was glad Johnny seemed to have someone to talk to other than Doyoung. 

“They also recommended this Japanese movie we should check out.” Mark hummed, raising an eyebrow. 

“We can watch it on sunday!” 

Mark was going over to Johnny’s apartment on Sunday to spend the day, bringing his laptop and some of his schoolwork along, and he was more than excited and couldn’t wait for time to pass faster than it already was. 

Because it was. Time was passing by so fast Mark felt like he could barely keep up with it all. Thanksgiving was in less than a week, December finals were right around the corner and Ten and Kun even had their Christmas tree already standing loud and proud. Mark felt like he wasn’t spending his time well, felt like he was wasting each and every passing day, but he couldn’t really do anything to change it. 

Johnny always managed to slow down time, however, and for that Mark was grateful. He allowed his gaze to travel across the room while Johnny talked about the movie Yuta had suggested, and Mark felt his chest warm up a little bit. 

Jeno and Renjun were in a deep conversation with Doyoung and Jaehyun while Jaemin and Donghyuck sat next to them, Kun now across from them and listening to the two talk with a smile on his face. Mark knew that Ten was still in the kitchen, but the scenery in the living room made his heart grow just the smallest bit. 

Johnny had taken his hand in his, caressing the skin of Mark’s palm, and Mark noticed that for the first time, he didn’t feel entirely out of place. He could still feel the self-doubt itching at the corner of his brain, taking hold of Mark’s thoughts and trying its best to spin them around, to warp the words Johnny was speaking to him and turn them into things that would make Mark collapse when he arrived back in his bedroom, but he tried hard to fight them. 

He now had somebody, and while Mark knew that he never needed somebody to belong with his friends, to be part of the group they had created from mismatched students and old friendships that blossomed into much more, it was nice to have someone there with him, holding his hand while Mark watched the other couples in the room do the same thing. 

He used to hate it, when Daniel took all of his attention away, because Mark had never managed to do that for him like Daniel had done so many times to Mark. But Mark knew that with Johnny he could just as easily take Johnny’s attention away from whatever was going on, just like Johnny could with him. 

Johnny made him feel like he was an equal, and despite the fact that they hadn’t been together for long and there was a lot that still terrified Mark to his very core, and things he had to tell Johnny with the doubt that Johnny could leave him because of it, Mark felt comfortable around him in different ways from how he felt comfortable around his friends. 

Johnny was just— different. And Mark liked it. 

Mark was pulled out of his trance while listening to Johnny by Ten walking back into the living room, holding three bottles of beer in one hand and a wine glass in the other. “So— are we doing boardgames?” 

Mark felt like a ton of bricks had suddenly been dropped on top of his chest, keeping him rooted to his mattress, and he closed his eyes with a frustrated groan. His entire body felt like it was sinking into the mattress inch by inch, his arms feeling like lead and stuck to the bed. 

It wasn’t a hangover, Mark knew that, because he didn’t drink at all the night before. Donghyuck, Jaemin and him had spent the evening playing games on an old Wii Donghyuck had purchased second handed, and it had been a blast. Mark lost with bowling to Jaemin four times before they called it a day, and Mark knew that Jaemin was still in their dorm, most likely sleeping soundly next to Donghyuck. 

They had nowhere to go, as far as Mark knew, but Mark had somewhere to go. Johnny would be waiting for him at around twelve, and Mark wished he could just get out of bed and get ready like a normal person. Instead, though, Mark felt rooted to his bed on a day that was supposed to be a fun thing, something to make his week end on a good note, and it annoyed him to no end. 

Johnny would be waiting for him, and Mark wasn’t even sure if he could get out of bed. He turned his head, trying to find his phone without having to make himself move, and he found it on the pillow next to him. With a sluggish hand, Mark reached over to take the phone, turning it on. The brightness of the screen made Mark wince, clenching his eyes shut and he swallowed. 

“Fuck.” Mark cursed into his empty room as the fact that it was already ten o’ clock screamed back in his face. Back when he hadn’t been dating Johnny, Mark spent his sundays catching up to things he couldn’t do during the week, or trying his hardest to relax and charge back up for the new week ahead. With Johnny now, though, Mark’s sundays are usually spent watching movies on Johnny’s couch, going out for lunch with him or simply being with each other, even if the two of them are both doing their own work instead of focusing on one another. 

Mark liked his new version of sundays, he really did, but sometimes he wished he could shrug on a hoodie and a pair of joggers and sit on his bed, watching shows and drinking hot chocolate as he dreaded the upcoming week for the entirety of his sunday. And while Mark had felt guilty during those types of sundays because other students were busting their asses at their part-time jobs or working hard on their assignments, Mark could charge up. 

And while Johnny charged Mark up as well, it was different. It had taken a few times of Mark visiting Johnny at his place for Mark to grow comfortable, for him to feel like he could truly relax in the space that Johnny called home. 

Mark sighed to himself once more, clutching his eyes closed before rushing to sit up before his body could stop him. Instantly Mark felt the urge to lay back down, but he tried to shake that off as hard as he could. He wanted to see his boyfriend, and his stupid temptation to stay in bed all day wasn’t going to stop him. 

He felt exhausted as he moved to the edge of his bed, swinging his legs across. Mark sat there on the edge, kicking one of his feet before flexing his arms and pushing himself up and off of the bed. Mark instantly felt cold, a shiver running down his spine, and he shook his shoulders as he tried to stand straight. 

Mark felt ridiculous. There were people in the world that got up at four am every morning, people who had the most horrible types of jobs and still went to work everyday. Mark saw homeless people on the street every day, and yet here Mark was, complaining about his own life. 

He felt like he had no right to complain, even though his parents pretended not to know him besides from the monthly deposits they transferred to his bank account. Mark had a roof over his head, had friends and could eat every single day, no matter what. There were people who didn’t have that, and so Mark felt pathetic just thinking about how he couldn’t perform such a simple task as getting his ass out of bed. 

Mark didn’t have the energy to put a lot of thought into his outfit, so he grabbed the first hoodie he could find out of his closet before putting on a pair of jeans, spraying a bit of deodorant before taking his bag and walking out of his room. He didn’t have to take the train just yet, but Mark knew that Johnny would yell at him if he showed up to his apartment without having had breakfast first. 

Johnny seemed to have a good schedule, despite the fact that his sleeping schedule could be all over the place on some days. Mark wished he could keep himself to such a schedule, but on some days it was just easier to ‘forget’ about food and just keep himself focused on getting through the day at all. But, with Johnny’s help, Mark found himself eating his meals better, even if Johnny had never consciously tried to get Mark to eat. 

Mark threw some cereal in a bowl before opening the fridge and taking out some milk. He really didn’t like cereal all that much, especially not the too sugary ones, but Donghyuck preferred the ones that basically consisted of only sugar, and Mark hadn’t even tried to fight Donghyuck on it. 

Mark ate his meal standing over the breakfast bar. He knew that if he sat down, he wouldn’t be able to get back up again for a while. Scrolling through Instagram took up much less energy than taking the train down to Johnny’s apartment did, so Mark found the decision quite tempting, but he knew that he couldn’t do that. Johnny would come over if he noticed that Mark wasn’t coming to his place, after all. 

Besides, despite the fact that Mark’s body wanted nothing more than to head back to bed right away, Mark really wanted to see Johnny. Johnny had texted him that he had found the movie Yuta had suggested the night before, and while Mark knew little to nothing about Japanese indie films, he was quite excited to just spent his sunday laying next to Johnny as he tried, and failed, to keep up with a plot from a movie he didn’t know.

That was also something Johnny had changed, Mark realized as he munched on his soggy cereal. Before, Mark could never watch new movies or shows without having checked the summary or what happens in the movie scene by scene, because he would get too stressed watching it, wondering what was going to happen. That was exactly why Mark had watched Friends up to ten times, and Tangled nearly thirty times. He called them comfort movies when his friends asked, but Mark truly felt a rush of anxiety every time someone offered to watch a movie he had never heard of or seen before. 

It was a ridiculous thing, Mark knew, and so he was grateful for the fact that Johnny had somehow managed to change that for him. Mark still felt nervous at the thought of having to watch a movie without knowing what was going to happen, but he also knew that having Johnny around him was going to help with his anxiety as they watched. 

Mark hoped Johnny would cuddle him again, would wrap his arms around Mark and hold him close. Perhaps even allow Mark to play with his fingers, if Mark played his cards right. 

Mark put his bowl away in the sink before shrugging his backpack on, walking straight out of the dorm without a look back. 

Mark allowed Johnny to pull him closer. It had become a habit of some sorts. Mark didn’t have to say anything for Johnny to notice something was off, to know what Mark needed. Mark was easy to please, in that sense, because a hug could make his entire crappy day fade into the background, a blur of emotions Mark no longer felt within Johnny’s arms, even for a little while.

The knowledge that those emotions would return sooner or later made Mark’s skin crawl, but he ignored it. What Johnny and him had was still fresh, regardless of what Johnny could already tell without Mark having to mutter a word, and Mark didn’t want to ruin it.

He let Johnny guide him to the couch, cleaning up a few magazines that Kyungsoo must have been reading before Mark had barged in and Kyungsoo had left in a hurry. If it wasn’t for the fact that Kyungsoo had given Mark the quickest of nods before walking out, Mark would have thought Kyungsoo hated him.

Mark sat down, immediately missing the weight of Johnny’s arms around him. He bit his lip, though, and scrunched his nose to get his glasses back in place. It didn’t help his blurred vision, though. He couldn’t focus on anything, and Mark felt like he was numb.

Johnny came into view and if Mark hadn’t known the man was still in the room with him, he would have probably jumped out of his own skin. He felt Johnny’s hand on his shoulder before he felt soft lips kiss his cheek, not quite reaching his mouth, but just enough to snap Mark back into somewhat action.

“Baby?” Mark felt the warmth of that nickname wash over him like a wave, reminding him of how Jongin used to wash his hair for him in the bath when he was younger. He nodded, hoping Johnny would take it as an answer. He felt the couch dip beside him and Johnny’s thigh pressed against his own. Suddenly, Mark’s focus point was the warmth Johnny radiated. “Are you feeling alright?” 

Mark nodded, biting his lip. Johnny frowned, but before he could say something Mark opened his mouth. “Just very tired.” 

“A sleeping kind of tired or a body kind of tired?” Johnny asked, allowing Mark to rest his head on his shoulder. Mark wished Johnny wouldn’t worry so much, that they could just turn on the movie like a normal couple. Mark felt guilty for worrying Johnny as much as he did, even if some nights his mind told him that Johnny never worried for Mark didn’t truly deserve it. Those were mixed emotions and both were, for some reason, accurate to how Mark felt. He couldn’t really explain it without making zero sense, and so he didn’t try. Johnny wouldn’t have understood, anyway. 

Mark hummed, closing his eyes. “A body kind of tired.” 

Mark hated that Johnny worried, but he felt comfortable enough to share how he felt. Johnny worried, but it was a different sort of worry that Mark had never felt before. His friends worried, sure, but they were loud. For example, if Mark had told Donghyuck that his body felt exhausted, Donghyuck would have forced him back into bed. Ten would have understood with his own experiences and all, but even Ten’s worry was different to Johnny’s. 

“Well — you won’t have to do anything today.” Johnny said. Mark felt Johnny’s hand on his thigh before it moved up to take one of Mark’s hand into his own, and he felt heat spread across his face. “We will just watch the movie, alright?” 

Mark hummed. He could get on board with that. Johnny left his side for a few minutes to get the movie going and to get them both some drinks, but when Johnny returned to the couch he pushed Mark around until Mark was laying with his head on Johnny’s lap, and Mark just let him. Johnny’s hand was in his hair and Mark was relaxed, and that was all that mattered. 

“What are your plans for Thanksgiving?” Johnny asked halfway through the movie after taking a sip of his coke, putting the glass down on the coffee table and awkwardly squishing Mark in the process. 

Mark felt every ounce of his body tense up at the mention of the holiday, and he wished the couch would swallow him whole. “Uh— nothing much.” 

Mark couldn’t see Johnny’s face, his eyes still trained on the screen and the actors moving around on it, but the caressing of his hair had stopped and so Mark knew that Johnny was either distracted or thinking about something. Considering the topic, Mark supposed it was the latter. 

“Why?” Mark asked, wishing for the quiet around them to go. The noise of the movie was the only thing that could push Mark’s thoughts away, and it wasn’t nearly strong enough. 

Johnny sighed and Mark felt himself relax when he felt Johnny’s hand start to move in his hair once more. “Well I’m not going back to Chicago this year, so if you’re not doing anything perhaps we could have dinner together?” 

Mark hummed, turning around so he was now laying on his back, his eyes aimed up at the ceiling above him. “That sounds great. Why aren’t you going to Chicago, though?” 

Mark knew that somewhere he had heard Johnny speak of Thanksgiving before, perhaps a couple weeks ago, but he hadn’t told Mark about his plans yet. Mark had wanted to ask, but he feared that Johnny would ask about his own parents, and therefore he had kept his mouth shut. Now, though, with how Johnny had started the conversation, Mark doubted he could divert Johnny’s attention. The thought made Mark’s throat close up uncomfortably. 

Johnny shrugged, smiling down at Mark. “My parents are visiting my aunt and uncle in California, so I’m staying here.” 

Mark hummed, but before he could say anything Johnny’s expression changed, his eyes turning more serious, and Mark swallowed. “Why aren’t you going home?” 

Mark’s eyes widened. He had told his friends that his parents weren’t on the best speaking terms, but he had never really explained what that entailed. He feared that that wouldn’t go down the same with Johnny, though. Johnny was good at reading people. 

“I— well,” Mark sighed, closing his eyes. “My parents are going on a trip. For my father’s business.” 

Mark had no idea where that sudden lie came from, for his father only travelled within the United States for his work on the radio, and his mother was the one to travel internationally. Mark watched as Johnny raised one eyebrow, a questioning look on his face, and Mark wondered if Johnny was going to push Mark for an actual answer or believe it for now. 

When Johnny slouched back against the couch, Mark allowed himself to relax ever so slightly. “Alright. I’ll book us a table somewhere.”

Mark could tell that Johnny was still thinking about Mark’s answer, that the wires in his head were still trying to connect with one another, but to Mark’s great relief, he kept quiet. “Where?” 

Johnny scoffed, shaking his head. “That’s a surprise, baby.” 

Mark groaned, throwing his head back as much as he could on Johnny’s lap. “Please tell me.”

Johnny shook his head, letting out a dry chuckle, and pushed Mark’s hair away from his face. Mark couldn’t help but smile, pushing his head against Johnny’s hand, and allowed Johnny to pet him. “That’s not how surprises work.” 

“Fine. But I’ll try to guess it anyway.” Mark protested, his eyes already closed with how Johnny was petting both his hair and now also playing with Mark’s fingers. 

“That’s fine by me, but you won’t guess it. It’s a restaurant Sehun recommended to me and it’s pretty well hidden.” 

Mark giggled, “I can ask Sehun.” 

Johnny gasped, “You wouldn’t!” 

Mark knew he wouldn’t, for he didn’t know Sehun well enough to do that, but Johnny didn’t need to know that. He was relieved that he even managed to divert the subject away from his parents. The guilt in his stomach threatened to tighten further and further with every smile Johnny gave him, but Mark tried to push it away. It wasn’t the time, not yet. 

Mark felt like the elevator up to Jeno and Doyoung’s apartment took hours to go up, but he knew that that wasn’t possible. Time couldn’t slow down, not just for Mark, anyway, but everything seemed like it was going slower today. 

Mark had slept well for the first time all week after Johnny took him home the night before — Johnny refused to let Mark go back home alone, even though Johnny had nowhere to go in Mark’s direction and he would just leave his house without really having to — and while he woke up feeling tired still, it was a different type of tired. Yesterday had been the type of tiredness that nestled itself into every muscle and bone of Mark’s body, but today it felt more like a heavy head and nothing more. 

Mark had wanted to skip out on Jeno and his request to game together at his place, but Jeno and him hadn’t hung out one on one for a while, and so Mark felt too guilty about calling Jeno and telling him he wasn’t coming. 

And so, he walked out of the elevator once the doors opened on the right floor and made his way down the corridor, knocking on Jeno’s front door. Mark smiled as he heard some stumbling from behind the heavy wooden door before it swung open, Jeno greeting him with his puppy-like smile. 

Mark smiled back at him, “Hey dude.” 

Jeno’s grin grew, “What’s up?” 

Mark followed Jeno inside after having left his shoes at the front door, dropping his backpack in the hallway. The apartment was quiet, so Mark guessed Doyoung wasn’t home, and when they reached the living room and Mark didn’t see Jeno’s older brother anywhere, Mark knew he was right. “Where’s Doyoung?” 

Jeno shrugged. “Out with Jaehyun, I think.” 

Mark hummed, following after Jeno into Jeno’s bedroom where the television was already turned on, the fifa loading screen already visible. Mark groaned inwardly. Jeno knew Mark didn’t really like the game, but Jeno kept making Mark play it. Mark supposed it was his payback for not really liking games in the first place. 

He tried to enjoy them, when he was younger. When children from his parents’ friends would come over and wanted to play games with him, but Mark always found them far too violent. He didn’t mind a game of Just Dance or Mario Party or any of that sort, but hardcore gaming like Donghyuck did has never really been Mark’s thing. 

“Do you want anything?” Jeno asked, taking Mark out of his thoughts, and Mark nodded. 

“A Sprite, thanks.” Jeno nodded at him before walking out, and Mark sighed once he knew Jeno was out of earshot. He dropped himself down on one of the beanbags, feeling himself sink down into it further and further, and he allowed his eyes to travel across Jeno’s room. 

There were pictures of their group from their hang-outs, more pictures of Renjun than anyone else, and Mark smiled. He could see Jeno’s parents in a few of the photos, the two of them smiling at the person behind the camera, and Mark found it weighing heavy on his chest. He didn’t have any pictures of his parents, let alone one where they held each other while smiling at the camera, and no matter how much he had grown to hate them, he wished he could have had them like Jeno still had his parents. 

Doyoung and Jeno’s parents lived in Florida, living out their early retirement life with their savings and the money they made as marine researchers, and Jeno and Doyoung had chosen to move up to New York. Naturally, Doyoung came up to the big city first and Jeno followed when it was time for Jeno to attend college, and that was the time their parents decided to get them both of the university dorms and into their own place. 

Mark could afford his own place, if he chose to. He could use his parents’ money as his rent money, but it felt wrong using it. Like he wasn’t supposed to, like it would satisfy his parents in some form if they realized that despite everything, Mark was still dependent on them. And so, he stuck to living in the dorms with Donghyuck. He liked Donghyuck as a roommate, anyway. 

“We are out of Sprite, bro. Is fanta good?” Jeno’s voice took Mark out of his own thoughts once more, making him turn his head in the bean bag. Mark shook his head, taking the glass from Jeno with a smile. He didn’t really like fanta, but Jeno shouldn’t have to walk all the way back to the kitchen just because Mark was picky with some of his drinks. 

“Thanks.” 

Jeno just hummed, putting his own glass down on the ground before dropping down in the other bean bag chair, grabbing the two controllers and handing one to Mark. “How was your date with Johnny yesterday?” 

Mark flushed, biting his lip. “It was good. We watched a movie.” 

“Cute, dude.” 

Mark nodded, and Jeno focused back on the screen. He started the first match after Mark took far too long selecting his team despite having absolutely zero idea what the difference was, and got his ass kicked within ten minutes. “Well, shit.” 

Jeno chuckled, leaning down to grab his glass, and he winked at Mark. “You suck.”

Mark rolled his eyes. “We know this.” 

Jeno shrugged, taking a sip of his drink. “Sure we do, but it’s nice to revisit it every now and then.” 

Mark groaned, shaking his head. “You suck.” 

Mark watched Jeno start up yet another game, and he focused back onto the screen. It took Jeno less than seven minutes to beat Mark this time, and Mark sighed as he put his controller down, the score on the screen declaring Jeno victor of the game. “When does your flight leave again?”

Jeno turned his head to look at Mark, and he shrugged. “The twenty-fifth, early morning.” 

Doyoung and Jeno were visiting their parents for Thanksgiving like many other college students, and Mark was going to miss his friends even though it was only for a few days. Jaemin was only visiting his parents for Thanksgiving day since they lived a thirty minute train ride away in Long Beach, and Mark knew that Donghyuck was staying on campus as well. Renjun’s parents were visiting his family in China, if Mark remembered correctly, so most of his friends were staying in New York for the American holiday. 

Mark also knew that Ten and Kun were hosting their very own version of Thanksgiving with just the two of them, and Mark’s eyes widened as he realized that he was now doing the exact same thing with Johnny. “Have you figured out what you’re going to do yet? Is Johnny heading home?”

Mark shook his head, “His parents are visiting family in California, so he’s staying. We’re going out to dinner together though.” 

Jeno hummed, “I could have guessed that.” 

Mark frowned, “What do you mean?” 

Jeno shrugged, putting his controller down. The game was about to fall asleep and while Mark didn’t really like Fifa, he didn’t want to have a serious conversation with Jeno, either. His friend could be serious if he wanted to, was a great listener and kind, but Mark was far too tired to spend his afternoon talking about serious things. No matter what they were. “Renjun thought you might join Johnny.” 

Mark shook his head, the noise coming out of his mouth unknown to him. It was supposed to be a chuckle, he guessed, but in the end it sounded more like a dying camel. “That’s far too fast!” 

Jeno shook his head, a chuckle leaving his lips. It sounded normal, like he wasn’t stressing Mark out to the core, and Mark wanted to hurl a pillow at him. “Not really! Johnny seems like the type of person to ask you to do that.” 

Mark’s jaw dropped. Jeno was right. Johnny did seem like the type of person that wanted his significant other and parents to meet as quickly as possible, and while a part of Mark wanted to throw himself off of the dormitory roof at the thought, the other part of him found it endearing. “I don’t even know if his parents know yet.” 

The thought of Johnny’s parents knowing about him made Mark’s throat close up in an unpleasant way. Jeno scoffed beside him, “Of course they do! I bet Johnny told them the second you left his apartment after you two made it official.” 

Mark swallowed, his teeth digging into his bottom lip. The already sensitive skin burned with the pressure, but Mark didn’t care. “I don’t know.” 

“Oh come on! Of course he told them!” 

Mark couldn’t really explain why he felt so nervous at the prospect of Johnny’s parents knowing that he existed. Johnny had a good relationship with both his mother and father, and they supported him every step he went. Johnny had told Mark they fully supported his sexuality, that they just wanted him to be happy, so Mark’s rational thoughts knew that they wouldn’t judge Mark for his sexuality, either. But the thought of Johnny’s parents knowing, of seeing the pictures Johnny sometimes shared on his Instagram story of the two of them together, made his skin crawl and his toes curl in his shoes. 

He couldn’t really tell Jeno that, though, so instead he nodded. “Yeah you’re right.” 

Jeno scoffed, as if offended. “Of course I am!” 

Mark couldn’t help feeling restless, even after he arrived home from hanging out with Jeno. He couldn’t focus on his schoolwork and listening to music didn’t seem to help either, and it frustrated Mark to no end. He had no right to be this nervous about Johnny’s parents and the prospect of them knowing about Mark’s existence and what his existence meant for Johnny, their only son. 

Mark had seen pictures of them before, ones Johnny had shown them, and they seemed like lovely people. They were lovely people, if Johnny’s stories were anything to go by, and yet Mark found himself biting his lip and picking at his fingernails as he tried to focus on his computer screen to no avail. He was behaving like a child, sort of, and Mark knew that he was definitely overexaggerating things. He just couldn’t help it. 

Mark felt like, if Johnny’s parents were to accept him as well, that he would be stepping into territory he didn’t belong in. Johnny’s parents were his and his to love, and Mark felt like he didn’t deserve a place in that picture. 

It made his mouth taste bitter and his chest feel heavy, so instead of staying in his room and biting his lip until it bled, Mark turned his computer off and walked into the living room, startling Donghyuck out of his own focus. “Jesus Mark.” 

Mark grinned sheepishly before dropping himself down on the couch, groaning. Mark watched Donghyuck pause The Last of Us before his roommate turned to look at him with a frown on his face, and Mark instantly regretted his decision to come into the living room. Donghyuck wasn’t supposed to worry about him. 

“What’s up?” 

Mark shrugged, hoping he could convince Donghyuck to drop the subject. When Donghyuck merely raised an eyebrow, though, Mark cursed inwardly. “Fine, alright. What do your parents think about you and Jaemin?” 

Donghyuck’s eyes widened before a smile spread across his face, and he shrugged. “They adore him. Whenever they see him on FaceTime they won’t even focus on me anymore.” 

Mark forced himself to chuckle at that. The thought of Johnny’s parents ignoring Johnny just to talk to him made guilt swim in Mark’s stomach, and he hated it. “Sure, they had to get used to me dating a man, even after I came out to them it came as quite a shock, but they love him now. Why?” 

Mark shrugged, “Just wondering.” 

Donghyuck scoffed. “I don’t buy it. Did something happen with Johnny?”

Mark shook his head, “No, not really. I don’t know if his parents know about us yet.” 

Donghyuck hummed, rubbing at his chin before turning back to the screen. “What would be the harm if they did? They support Johnny, don’t they?” 

Mark nodded even though Donghyuck’s eyes were no longer on him, and he sighed. “They do, yeah. They’re very supportive. Kind of like Jaemin’s parents, I suppose.” 

Jaemin’s parents had been more than supportive when Jaemin came out, if Mark had to believe Jaemin’s stories. Jaemin had a knack for drama, sure, so Mark always took Jaemin’s stories with a grain of salt, but he liked to believe that Jaemin’s mother indeed burst into tears when Jaemin told them, for she had been nothing but proud that he finally told them. Apparently, his mother had found some of Jaemin’s magazines when she cleaned his room when he was fourteen and had been waiting for him to tell them. 

Donghyuck unpaused the game, gunshots immediately echoing around the living room, and he shrugged. “Well, then there’s nothing bad about them knowing, is there?” 

Mark nodded again, “I guess you’re right.” 

“Do your parents know?” 

Mark froze for a split second before he shook his head, “Haven’t really talked to them much. They’re quite busy.” 

Donghyuck nodded, shooting a couple zombies coming his way before turning back to Mark. “You have to tell them at some point, you know? Keeping him a secret from them could hurt Johnny in the end.” 

Mark felt his throat dry up, and he nodded. “Yeah, I know.” 

Donghyuck hummed before turning back to the screen, leaving Mark to mull over his words again and again. “I’m heading to bed.” 

“Alright, I’ll try not to yell.” 

Mark scoffed before managing to get off of the couch, walking back into his bedroom with a heavy chest. He shrugged a t-shirt on, took of his jeans and dropped himself onto his bed, pulling the covers up to his chin. He fiddled around for his phone and headphones, allowing the music to deafen his thoughts. 

It wasn’t really helping, for he could still hear the screams of his parents in his head. They were loud, far too loud, and mixed with Daniel’s words that coming out wouldn’t be such a big deal. That he wanted Mark to come out because otherwise he would break up with him, and Mark had listened despite knowing that his parents were against gay people. 

He could still remember the fight that broke loose, how Jongin had tried to defend Mark from his parents and when that had failed, had screamed that he was bisexual and would be moving out the next day if their parents wouldn’t support him. Naturally, they didn’t, and Jongin moved out the day after. Mark had to live in the house for a few more weeks, the sneers he got and screams from his mother weighing his heart down, before he could get on his plane and leave Los Angeles behind forever. 

Mark could still remember how Daniel had broken up with him over the phone after Mark told him what happened, that his parents weren’t accepting of him, and how Daniel had laughed about it. How he had told Mark he couldn’t wait until Mark was gone and in New York so he could break up with him then, but instead chose to do it over the phone, leaving Mark heartbroken and alone in a house that hated him. 

Mark clenched his eyes shut, pushing the volume of his music up a few tones, and while it hurt his eardrums he didn’t mind. He didn’t want to hear the screams, the yelling and the laughter. The guilt that he felt whenever he thought of Jongin, how he was forced to come out just because Mark chose to, and not on his own terms. Mark felt bad, could still remember the tears streaming down Jongin’s face as he threw everything he valued into a suitcase and offered to take Mark with him, and how Mark had declined with a heavy heart because he felt bad leaving his parents alone even though they now hated him. 

Mark turned around in bed, pushing his head into his pillows, and he groaned to himself. He knew that Johnny’s parents were nothing like that, that they loved Johnny unconditionally, but something in his mind kept telling him that they would laugh at Mark, tell Johnny to break up with him, and the thought of losing Johnny made Mark want to cry. 

Mark felt the first few tears rolling down his cheeks, wettening his pillow, and he wished he would stop. He wished the screaming would stop, the ghost of Daniel’s touch roaming around his body when he didn’t want it to and most of all, he wished everything would stop. Even for just a second. Mark felt like time was passing him by without giving him something to hold onto, and he was stumbling while his friends were walking just fine. 

Mark sighed, upping the volume once more and closing his eyes. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaah
> 
> feel free to leave a comment and a kudos ;; they're highly appreciated I love them so much 
> 
> [feel free to say hello on twitter!](https://twitter.com/softyjseo)  
> [or leave a message in my cc!](https://curiouscat.me/softyjseo)


	12. Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry for the long wait :( some personal things got in the way ;;  
> i do hope you guys enjoy this chapter <3
> 
> there is a small mention of suicide -- it's nothing big and barely a sentence, but i just wanted to warn you.

There were _things_ that Mark simply couldn’t let go off, no matter how hard he tried. There was the necklace, still hanging on his wall in his dorm room, dangling and reminding Mark of what once was, what he allowed to happen to him without saying anything about it. There was that picture of Jongin and him on the beach, the one taken during a family holiday. Mark had no idea why he held onto that for so long, numerous other pictures fair candidates that could have become his background photo. 

Although, Mark could take a guess. That had been the last holiday before everything went to shit, the last time Jongin and him kicked a ball around on a beach with their parents nowhere in sight. 

Mark missed it, even though he knew that he needed to get rid of such things. Perhaps one day, he would throw away the necklace if he could bring himself to do so. 

For now, though, Mark allowed for Johnny to chase such thoughts and memories away as they sat on the couch, each of them with their laptops in their laps and typing away. It was one of those afternoons that they spent doing their own thing, focusing on their own school work, but were still together. 

It was wonderful to Mark, to be able to sit with Johnny and not worry that he wasn’t doing enough, that he needed to fill up the silence with aimless words and stories that weren’t even true. It was an old habit of Mark’s, filling up silences with stories that hadn’t happened to him but to other people. He used to do it a lot in elementary and middle school, when stories about his actual life hurt too much to share. 

Mark felt bad about it, even to this day, but there wasn’t anything he could do to change it. He hadn’t made up such stories for a very long time, had stuck to the casual ‘I’m tired’ whenever a conversation dried up, and so far Mark thought he was doing okay. 

But, even though the silence was nice for Mark to work, he wasn’t able to focus on anything. He had a document opened, one his professor had e-mailed to every student for reading as preparation for their next lecture, but Mark had only read the first two sentences over and over, still not remembering what the words actually meant after twenty minutes of reading. 

Johnny seemed to be doing better, typing away at his laptop and humming to himself every now and again. Mark had no idea what Johnny was working on — math and business had never really been his strong suit — but he could see that Johnny was focused, his eyebrows frowning but his mouth smiling. 

Mark felt guilty for not being able to focus, for the way his mind wandered while Johnny was working incredibly hard. He sighed to himself and tried to focus back onto his laptop screen, the words in front of him turning blurry once more. Mark’s interest in his major had been fading as the weeks went by, even being part of the conversation Johnny and him had during their Thanksgiving dinner, and it made Mark want to scream at the world. 

He chose History because he felt comfortable with it, because he had been somewhat interested in it during high school, but now that he was in college for it Mark felt nothing for the subject anymore. All of his friends were so passionate about their majors, about what they wanted to do with their lives, and Mark felt the anxiety of not knowing what he wanted to do with his own every single day as he made his way to classes and participated in projects he really didn’t want to work on. 

Their Thanksgiving dinner had been nice, cute, and Johnny had chosen a restaurant that served all sorts of Asian cuisine which had been wonderful. It was supposed to be a fun night, and it really had been, and that’s why Mark still felt guilty for ruining it with their talk about Mark’s lectures and how he felt like his major wasn’t right for him anymore. 

Of course, Johnny told him he didn’t feel that way when he noticed Mark was pulling away during the dinner, but Mark couldn’t really help the guilt from squeezing his throat every time he thought about it. 

And, like other things, sometimes they also ended. Or changed. And Mark felt like he couldn’t talk to anybody else about it, the only person who would understand as busy as could be with his photography jobs. Ten had texted him, of course, and called a few times to make sure Mark was okay, but it had been a while since they had spent time together one on one, without their other friends around. 

Mark missed Ten greatly. Ten was his rock even though they had been friends for a little over a year, and Mark missed talking to him. But, he felt like whenever he texted Ten, he was bothering him. Ten’s responses had gotten shorter and his phone calls rushed. The rational part of Mark’s brain rationalized this by telling him that Ten was busy, that he didn’t mean any of it personally, but the emotional part of his brain told him that Ten had gotten sick of him. Had gotten tired of his problems, of Mark’s whining. 

And that was why Mark felt guilty for talking to Johnny about it, afraid that he would leave, too. Mark couldn’t risk losing Johnny, not when things were going so well between them. 

Mark was pulled out of his thoughts as a ringtone echoed through Johnny’s living room, and he looked up from his laptop screen to check whether it was his. Before he could, though, Johnny stood up from the couch with his own phone to his ear and walked into the hallway. Mark smiled softly to himself. Johnny probably walked away so as to not distract Mark, when Mark wasn’t even doing anything useful. Johnny was far too considerate for someone like Mark. 

He could hear Johnny’s voice, could hear the sound of it but not the words it was forming. Kyungsoo was in his room and Mark cringed to himself, hoping that Kyungsoo wouldn’t be distracted by Johnny standing in the hallway instead of the living room, but before Mark could worry too much and start to nibble on his bottom lip, Johnny walked back into the living room while pocketing his phone. 

“Who was it?” Mark asked as Johnny sat back down. Johnny looked at him with a small smile before reaching over and taking Mark’s glass of water, handing it to Mark.

Mark raised his eyebrows, earning him a huff from Johnny. “You haven’t drinken anything since you got here. And my parents.” 

Mark felt his throat close up immediately at Johnny’s answer, and he thanked the heavens above for the way Johnny had given him the perfect excuse not to answer just yet. He raised the glass to his lips and took a long sip, the thirst that Mark hadn’t known was even there being quenched as Johnny stared at him for a short moment before turning back to look at his own laptop.

“How are they?” Mark managed after putting the glass down, his shoulders tight with the sudden anxiety of Johnny’s parents. 

Johnny shrugged, “Doing okay. They got back to Chicago today, so I asked them to call me when they got home.” 

“Did they have a good trip?” Mark wished he could sound more excited about Johnny’s parents and he hoped that Johnny wasn’t picking up on his sudden tenseness, but knowing Johnny he had either noticed it and chosen not to say anything or was waiting for the right moment to say something. 

Johnny hummed, “Yeah. Mom said dad slept the entire flight.” 

Mark chuckled and hoped it sounded genuine enough. “That’s good. I can never do that.” 

“What, sleep on flights?” 

Mark shook his head, “In any moving vehicle, really. I can’t sleep in cars either.” 

Johnny smiled at him and for a second Mark forgot all about his anxiety, about the sudden tenseness in his shoulders and the way his throat felt like cardboard. Johnny was just that calming to him, the fire on a cold winter day and while Mark was having his own crisis in his head, he was still very grateful to Johnny’s parents. 

“I can sleep anywhere. Reckon I got that from my dad.” Johnny joked, making Mark laugh. “They told me to say hello to you, too. Mom would love to meet you.” 

Mark felt every ounce of his body suddenly seize up, his shoulders growing even tenser than before, and before he could stop it a slight grimace spread across his face. He wiped it off, though, and when he turned to look at Johnny he was glad to see the older had turned back to look at his laptop instead of at Mark’s face, and Johnny was still smiling. “She sounds sweet.” 

Johnny nodded, not taking his eyes off of the screen. “She is. She is far too sweet, in my opinion. Do you think your mom and mine would get along?” 

Mark froze in his seat, nearly losing his grip on his laptop. He felt it slipping a little bit before he clenched his hand around the corner, keeping it from falling down to the ground. Johnny’s mother and his mom would certainly not get along. Mark’s mother was far too judgemental, too snobby to even think about talking to someone like Johnny’s mother, and Mark’s heart broke at the thought of it. 

His mother would be bad, but Mark feared his father would be worse. His father would tell stories about his achievements and not listen to Johnny’s father at all. Mark could imagine it, the six of them sitting at a table in some fancy restaurant while Mark’s parents raged about how much of an abomination their child was for being gay. Mark doubted Johnny would enjoy hearing the truth about this, and so he shrugged instead of nodding. 

“I honestly don’t know.” Johnny had told him a few stories about his mother, about how she would always pack lunches for him before school and how she had once called the middle school Johnny attended and demanded the principal suspend a child for throwing racial slurs at Johnny. Johnny’s mom sounded protective in the loving manner, the way a mother should be, while Mark’s mother was anything but that. His mother was protective in the worst way, more worried about her image than the well-being of her child. 

When Jongin or him were called racial slurs at school, their mother just told them to toughen it out. She never attended any of their sport games despite wanting them to participate in sports, while Johnny told Mark that his mother would always come to his games, even if the weather was terrible. 

Johnny’s mother was the type of mother to make soup for Johnny while he was sick, and Mark envied that in the worst way possible. 

Johnny scoffed, “Surely they would? I can’t imagine them not getting along.” 

Mark could feel the words on his lips, could feel the weight of them on his tongue, but he swallowed them down. He couldn’t tell his boyfriend that he barely got along with his parents, not like this, and so he bit his lip. “My parents are — well — “

“Baby, wait — do your parents even know about us?” 

Mark’s eyes widened, muscle memory making him flinch and place a hand on his cheek. He had heard that sentence before, hidden away under the stands of their high school football field, and the pain that had stung his cheek long after that. He had heard the sentence before, but far more menacing, and while Mark knew that Johnny probably didn’t mean anything bad by it, he couldn’t help but feel terrified. 

“You never talk about your parents, either. There’s no reason to be ashamed of them, you know? Why haven’t you told them about us?” Mark felt his throat start to burn, felt the need to tug at his hair or pick at his nails. He bit his lip instead, harshly, and stood up from the couch after throwing his laptop back onto the cushions. Before Mark could get very far, though, Johnny reached out to take his wrist. 

“Mark? Are you hiding me from them?” 

Mark felt his heart break, felt his toes curl in his shoes and his dam start to break, and he shook his head. “I’m no— of course I’m not hiding you.” 

Johnny turned Mark around so that they were face to face, and Mark was met with the saddest look he had ever seen on Johnny’s face. He wasn’t crying, didn’t look like he had been smacked or hurt physically, but Mark could see the slight hint of disappointment within his boyfriend’s eyes, could tell that the thought of being something Mark would hide from his family crushed him, and Mark wanted nothing more than to flee. He wanted to run, wanted to get away, but knew that Johnny would catch him before he managed to get very far. 

Mark had no idea where he would go at all, but any place was better than here at his moment in time. “Then who are your parents? Why don’t they know about us?”

Mark didn’t know how to answer that without having to explain everything. Everything about Daniel, about Jongin, about how his parents were manipulative to the point where they had convinced him that he wasn’t worth anything unless he listened to what his parents had to say, and Mark didn’t want to get into that. Not now, perhaps not ever. 

Mark shook his head and hoped that Johnny would change the subject. Things had been going so well for them, almost a month into their relationship and Mark hated that he was already ruining it again, that he was the reason why this would fall apart just like things did with Daniel. 

“Mark?” Johnny asked and Mark watched as Johnny reached out to take his wrist but before he managed to clasp his fingers around it, Mark flinched away. The thought of touch suddenly repulsed him, made his skin crawl, and all he could feel was the sting on his cheek that had once been, so long ago, and the way his heart had broken into tiny pieces. “Please answer me.” 

Johnny’s voice nearly made Mark break, nearly made him scream and shout everything that had happened, but before he could say anything he heard a door open somewhere and he watched as Kyungsoo walked into the living room, his eyes widening as his eyes landed on them. Mark pulled away from Johnny, took a few steps back, and watched Johnny’s face fall. 

“I’ll le—”

“You can stay!” Mark hurried to say, hoping that Johnny would drop it, but instead Johnny turned his head and shook it. Kyungsoo seemed to understand and Mark watched him go down the hall and listened as the front door closed not even a minute later, and Mark felt his guilt rise further up his throat, making his chest feel like it was being clenched shut by a boulder. 

“You’re hiding me.” Johnny whispered, and Mark shook his head. He remembered having this conversation, how it had gone with Daniel and what the consequences had been, and he shook his head once more. 

“I’m not.” Mark begged. 

Johnny shook his head. He looked hurt, so incredibly hurt, and Mark wanted to scream and cry and run until he had no air left in his body. He wanted to collapse into one of the dirty ditches of New York and he wanted to lay there, in the rain, like he deserved. He was nothing more than garbage. Only a horrible human being like Mark would hurt Johnny like he was now. 

“If you’re not out — if you haven’t told your parents about your sexuality, then that’s okay. I just need to know.” Mark felt like he was being cornered, the walls closing in on him and he shook his head. He couldn’t lie to Johnny, not again, the bitter aftertaste of his last lie still under his tongue, but he couldn’t tell the truth, either. 

“I— They know.” 

“Then wh —” 

“Please Johnny —” 

“Mark you need to be honest wi—” 

Mark felt something snap, felt the first tear roll down his cheek and he moved. He rushed toward the door, picked up his sneakers from the ground and tried to block out Johnny’s begging and questions as he tried to get the door open before rushing out into the gallery, his lungs begging for air. 

Mark didn’t stop running until his socks were soaked through and he was a couple blocks away from Johnny. He felt like he could collapse, like his knees were going to give in from underneath him, but he forced himself to keep walking. He could feel his phone vibrating in his pocket, but Mark ignored it. He found the closest subway station and sat down on the soaked stone stairs to put his shoes on, his mind in a haze and his movements as if he was in a trance, and took the first train he found that stopped even remotely close to the campus.

Mark felt numb, his feet cold and his heart broken, but the need to scream was gone. He didn’t care that the people in the subway cart could see the tears streaming down his cheeks. He didn’t care that the lady next to him was looking at him as if he had gone insane or the younger girl who looked at him with pity. Mark wanted to tell her that he hadn’t been broken up with, that this was his own fault, but he didn’t. Instead he let the guilt consume him, the look on Johnny’s face as he told Mark that he didn’t want to be hidden, and Mark sighed as he allowed to drop the back of his head against the subway window, closing his eyes. 

For once, Mark didn’t mind the darkness of his room around him. It hid everything, kept away the sight of his clothes strewn on the floor, of his college books glaring back at him and of the necklace still hung on the wall. It was nice to stare at the ceiling, not being able to see any of the things that occupied Mark’s mind at any given moment. 

His phone had stopped blowing up, had stopped lighting up with notifications from his friends. Donghyuck no longer stood on the other side of Mark’s door, begging him to come out. Even after Jaemin had joined in to help Donghyuck, Mark still hadn’t listened. Jeno had stopped calling, Renjun had stopped texting and Ten had stopped sending the resident assistant over to their dorm after Donghyuck told him to stop. Mark still received a text every now and then, Ten had tried to call him a few hours ago and Johnny — well, Johnny never stopped. 

Mark wondered whether Johnny’s phone simply never ran out of battery anymore, for Johnny’s texts were consistent, his calls incoming while Mark left them unanswered. He felt guilty, felt horrible, but he couldn’t bring himself to reply. The memories were too strong, the sound of the smack against his cheek echoing through his brain and the words Daniel had spoken making Mark unable to form any thoughts of his own. 

He felt rotten. He felt like the worst person on the planet, the most despicable human being. Johnny had looked hurt, like the thought of being a secret to Mark was the worst thing he could think of, and Mark felt like he was the most selfish person to not have considered that perhaps Johnny had been that to someone, once. 

The possibility of Johnny having been hurt by someone else made Mark’s blood boil, but it made Johnny’s reaction make more sense with every passing minute as Mark thought about it, letting it consume his mind as Daniel and his parents screamed in the background. It kept his mind busy enough as the minutes passed, the hours ticked by, and it distracted Mark from the things he still needed to do. He was missing lectures, missing school work and lunches with friends, and the thought of being left out of such things was enough to make him open his eyes and look at his dark ceiling, a fresh set of tears staining his cheeks and wettening his pillowcase. 

It was quiet, almost too quiet, and Mark knew that Donghyuck was in class. Mark could hear life moving forward down on the streets, the honking of cars and the constant noise of New York the only thing he could hear. Just as Mark wanted to close his eyes again, his phone lit up once more and buzzed, the sound it let out making Mark move to answer it. 

“Hey,” He answered, trying to sound as alive as possible. 

“ _Mark? Are you alright?_ ” Mark already felt bad for making his friends worry, for hurting Johnny, and therefore the guilt of making his brother worry from across the country felt like yet another boulder on his chest, something his body could handle due to the other boulders weighing heavily on his chest. 

“I’m fine, woke up from a nap.” Mark answered. Jongin could believe that, if he wanted to, students took naps all the time. Hell, Mark knew that Jongin even needed a nap on a nearly daily basis. A nap was plausible, believable, but only if Mark had spoken to Jongin like they usually did the past few days. And he hadn’t. 

“ _Not what I meant. I meant that I tried to call you yesterday morning and you didn’t answer. I brushed it off but when you didn’t call back I got worried._ ” Mark sighed to himself. He had kept his phone on silent for the longest time as he stayed in bed underneath the blankets, and had missed Jongin’s phone call just like any other phone call he had gotten over the past few days. 

Mark felt bad, for his morals were to always answer someone as soon as possible and usually his anxiety made him do just that, but for some reason he couldn’t really find it in himself to care right now. It was very unlike him. “I’m fine, trust me. School is just getting busy.” 

That wasn’t necessarily a lie, but it wasn’t all that busy for Mark. He had finished the essays he needed to hand in for finals week, had studied for the two finals he did have, and was somewhat confident he would manage to pass even without attending the classes he was currently missing. Some students, though, were busy. Jongin didn’t have to know that Mark wasn’t part of that group of students. 

“ _Is that really all? You sound off_.” Jongin’s voice sounded far too worried for Mark’s liking, and he closed his eyes. He could feel his chest starting to hurt, could feel the need to scratch at his hands and he wanted to leave. He needed air. 

“I’m fine, Jonginnie. Believe me. I just woke up from a nap that’s all.” 

“ _Fine_.” Mark allowed Jongin to continue to talk, even asking him about how his week had been, but as soon as Jongin hung up with the warning to call again in the next two days, Mark was up and off of his bed within a split second. He swiped his hand across the floor and reached out for a hoodie, tugging it on and grabbing his phone before rushing out of his room and out of the dorm. 

Mark wasn’t sure where he could go. None of the dormitories had balconies, so if he wanted a breath of fresh air it was either the roof or the street. Mark froze as he walked, the thought of the New York streets making his heart beat erratically in his chest, and he turned the corner toward the staircase. 

Students were technically not allowed on the rooftops, but as Mark finally reached the upper floors and put his hand on the door, he felt it give in and open. He sighed with relief, his legs burning and his lungs screaming for air, but Mark walked forward and listened to the door fall close behind him. 

It was cold. The wind coursed around Mark, messing up his hair and making his hood flow in the wind, and Mark felt the sudden need to scream and yell. He wanted to scream at Daniel, wanted to yell at his parents and mostly, he wanted them to stop yelling in his head. 

Mark didn’t know what to do. He wanted to talk to somebody, felt like he needed to talk to somebody, but he had no idea who. His breathing sped up, making his eyes widen, and Mark panicked. He rushed over to the edge and leaned forwards, his head across the railing as if that would give him extra air, but instead it presented him with the dozens of feet he was above the ground, and he gasped. 

“Fuck.” Mark whispered, fumbling for his phone in his pocket. “Fuck.” 

Mark needed Ten to pick up. He needed to hear his voice, needed for Ten to listen to him and help him with whatever it was that was going on, and he needed Johnny. He felt bad for needing Johnny, the guilt overwhelming as he stood on the rooftop of his apartment building, and for a split second his thoughts stopped and Mark looked over the edge once more. 

It was a fall nobody would survive, the hard concrete of the street enough to break every bone in his body, and Mark winced. Before he could push that train of thought away or allow it to consume him further, he heard something through the speakers of his phone. 

“ _Mark_?” 

“Ten oh m—” 

“ _Where are you_? _Are you okay? Is that wind I hear? Mark?_ ” 

Mark closed his eyes, turning around on the spot as he massaged one of his temples with his unoccupied hand. He felt like a lunatic, standing on the rooftop of his dorm building with the wind nearly knocking him off of his feet and the cold making his fingers hurt, but he stayed put. “I’m fine. I’m on the roof—” 

“ _The roof?! Mark! What are you do—”_

“I’m not going to jump, Ten.” Mark rushed to say, the ever growing pile of guilt obscuring his airways growing even bigger.

“ _Jesus christ, Mark_. _We’ve been so worried! What the hell is going on?!”_ Ten sounded like he was moving around and Mark hoped he wasn’t coming to him. Mark wouldn’t be able to say all of this in person, face to face. He needed the barrier that the phone call provided, needed that distance, or else he wasn’t going to tell Ten anything he wanted to say. 

“I— Johnny and I we uh—” 

“ _Johnny said you ran out of his apartment? What is going on?_ ” Mark sighed, shaking his head. 

“I just— everything became too much, Ten. I just— I didn’t want to — I wasn’t ready and I just—” 

“ _Mark I need you to breathe. Take a deep breath for me, alright_?” Mark listened to Ten’s voice, to the way he counted down each breath and Mark found himself calming down ever so slightly. The noises from down the street weren’t as overwhelming as they were before now, Mark’s eyes trained on the gravel he was standing on as he listened to the last breath Ten counted down. _“You’re doing good, okay. What’s wrong, Mark?_ ” 

Mark sighed and he felt tears streaming down his face once more. “I need — I want everyone around me to be happy but instead I’m worrying them. I can’t do anything right, I only hurt those I love and I just — I need to — I need people to be happy I need people to— to love me. I can’t have anyone else leave and if—” 

“ _Mark— Mark please calm down — Mark, please. You can’t possibly make everyone around you happy. Do you know how many people that is? That’s humanly impossible. You will lose yourself if you keep hurting yourself for other people. You can’t stretch yourself to be infinite, Mark, no matter how much you want to. **There’s moments where you want to feel infinite, but sometimes being infinite becomes too much. And that’s when you just need to be Mark. That’s when you need to make everything small. You’re Mark Lee, that’s everything in that moment. There’s no infinity, no anxiety of how big it can become. There’s just you, and that’s okay.**_ ” Ten sounded like he was close to tears himself, and Mark allowed a sob to pass through his open mouth, nearly choking on the force of it. 

“I’m sorry.” Mark whispered, rubbing his face with his unoccupied hand. “I’m so sorry.” 

Mark could hear Ten sigh from the other side of the line, could hear him moving around still, and he wished he could hug Ten. He could really use a hug. “ _You have nothing to be sorry for, Markie. I told you I was going to be there for you, remember? And I’m not going anywhere. You’re going to be at my wedding and at my fiftieth birthday. You’re not getting rid of me that easily._ ” 

Mark chuckled as the tears kept coming, and he sighed shakily. “Thank you, Tennie. I love you.” 

“ _I love you too. Now, get off the roof and please, please talk to Johnny. He has been blowing up everyone’s phones to know how you are doing. He’s worried, Mark. We all are.”_ Mark felt the heaviness in Ten’s voice, the weight his request and declaration carried plausible in the way Mark felt like he was going to collapse at any given moment. 

“Alright, I’ll get off the roof.” Mark listened to Ten talk for a few more moments as he walked down the stairs back to the upper floors and once Ten was sure Mark was going to be fine, he hung up. He felt bad for deceiving Ten like that, not promising that he would call Johnny after Ten asked him to do so, but the thought of calling Johnny made Mark’s mind go into a frenzy. 

He didn’t want to call Johnny, not yet. He needed to calm down first, to put things in perspective and figure out just what it was that he wanted to tell Johnny before he even attempted a conversation.

Mark was sick of it. Sick of feeling this way, sick of hiding and being terrified because of the things he had gone through as a teenager. He was sick of letting Daniel control him, even after more than a year passed. Mark bawled his hands into fists as he made his way back to his dorm, walking straight back into his bedroom and stopping in the middle of the room.

He knew that Donghyuck was going to come knocking, especially after Ten told everyone that he managed to get Mark on the phone, but Mark didn’t care. He found his old journal, the one he used to write short story prompts in in middle and high school, and sat down on his bed with a loud sigh. 

He had some figuring out to do. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAAH
> 
> kudos and comments are always, always appreciated :) love you guys lots I hope you have a wonderful day and a perfect 2021. 
> 
> love, 
> 
> me 
> 
> [feel free to say hello on twitter!](https://twitter.com/softyjseo)  
> [or leave a message in my cc!](https://curiouscat.me/softyjseo)


	13. Worked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heya!! i hope y'all will enjoy this!!!!
> 
> there's a brief mention of rape in this chapter. if you can't read this due to personal triggers, I 100% understand and will add something at the end of the chapter in the end notes to explain what happened
> 
> Please don't read it if you feel like you're not comfortable with it, or if you know you will get triggered from it. Your own personal health and mental state is much more important to me than you reading this chapter. 
> 
> the mention is very, very brief, perhaps one or two sentences and not spoken of in detail, but i just wanted to warn you. 
> 
> love
> 
> d

Mark had _worked_ hard all his life. 

His parents never allowed him to fail, for one. He wasn’t allowed to come home with anything less than an outstanding grade, and if he did a punishment would be waiting for him. He worked hard to please them, followed classes he didn’t want to and played sports he hated. 

Mark had always worked hard, and therefore he had never really been able to pick up a hobby. Other than his guitar, something his parents decided would be good for him when he was six years old, Mark had no hobbies or things he loved to do. Sure, he loved watching Friends, loved listening to music and playing it on his guitar, but Mark didn’t really have a hobby other than that. 

He didn’t have a passion, never had any time to find one, and this meant that Mark hadn’t picked up a pen or opened a microsoft word document to write something, to form a story, in a long time. The last time he started writing he was around twelve, when middle school was making his life a living hell and he needed to escape it. 

Now, Mark sat at his desk, his laptop opened and displaying an empty document. The document had been open for the past four days, ever since his phone call with Ten, and while Mark could hear his parents scream at him in his head for he was ignoring his schoolwork and other responsibilities, Mark never stopped staring at it. 

He hadn’t eaten yet, today, and Mark could feel it in the way his stomach hurt and in the way there seemed to be something stuck in his throat, giving him the feeling he was about to vomit. Mark knew he wasn’t about to do that, that he was just nauseous because he simply hadn’t eaten anything yet and had only had two glasses of water, but he still couldn’t bother himself to get up. 

Mark listened to the sounds around him, to Donghyuck’s noises in the living room of their dorm and the taxis down on the street. Mark felt bad, still, for making his friends worry. He knew that when Donghyuck crossed his door, he knocked on it every time he did so, and Mark still couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eye when he did leave his room. 

Donghyuck had stopped asking questions already, despite the constant push of their friends. Mark wanted to scream. 

Mark was embarrassed. He felt terribly ashamed for how he had lied to his friends for so long; had never really told them about his family. About where he came from. Sure, everyone knew that he came from Los Angeles and that he wasn’t on the best speaking terms with his parents, but Mark knew that that was just the tip of the iceberg. 

He felt bad for not displaying the rest of the iceberg, when all of his friends shared so much with him. They told him everything, or close to everything anyway, and Mark had never really done that with them. They didn’t know about anything that had happened to him as a teenager, as a child, and while Mark knew that one of the reasons was because he felt like it wasn’t such a big deal, he still felt ridiculously bad for keeping his mouth shut. 

Mark had told them good things, of course. Like how his high school had won the regional soccer championship. He had told them about parties he used to have, presents he used to get — some of the stories were altered, Mark knew— but he had never really shown them everything.

Mark wasn’t sure how to be vulnerable, he had realized. He thought he was vulnerable, that he wore his heart on his sleeve and that everything was readable in his eyes, but as he thought back on the past year, on his friendships, Mark realized that that wasn’t the case. 

He wasn’t sure how to do it anymore. 

And the fact that Johnny wanted him to be vulnerable and share information about his parents, about his life and family, made Mark feel frustrated and scared. He was scared for Johnny’s judgement, for his pity that Mark didn’t want, but he was also frustrated with himself that he simply didn’t remember how to talk about his family. 

He had kept everything inside for so long, had worried about it himself and deemed it unworthy for his friends to deal with, that he didn’t realize he was slowly losing the ability to be vulnerable at all. 

And while Mark had realized all of this, had bitten his lip raw while sobbing his eyes out because he felt like such an idiot, he still hadn’t called Johnny. Or talked to Donghyuck. Or spoken to Ten. 

It felt like a barrier that Mark simply couldn’t get around. His mind told him that they wouldn’t care, that it wasn’t such a big deal. Mark felt he was exaggerating it all, and that was why he still hadn’t left the safe and comfortable cocoon of his dorm room. 

Mark sighed to himself, taking his eyes off of the screen of his laptop to stare at the window behind it. His eyes wouldn’t focus on the building across the street or the trees that he could see in the distance from Washington Square Park, but Mark didn’t mind all that much. Donghyuck provided a good background noise, humming and the sound of him playing something on the playstation in the living room the only noises in the apartment. 

Before Mark could turn around in his chair and take his guitar off of its stand like he had done so many times already when the words just wouldn’t come, he heard Donghyuck throw the controller onto their coffee table and footsteps leading to the hallway. 

Mark held his breath. It was probably Jaemin coming over to hang out with Donghyuck and to try and fail to get Mark out of his room, but when Donghyuck didn’t put on his usual whiny voice like he always did with Jaemin, Mark realized that it was someone else entirely. 

“Go ahead and try, but he’s not going to come out.” Mark heard Donghyuck say, and he frowned. Mark felt his heart rate speed up, felt his toes curl against the wood of his flooring and he bit his lip. 

“Alright, thanks.” Mark froze all movements as he allowed Johnny’s voice to wash over him. He hadn’t heard it ever since he walked out of Johnny’s apartment a week ago — not in real life, anyway. Mark had watched a multitude of videos he had of Johnny on his phone — and the sound of it warmed him from the inside out. 

It made something bubble up in his chest, though. Something that had Mark rushing to close his laptop and try and swallow down the guilt that had built up in his throat for the past week. 

“Mark?” Mark wished he could bring himself to respond, but his lips felt like they were sewn shut. He imagined Daniel walking into his room, imagined the smirk that Daniel would wear after seeing the state Mark was in, and he shivered in his seat. He could hear his mothers’ laughter, the one he remembered from whenever he would come home with something that his parents didn’t approve of or when Mark made friends with a child at the skatepark, only to learn that he wasn’t rich like Mark’s parents were. 

His mother had sat and laughed when Mark had asked why he wasn’t allowed to go to the skatepark anymore. She had told Mark to choose friends that were worthy, friendships that he would profit off of. As a seven year old Mark had no idea what she meant by those words, but after high school he had learned exactly what they meant. 

And it sucked. Mark wished the image of Daniel smirking from above him would leave, wishing that he didn’t have to hear his parents’ voices in his head anymore. He swallowed and suddenly felt the need to call Jongin. Either that or throw himself out of the window right this second. 

“Mark I know you are in there.” 

Mark had spent the past few days reliving the same few nights over and over, again and again. The night he told his parents about Daniel and him, the last night Jongin ever spent in their childhood home, and the night where Daniel took something of Mark’s that wasn’t his to take, but Mark couldn’t protest at the time.

They were dating, after all. Mark felt required to do what Daniel asked, even though he hated every second of it. The smirk that Daniel had on his face, one that Mark had seen many times during their relationship and after that, in his head, made Mark shiver in his chair. He didn’t hear anything from the other side of the door and for a second he hoped that Johnny had gone, had given up, while a smaller part of him wished that Johnny would barge into the room and hug Mark close for the rest of the week. 

“Mark, I’m coming in.” Mark shot up from his chair instantly. He had a lock on his door, one that he had kept locked for the past few days, and it was strong enough to hold Donghyuck’s pounding and Ten, Jeno, Renjun and Kun’s pushing, but if Johnny tried hard enough, he might be able to open it with brute strength. 

Mark watched as the doorknob turned and stopped, forced by the lock that kept his bedroom door shut, and Mark wished he could run. He had nowhere to go, nowhere to run, and so he straightened his shoulders and reached for his lock with a shaky hand, turning it. 

He didn’t say anything and walked back to his bed, ready for Johnny to start yelling while Mark’s back was turned, but instead Mark listened as the door opened softly and Donghyuck gasped from somewhere a bit further away. He heard Johnny mumble something before the door closed again, and Mark felt the presence of someone else in his room.

He still didn’t turn around. Instead, Mark forced his eyes to focus on the necklace on the wall, dread filling his every fibre, and while there was a tiny voice in his head telling him that this wouldn’t end like things had ended with Daniel, Mark didn’t believe a single word it said. All he could think about was the screaming, the touches he hadn’t wanted to feel and the words Daniel had spoken to him.

“ _You owe me this, Mark_.” And Mark had believed him. Mark had really thought he did owe Daniel something. 

“Mark,” Johnny’s voice was soft, the exact opposite of what Mark had expected, and it made Mark want to turn around and whine for Johnny to hold him. He hadn’t had physical touch in over a week and while the thought of it made his skin crawl, memories of unwanted touches far too close for comfort, he desperately needed Johnny to hold him close. “Please.” 

Mark dropped his head down. He wanted to turn around, wanted to see Johnny’s face, but he was terrified of what he was going to see. He was afraid Johnny would judge him, that he would be angry. That his soft voice and kind plea were just to fool Mark, to cover his true intent.

But then Mark remembered how Johnny had held him two weeks before, how Mark had felt absolutely terrible but Johnny had been there. How Johnny smiled at him, his eyes focused on nobody else but Mark whenever Mark spoke, even in a group. How, of all people, Johnny seemed to want Mark around the most. The protective hand on his back, the way Johnny always held Mark’s hand in public. 

Mark shook his head, angry at himself for believing that Johnny could be that terrible, and he turned around. When he allowed his eyes to travel upward to Johnny’s face, Mark was met with Johnny’s eyes already on him, the bags that adorned them a dark blue. Mark felt his heart break, and he curled his hand into fists at his sides. He felt anger rising in his chest, directed at himself, and Mark wished he could punch a wall.

Instead, he stayed quiet. 

“You look,” Johnny started, his eyes scanning Mark before they moved on to the rest of the room. “Tired.” 

Mark shuffled his feet on the wooden floor of his bedroom. He didn’t even nod, knew that Johnny knew he was right without Mark confirming it, and instead dropped his eyes to the floor. He felt self-conscious with Johnny suddenly in his room, a place the older had never been before. Johnny had been in their living room, of course, but Mark had never gone as far as inviting Johnny into his bedroom.

It wasn’t usually this messy and Mark wished Johnny didn’t have to see all of it. Mark was usually very adamant of the fact that one needed a clean space to function properly, something his father had installed in him from a young age, and no matter how tired or miserable he was, Mark went out of his way to clean his room. 

He wasn’t entirely sure why he hadn’t done it the past few days, though.

“You too.” The words escaped Mark before he could stop them, and he bit his lip right after. Johnny chuckled, stepping further into the room, and Mark flinched. He couldn’t take a step backward, for the back of his knees were already touching his mattress, and so he stayed still. Mark watched Johnny eye him with concern hidden behind his tired eyes, and Mark swallowed. 

“Why did you run?” Johnny asked, not beating around the bush, and Mark felt his throat close up. Johnny never beat around the bush, Mark knew this. It was part of the reason why they started dating so early after their first meeting and were as far as they were now, everything moving a bit faster with the way Johnny communicated things so well, but Mark found himself hating it in this situation. He didn’t want to hate it, for it belonged to Johnny and who he was as a person, but as someone who would rather run from his problems and keep them to themselves, having someone who did the exact opposite of that was terrifying. 

“We could have talked.” Johnny continued, and Mark knew this, too. It was part of the reason why he was so embarrassed about locking himself up in his room. He had no real reason to not talk it out with Johnny, to not tell him, but something had stopped Mark from doing just that. 

Perhaps it were the screams in his head from his parents, the sight of Jongin packing his suitcase with tears streaming down his face or the feeling of Daniel kissing him, Mark didn’t know. 

“I know.” Mark answered, wishing he could dig his foot further into the wood and disappear along with it. “I’m sorry.” 

“I need you to talk to me, Mark. I need to know what’s going on. Hell, you didn’t even tell me you have a brother.” 

Mark whipped his head up toward Johnny, his neck hurting in protest, but Mark ignored it. “How—”

“Your old FaceBook Mark. Jongin told me he didn’t even know we were dating, and that you usually told him everything. Why didn’t you tell him?” Johnny’s words were loud, but not too harsh. Mark could hear that Johnny was angry, somewhere deep down, but Mark knew that Johnny had every right to be. 

“I don’t— don’t know.” Mark whispered, defeated. “You weren’t supposed to find him.” 

Johnny raised an eyebrow, his anger rising to the surface, and Mark winced. “I wasn’t? I wasn’t supposed to meet the brother of my boyfriend? Were you _ever_ going to tell me about him? About your family?! Were you ever going to tell them?”

There was pain in Johnny’s voice, one that Mark never wanted to hear ever again, and he felt his throat constrict at the sight of Johnny’s hands flexing at his sides. 

“I was.” Mark said, his voice louder than what he wanted it to be. “I was going to tell them.” 

Johnny shook his head. “Look, Mark. I really— really like you. I don’t think I’ve connected with someone as well as I have connected with you. Ever. But if we want to make this work and perhaps build a future, I need you to be honest with me. About everything. Relationships are built on honesty and transparency, and I need that from you.”

Mark wasn’t sure on what to do. Part of him wanted to cry, but the tears couldn’t come. Mark had cried enough the past few days, apparently, and so he was left just standing there, looking at Johnny while he waited for more. 

As the silence stretched on, Mark realized that Johnny wasn’t going to say more at all. He was just going to stand there, much like Mark, and wait for him to say something. Mark wasn’t sure on what to say other than the fact that he was scared, terrified even, of losing Johnny. 

But, he was losing Johnny right now, too. If Mark kept his mouth shut, if he wasn’t honest with him, Johnny was going to leave. Mark swallowed, shaking his head, and opened his mouth. “I can’t.” 

Johnny frowned, folding his arms across his chest. “Why not?” 

“Because you’re going— you’re going to leave.” Mark whispered, voice soft in his room and for a second, the hope that Johnny hadn’t heard him filled his chest, soared through his veins before Johnny took yet another step closer and shook his head. 

“Of course not, Mark. That’s ridiculous.”

Mark raised an eyebrow. “Is it, though? So many others have done it.” 

Mark’s voice wasn’t loud because he was angry, he knew that. But, he had no other way to convey his words, his feelings, and his voice had grown louder than it had been for the past few days. 

“Ma—”

“If it was that ridiculous,” Mark started, standing up on his tippy-toes to take Daniel’s necklace off of the wall before turning back to Johnny. Mark threw the necklace on the ground right in front of Johnny’s feet. Johnny looked at him, his eyes wide, but Mark didn’t allow him to say anything. “You’re telling me you wouldn’t leave? When my parents did exactly that? When Daniel, after everything I did to him and went through because of him, did leave? He took everything from me! He took my parents, my fucking virginity that I wasn’t ready to lose and everything else! He took my ability to tell my brother everything and he fucking ruined my life and ruined me. Tell me you wouldn’t fucking leave?” 

Mark was crying again, something he wasn’t sure he was still capable of, and he could feel his knees giving in before he even noticed he was on the ground. “Mark—”

“Please, Johnny.” 

Johnny was next to him within a second, his hand on Mark’s back as it moved to pet him along his back. Mark heaved another sob, the feeling of someone touching him hurling him right back to what Daniel did, and he closed his eyes. 

“It’s going to be okay, Markie. I promise you.” Johnny whispered, leaning in close to Mark and wrapping his arms around Mark’s waist. Mark whimpered, falling further to the ground, and he sobbed once more. 

They sat there for what felt like hours, Johnny comforting Mark as he cried and cried, the skin around his eyes now a bright red and Johnny’s shirt soaked through from where Mark was leaning against him. Johnny’s soft words were nice, but Mark couldn’t make sense of them. Johnny just held him close, against his chest, and kissed the top of his head every now and again as another sob wrecked Mark’s body, and Mark allowed it. 

“I’m sorry.” He whispered after a while, making Johnny stop the movement of his hand across Mark’s back. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for, Markie. I shouldn’t have pushed.” Johnny whispered back, leaning in to press a kiss against Mark’s temple. Mark felt small in Johnny’s hold, sat on his lap on the floor, and it was nice. Mark felt like nothing could hurt him despite the fact that his mind was going one hundred miles an hour with thoughts that he didn’t want to think about anymore. 

He felt everything from the past few days wash off of him in waves with every kiss that Johnny pressed to his head, and Mark was grateful. He knew that he had more to explain, that his outburst didn’t even cover the tip of the iceberg, but for now he allowed for Johnny to hold him a little longer, drowning himself in the soft caress of Johnny’s hand in his hair.

“You know,” Mark was stirred awake from his post-crying slumber by Johnny’s voice, close to his ear and soft enough to prevent Mark from getting startled. Mark felt a little more relaxed. Johnny had fed him a quick meal of heated up pizza and a glass of water, and they had watched a few YouTube videos before Mark started to nod off.

Mark hummed, turning his head ever so slightly to dig his nose into the crook of Johnny’s neck. He hadn’t actually been asleep, only relishing in the warmth that Johnny radiated and the physical affection he so desperately needed, but Mark still couldn’t help but feel bad. “I used to have a boyfriend, back in Chicago.” 

Mark frowned, dread making his stomach feel heavy. Before Mark could pull away, though, Johnny tightened his hold around Mark’s waist to keep him in place. “Let me talk, okay?”

Mark nodded and kept his head tucked into Johnny’s neck, the soft scent of the older’s cologne comforting Mark in a way that he didn’t know was possible. “Okay.” 

Johnny leaned to the side and placed a kiss against the side of Mark’s head, the butterflies in Mark’s stomach fluttering calmly as he waited for Johnny to continue talking. The atmosphere around them changed and Mark could feel Johnny tense ever so slightly, and he realized that there was a possibility that Johnny was struggling to find the right words. 

It was odd, seeing as Johnny was absolutely brilliant when it came to sharing his feelings, always ready with the right words to say, but it made something in Mark’s body relax. He wasn’t entirely sure why, but perhaps it made Johnny seem more human. 

“We were in college, we were in love.” Mark felt his muscles tense up, a sinking feeling making his chest hurt, but before he could say anything, Johnny opened his mouth again. “Or so I thought.” 

Mark swallowed. He couldn’t imagine someone else hurting someone as kind, as beautiful and sweet as Johnny, but Mark had also learned that the world destroyed anything that they deemed different, too innocent or joyful. It kind of reminded him of the real-life version of Cinderella, where the step-mother confesses that the only reason she treated Cinderella the way she did was because of how innocent and kind she was. 

He had heard it from Ten, how his parents hadn’t supported his love for photography and dance. How they had wanted him to go study in the United States to become a doctor and then return home to Thailand to provide for them. While Mark knew that Ten cared deeply for his parents, Mark also knew that the way Ten’s parents had always pushed Ten’s creativity to the side had hurt him more than anything else had ever hurt him. 

“What happened?” Mark whispered into the skin of Johnny’s neck when Johnny stayed quiet for too long. He felt Johnny’s hand return to the small of his back, as if stroking Mark’s back was relaxing to Johnny as well, and Mark placed a soft kiss against Johnny’s skin once more. 

Johnny hummed, clearing his throat. “I thought we were in love. He told me he was, and he even invited me to visit his parents with him and stay the night. Though, when his parents called me his ‘friend’ I realized something was off. I was supportive, since not every parent is as open-minded as mine are and I didn’t want him to feel like he needed to come out to his family in order for me to stay with him,” Mark felt a shiver run down his spine and he clenched his eyes shut. It was the exact opposite from how Daniel had behaved, what he had said, and Mark wished he had met Johnny earlier. “And I told him that. And he looked happy, until I slipped up in front of his parents.” 

Mark frowned and managed to pull himself out of the crook of Johnny’s neck, moving to straddle Johnny’s lap properly instead. “What do you mean?” 

Johnny shrugged, a small smile on his face, and Mark was glad the tiny smile was still there. That despite the fact that what had happened wasn’t nice — or so Mark assumed — he could still smile. “I told them we were very happy together and that they had raised a wonderful son. His parents were shocked, to say the least. When he walked back into the kitchen where we were, his mother exclaimed that he was a horrible person for cheating on Rose.” 

Mark gasped, “You’re joking.” 

Johnny shook his head, his smile growing a little bit as he locked eyes with Mark. Mark felt warm, a strange sense of pride at the fact that even though Johnny was telling a terrible story, was sharing something that had clearly affected him quite a lot, he was still smiling at him. Still smiling with him. 

“I wish I was. Apparently, he had been dating this girl named Rose while also dating me, and his parents thought they were going to get engaged.” Johnny threw his head back, a soft chuckle leaving his lips, and for a second Mark wondered whether Johnny had truly lost it. He was comforted, though, by the squeeze of Johnny’s hand on his hip. “It was heartbreaking at the time, because I had really grown to love him. Whenever I look back on it now, though, it’s just funny.” 

Mark huffed, “How is that funny?” 

Johnny shrugged, “Because it taught me a lot, too. It taught me that some men are so, so horrible.” 

Mark frowned, not really getting how that was funny at all. 

“Sometimes so horrible that they lose both a boyfriend _and_ a girlfriend in one night.” 

Mark gasped, “How did that happen?” 

Johnny snorted, shaking his head. “While he was fighting with his parents I found his phone and called Rose. I told her what happened while he was screaming for me to stop through the bathroom door and when she arrived at the house to set things straight, I took my overnight bag and left.” 

Mark felt a laugh bubble up in his chest, and he allowed for it to escape. Johnny chuckled, too, and it made it easier for Mark to laugh again. He would have felt bad, horrible even for laughing at such a thing, for it was terrible and inhumane and Mark felt angry at Johnny’s ex-boyfriend for hurting someone so precious, but Johnny didn’t seem to mind. 

He seemed happy, even, that Mark was laughing. 

“So,” Johnny’s voice changed back to a more serious tone, and Mark focused back on him. “I swore to myself to never be someone’s secret again.” 

Mark hummed. The last puzzle piece fell into place, explained Johnny’s outburst at the prospect of being Mark’s secret, and even the sound of the word in Johnny’s mouth made Mark’s skin crawl in the worst way possible. “I’m sorry.”

Johnny shook his head, “You have nothing to be sorry for. Once you are ready I do want to know what exactly happened between you and your parents and also Daniel, but Jongin has told me the basis of it.”

Mark couldn’t find it in himself to be angry at either Johnny or his big brother for that. He kind of deserved it for the fact that he had kept his mouth shut around both of them, and Mark knew that it was for the better to be open about things. To communicate. And Mark wanted to try. 

Jongin didn’t even know about Daniel, had never learned who the boy was who Mark was seeing in secret, and Mark had hoped it could stay that way for a little longer. 

“I figured.” Mark said, shuffling closer to Johnny and allowing himself to lean against Johnny’s chest. Johnny was quick to wrap his arms around Mark’s torso, pulling him closer, and Mark sighed in relief. 

“He sounded very worried about you, you know?” 

The guilt came back in full force, making Mark’s throat dry up. He didn’t just feel guilty about not telling his brother, but also about keeping his friends in the dark for so long. They deserved to know more and while Mark still felt like it was irrelevant, that others had it far worse, he also knew somewhere deep inside that his friends wanted to know.

That Mark’s silence whenever they talked about their families had not gone unnoticed was something Mark was aware of, that he knew all too well. Kun had asked about them once, when they were all hanging out at Doyoung’s apartment a few months ago, right before the start of the new school year, and Mark had felt terrible for not being honest with Kun despite the fact that his own mind told him that nobody cared. 

He knew that the rest of them wanted to know, too. And Mark wanted them to know, wanted them to know what kind of horrible people his parents were and that Jongin existed. Mark was so proud of his brother and everything he was doing, and he wished he could gush about it to his friends without a care in the world. 

Mark knew that his parents would have a heart attack if they learned what Mark was up to, that he was thinking of changing his major and perhaps even dropping out of college until he felt one hundred percent ready to pursue education, and he also knew that he needed to learn how to not care about that anymore.

Like Jongin had told him when Mark first started college in New York, “ _They’re going to disagree with you, no matter what you do or choose to do._ ” 

It had sounded like the truth at the time, and Mark knew it too, but he still hadn’t learned how to deal with it properly. 

“I’ll call him tonight.” Mark stated, and Johnny gave him a soft kiss on the top of his head as an answer, and Mark smiled into the feeling. He woke up this morning feeling absolutely miserable, like he was crumbling and the rest of the world was still turning. No matter how much he hadn’t wanted for Johnny to come, he was glad the older did in the end. 

“Do you think Donghyuck has told everyone I’m here yet?” 

Mark groaned, shaking his head. He knew his friends were worried and wanted to know what had happened between them, and Mark really wanted to tell them and make sure that they weren’t worried anymore, but he was exhausted. Even if all of them were going to show up and break his door down, Mark wasn’t sure whether he could muster up the energy to explain everything. 

“Maybe.” Mark answered, his voice soft. 

“You can tell them at your own pace, you know?” Johnny said, and Mark felt like the ground had returned to support his feet and body, like Johnny had handed him something to hold onto, and Mark sighed. 

“I know.” 

“Good. Now, you should sleep some more.” 

Mark frowned, pulling back to look Johnny in the eye once again. “What about you?”

Johnny shrugged, “I’m staying, if you don’t mind.” 

The thought of not having to say goodbye to Johnny just so they could both go home and FaceTime until one of them fell asleep was very, very tempting, and so Mark hummed. “Yes please.” 

Mark found he always slept better with someone else in his bed, how odd that might sound, and so the thought of falling asleep with Johnny’s arms around him instead of the silence that always blanketed him made him feel more at ease. 

“Good, because I brought my overnight bag.” 

Mark chuckled, “You would have stayed even if I had said no.” 

Johnny hummed, turning Mark’s head with his hand in order to press a soft kiss against Mark’s lips. “I would have, yeah. I would have slept next to your door if you hadn’t let me in, too.” 

It was supposed to be a joke, Mark guessed, but it sounded so incredibly serious and loaded, it made Mark’s heart skip a beat. “You’re too good to me.”

Johnny scoffed, squeezing Mark a little harder. “I genuinely doubt that.” 

Mark sighed, but didn’t protest. Daniel’s necklace was still laying on the floor, and perhaps soon Mark would find the courage to throw it away. Johnny hadn’t touched it, hadn’t picked it up, and Mark knew that Johnny had many, many questions. He appreciated the silence Johnny gave him, though, and he closed his eyes to the feeling of Johnny’s fingers carding through his hair. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> IF YOU SKIPPED:  
> Johnny shows up at Mark's dorm and they manage to talk it out after Mark confesses that he is scared Johnny will leave once he realizes how much emotional baggage he has. Johnny tells him that that is bullshit, and that he will stay with him. Johnny makes him eat some food and have a drink, and when things have calmed down Johnny explains that his ex-boyfriend had hid him from his family, all the while dating another girl, and that that is the reason why Johnny doesn't want to be anyone's secret anymore. 
> 
> I hope you're doing well <3
> 
> comments and kudos are always, always appreciated :)


	14. Out

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heyooo
> 
> this is the second to last chapter. can u believe it bcs i surely can't. im like *vibrating*
> 
> anyway
> 
> WARNING: there is mention of rape within a relationship in this chapter. It isn't mentioned full on, but it is a topic that is discussed in the chapter. pls take care of yourself first, okay? Love you! I will add a couple sentences in the authors note at the end!
> 
> enjoy <3333

“Why are we _out_ here?” 

The small part of Central Park Johnny had taken Mark to was deserted, the early morning frost still laying heavily on the grass. Johnny didn’t say anything as he held onto Mark’s hands, pulling him toward a wooden bench between a handful of trees, and Mark willingly followed. 

Mark hadn’t been to Central Park often. Washington Square park was closer, prettier and far less crowded on beautiful summer days, and so he couldn’t quite say that he was familiar with the lay-out of the park. He had no idea where they were, only that they had passed the carousel at one point, but Mark found he wasn’t worried. 

“I figured it might make you feel a bit better.” Johnny answered, and Mark allowed for him to pull him down onto the bench. The wood was cold against his pants, the skin shivering underneath, but Mark didn’t stand back up again. The hand that Johnny had put on his thigh was comforting, warm, and Mark felt safe despite the fact that they were out in the open, where anyone could see them if they walked past. 

And Johnny was right. Mark hadn’t been outside ever since he ran out of Johnny’s apartment with soaked socks and a hammering heart, and the fresh air felt like therapy coursing through his lungs. It was nice, even though everything was cold and Mark felt like his hands were freezing off, but Mark tried to ignore that. 

“It does.” Mark said, leaning his head onto Johnny’s shoulders. Johnny had stayed the night at his dorm, and they had spent the evening watching Friends until both of them felt too tired to continue and decided to go to sleep. When Mark woke up, Johnny was moving around their kitchen preparing breakfast, and Donghyuck had been nowhere in sight. 

Part of Mark was relieved that his roommate and best friend had left, but he wasn’t exactly sure when Donghyuck had decided to take his leave. For all Mark knew, Donghyuck had heard the yelling and had left, then. And while that was a terrifying thought to have, that Donghyuck had heard everything, it was also relieving to know that there was one less person Mark had to tell everything to. 

Telling Johnny had been hard enough as it was, exhausting Mark to his core, and he hadn’t even told Johnny everything yet. Mark supposed that was why they were in the park, in such a well hidden spot, so that they could talk without being interrupted. Mark was grateful for it, for Johnny’s tact, for he felt a lot better talking in the outside world where his words would disappear into the air around them instead of staying locked into Johnny’s living room or Mark’s bedroom. 

“I’m glad.” Johnny’s voice didn’t sound urgent, didn’t sound like he wanted to rush Mark, and Mark felt tears trying to rise up to his eyes. He swallowed them down, though, and took hold of the hand Johnny had placed on his thigh, intertwining their fingers. Mark felt Johnny squeeze his hand, and it warmed Mark’s heart from the inside. 

“I’m sorry.” The words left Mark’s mouth before he could stop them from leaving his lips, and Johnny shifted beside him almost instantly. 

“You have nothing to apologize for.” 

“I should have told you the truth.” Mark reasoned. He felt like it was the only way to release the knot that had formed in his throat, the one that just wouldn’t leave even after a night of rest. It was the guilt, Mark knew, but he wished it would just leave. 

“You should have, but I think it is much more complicated than that.” Johnny’s words rang true in Mark’s head, and he closed his eyes, the skin of his cheek warm against the side fabric of Johnny’s coat. Mark couldn’t hear his parents screaming in his head anymore, Johnny blocking out with his breathing, and Mark felt like he could relax for the first time in a long time. 

“My parents,” Mark started, his throat already blocked by upcoming tears. “They were controlling.” 

“How so?” Johnny asked, squeezing Mark’s hand once more, and Mark sighed. He could see his breath in the air like a small cloud, and he watched it fade away. 

“I wasn’t allowed to make my own choices. I could only be friends with people who I could profit off, who they could profit off of. They tried to shape Jongin and I into the perfect children they wanted, that they could show to the media and be called good parents.” Mark remembered when an article was written about him, about one of his soccer matches. He had tackled a child from the opposing team, and the article called Mark an ‘aggressive child that needed help’ when Mark was anything but. 

His parents had yelled at him for hours on end, reading and rereading the article to a fourteen year old Mark, and Mark could still feel the sting on his left cheek from where his mother had hit him when he wouldn’t stop crying. 

“They were—,” Mark swallowed, “homophobic, as well. They didn’t agree with it, hated it and spewed it to us like an angry agenda. We weren’t allowed to associate with ‘those people’ and for a while, we believed it. But then Jongin started high-school and kissed a boy that thought Jongin was pretty, and Jongin taught me that there was nothing wrong with liking boys.” 

“That’s brave of him.” Johnny said, his voice close to Mark’s ear, and Mark felt his walls crumble around him with every passing second, the need to tell Johnny everything growing to such an overwhelming degree that he felt like he was going to drown in it if he didn’t get to say what he wanted to say. 

“It was. And we started to talk more, talk about how we felt about the things our parents were doing to us. It felt nice to have someone to talk to about such things and Jongin and I grew closer and closer. That’s when,” Mark swallowed, closing his eyes. He could still remember the day he met Daniel. Mark had been captivated from the moment Daniel walked into the World History classroom. Daniel ignored him for most of the class despite the fact that the teacher had put them next to each other, but Daniel had given Mark his number by the end of it. 

Johnny kept quiet, allowing for Mark to get his mind in order and to wish away the thoughts of Daniel and the feeling of wandering hands he never wanted. The birds were starting to wake up, the sun rising above the buildings around the park, and Mark closed his eyes. Ten loved Central Park, loved to take pictures of the trees and the sunrise, and Mark noted to join Ten on a photography trip soon. 

“That’s when I met Daniel. He was nice, understood everything and we had fun. But—” 

“My guess is that that didn’t stay that way?” Johnny asked, placing a kiss on top of Mark’s head when he choked. 

“He started ignoring me, but whenever I was late to answer a text of his we would fight about it. We started fighting more and more, and soon enough he was all I had left for he had taken my friends from me. The only people I still talked to at school were him and two freshmen, Chenle and Jisung, that I tutored because my mother wanted me to.” Mark closed his eyes and wanted nothing more than Johnny having the ability to read his mind. He wished that Johnny could read it from him instead of him having to speak it out loud, but he knew that wasn’t possible. 

“And then— then he started demanding things. He told me that since we were dating, I owed him that much. He—” Mark clenched his eyes shut at the memory of the pain he had felt, the way Daniel had held him against the bed despite the fact that Mark wouldn’t stop begging him not to. Mark hated how he had gone limp at one point, had given up the struggle and allowed for Daniel to have his way.

Mark felt Johnny tense, his shoulders suddenly going rigid, but before Johnny could say anything and Mark lost his nerve, he continued. “He wanted and wanted, and I just— I couldn’t stop him.” 

“Do you mean to say he—”

“He did. I didn’t realize what it was until I came to New York and the nightmares kept coming. I thought the nightmares were linked to Los Angeles, that they would leave after I left, but they continued. And then I heard what some of the girls on campus have experienced, and it made sense.” Mark felt the first tear fall, rolling down his left cheek, and he hated it. He wanted to allow Johnny to say something, to talk, but Mark knew that if he stopped now, he wouldn’t be able to continue. 

“He wanted me to come out to my parents. He demanded that I do, that if I really loved him I would come out. And so, I did. I did and my parents yelled at me, wouldn’t stop screaming. Jongin took my side and came out as bi-sexual in the middle of it all. He packed his bag the same night and was gone by morning.” 

“Why didn’t you leave?” Johnny asked, his hand playing with Mark’s fingers, and Mark wished his answer made sense. 

“I couldn’t. I felt too guilty, like I had failed my parents. They had already lost one child when Jongin walked out, and I didn’t want to leave them alone in that big, stupid house of theirs. When I called Daniel to tell him that I had come out, he laughed. He laughed at me and broke up with me.” Mark closed his eyes as more tears threatened to fall. He could feel his cheeks growing colder with every tear, the way they stained his skin making them vulnerable to the cold. 

“Christ.” Johnny said, and Mark wanted to laugh. He felt like a weight was lifted off of his shoulders. Like shackles around his ankles and wrists were released, and Mark was free to go wherever he wanted. It was stupid to think that, but it gave him hope, even if it was the smallest of slivers. 

When the silence stretched on for a few moments, Mark realized that Johnny was probably looking for words to say. His shoulders were still tense as if he was holding himself back, and a small piece of Mark wanted him to burst, wanted him to be angry. Mark guessed that he was angry, after all, could feel it in the way Johnny was sitting, and the other part of him that didn’t want Johnny to be angry felt guilty. 

“Well, for starters, your parents don’t deserve you.” Mark managed a dry chuckle at Johnny’s declaration. It didn’t feel true to Mark. Instead, he felt like he was the one undeserving of everything around him. “Secondly, if I ever meet Daniel I will punch his head in.” 

“You could take him, easy.” Mark joked, and he felt rather than heard Johnny give him a chuckle in return. 

“My parents were never the loving type, I guess, so when you mentioned yours I just— I got so scared. My dad always wanted me to be perfect at everything. It kind of took the fun out of anything I tried.” Mark confessed. 

“When you’re not perfect at it right away, you stop.” Johnny observed, and Mark felt like someone had punched him in the gut for the briefest of seconds. Johnny was right, of course, but to hear it from someone else like that was a different experience than when Mark’s mind told him that. 

“Yeah, basically.” 

“Maybe you should find something that you enjoy, and keep that as a hobby. It might help you relax more.” 

“I do have hobbie—”

“Netflix doesn’t count.” 

Mark pouted, but he knew that Johnny was right. He knew it and had tried it, the reminder of his empty microsoft word document making his fingers itch to write something. “Maybe I’ll start writing again.”

Johnny made a curious noise, “You write?”

Mark shook his head. “I used to, back in middle school.” 

“Then I suggest you start writing again. You need something that is yours.” 

Mark moved his head off of Johnny’s shoulders and instead turned it to look at the older. Johnny looked beautiful from the side, his profile casted in the soft glow of the morning sun, and Mark wondered how he had ended up with someone like Johnny. What he had done to deserve Johnny in his past life was still unknown to Mark, but the Mark from this life knew that he was going to treasure every minute he had with Johnny. “Thank you.” 

Mark watched Johnny frown before the older turned his head to look at him, “For what?” 

Mark shrugged, “For listening. For pushing me, really. It feels nice to have finally told someone.” 

Johnny pulled a face and for a second Mark thought he had done something wrong until Johnny squeezed his hand again, and Mark’s heart calmed down. “I may have gone to college for it, but I’m not your therapist. Have you ever thought about going to therapy?” 

Mark shook his head, “Not as like a serious thing. Ten told me that it helped, too. If both of you are telling me it might help me, I guess it wouldn’t hurt to try.” 

While the thought of talking to a stranger about all of the things that kept Mark occupied was terrifying at best, there was also a new, tiny spark that had enlightened itself in Mark’s chest, one that wanted to learn how to deal with these things and perhaps even move on from them. Of course the voice that told Mark that his problems weren’t as bad as others was still there, but for now Mark tried to drone that out. 

“At your own pace, Mark. Everything at your own pace.” Johnny said, before leaning in and Mark smiled before doing the same, their lips brushing in a soft kiss that made Mark’s skin feel like it was on fire almost instantly. 

“Want to grab breakfast?” Johnny then asked, and Mark nodded. He hadn’t eaten a whole lot the past few days, and so a good breakfast sounded like a good idea. 

“Of course.” 

Mark wished he had seen it coming. He really should have seen it coming considering the fact that Donghyuck had been home for at least half of Johnny and his argument, but it was still a surprise to Mark when he opened the front door to his dorm and was met with several pairs of shoes haphazardly thrown into a big heap next to the actual shoe rack. 

Mark swallowed, freezing in his step behind Johnny. There were a couple of voices travelling from the living room down the hall, but the second Mark bumped the front door close with his shoulder they died down. 

“We can leave, if you want.” Johnny whispered over his shoulder, as if sensing Mark’s distress, but Mark shook his head. He needed to face his friends one way or the other and they deserved an explanation of his behaviour for the last few days, at least. Mark didn’t want them to worry any more than they already had despite the fact that Mark still felt like they shouldn’t worry about him at all. 

“No,” Mark swallowed before he toed his shoes off. “I should talk to them.” 

Johnny turned around, his coat already halfway down his shoulders. He reached out to take Mark’s hand in his, squeezing, and Mark felt his cheeks heat up for the slightest of seconds. “You don’t _have_ to, if you’re not ready.” 

Mark felt like he would never be ready. He still felt part of the courage that had helped him tell Johnny everything on that bench in Central Park, and Mark knew that if he didn’t tell his friends even the smallest of things now, he wouldn’t get the courage again for a long time. “I want to.” 

Mark watched Johnny nod at him and felt him squeeze his hand once more before letting it go to take his coat off. Mark followed his motions, hanging his coat up on the already full rack. He felt as if an elephant had suddenly put all four of his feet on his chest and Mark felt the sudden inability to breathe properly, but he pushed forward. 

He followed Johnny down the short hall, walking past his opened bedroom door, and walked into the living room with his eyes focused to the back of Johnny’s head. Mark hated the silence of it, had never seen all of his friends together without anyone speaking a word, and he wished it would get louder. 

Mark moved his gaze from the back of Johnny’s head to the two couches Donghyuck and him owned, and he felt his heart swell. All of his friends were there, wide eyes as they looked at Mark. And while Mark hated the attention, disliked the fact that his friends had been so worried about him, to see them all together like that for _him_ was a heart-warming sight. 

Ten and Kun were seated on one of the couches, their eyes focused on Johnny instead of Mark. Donghyuck was sitting on the ground in between Jaemin’s legs, his eyes wide and focused on Mark, and Mark felt guilt close his throat. Jeno and Renjun were sitting next to Jaemin on the couch, Renjun’s eyes not meeting Mark’s, and Mark hated it. 

“Hi,” Mark started, surprising even himself. His voice was a little scratchy, his throat hurting from all the talking Johnny and him had done after days of not using his voice, but his friends seemed to relax a little. “I’m sorry.”

Ten stood up within an instant, marching to Mark and Mark gasped when Ten wrapped his arms around him, his hold nearly too tight. Mark kept his mouth shut, though, allowed for Ten to hold him close before he pulled away. “You have nothing to be sorry for.” 

“We were worried.” Jaemin said from where he was still seated on the couch, and Donghyuck nodded along with his words. 

“What happened?” Jeno rushed to ask, earning himself a stern look from both Kun and Renjun, but Mark didn’t mind. He hadn’t spoken a word to any of his friends ever since running out on Johnny at his apartment. They had every right to be worried and concerned. 

“I freaked out.” Mark answered. He knew it was vague, but he really needed to sit down to tell the whole story if that was what his friends wanted to hear. Mark looked to the side and made eye-contact with Johnny who nodded at him, and Mark turned back to look at his friends. Ten was still standing in front of him, shock written all over his face, and Mark wanted to do nothing more than to apologize for scaring Ten the way he had done when he called him from the rooftop. 

“Can we sit?” Johnny asked and Mark was grateful, for he wanted nothing more than to sit at a time like this. He could still hear his parents screaming in his head, see Jongin’s tears as he packed his suitcase, but Mark tried to push that away. He needed to focus now, needed to tell his friends what had happened and why he behaved the way he did. 

Ten pulled away further and took Mark’s hand in his, guiding him toward the couch he had been sitting on with Kun. Kun moved out of the way too after squeezing Mark’s shoulders, and Mark smiled at him before he sat down. 

He was aware of the eyes on him, the way they were all eyeing him as if he was about to break apart any second, but Mark focused on Johnny instead, feeling him sit down beside Mark. Johnny placed a hand on Mark’s knee and Mark bit his lip, the heaviness in his chest fading ever so slightly. 

“I don’t know where to start.” Mark then said, because it was true. There were so many things he thought his friends deserved to know that his head was starting to spin with the feeling of it. 

“Why did you lock yourself in your room?” Renjun asked, and Mark could feel his lip starting to tear under the pressure of his teeth. Before Mark could reply, though, Johnny opened his mouth. 

“I mentioned my parents — I wanted to know whether Mark’s parents knew about, well, our relationship.” 

Donghyuck gasped, “So that’s why you asked me those weird questions?” 

Mark closed his eyes and let out a sigh before nodding his head. “Yeah. Sorry about that.” 

“My guess is they didn’t.” Kun commented, and Mark nodded at him. 

“They didn’t. I hadn’t even told my brother.” Mark confessed and even saying it made the back of his neck itch with guilt, his throat suddenly going dry. Johnny didn’t move his hand though and when Mark turned his head to look at him, he didn’t look angry, either. 

“The truth is — as everyone here knows I have a terrible relationship with my parents,” Mark continued, his hands starting to shake. Mark wanted to run, wanted to leave and never come back but he also wanted to stay. He wanted to stay with his friends, the people he trusted with his life and more, and wanted to tell them what exactly had been going on. It was terrifying. 

To their credit, everybody stayed quiet. Mark wasn’t sure whether he had heard Donghyuck stay quiet for such a long period of time, but it didn’t seem like the right time to make a joke. Instead, he looked back at his knees and opened his mouth. “They rejected me when I came out as gay. My brother, Jongin, came out as bisexual to protect me and fled the house the same night. They — my parents aren’t the best people and I couldn’t wait to get away from them.” 

“Why didn’t you leave then?” Jaemin asked, his eyes wide. 

Mark shrugged, “I felt like I couldn’t.” 

“Why did you come out to your parents if you knew they weren’t going to accept you?” Kun’s tone wasn’t accusatory, not in the slightest, and Mark knew his question was normal. Johnny had asked him the exact same thing, after all. 

Mark swallowed. He could feel his hands getting sweaty and his throat getting dry. The thought of Daniel was excruciating, the memories that kept him up some nights coming back up as his friends looked at him with wide eyes. “Did you even want to?” 

“Not really.” Mark answered Renjun, “I wanted to wait until I was safe in New York.” 

“So why did you?” Jeno asked, and Mark sighed. 

“I had — had a boyfriend in high school.” Mark spoke, his voice lower than he wanted it to be. 

“Oh no.” Ten said, “He didn’t—”

“He did.” Mark interrupted him. He needed to say this now and if he allowed for anyone else to say it for him, he was going to hate himself forever. “He wanted me to come out — said I didn’t love him if I didn’t.” 

“What’s his name?” Renjun asked, and he sounded betrayed. Mark couldn’t entirely blame him, for Renjun and him had been internet friends through high school and Mark had never mentioned Daniel to him. 

“Daniel.” Mark answered, looking up to look at Renjun. Instead, he was met with his friends looking at him, worry clear in their eyes, and Mark hated it. “We dated for nearly a year and a half, I think.” 

“What happened after you came out?” Kun asked. 

“He — he,” Mark felt Johnny squeeze his thigh, a small gesture of comfort, and Mark felt the heat of Johnny’s hand heat up his entire body. “He broke up with me. I called him to tell him and he laughed before breaking up with me.”

“I’m going to fu—”

“Hyuck, no.” Jaemin pushed his hand in front of Donghyuck’s mouth to quieten his boyfriend, and Mark surprised himself by letting out a dry chuckle. 

“Did he—” Mark whipped his head around to look at Ten, who was eyeing Mark with something in his gaze that Mark couldn’t quite place. “Did he ever take advantage of you?” 

Mark froze. He wasn’t sure how Ten had figured that out from the things Mark had told them all, but it seemed that Ten was determined to figure out the answer to his question, for he was now looking at Johnny as if he was going to answer him instead of Mark. 

“I swe—”

“Jeno, please.” Johnny was the one to interrupt someone this time, speaking out for the first time ever since they had taken a seat, and Mark wished he could thank him. Instead, he looked at Jeno and simply nodded. 

“He did.” 

“Oh Mark,” Donghyuck’s voice was soft, his own hand going up to his mouth this time, and Mark felt the tears start to brim at his eyes as the memories were once again brought back to the forefront. He had seen them while talking to Johnny this morning and seeing them again hurt. A lot. 

“Is that — with Lucas?” Renjun’s voice was smaller now, not like Mark was used to at all, and he sighed before nodding. 

“Yeah.” 

A silence fell over the group. Mark felt his shoulders relax for the first time since they walked inside. It felt like the elephant had taken one of his feet off of his chest and Mark felt like he could breathe again. He hadn’t told them about the things his parents had done when he was younger, hadn’t gone into detail about how Daniel had treated him, and yet it was as if Mark had laid himself bare entirely. He felt naked while he allowed for his friends to gather themselves, to let everything sink in, and while it was uncomfortable and Mark wanted to run, he stayed put. 

Jeno was the first to move and before Mark had fully caught on, he was pulled off of the couch and engulfed into a hug. He smiled into it, laying his head on Jeno’s shoulders. He felt warmth surge through him, the fear of his friends leaving him after telling them all of this now just a small speck among the bigger things, and it was overwhelming to the point where Mark could feel more tears spill from his eyes. 

Suddenly, Mark felt someone against his back. Before he could move his head, he felt arms from his sides too, and Mark realized with a gasp that he was being engulfed into a group hug. Adoration and love for his friends surged through him like wild-fire and before he could stop it, a sob wrecked through him. 

“I love — love you guys so much.” 

“And we love you, Markie. Please, never ever hide these things from us.” Ten said from somewhere among the hug, and Mark chuckled. He had no idea where his limbs stopped and the other’s began, but he could feel everyone around him. 

“We can help, Mark. We love you — let us help.” Kun continued, and Donghyuck hummed. 

“We will help.” 

Mark bit his lip to prevent himself from sobbing out loud, but he hoped his friends could feel how much he loved them. 

There was still a small part of him that didn’t believe he deserved all of this, but Mark tried to block that out as much as he could. He wanted to enjoy this, no matter how long or short it would last, and for once he felt like nothing could stop him from doing just that. 

The living room had gone dark. Several of Mark’s friends had made themselves comfortable on the couches while Mark and Johnny were laying on the spare mattress Donghyuck kept in his room. The only noises around him were the soft voices of Jaemin and Jeno having a discussion Mark couldn’t entirely follow, the sound of the rain in the movie and Johnny’s breathing in his ear. 

Mark loved it. 

It was calming, especially after a day like he had had. 

Jaemin and Renjun had come up with the idea to start their Harry Potter marathon early despite the fact that the winter holidays hadn’t started yet, and that was really the thing Mark needed without even knowing he needed it. 

Mark felt Johnny shift beside him and he followed, curling further into Johnny’s chest. Johnny placed a soft kiss on the top of his head and Mark smiled to himself, his eyes focused on the screen. Harry had just made the glass disappear out of thin air and he could hear Jeno and Kun let out a giggle at Dudley’s face. It felt normal, peaceful, and Mark loved it. 

“Are you alright?” Johnny whispered into his ear, and Mark hummed. His heart had stopped beating erratically in his chest, slowing down to the usual tempo, and Mark felt like the elephant had taken one more foot off of his chest as the minutes went by. 

“Yeah.” He answered, allowing for Johnny to pull him impossibly closer. Ten and Kun were cuddled up next to them on the floor, laying on a heap of pillows, and Mark didn’t want to disrupt their viewing by giving a longer answer. 

Johnny didn’t seem to mind, though, for he didn’t say anything and instead squeezed Mark’s waist. Mark allowed himself to relax a little bit more, trying his best to focus on the movie on the screen. 

He managed it for a little while before he could feel eyes on him. Mark turned his head ever so slightly, only to be met with Ten already looking at him. “Hi.” 

Ten’s features broke into a small smile, “Hi, how are you feeling?” 

Mark shuffled across the mattress to get closer to Ten, Johnny’s arms letting him go. He could still feel Johnny’s hand on the small of his back and Mark smiled to himself, taking great comfort in it. 

“I’m — doing better than expected.” Mark answered, honestly. He felt like he wouldn’t be able to lie to his friends ever again, not after what took place today, and one part of him hated it while the rest of him liked the idea of never having to watch out for what he said ever again. 

Ten nodded, “I’m very proud of you.” 

Ten’s voice was soft but Mark felt his words all throughout his body, his chest warming up from the inside out. “Why?” 

Ten shuffled closer too, and Mark felt him take hold of his hand. “Because — it took guts to tell all of us. You did great, Mark.” 

Mark swallowed, and for a second he wanted to shake his head and deny it. His mind told him to, told him that telling his friends wasn’t such a big deal and that Mark shouldn’t be complimented for doing as such, but he didn’t. He bit his lip instead, preventing the words from tumbling out of his mouth, and he squeezed Ten’s hand. 

“Thank you.” 

Mark felt like his head was going to explode with the need to contradict Ten and his compliment, but he managed to keep his mouth shut and scooted back over to Johnny. Mark could hear the soundtrack of the movie, the way Jaemin hummed along with it, and he felt his mind shut up after a while. 

“Look at baby Draco!” Jaemin said when the blonde appeared on screen, holding his hand out to eleven-year old Harry. “So in love.” 

Mark huffed to himself, shaking his head. He could hear Johnny letting out a loud chuckle before he felt the older turn his head around to look into the living room. “You think he was in love?” 

Jaemin scoffed, “Of course! The books are terrible gay coded, you know? Draco and Harry belong to each other.” 

Johnny raised an eyebrow, something Mark knew Jaemin couldn’t see for it was far too dark in the living room, but it looked terribly attractive nonetheless. “I don’t disagree, but I don’t think Draco realized he was in love with Harry until the War started.” 

Donghyuck groaned, “Johnny, not you too.” 

“Hell yeah Johnny! Finally someone who agrees with me!”

“I never said I disagreed with you?” Kun exclaimed, sitting up and turning his head. 

Jaemin waved him off, “You said that Draco and Harry would never work out.” 

“That doesn’t mean he meant that they didn’t love each other.” Renjun defended Kun, and Mark rolled his eyes. 

“I think Draco and Harry would have been cute.” Jeno joined, earning himself a smack on his thigh from Renjun. “What?”

“All the angst would have made some of the movies more interesting.” Ten commented before reaching over for the bowl of chips, popping a few into his mouth. 

“Back to Johnny—” Jaemin spoke. Mark grumbled before he reached over to pause the movie, the remote laying next to him on the floor. He could guess that this argument was going to last long and despite the fact that he had seen the movies hundreds of times, he didn’t want to miss anything. 

Johnny shifted beside Mark before he sat up. Mark huffed but he followed, allowing for Johnny to sling an arm around his shoulder and pull him close as they faced the living room together. Jaemin was sitting up now, focused on Johnny, and Mark wanted to laugh. “Do you agree that Draco should have confessed his love to Harry in the Room of Requirement? In The Deathly Hallows?”

Johnny hummed, “Not that particular scene. I had hoped for Draco joining the Golden Trio after they were caught and brought back to the Manor.” 

Mark could hear several groans around him, for they knew that Jaemin had finally found someone who agreed with him, and Mark chuckled. “Of course you did, Johnny.” 

“What?” Johnny asked, turning to look at Mark. “I think it would have been cute.” 

“It would have been but Draco could’ve gotten killed.” 

“That’s worth the risk, though!” Jaemin exclaimed. 

“Can we please turn the movie back on, you saps?” Renjun yelped, and Mark listened to his command without asking anyone else, the music starting back up and the voices of the students in the Great Hall filling up the room once more. 

Mark wasn’t sure what he had done in his past life to deserve his friends, but he noted to himself to try his very best to not lose them, ever. They all loved him in their own different way and Mark knew that he still had a very long time to go until he one hundred percent believed them, but he was willing to try. 

There was the possibility of him regretting ever telling his friends, but Mark hoped that Johnny would be there to catch him if that happened. 

For now, he pulled Johnny back down to lay on the mattress and cuddled closer to him, his head laying on the elder’s chest. Mark could feel Johnny petting his hair, the movement relaxing him instantly, and he sighed to himself as he tried to focus back on the movie. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AAH
> 
> kudos and comments are always appreciated ;; i love them very much ;; the support this fic has gotten is amazing and im so, so thankful. 
> 
> thank you for reading. i love you all immensely. 
> 
> IF YOU COULDN'T READ SOME OF THE SECTIONS CUZ OF TRIGGER WARNING;  
> mark talks to his friends about things that happened between him and daniel and Ten guesses that Daniel did things to Mark that Mark didn't want. Mark also tells Johnny.
> 
> [feel free to say hello on twitter! id loved to be friends](https://twitter.com/softyjseo)  
> [or leave a message in my cc!](https://curiouscat.me/softyjseo)


	15. Fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy my loves

“I’m _fine,_ I promise.”

Mark hoped his words would reach Jongin. He didn’t want his brother to worry anymore than he already had. Jongin had sacrificed so many things for him and he deserved to live without worry. But, by the way Jongin raised an eyebrow as he looked into the camera, Mark knew that his words hadn’t quite caught on just yet. 

Jongin was looking at a camera and thousands of miles away and yet Mark felt like he was looking through his soul. “From what you just told me I doubt you’re fine.” 

Jongin’s voice wasn’t disappointed. He didn’t sound like he was angry, not like he had sounded when he told their parents off. He sounded worried, like he was ready to catch the next flight to New York. And while Mark would like to see him again soon, he didn’t want Jongin to waste his time by getting on a plane when he had a more than okay support system right here in New York. 

Mark bit his lip. He looked around Johnny’s bedroom, trying his hardest to avoid the glare Jongin was giving him. The room was tidy but still resembled the room of a college student. There were pictures on the wall of Johnny’s parents, ones Mark had studied while waiting for Jongin to answer his call, and pictures of Johnny with his friends from home. 

“I know it’s a lo—”

“Yeah! It is a whole lot.” Jongin exclaimed, and Mark winced. “Why didn’t you tell me this earlier?” 

Mark closed his eyes, shrugging. He had told Jongin the same thing he had told his friends. Perhaps a few more details here and there, but Jongin had listened while Mark talked and tried his hardest to explain himself and for that he was grateful. “Because I felt like I could handle it.” 

It was one of the things Mark had realized after talking to his friends, while they watched Harry Potter and Harry refused to tell his friends what was bothering him. Something had clicked inside of him, connected in his mind, and while the realization had been confronting and was the cause for Mark’s lack of sleep last night, he liked knowing a bit more about himself. 

Jongin sighed, shaking his head. “Oh Markie, I’m so sorry.” 

Mark shook his head in return. He didn’t want Jongin to be sorry, didn’t want him to feel guilty. There were many things Jongin deserved to feel, but guilt wasn’t one of them. “It’s not your fault, Jonginnie. I promise.” 

Jongin chuckled, “I can’t help but feel like it is.” 

Mark sighed. “Remember when that boy kissed you, in high school?” 

Jongin raised an eyebrow before nodding. “What has that got to d—”

“After that happened, we started to talk more. About love. About the ability to love a boy despite being one, and how that was okay. You helped me a lot with that. I felt like my thoughts weren’t bad ones for the first time ever.” Mark said, hoping Jongin would get the message. 

“But that led to you meeting Daniel.” 

Mark rolled his eyes. “That would have happened no matter what, Jongin. You know that as much as I do.” 

Jongin sighed, throwing his head back. The connection went a bit grainy before it went back to normal and Mark could hear some shuffling coming from Johnny’s living room. The decision to stay at Johnny’s place had been an easy one to make. Mark felt like he would spiral if he was left alone and Johnny had seemed to agree, and so Mark had spent the hours in the morning trying his hardest to catch up to school work and feeling like he was going to vomit while waiting for the right time to call Jongin. 

“Mom would say it was God’s will.” 

Mark felt a dry chuckle leave his lips before he could stop it. His mother had always been the type to believe that God only presented someone with what they could handle, and while Mark had never agreed with that statement, he knew deep down that he would have met Daniel anyway. Or someone like him, for that matter. 

“Have they talked to you at all?” Mark asked, his fingers finding the edge of Johnny’s blanket. He felt the fabric slide between his fingers and he felt his heart slow down slightly, his erratic heartbeat calming down. The fact that this room screamed Johnny and everything he held dear helped, too, Mark realized. 

Jongin laughed. Mark raised his head from where he had been looking at where the fabric of the blanket lay between his fingers, and raised an eyebrow. Jongin just giggled before ruffling his hair, his small smile turning into a slight grimace. Mark knew that his laugh hadn’t meant anything good. “Mom texted me three weeks ago, congratulating me on my shoot for Guess.”

Mark raised an eyebrow. He could tell that there was something else hidden between the words, a message nestled within his mother’s syllables, and with the way Jongin’s eyes drifted away from his phone to something behind it, Mark knew he was right. “And?” 

Jongin scoffed. “She told me it was a shame that it was with a man, though. Told me how wonderful it would have been for my image to have done it with a woman.” 

Mark sighed, closing his eyes. He balled his left hand into a fist, the fabric of Johnny’s blanket crumpling with the force of it. Jongin had had a period in his life where he had their parents blocked, and Mark wondered why he didn’t just block them again. Mark had seen the shoot, too, the one Jongin was talking about. The pictures had been beautiful, Jongin on the beach wearing a pair of jeans while the other model wore a light blouse and a pair of swimming trunks. Mark thought they had both looked beautiful, Jongin’s tanner skin looking wonderful in the sun. 

“That’s bullshit.” 

Jongin chuckled. “Believe me, Mark, I know.” 

Mark laughed, too, surprising himself. The weight that had lifted itself off of Mark’s chest after he told Johnny and his friends everything still hadn’t returned, leaving more space for Mark to experience the lightness of living without a lie. It was nice, something Mark didn’t want to lose. 

“Thanks.” Mark said after a few moments of silence, and Jongin itched his nose before turning back to look at him, an eyebrow raised toward his hairline. 

“For what?” 

Mark chuckled. If Jongin had been in the same room as in, he would have thrown the closest pillow at the older. All he could do now, though, was shake his head. “For listening. For caring.” 

Jongin sighed. It was a heavy sigh, one that made its way through Mark’s body like a burning flame, and he felt his cheeks heat up. “Of course. I love you, okay? And please talk to me from now on. And if you don’t, I’ll ask Johnny. Don’t tempt me.” 

Mark flushed, lowering his eyes back to the blanket. “I love you too.” 

When Mark looked back at his phone screen, Jongin was smiling at him. “What?” 

Jongin shook his head, “Nothing. Johnny seems nice.” 

Mark felt his cheeks flush once more, but for a different reason this time. “He is.” 

“Can’t wait to meet him.” Jongin continued, “Does he like coffee? Chocolate? Is he a beer kind of guy or a liquor kind of guy?” 

Mark gaped at Jongin. “He likes liquor, sure. And coffee. Speaking of, I need to meet Chanyeol, too.” 

Jongin hummed, “Perhaps he and I should take a plane to New York coming summer. When does your summer break start?” 

Mark felt his heart sink in his chest. He let go of the blanket, not wanting to tear it apart. “I don’t know, I’ll have to look.” 

“Did something happen during a lecture?” Jongin then asked, and Mark wished that his brothers’ perceptiveness wasn’t as good as it was. Jongin could be as thick as an elephant’s skin sometimes, while other times he was like a hawk. Mark preferred the elephant’s skin, especially at times like these. 

“I— I don’t—” 

“Mark, it’s okay. You can tell me anything, alright?” 

Mark nodded, heaving a sigh. He needed to rip the bandaid off, fast and painful as it was. “I’m not sure whether I want to finish college or not.” 

Mark closed his eyes after his hasty confession. The silence in the room was too deafening all of a sudden and Mark wished that Johnny would do something in the living room. Before he could say something, anything, Jongin cleared his throat. 

“College isn’t for everyone, Mark. If you don’t like your major, you change it. If you want to take some time, you do that. You’re not required to do it like everyone else, okay?” Jongin’s voice was soft, as if he was speaking to a younger child, but Mark didn’t mind it. It wasn’t condescending like Mark knew his parents would have reacted, but instead laced with love and carefulness. Mark felt like he could cry. 

“I know I ju—”

“Mom and dad have no power over you anymore, not after kicking you out. If you need time, take it. You deserve it.” 

“Where did this wisdom come from?” Mark joked, wiping at his eyes as a small tear managed to break free. He wanted to break the tensefulness of the situation, wanted Jongin to chuckle or giggle again, but Jongin’s face stayed serious as he kept his eyes on Mark. 

“Chanyeol’s sister didn’t finish college, either. She took a gap year to work on herself, to get help, and discovered her love for fashion. She has a small business now but she’s got potential. You need to find something that makes you happy, Mark, and if college isn’t that then that’s okay.”

Mark sighed and threw his head back, accepting the tears that were now rolling down his cheeks. “Dammit, Jonginnie.” 

That seemed to do it, for Jongin chuckled again. The sound bounced around Mark’s head, echoing in his ears, and it was a wonderful sound. Things had gone better than he had expected. He had expected for Jongin to be disappointed, perhaps to the point where he had hung up on him. And yet again, Mark realized that he had a tendency to discredit the people around him and their love for him. 

“No matter what you decide, I support you.” Jongin said. Warmth spread through Mark’s body, a small smile appearing on his face, and he nodded. 

“Thank you.” 

Jongin hummed, “Promise me one thing, though.”

Mark nodded, “What?”

“No more secrets.” 

Mark froze. There was a part of him that still wanted to say no, to tell Jongin that he couldn’t keep that promise for the thought of telling Jongin everything made his skin crawl. But there was also a part of him that wanted to grow from this, wanted to try and learn, and Mark allowed for that side to win. He nodded. “No more secrets.” 

Jongin smiled at him, the one that he had given Mark so many times before, and Mark felt it vibrate through him. “Now, Johnny — how are you two doing?” 

Mark groaned, throwing his head back. He wiped away the tears that were still coming and bit his lips as his stained cheeks itched, and opened his mouth. “Johnny! Jongin wants to talk to you!” 

Jongin’s eyes widened in surprise, and Mark couldn’t exactly blame him. He had surprised himself with it, too, but before his panic and anxiety could take over and he told Johnny to not come in, Johnny opened the door to his own bedroom with a small smile on his face. Mark felt the urge to smile back at him hit him in the face, and so he smiled right back before patting the bed next to him, urging Johnny to sit down. 

Johnny raised an eyebrow before he moved over, gently sitting down on the bed as not to jostle Mark’s phone, and while Mark felt the nerves coarse through his bloodstreams like a racecar driving on a racecourse, he sat back and allowed for Johnny to come into Jongin’s view. 

Johnny simply waved and Jongin’s smile grew, waving back, and Mark felt something settle in his chest right then and there. 

Mark stared at his laptop screen. He wasn’t entirely sure why he couldn’t take his eyes off of the NYU contact page, but he hadn’t been able to move his eyes away from the screen ever since he pulled the page up. There were a few paragraphs of text, ones that Mark had read over and over again in the past few minutes, and one mentioned the act of dropping out. 

The word and deed itself made Mark’s skin crawl in the worst way possible. He could basically hear his parents throwing a fit about the thoughts he was having, ones that wouldn’t exactly place him in the ‘good son’ territory. Despite the fact that he hadn’t been a good son in their eyes for a long time, Mark still felt the pressure of the both of them on his shoulders. It felt as if they were looming behind him, looking over his shoulders, and Mark hated it. 

Jongin’s words echoed in his head and while Mark knew his brother had been right, he still hadn’t found the courage to actually press the ‘ _more information_ ’ option that the website provided. It had been nearly a week since that conversation and while Mark had attended the lectures on his schedule and had done his homework — albeit with a newfound level of procrastination — he still hadn’t made the decision to click the button and learn what it actually meant to drop out of NYU. Out of college, in general. 

“You’re going to burn holes in your screen if you keep looking at it like that.” Mark gasped, nearly knocking his laptop off of his lap. He turned his head to look at Johnny, sending him what he hoped to be a convincing glare. It wasn’t, Mark realized, for Johnny leant over and placed a kiss on his lips. “What are you doing?” 

Mark sighed, feeling the weight of Johnny putting his arms around him from behind. “Stupid college website.” 

Johnny merely chuckled before reaching over, tapping the touchpad with his index-finger. Mark froze as the website loaded, an image for a form that he could fill in appearing on the screen. There were a lot of words too, ones that Mark didn’t want to read, but he cast a glance at them anyway. 

“If you don’t want to do it, you shouldn’t.” Johnny then said, his mouth close enough to Mark’s ear that he felt the warmth of Johnny’s breath on his neck. 

Mark groaned, “One part of me is telling me to do it.” 

Johnny hummed, placing a kiss against the bare skin of the back of Mark’s neck. Mark smiled to himself despite everything, the feeling of Johnny around him making him feel at ease. “And the other part?” 

Mark scoffed, “Are my parents yelling at me that I’d be a disgrace for doing it.” 

Johnny sighed and Mark felt him place his head on his shoulder. He reached over, carding a hand through Johnny’s hair, and Mark found himself reveling in the domesticity of the scene. It had barely been three months, if Mark’s math was correct, and yet Mark could imagine himself doing this every morning. 

“Your parents can’t reach you anymore, alright?” 

Mark scoffed, the thought of the monthly deposits into his bank account running through his head. He doubted his parents would stop sending the money for they would lose something to talk about if asked about their children in interviews, but he knew that whatever hope he held for ever reconnecting with his parents would be ruined if he dropped out of college, too. 

“They can stop sending me money.” Mark commented, leaning back in the chair and into Johnny’s touch. “Besides, I’d lose my dorm room.” 

Johnny huffed, “That’s the last thing you should worry about. You have plenty of couches to crash on and if necessary, I’m sure Kyungsoo wouldn’t mind another roommate.” 

Mark’s eyes widened, turning his head to the side to look at Johnny. “You’re joking.”

Johnny chuckled, shaking his head as much as he could without jostling Mark. “I’m not! You could get a job, focus on your mental health and either live here or with Jeno, or Kun and Ten.” 

“We’ve only been together for two and a half months?” Mark said, more like a question than anything else. The thought of living with Johnny didn’t scare him as much as he thought it would, but there was still this feeling that it was too early. 

“So? You think we can’t handle it?” 

“I’m not saying that! I’m saying t—”

“Are you afraid you’ll ruin something? Do something bad? Scare me away?” Johnny asked, pulling away from Mark. Mark turned in his seat fully, raising his knees to sit on the wooden surface, and he felt like Johnny had looked through his clothes and skin right into his heart. 

“Yeah! Maybe I am!” Mark responded, his voice a higher volume than he had anticipated or wanted, and Johnny’s smile faltered slightly. 

“Mark, you won’t ruin things. I’m not dating you to inevitably break up, alright? We’re young, I know that much, but that doesn’t mean we can’t make this work!” Johnny’s words floated through the room and Mark allowed for them to ring in his head for a second before he dropped his head to look down at the floor. 

He felt the need to bite his lip, but he stopped himself before he could. His bottom lip was extremely sore, bitten raw from the nerves, and everytime Mark touched it it burned. Instead, he dug his nails into the palm of his hands. 

“Look at me,” Mark looked up from the ground to see Johnny standing close to him, and he felt his heart jump out of his throat. “I know your perceptions of love are very different from mine, but I don’t want our relationship to end.” 

“Me neither!” Mark rushed to say, raising one hand to touch Johnny’s face. Johnny smiled into the touch, leaning his head into Mark’s hand. 

“Good. Now, we can worry about all of that later. First you need to be sure whether you want to do this, and how you want to. Have you looked into professional help yet?” Johnny placed a kiss against Mark’s forehead, carding his hand through Mark’s still unmade hair, and Mark nodded with a slight blush on his face. 

“I actually did do that, yes. Ten gave me a few tips and I googled some.” The thought of finding and speaking to an actual therapist was terrifying, but there was a small flame of excitement within Mark. He wanted this, he knew he needed this, and having finally realized this was as if a new door had opened for him. 

Johnny smiled again, “Good. I’m proud of you. Maybe you should make a list.” 

“A list?” Mark asked, his knees starting to hurt from the wooden chair. He didn’t move, though, for Johnny was looking at him with such kind eyes that Mark didn’t want to break eye contact. 

Johnny hummed. “A list. Choosing a therapist takes time, for some people. You need to really match with someone.” 

Mark blinked, “I hadn’t really thought of it like that.” 

Johnny chuckled, “That’s okay. It’s something one of my professors told me back in Chicago and something every therapist wanting to start a practice should know.” 

Mark nodded, “Alright. I’ll make that list.” 

“Good. Now, I have one more question before you can go back to staring at your website or your empty document.” Mark huffed, turning his head slightly to look at his laptop that was still displaying the NYU website. Johnny merely laughed, making Mark look back at him again. 

“One more question?” 

Johnny’s smile faltered once more, and Mark felt his heart sink slightly. “Yeah, one more.” 

“Alright, what is it?” Mark asked, reaching out to take Johnny’s hand in his. “Nothing bad, I hope?”

Johnny chuckled, shaking his head. “No, nothing bad. Just— my parents were wondering if you wanted to come over in March. I know it’s way too far ahead and perhaps you don’t want to but I want you to th—”

Mark leaned in to place a kiss on Johnny’s lips, effectively shutting the older up. “That sounds absolutely terrifying, but I would love to.” 

And it was true. No matter how scared Mark felt at the thought of meeting Johnny’s parents, the people who created someone as perfect as Johnny, he also really wanted to meet them. To talk to them. To learn about Johnny’s life from a different perspective and perhaps even talk to Sehun about what Johnny was like when he was younger. 

“My parents are anything but terrifying, baby. They’re going to love you.” Johnny then said, and while Mark had a hard time believing that Johnny’s parents would love him, he leaned in for another kiss with less anxiety than he had expected. 

Mark still hadn’t filled in the form, still hadn’t chosen to drop out. A week and a half had passed since he had last looked at the website and everytime he thought about it his stomach filled itself with nerves. Jongin had told him it was okay more times than Mark could count and while he appreciated both his and Johnny’s endless support, it still wasn’t as easy of a decision as Mark had expected. 

Mark tried to shrug it off, though. For now, at least. The lights around the room dimmed with the simple press of a remote, and the room cast itself in a glow that reminded Mark of a movie theater. Ten and Kun’s television was bigger than any of theirs, so the decision to do the marathon in their apartment had been a good one. Not that Mark would ever tell Jaemin that. 

The room quieted down as the logo of Warner Brothers appeared, the soundtrack of The Chamber of Secrets filling up the room through the speakers all over the room. The Christmas tree in the corner was the only light source apart from the television, allowing for a soft glow. 

Mark loved the sight of it. 

The floor was littered with pillows and two mattresses, much like it had been when they had all watched the first movie at Donghyuck and his place, but it felt much more cozy. Mark supposed the fact that he hadn’t just dumped his life story onto his friends was part of the reason for that. 

Mark knew that this would be the last time he saw most of his friends together before New Years. Ten and Kun were going away for a few days during Christmas, Jeno and Renjun were going to Renjun’s parents outside the city and Donghyuck and Jaemin were going to see Jaemin’s parents for the holidays. They were going to be apart for a few days and Mark realized with a feeling similar to glee that the thought didn’t scare him as much as it would have scared him a few months ago. 

He would still have Johnny, who wasn’t going home for the holidays. At first, when Johnny had told Mark he wasn’t going back to Chicago, Mark had felt bad. He didn’t want Johnny to feel like he had to stay in New York and spend Christmas without his family because of him, but according to Johnny this had been the plan all along. He had told his parents he wanted to experience a Christmas in New York before he even left Chicago and while Mark still felt a little guilty for keeping Johnny here, he knew that Johnny’s parents were fine with it. 

Mark couldn’t wait to go to Rockefeller Center later in the week. Mark knew that Johnny wanted to go ice skating on the rink, for the older man had been more than excited when he realized that he _could_. Mark wasn’t entirely sure whether he was going to skate himself, but he supposed that Johnny could still convince him. 

Mark had fun things to look forward to. It was new, unnerving, but a breath of fresh air. Mark used to look forward to the end of the week, to Sundays spent holed up in his room with Friends and Disney movies on repeat. Now, he found himself looking forward to other things, such as spending Christmas with Johnny at his apartment or visiting Johnny’s parents in March. Jongin’s supposed visit over the summer was also something Mark was looking forward to. He hadn’t seen his brother in the flesh for a very long time, and he couldn’t wait to hug him again. 

One of the things he had done during the week and a half since the last time he looked at the NYU website was make a list of therapist firms and clinics he thought were good. Johnny had helped him set up an appointment with one that didn’t have too long of a waiting list and while his appointment was still a few weeks away, Mark was already nervous and excited at the same time. 

When Mark told Ten about it during a coffee date Ten took him on, Ten looked more than proud. They took some pictures in Central Park while sipping on coffee and Mark had a few new ones he could post on Instagram if he felt like it. It was nice to spend a few hours just with Ten again, for they hadn’t done it in a while. 

Mark turned his head to find Kun and Ten cuddled up on one of their couches together, Ten resting his head on Kun’s chest with his eyes focused on the screen, and Mark smiled. His gaze moved to Jeno and Renjun laying on the other mattress on the floor, clearly in their own little world despite the fact that they were both still watching the movie, and it warmed Mark’s heart. 

Donghyuck and Jaemin were cuddled up on the other couch, a bowl of chips balanced on Jaemin’s chest, and Mark could hear them whisper to one another as they continued watching. Doyoung and Jaehyun were spread out on a heap of pillows, both focused on the movie, and Mark smiled when Jaehyun reached over to place a kiss against Doyoung’s cheek, clearly convinced that nobody was watching them. Everyone had their own person to be occupied with, and yet Mark felt like they were a whole group. 

There had been discussion whether to invite Sicheng and Lucas, or Hendery and Yangyang, but Mark had been strong enough to tell his friends that he just wanted them, for now. That this should be just them, and to his surprise, his friends had respected his wishes and here they were now, just the ten of them together. 

“You alright?” Johnny whispered into Mark’s ear, and Mark turned his head back to look at the screen again. He nodded, squeezing Johnny’s hand that he was holding onto. 

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

The way Mark felt now was such a difference from how he had felt before. His mind still told him that he was an impostor, that he didn’t quite belong here and that someway, somehow, his friends would still be better off without him, but he tried his hardest to ignore that. He knew that they wanted him here, watching these movies like they were having a sleep-over in middle school, and Mark held onto that thought. 

“Good.” Johnny said. Mark felt a kiss being placed against the side of his head, and he grinned. He felt the butterflies in his stomach go crazy, their wings making his tummy flutter, and he allowed for the giddiness to take over. 

Johnny’s touch was so much different from Daniel’s. His touch was caring, loving almost, and calm. There were no harsh presses of hands against the small of his back, just a gentle caress or a hand hovering near. There was no tight grip around his waist as if Mark was going to run any second, just the gentle feeling of Johnny’s hand in his, and Mark had no idea what he had done to deserve someone like Johnny. 

He knew that Johnny would scold him for thinking that, and so he kept his mouth shut. Instead, he cuddled closer to Johnny’s side — almost impossibly so — and allowed for the music to fill his ears. 

He could hear Jaemin humming along to the sound, felt the bass vibrate as the speakers tried their best to give everyone the best experience, and Mark allowed himself to drown in it. Things were good, for now. He had his friends, an idea of what he was going to do for the upcoming few weeks and a few words in his document that he could see turning into a story. 

The words weren’t anything worth-while, but Johnny had given him a smile when he told him about it and Mark had ideas, words he wanted to write, and that was what mattered in the end. It was going to take a while for him to fully feel that way despite himself logically knowing that it was the truth, but he hoped he would get there one day. 

As the movie kicked off properly, the whispers turned into talk and Mark listened. For the first time since he could remember he felt like he belonged, that there were things he needed to do and see and not just because his parents told him to. His friends had pushed him to look for help, Johnny had given him a bit of his confidence back, and Mark was prepared to work hard to feel better. He hoped the new year could give him opportunities to do just that. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *gasp* oh my god,, here we are!! the end!!! AAAAAAAAH
> 
> I sincerely want to thank all of you who read each and every chapter. Whether you did this chapter by chapter or all in one go, I give you my thanks. I'm insanely grateful for every comment and every kudos this story has gotten, and I hope you realize how you guys have made these past few months so much easier. So much more wonderful. 
> 
> I thank all of you for reading my story, for this story is kind of my baby. Over the course of this story I've seen and heard that a lot of people relate to Mark and how he feels, what he thinks, and I hope all of you learn to deal with such thoughts in a positive manner sometime soon. You all deserve to feel good about yourselves, because you are awesome. Your friends love you because you are you. Whether these are online or in real life doesn't matter. There are people in this world who would love to be your friend, way way way into the future, and you are worthy of that. You are worthy of all things good, and I hope that you will see that soon. 
> 
> [please, if you need help, there are hotlines out there for you. This is a list of all suicide hotlines in the world. Don't hesitate to reach out, to call someone if you need it. Your friends and family would much rather help you along your journey of recovery than lose you. I promise](https://www.suicidestop.com/call_a_hotline.html)  
> As it stands I'm editing this story into a manuscript, changing the names and such, to be able to perhaps publish it with a publisher if they take it, or self-publish it! so that's exciting! if that does happen I will post about it in this story, so if you are interested in that I suggest you stay subscribed. And if you are not, which is 100% completely fine, I thank you for reading this story with the entirety of my heart and I wish you all the best. You are loved. 
> 
> you can find more of my stories on my profile and, if you want, you can find my socials down below:   
> [feel free to say hello on twitter!](https://twitter.com/softyjseo)  
> [or leave a message in my cc!](https://curiouscat.me/softyjseo)


End file.
